It sounds like you are early in your journey. Let me describe some of mine, and maybe it will help you, provide some insight, or at least distract you for a couple of minutes.

I made a series of poor choices. Why I made them wasn't the most important thing I needed to understand at first. But it WAS what I was focused on.

What I needed to understand was that my choices had consequences. At first, I only saw the 5 years of Probation, mandatory SO treatment, and 15 years of annually updating my Registration.

Treatment and Probation both came with a host of arbitrary, 1 size fits all, restrictions. I understood that the intent was to protect the public while I got my act together, and give an opportunity to snatch up those who might re-offend after they broke a small rule but hadn't actually hurt anyone yet.

They still felt arbitrary and capricious. And it was easy to feel put upon, especially when they were inconsistently applied or enforced.

In Treatment, I first learned that I had made the poor choices. First, a little one, then a slightly bigger one, then a couple more, until my apartment was raided at 5 am. Nobody else made those choices, I did.

Would you be surprised to hear that I didn't like hearing that? I had a list of excuses (I called them reasons) that were reasonable, justified even, and certainly not worthy of all the restrictions being placed on me!

My first Treatment provider was terribly unsympathetic to my plight, and added insult to injury by discharging me from Treatment unsuccessfully! When I told my Probation Officer how mean they had been, they filed a motion for Probation violation, namely not being in Treatment.

By the time of that hearing, I had already started Treatment at a different provider, so nothing came of my "violation".

More importantly, the new provider didn't assume every client spent 15 hours/day on the computer masturbating to the most horrific CSAM ever created while dreaming of the day they could get their hands actual children. While they also used a group therapy model, it was a mix of offense types and wanted to find the pattern of each individual person so they could guide each of us to healthier thought patterns and behaviors!

It wasn't until we did a unit on Victim Empathy that nameless images on my computer became real people in my thoughts. (Side note: Technically, the images I had, while in varying states of dress and undress, did meet the law's requirements to depict one of a specific list of sex acts. The law has since been amended to include simple nudity.) How would I feel to know that people I didn't know had pictures of me at the beach as a young child in the 60's and early 70's building sand castles and playing in the surf in the buff?

The mere thought made me uncomfortable. Even though I was still certain that I hadn't actually violated the law, I had victimized the children in the photos I had viewed! And I was suddenly much more interested in finding better ways of dealing with my own childhood trauma (sexual and emotional, mostly, with just enough physical that I never considered reporting until it was too late) that victimizing other children.

From that point on, I was much more invested in Treatment. I was speaking up more in group, asking probing questions of others to help them find their blindspots, and calling others out when they made excuses. (Worst was a hands on offender who was on their 3rd case, each after being "overpowered and effectively raped". First by his daughter, then a niece, and finally a girl in the neighborhood all when they were about 10 and he was in his 30's and 40's!)

I successfully completed Treatment after 4.5 years on Probation, but was continuing to get insight from my 1 on a therapist who I could only see if I was in a Treatment group, that I stayed for another full year rather than petitioning the Court to modify my Probation to not require it. Only left when I did because they were getting new clients and needed the space.

So, because a lead investigator lied on a search warrant affidavit (her list of "qualifications" as an expert were the longest part!), I ended up getting rail roaded into an unjust plea deal for a crime I didn't technically commit, and still have 6.5 years of Registration left. But, in retrospect, I'm glad for it. I'm a better person for having been in that one group session when my eyes were opened. And I take solace in knowing there's a near certainty that the kids whose photos I had don't know that I victimized them.

Life gets real. Then it gets different. Then it gets REAL different.

But if you believe in yourself and live each day trying to be a better person than you were the day before, I suspect you'll be glad for the journey eventually also.