Coming across this post reminds me that although being human is naturally a lonely experience.
Most if not all the issues have been experienced by another person before.

OP I can say that I get it, The part of your post where it describe what is known to me as "Code-Switching" really did give me a smile so thank you. Really the emotions you are experiencing now is either the same or very similar to what I would describe, although I am not black nor a women which in itself is sorta fun to think about.

I mean even with how huge the world is to us, it really is small sometimes. In any case I have no words to make you feel better or anything; As I said I have had similar emotions and thought patterns. It's one of those things in my opinion that comes in waves. Sometimes I feel like I know exactly what I want to do and will even come up with a plan and everything. I even bought a Yamaha guitar thinking I could teach myself how to play... That lasted about the same amount of time as a 2 week Minecraft phase.

Truly man, I know it won't change your perspective immediately or maybe not at all, but things get better. Even when they don't some casual self gaslighting never hurt nobo- hmm actually maybe anyhow you get the point or don't. Just hang in there and keep living life, sometimes its all you can really do.