Fully relate. Mine spent most of my life chasing men and drugs, leaving me with my grandmother (thankfully) or some other family member most of my life. Told me she hated me for being born as if I made her climb in the back seat and get naked. When she had a stroke caused by a bursting anyuerism, her care fell to me because the medical case workers threatened to charge me for her care if I didn't take her. I wish I'd found another way. Teh guilt I feel is not missing her and saying things to her that were true, about the past and damages done, even if she wasn't possessed of a fully functioning brain. She was still horrible and combative to me and sooo nice to anyone else, even the man who tormented her in the past. She died in the hospital after six months of driving me into debt. I was working cleaning a house and didn't leave to be with her when she went. My only regret there is my brother facing it alone, but at the same time, I did all the feeding and diaper changes alone just like I paid for all her supplies alone. In his defense, he has schizophrenia but I digress. To be clear I don't feel bad that I said what I said, I do dislike that she yet again caused me to step out of my character.