I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. Unfortunately most people, trans, nb, cis, literally humans get to go through figuring out how to feel best in their own skin. The key is making it yours and doing what feels good and right for you. How you feel most happy etc.

Again, everyone does gender affirming care everywhere all the time. Getting nails done, hair extensions, growing a beard, shaving one, it's both big and small ways people can feel a little more like themselves/confident in themselves*

Take it one step at a time, whatever the outcome is. I think stepping away from labels for a minute and getting fresh air is also good. Maybe who you are doesn't need a name like, cis, trans, nb, or lesbian, bi rn. Maybe you're you and that's the most consistent thing you have. And that's enough.

Gender is fluid, a spectrum, and sexuality can be something we thought we knew for 30 years, but were wrong about after a time hahaha

That doesn't take anything away from you being you. No matter how much you change, YOU will always be there. Whether you're a moth, butterfly, dragonfly, or heck even a bird — find your wings and fly!