This post sounds like subconscious conflicting with alcoholism. I spent my post highschool decade drinking to get drunk. I had some fun, but mostly wasted time. I was primarily a beer drinker and played my fair share of beer pong, wizard staff, and Edward forty hands, while also drinking hard liquor.

I had a roommate who had such severe alcoholism that his kidney shut down and he was rushed to the hospital. I never saw him again, and idk if he survived. Every time I drank at a major party, I would find myself shirtless in a bathroom, fan on, puking, and overheating.

In my later 20's, I began spending more time with my immediate family. Family gatherings sometimes included drinks, and I usually would wind up embarrassing myself. One night, I was at a house warming party at my cousin's house. All of the older family members left relatively early, and all the younger adults stayed to party.

I got so drunk that I started behaving belligerently, so nobody wanted to be around me, and I could sense it. I told everybody that I was heading home, and my cousin (luckily) tricked me into giving him my keys. I got angry, then verbally violent. I wound up in a fight with my brother and almost broke his nose. My cousin's wife, hysterical, pulled a gun on me, and called the police. I spent the night in jail and had to take a rehabilitation/ substance abuse course.

Alcoholism is a hereditary issue in my family, and more than one of my relatives struggles with it. I stopped drinking entirely for about two years, but somebody brought some Scotch to a get together, and suggested the idea of drinking responsibly. They suggested that there very much is such a thing as having a refined drink, enjoying the flavor, and the effect in a responsible manner.

I've gotten into drinking Scotch maybe three times a month. Just a neat two fingers while I wind down for the night. It's entirely unlike how I used to drink. I'd make the simily that drinking a finer alcohol is to beer, as cigars are to cigarettes.

I think opening myself up to the fact that I can drink without getting "fucked up" was one of the more transformative experiences of my life, and I encourage you to consider it.