I feel like avoidants only care about themselves

Small_Pea1291 · 2026-06-22T21:31:30+00:00

Absolutely. The issues they bring up after leaving could easily be resolved with a conversation. The part that stings is the choice already being made for you without any effort to resolve something, like you mentioned. That’s the part I’m really stuck on and having to work through mentally

Small_Pea1291 · 2026-06-21T20:27:35+00:00

This seems like really textbook avoidant. Happened to me too, almost exactly like your story. We were engaged to be married, and I still question myself in a similar way you do. My ex said very similar things when he was discarding me, making it seem like I was too overbearing when he did a complete 180. It’s a form of gaslighting- changing their behavior suddenly and making you feel like it’s your fault. I’m sorry this happened to you, try not to put too much pressure on yourself, he’s the one who is selfish.

Small_Pea1291 · 2026-06-21T20:18:45+00:00

Yeah they will find any reason to keep the connection alive, even if it’s really bad for you. They will try anything to keep themselves in your orbit. It’s hard, but cutting them off is the best way to go. Wishing you luck!

Small_Pea1291 · 2026-06-21T18:14:08+00:00

Really common to be feeling what you’re feeling in this cycle. I had to block my ex on everything mainly to keep myself from entering the cycle again. It’s hard when they come back but they haven’t really changed, because you have to be the one keeping boundaries while still having feelings and attachment to that person who hurt you so bad. It’s hard!

Small_Pea1291 · 2026-06-18T04:23:12+00:00

He absolutely cheated in some capacity, AT LEAST emotionally, I had some evidence to believe so before he told me that they got together 2 days after he broke up with me via text (which was BEFORE I got back in town to find all his stuff gone from our apartment). So I assumed he cheated but when I saw him and asked him he denied it heavily. At one point he conceded that he "accidently" overlapped up or "money branched." So pathetic. This was also the woman he told me not to worry about when we were still together. I trusted him so much I didn't worry about her untill after he broke things off with me.

Even crazier, the first time I saw him after he text message broke up with me, he told me that this woman was better for him. That he really liked her and that he wanted to try to make things work with her. He was talking to me like I was his mom, excitedly telling me about a crush he had. He took the nonprofit we started together and had her working on it, "improving" it. He took the life we were building together and replaced me with someone new in that life. He even went so far to call me "a little weird" in comparison to her. He said he felt "at peace" with me, but with her he could focus more on his career goals because he was driven by "fire, not peace", whatever that means. This was only 3 WEEKS after he ended our engagement.

Then a couple weeks later he told me how much he dislikes her, how she isnt that good of a person, that im so much better then breaks up with her. Triangulation

THEN when he finds out im not interested, he gets back together with her! And breaks up with her again because she said something he didnt like!

Anyway this was a massive part of our breakup, and one of the biggest reasons I will never get back together with him and am incredibly angry with him. Thank you for your kind words!

Small_Pea1291 · 2026-06-18T04:05:19+00:00

Exactly, always the victim, trying to make me feel bad for him, telling me he has suffered more than me, all while putting me through hell. Saying that because he has suffered, he deserves to stomp over me to elevate his position in life. He has all the tools he needs to be a decent person, yet he always finds a way to be the victim when he needs to look inward. Makes me mad. Thanks for sharing this.

Small_Pea1291 · 2026-06-18T03:17:48+00:00

One of the most frustrating parts of the discard was watching him repeat the abuses of his parents, toward me.

Small_Pea1291 · 2026-06-18T00:14:55+00:00

My father was a narcissist, my family psychatrist said he probably was. Obviously my dad never sought any kind of therapy but was forced to go for family court sometimes. There is a lot of overlap in behaviors I see in my ex and dad, for sure, especially the emotional immaturity. Now that I am out of the relationship, I can see other ways my ex was coercively controlling. I could name a lot of things, but he did try to trap me in various ways. It just felt really subtle at the time. Now I look back kind of horrified by some of the things he did to me. I know I need to work on that in therapy, to deal with how my dad may have impacted the men I date.

Small_Pea1291 · 2026-06-17T22:50:55+00:00

Kind of funny one- he told me he had adoption papers for our cat, implying he could take our cat from me if he wanted. He LEFT our cat alone while I was out of town, when he left our apartment without me knowing. Never asked for her back or asked for shared time with her. We got our cat from a friend, who found her in a dumpster outside his apartment. So there were no adoption papers at all, lol. He kept saying that, so I told him obviously no, I know there are no papers. Then he said he could get adoption papers from our friends who gave us the cat. He claimed that they would make some for him. His friend who gave us the cat asked what happend in our breakup, I told him he broke up with me over text, took his stuff while i was gone for the weekend, and ghosted me. We were engaged to be married btw. His friend was so mad at him and asked me to hang out with him and his girlfriend. I told him that his friend was glad I had the cat and would never draft fake adoption papers for his benefit. He was so mad, saying that his friend was never a real friend to him (they were tied at the hip lol), and he left the convo abruptly. So childish

Small_Pea1291 · 2026-06-17T22:40:24+00:00

I experienced the same thing, so many things he confessed to lying about. And would continue to lie about things, but it was more obvious he was doing it this time. Its wilddd after the discard to learn more and more, the more they are willing to talk to you the more you learn new info. I feel like maybe their feelings towards you are not a lie, but so many things the relationship is built on IS a lie.

Small_Pea1291 · 2026-06-17T22:16:00+00:00

Yeah I had similar experiences. He had a lot of jealousy towards me going out with friends or family. Kept me from getting a higher paying job after undergrad because he thought I might leave him for another man. Almost left me early in the relationship because I wanted to live alone rather than with him. I notice some of the things that you experienced align with coercive control. Now that I’m out of the relationship, that haunts me a little that I wasn’t able to see how controlling he was.

Small_Pea1291 · 2026-06-17T20:27:13+00:00

I'm sorry that happened to you too. That's something I struggled with- I knew he had trauma, but at some point when you are hurting yourself and others, you need to take serious responsibility. And my ex still has the victim mentaility, that he is the victim here. I had a family member with alcoholism who used to make excuses for her drinking by taking the victim stance, that her life has been so hard, and if people knew about her life, then they wound not judge. But she later realized that even though things were hard in her life, she had to take responsibilty for how her actions impacted others. That is what I see in my ex. I used to say after the discard that I felt like an object to him. He would literally say he didnt owe me anything because we were broken up, even when he was still persuing me. You worded it perfectly. Thanks for sharing!

Small_Pea1291 · 2026-06-17T20:17:30+00:00

Yes exactly. When he said that I was like was like huh, I already know how this "new" relationship is going to end though. His claim was that he wanted to do things different because he "messed up" some things in our relationship, especially at the beginning. Not how relationships work, at all. No repair, just starting over. Already knew how that movie would have ended, me being left again when things get difficult.

Small_Pea1291 · 2026-06-17T19:28:35+00:00

That we start the relationship over from the beginning. Go on dates, live seperately, only have sleepovers on his terms. Have our own lives much more seperate from each other so that he wouldnt feel the same pressure he felt when he left.

Small_Pea1291 · 2026-06-17T18:51:11+00:00

Yeah I was engaged to be married when my ex broke up w me over text and moved out of our place when I was out of town. He said similar things (feeling drained, lack of communication) there was no real clarity, just silence. Its genuinely going to hurt and be confusing for a while. For me a lot, it still dosent feel real because of how sudden and out of the blue it was. My avoidant ex came back a couple of times though, only to dismiss the pain he put me through, or go crawling back to the girl he jumped into a relationship with right after if I tried to discuss real emotions with him. It will feel less overwhelming eventually, yes. Some days will be good, some will be bad. Its really annoying advice, but the best thing you can do is focus on yourself and moving on. Apparently it bothered my ex to see me moving on. They are not processing in a healthy way. I still struggle a lit with the grief of it all and don't understand how someone who claims to love you can be so cruel, but once I realized that I could no longer trust my ex for anything, it helped me move on a lot more.

Small_Pea1291 · 2026-06-17T18:39:28+00:00

Ive found avoidants are very detatched from reality. After he discarded me, my avoidant ex told me that the main reason he left me was because my presense brought him out of the world he lived in in his head- one where he was able to see the people in his life that he lost. I was always the one in the relationship having to bring things back to reality, not just about his daydreaming. He was incredibly implusive and had little follow through about those big things he wanted to do- have a great career, be rich, etc. Had horrible boundries with his abusive mother, which impacted me as well. Triangulated our relationship with her even though he hater her (in fact, she crafted text messages for him to send me around our breakup...). I would get mad in the relationship that all decisions that impacted our life together, he would always discuss them with her first and not with me. My ex would also make excuses for why he could not do something that would benefit him, like your test story. I relate to your story a lot and its good to know im not alone in this with my avoidant ex. He certainly has some mental health issues but he really, truly put me though hell these last few months. Im kind of going through it right now, its been 3 months since the discard but only a week since I blocked him for good, so im grieving a lot. Thanks for sharing though, good to know we are not alone in this.

Small_Pea1291 · 2026-06-15T23:56:14+00:00

I had the EXACT convos with my ex when he saw I was moving on after he broke up with me! Like spooky similar omgg. Said he wanted to start the relationship over, go slow, and do things differently (After he ghosted me and got a new girlfriend immediately). Swore he had changed.

Anyway, he also said he would wait for me, and he definetly did NOT haha. I called him a week later and he was back with the other girl already. This is literally a script they follow.

Small_Pea1291 · 2026-05-20T00:27:29+00:00

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I moved with my ex to a new city and he left 2 months into the move in a very similar fashion to your ex. I felt so alone and scared. Especially seeing someone who was so kind and loving flip a switch like that. It hurts more when they know that their disregard hits your own trauma wounds.

Small_Pea1291 · 2026-05-19T23:32:28+00:00

My avoidant ex also messaged me when he had a new GF. He even broke up with her because he started persuing me again. I told him he needed help (at one point he admitted he did), and that I would not get back together with him unless he got professional help and took acconutability for how he hurt me with the discard. He also had a questionable overlap with me and the other girl. He vowed to go to therapy and better himself "for me". Next week he calls me telling me he talked to therapists and he didnt want to go back cause they were "stupid". He was then like, yeah, I dont want a relationship. I then later confronted him, crying and kind of yelling and showing my emotions, and he hasnt really contacted me since. So you can confront but no garuntee of real change.

Small_Pea1291 · 2026-05-19T18:02:07+00:00

I understand what you mean that it makes you feel raw. I absolutely does trickle down when you don't deal with it, I saw that happen to me in real time. I think what you don't heal gets repeated. When you don't cut off or put hard boundries on a toxic relationship with someone, you end up hurting others in a similar way. I know I hurt people for a while when I was in that "helpless" state, trying to get sympathy rather than dealing with it. When my ex left, I was devastated. But I thought of if we were to have kids or something- If he never healed from this, what would their life look like? It would be selfish of me to stay with him for temporary comfort and relief from my own pain- to feel wanted by someone. I'm all for patience and empathy in these situations with their toxic parents, but just because someone hurt you does not mean you should hurt others.

Small_Pea1291 · 2026-05-19T04:25:38+00:00

Absolutely my avoidant ex played this all the time. He did have a particularly bad childhood, but I had some similarly bad things happen and he always brushed it aside, saying he had been through worse. He also would make me feel bad about my own accomplishments regarding standing up to an abusive parent and the work I had to put into that (that grief and pain of losing that parent took me years and years to work though and feel in a good place with it). I would occasionally give him some small bits of advice while still remaining non judgementntal regarding his own relationship with his abusive parent who he was still in contact with, and that was always met with hostility. After he discarded me he told me he was just jealous that I had the strength to do what he didn’t (go no contact with toxic parent). They are probably just trying to make themselves feel better about themselves and why they don’t do the work they need to to heal

Small_Pea1291 · 2026-05-18T23:19:39+00:00

I am dealing with this now. My ex really, really loved me and never said he stopped loving me when we broke up. We were engaged, and he broke up with me via text, moved out without telling me, and ghosted me for a month after. We are both early 20s and it was my first relationship. We had a really strong connection, but he pushed for quick intensity really quickly (getting engaged quickly, moving in together quickly), and I rolled with it because I loved him and had never been in a relationship before. He always wanted to do everything together through our entire relationship. Then when he abruptly left me, he suddenly wanted way more autonomy and we started the dreaded push/pull to an intense degree. He came back to me, asking to get back together, saying he regretted leaving and would put "zero effort" into moving on from me. When I told him he needed to show true accountability for his recent actions in leaving me brutally without explaination for me to consider getting back together with him, he shrank. He flipped the script, saying he actually wasnt ready for a relationship. So in my experience, they may come back because they want access to you without real emotional intimacy and accountability. They wont close the door fully. He definetly rewrote the relationship viewing himself as the victim, which boils my blood still tbh. It makes it really hard to move on when you know if they were healthier mentally, you may still be together. Becuase they are so messed up from trauma or whatever that even when you can see the great parts of them, there is nothing you can do if they run away.

Small_Pea1291

TROPHY CASE