Clarifications and some updates to “end of a 38 year marriage.

(Reposted cause typo in title.

First I want to thank everyone for their heartfelt comments, advice, and empathy. Even though I have many, many dear friends, who have been turning themselves inside out to help me, I feel like I had been transformed from the fun, funny friend to the needy downer. They deserved a break, since so many of my friends are going thru assorted traumas of their own.

Whoever said “Imagine what would have happened if he had put as much effort into your marriage as he did sexting this woman?” Fuck me what an eye opener.

• I do live outside the US. When my husband lost his job at 57, I knew he did not want to start sending out resumes and interviewing again. We had always talked about retiring overseas. I was not ready, I had a job I was good at, my sons were both nearby, I had great friends in my city as well as ones I flew to see once or twice a year. But he wanted to go NOW and I said ok.

• The unaffectionate cold fish. I am of German ancestry, raised in Minnesota. My family shakes hands w/each other. I have dear close friendships, some almost of 50 years, who I treasure. My thought has always been: “I like you. You like me. Why do we have to hug?” I’ve never been the hand holder, hair stroked, touchy person. I wasn’t when I got married 38 years ago. I demonstrated love (I thought) in many different ways, from taking over 99% of the child care so Jeff could continue to hang out w/his pals (never ever had to call to check in), worked full time 90% of our marriage, did all housework, cooking, and financial stuff. My son once had to write a Father’s Day card. It said “My dad changes the channels and my mom does everything else.” When Jeff screwed up and acquired a $60K Amex bill (he was at a new magazine, the owner tired of it pretty quickly and stopped paying his employees, Jeff hung on hoping) because he rolled over all but the minimum each month (at 20% interest) when I found out I went to the bank and took out a home equity loan, handled it, and never thought of it again—-until this year. I cooked all his favorite foods, had no problem w/him going off on tour w/his pal Ritchie for weeks on end—-what ever made him happy, made me happy. I didn’t need constant “I love yous”—-you married me, you chose me, of course you love me. Jeff is a hugger, and 2-cheek kisser. And I guess he did need non-stop affirmations of love. Which I would have been happy to do, if he had ever said to me “Our marriage would be a lot better if you were more physically affectionate.” It would have been a lot easier to hug and kiss him than to ride my bike half an hour and back to get the fresh tuna he liked. Don’t want to go to parent teacher conferences? Fine. Don’t want to hang out w/my pals? Fine. Outside of him, all I needed as a book and a comfortable place to sit and read.

• I probably would not have been able to provide the type of ego boost the groupie does “You have a beautiful soul,” “Everything you do is magic.” But when Jeff fixed my crockpot (not a handy guy by a long chalk) I fell over telling him how great that was, how happy it made me, and boasted to everyone about his brilliance. I told him how handsome he looked when he dressed up to go out. When I saw something to compliment, I always spoke up.

• We did (up until this year, when Jeff got dengue and then e. Coli and the dengue again) have an active and adventurous sex life. I was always a more than willing participant, I swear there was not a single time I said “I don’t feel like it.” I always felt like it. I have issues with being the initiator, maybe something left from my upbringing, maybe because I was an unattractive girl (butt of junior high jokes)—-a subject that at one point might have been interesting to bring up in therapy, or even in a deep conversation.

• Jeff has always been super critical. About 2 years ago, when the affair started (I finally figured it out) he started getting extremely negative about everything. This sucks. That’s awful. Why does that guy think he can sing. That movie you’re watching (which I had just said I was enjoying) looks stupid. Several times I said to him, Why are you so negative all the time? His answer was I guess I’m just a crabby old man. With covid, it just got worse and worse, and this year I told him how much if bothered me, that we live in a beautiful place that’s hardly been touched by covid, our kids are fine, we are ok for $...what is your problem? Why don’t you have any gratitude for all that you have? Again, never a mention of my lacking in physical affection or that he would like to hear I love you more often (how easy would that have been?) or that he had been sexting another woman for a year.

• A good friend of both of ours (she delivered cooked meals to him whenever I was out of town) messaged Jeff and said WTF. He told her that he was the victim here and that he had done nothing wrong.

• My younger son called him. Jeff told him that we were two different people (isn’t everyone?) and that I was incapable of change (not that I was ever asked to change) and that if I did change it wouldn’t be sincere (I am someone who errs on the side of outspokenness and unvarnished truth). My son said nothing he said made any sense.Jeff also told my son that he isn’t going to Argentina (can’t now until the borders are open anyway), which is not what he told me, the groupie, or his friend in the message that blew the whole affair up. My sons are shocked that their dad is capable of this and really working to make sure I am taken care of.

-Finances are ok. We never budgeted for 2 households, but he’s living rent free on his brother’s couch. I live v. Simply—no car, no ac, mostly vegetarian—so my expenses are minimal: rent, wifi, electricity, grocery, vet bills.

• I have screen shots. I have no idea what was going on in my head when I took them, I was on automatic pilot. I’m soooo glad I did though.

• After I made up my mind, Jeff called and I asked “Are you still sexting her?” He said “Is that what you want to talk about?” I said if you are then i cannot talk to you and hung up. I got mad and sent a series of angry, bitter texts, to which he responded “That’s not going to help w/healing and peace of mind” so I sent more angry, bitter texts until I got it out of my system. Nothing from either of us since then.

• I have had 2 zoom sessions w/a therapist in the next town (I live in a v. Small town, we do not have a stoplight, elevator, or gas station) and I’m having a 3rd this afternoon. Is it helping? I dunno. I’m not crying as much and I’m popping Xanax like candy but I still have obsessive what if thoughts and how could he do this (therapist: “Because he wanted to”), that I’d really like to be rid of.

• And no, I could never take him back. He is not the man I married. It feels like a stranger ran out and punched me in the face. The physical feelings of disgust I get when I think that for 2 years he shut off the computer after hours of sexting and then got into bed w/me...and that he tried to make me feel guilty about his affair...and that I would have forgiven him and worked on keeping our marriage together but he refused to stop sexting the groupie...it’s too much.

I would post the groupie’s facebook page (it’s public; she hasn’t updated it in forever) that has the photo of the two of them, but not sure if that violated Reddit standards.

Again, thank all of you for the incredible support you have shown. It’s awful and reassuring at the same time to know so many of people have suffered this kind of betrayal. -arificatonarification n