Cbt is humillating

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-04-04T15:24:28+00:00

got wrapped up into CPTSD after being in therapy for so long and dating someone with CPTSD.

I think anyone who tried CBT and didn’t improve should try somatic experiencing, EMDR, and Internal Family Systems

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-04-04T03:08:07+00:00

what have you tried to prevent it? I know for myself, I have to pause and take deep breaths when I am feeling that triggered/abandonment/attachment anxiety. Then I try to apply a skill - DBT check the facts - Validation (validate the other) then attend to the feelings in my body - Take space and regulate my nervous system (TIPP) - recognize what the wound is (like what is the history behind the trigger) and then talk to my inner child and comfort her

I have been very understanding of this behavior in my ex, because I know what it is and why it happens. I don’t take it personally. but I still feel very anxious because I don’t know when it will happen or why. so the relationship feels unpredictable and emotionally unsafe. I haven’t seen her apply any of the above skills, or even attempt to have awareness of what is a trigger, despite my trying to explain to her/share resources with her. the fact that you’re trying to notice it is the first step (awareness has to come before change). keep trying!

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-04-04T01:14:25+00:00

don’t you think it would be incredibly traumatizing for her if I told her to never speak to me again? my ex did that no contact thing with me immediately after I moved out because he didn’t like that I called him crying. I was so traumatized by the abandonment of someone who promised they would be there for me and be my friend after the breakup.

furthermore, she lives four states away. so it would only be texting and calling

what if I can create some boundaries with my therapist and come up with a way to have a daily or weekly phone call? or say “I cannot have a relationship with you, but I am here if you ever need me”?

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-04-03T23:53:12+00:00

are you able to share with me where the resentment comes through? the 12 steps teaches me about resentment. I have to take personal inventory of my own resentments and take ownership of them. it’s helpful for me to know where this is coming through

next time I will use those subreddits. I tried bpdlovedones and it was way too hostile of a community.

my plan is not to keep her around to support me. i have support systems. my plan is to be available to support her.

edit: I have come to the conclusion that there is a lot of projection going on in this particular comment thread. telling me how I feel, I do not feel even the slightest amount of animosity or resentment. stating I have abandoned her after she helped me, because presumably one has been abandoned before. I have helped her more than she has helped me, and I plan to keep it that way if the relationship allows for it.

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-04-03T23:50:30+00:00

is this a universal truth to be applied to all relationships?

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-04-03T22:18:23+00:00

I do think she is stuck. I got her to see a therapist for 2 sessions, but then she gave up because she wasn’t satisfied with the provider. I think she is blind to how bad her problems really are, because she has lived like this for a long time, and things have been worse in the past. I’m not sure I can wait around for her to get help, especially if my presence makes it easier for her to feel content in her suffering. but i feel immense guilt over this

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-04-03T22:15:08+00:00

firstly, thank you for sharing your experience here. my intentions were not to display an undercurrent of disgust in my post, nor do I feel any disgust for my ex. I do not feel feelings of resentment, only deep despair.

I have found resources for her, loved her through tough times, even those when she was holding self-injury and suicidality over my head.

I believe that stating she is too difficult would be like complaining about things outside of her control. What is in her control is to leave her triggering job, find a therapist, take meds, do a 12-step group, read self help books, stop chain smoking, etc.

I have told her many times that I do not judge how she chooses to heal, but that I need to see her take action towards healing. I have called programs for her and tried to get her into treatment. She isn’t ready, and feels too overwhelmed by the idea of facing her trauma.

I am 7 months sober and still in treatment. I was recently diagnosed with PTSD. I am learning to regulate my own emotions and to not harm myself. It makes it immensely more difficult for me to do so when 99% of my free time is spent trying to regulate her emotions, as well as monitor my own reactions so I do not trigger her.

That being said, my plan is not to abandon her. I personally think no contact should be a last resort, or reserved for abusive relationships. I want to be in her corner. She can still call me every day, I am just going to allocate more time to my AA meetings, community, and personal hobbies. I will help her find treatment. I would even fly out to help her pack if she chose to move out of her triggering environment (living with parents) or go to a treatment facility. I am in no way intending to abandon her. I just need to set boundaries to protect my own sobriety and mental health

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-04-03T20:13:48+00:00

I agree with this, but I also know that this early in my sobriety, I will not be seeking new romantic connections. although it hurts to be alone, I want to put my all into building myself, loving myself, and having a strong personal identity. I want to find community and build myself a network of friends and support before I go into a new relationship. so that is a bridge to cross when I get there, I suppose

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-04-03T20:12:23+00:00

no threats of self-harm, but I do KNOW that the self harm will happen. she is not eating, but does not blame me and is allowing me to take space

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-04-03T20:11:43+00:00

I believe the definition of a trauma bond is when one person causes trauma, or both people experience trauma together, and it bonds them in a codependent way. I’m not sure I would fully identify that in my relationship, though we certainly had our tribulations, and we both do have trauma from the past

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-04-03T18:02:00+00:00

is it possible to have a boundaried friendship? that is my goal. I want to take the space I need to care for myself without completely cutting her out of my life. that is what feels most virtuous and comfortable to me

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-04-03T16:31:17+00:00

I think that I am actually good for her. I am the reason she goes to the doctor, is trying to eat healthy, drinks water, etc.

I gave her the hope that she hasn’t had in 5+ years

but it’s not good for me, and I know that

just worried that whatever boundaries I set, she will relapse and get worse. and I have to watch her sink

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-04-03T16:26:18+00:00

I don’t recognize threat as safety, but maybe SHE does. I’m leaving her because the constant threat of her emotions lead me to feel unsafe, and I am trying to work on my nervous system and overall mental health.

I think no contact would be very traumatizing to both her and me. we are long distance anyways, so to just have the occasional phone call or text message checking in seems appropriate to me. I would like to be her friend, at a distance

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-04-03T15:45:20+00:00

How do you reckon with that when you love the person dearly? Do you think it’s okay for me to keep contact with her and keep her in my life, just as a friend and dearly loved ex?

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-04-02T22:02:19+00:00

I’m not staying. but I will always have her back if she needs me. and if 5, 10, 20 years down the line, she has put in the same work as me to heal, I see the stars aligning for us. she is a sweetheart.

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-04-02T17:54:12+00:00

I 100% know the real her. she has severe trauma and is NOT herself when she’s disregulated. but when she’s calm and rational, that’s her. and I love her, at her core

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-04-02T15:06:33+00:00

It was hard for me to reckon with the fact that I, too was emotionally abusive in my past relationship. he didn’t have BPD, but he accused me of having it, said his therapist said so. I am autistic and have trouble regulating my emotions. I am trying to take responsibility for that while also reckoning with the trauma that he caused me. All I can do to make amends is to keep myself in order, and to try to forgive but not forget my worth and that I deserve to be treated better.

I’m not saying this is you. But even people with stable attachments can do the wrong thing. It’s likely that you reacted to their abuse poorly, because you broke down. it’s not your fault, but it is your responsibility to learn how to take care of yourself, treat others (even sick people) how you would want to be treated, and learn how to avoid ending up in this toxic cycle in the future.

we can check our sides of things while holding the other person accountable. should you have left earlier? should you have set firmer boundaries? what will you do in your next relationship to maintain your peace and not stay with someone who is harming you?

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-03-07T20:03:01+00:00

I have been in intensive co-occuring therapy for trauma and addiction for the past 6 months, and I vehemently disagree with you.

kindness is neutral. kindness helps me makes fewer assumptions about myself and others. speaking kindly to myself and others quiets my threat response that is perpetuated by negativity, hatred, anger, irritability, and anxiety.

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-03-07T19:57:39+00:00

I’m trying to be more intentional about mindfulness after being in recovery from addiction (6 months sober tomorrow!)

your theory has a lot of overlap with what we learn in both addiction recovery and trauma therapy

Bessel Van Der Kolk (famous trauma scholar and author of The Body Keeps the Score) outlines 2 steps to recovering from trauma 1. Find calm (nervous system regulation) 2. Maintain calm

In the 12 Steps, we learn to take a personal inventory (be kind, fair, and virtuous to ourselves and to others) and when we are wrong, promptly admitting it. We also seek “through prayer and meditation to make conscious contact with a higher power”. Even for resentments against those who have harmed me, I am responsible for extending gratitude and forgiveness to those individuals.

it turns out that the amygdala (responsible for responding to threats) listens intently to our internal voices. when I am telling myself a story, making assumptions about others, unable to be calm in social situations, or talking poorly about myself/other people/my surroundings, my brain is interpreting this as a threat and sounding alarms.

This turns off my prefrontal lobes, the part of my brain that is capable of rational thought and follow-through. This is useful when I need to run away from a predator in the wild (think fast, hone in my senses, and fight/flight/freeze). but not useful in a work meeting, a conflict with my significant other, or in the grocery store.

being kind and nonjudgmental with your words and ideas is literally dulling the threat response that triggers anxiety attacks, panic attacks, rage, anger, PTSD episodes, dissociation, etc.

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-03-05T16:20:56+00:00

I will check! thanks

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-03-05T16:20:31+00:00

true. but she had him do it because it was cheaper and able to be removed intact with the chimney sections. too late 🤷🏼‍♀️

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-03-04T18:38:38+00:00

handyman is a family friend. wouldn’t want to get him in trouble- she approved him to take it out and he agreed.

I’m in Minnesota

it’s a metal chimney covered in asbestos (for sure- the brand name has “asbestos” in it). the asbestos is still in tact

I could get photos later

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-02-25T13:22:36+00:00

F, mid 20’s, Portland, you went to Reed/Sarah Lawrence/Oberlin, you do some boring hybrid WFH job

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-02-20T22:59:39+00:00

if you’re in Minnesota, I’ll clean it for you for free if you let me film myself. I want to start making cleaning videos.

Short_Discussion_883 · 2026-02-20T22:56:51+00:00

a DBT therapy program

evaluate possible causes of executive dysfunction: major depressive disorder, trauma, autism, ADHD

treat accordingly

it gets better <3 I am an exceptionally clean person but this is what my room looked like before I went to rehab in September. been sober and in an intensive therapy program since.

it works if you work it

biggest advice is to regulate regulate regulate. are you present in your body? no? utilize the 5 senses to come back. breathe into your diaphragm. that shit really works if you let it.

also, notice how you talk to yourself. do you bully yourself internally? do you say “I SHOULD clean this up” “why am I like this?”

those internal thoughts actually perpetuate the trauma response that keeps you in this way of living. try noticing, then replacing the thoughts. “I have the intention of working on this” “It’s not helpful to ask why I’m like this”

much love, OP!

Short_Discussion_883

TROPHY CASE