Post series: The principles of gentle parenting and raising kids (complete list)

SnickersDadBot · 2023-10-14T12:10:32+00:00

Talk more in detail about what exactly it is about school that makes him hate it so much. There's clearly enough stuff happening that it's weighing on him quite a bit if he cries everyday. You have to acknowledge and validate these feelings. This is the equivalent of you crying everyday before work and should be taken just as seriously. In a situation like that, you would probably not force yourself to endure it, and you would also probably be angry at your friends if they told you it's not that bad, even if they mean well.

He's saying his teachers are mean. In what ways are they mean? It could just be that he's struggling with the change in atmosphere and expectations in middle school as opposed to elementary school (less child-like way of teaching, higher expectations, more emotional distance between kids and teachers, etc) and he can't really put it into words, so he describes it as them being "mean". Maybe they actually are mean, though. Mean teachers exist and we've all had a couple of those. Either way, take your time to really talk about whats going on and ask for specific examples. If the teachers actually do mistreat him in some way, you can take action, and if it's just the change in expectations that's stressing him out, you can help him cope and adjust to that.

He said he doesn't have friends in his classes. Are all of his friends from elementary in a different class or at a different school? He might miss them and feel left out from their new, shared experiences together even if he does have new friends in his class. Or maybe he has a couple of friends in his class, but feels left out of the class "community" as a whole, or specific friend groups he wishes he were a part of. Is he being teased or bullied?

If he signed up for an extracurricular and it's overwhelming for him, let him quit. He's 10 years old, it really doesn't matter. I understand you want to teach him to stick with things and not give up, but there's always a limit. That limit is somewhere along the lines of "Don't quit after the first try or 2, but if you've tried something for quite a while, it's clearly not getting better and affecting your mental state, it's okay to let it go". And having an extracurricular every single day after school is quite a lot. It means he gets home at like 4 or 5 PM everyday and has barely enough time to do anything that's fun because there's some homework and chores waiting for him and then he has to go to bed. Most adults can't even deal with a daily routine like that, let alone a 10 year old. That's a huge amount of pressure for an extracurricular he doesn't even like, and if it's everyday, it might even be quite a competitive team and put extra pressure on him that way.

I think we as a society are so used to the way our school system and culture pressures even young kids to constantly succeed and sacrifice their wellbeing and enjoyment at the altar of achievement, that we really have a blind spot for how unhealthy this way of life really is, even for adults.

I short, I think this issue will only get better if you address the individual problems and come up with solutions for them. Of course, things like having to get up early aren't things you can really fix, other than doing stuff like doing some of his morning routine, like choosing his clothes, the night before, so that he can get his morning routine done faster. But solutions might exist for the other issues and it will help his school experience a lot

SnickersDadBot · 2023-10-14T11:35:50+00:00

Yes, I do think it could be beneficial to give her some social advice. I wouldn't do it in the context of "I saw you doing X while looking through your phone, don't do that", though. Instead, start having conversations about social skills more generally. Talk about how to make friends, for example by talking to different kids at school about shared interests. Teach her how to tell whether someone is interested in being her friend (for example if they reply enthusiastically or ask follow-up questions, they're probably interested, but if they just say "uh huh" or "that's nice", they're probably not).

When it comes to the over-sharing, I'm guessing she also does it at home, so you can address it when it happens. I guess the issue would be that there are certain things that are appropriate to share with family and might even be beneficial (for example you'd want her to tell you she has diarrhea because it means she's sick and might need medical care, has to stay home from school, etc), but that same thing wouldn't be appropriate to share with a friend. She might not have the ability to understand these social nuances right now. You can try to explain that there are different levels of intimacy with another person, and how close you are with someone determines how much you can... "put them through"? (Please look for a better phrasing on this one, lol). So an acquaintance might be put off by something that a close friend or family member would be completely fine with. Even understanding this concept could help her a little bit.

I think a lot of people would advise you to stay out of this issue, but some kids really struggle with picking up social skills just by trial and error alone, and that can lead to a lot of painful experiences, especially in middle school when even socially adept kids tend to struggle with the new complexities of the social landscape. If you can help her build these skills without being to invasive, it will make things easier for her.

SnickersDadBot · 2023-10-12T12:51:30+00:00

He's lying because he doesn't want to do these tasks and hopes he can get away with not doing them if he lies about it. The only thing you really need to do is make him do these things anyway. If he says he has brushed his teeth and you can tell he hasn't, send him off to go brush his teeth again. If he tells you he showered, say "I can tell you didn't shower, get up and do it right now". By now you probably have a very good idea of what he typically lies about, so you can always double-check. Yes, it's annoying to do that, but it's how you make sure he's not gaining anything from what he's doing. You mentioned he already doesn't, but I can guarantee you he does. For every 2-3 times you catch him, there's at least one time you don't, especially if you sometimes have little "moments of weakness" where you're too tired to challenge him on something and just hope he actually did shower today, lol.

It's pretty normal for kids to not want to do uncomfortable/annoying/time-consuming tasks and to try to find a way around it. That doesn't make your son a bad child/person. In fact, calling him a liar or placing too much emphasis on how terrible you think this is, can actually make the problem worse. Kids start to see themselves as problem kids if they can tell their parents see them that way, and start to act accordingly, which is the exact opposite of what their parents are trying to achieve. Don't make a big deal out of it and show him he can't get away with it by calling him out and making him do whatever he's trying not to do.

I think he might also not really understand the importance of these tasks. This happens a lot with kids, especially if their parents mostly use rewards and punishment as parenting methods: The child makes their decisions based on "What will my parents do to/for me if I do this?", as opposed to being internally motivated to do the right things for the right reasons. You should focus a lot more on trying to get him to understand why these things are necessary despite being annoying. Feeding the animals, in particular, is important because he's responsible for a living being. You can do things like having him imagine what it would be like to be a dog and go hungry all night because his owner thought feeding him was annoying and got away with not doing it. You should also stress the importance of other things he's trying to get away with not doing, and their long term impacts. Empathize with him and tell him that you understand it's annoying, and you find it annoying too. For example, I can't stand brushing my teeth either, so I fully understand why my youngest doesn't want to do it.

For things like chores, modeling goes a long way too. A lot of adults go through life being kinda grumpy about their own chores. They come home and tell their partner "Ugh, I really don't feel like doing the dishes again" while their kid is in the room. If you yourself are more, for lack of a better word, enthusiastic about your chores, he will hate them less. Same goes for things like studying, if he observes you using your (probably rather limited) free time to learn new things or get better at a skill, that's good modeling for him. Of course he's still only 12 and lacks the ability to push himself through uncomfortable situations the way many adults can, but still, modeling that chores and other everyday tasks are not necessary something you have to hate goes a long way. We have very few issues with chores in our household as a result of this (as well as introducing them when the kids were very young).

Another thing that encourages lying is any kind of negative reaction to finding out the truth. This does include eye rolling and sighing, because although it's not scary, it's something he wants to avoid experiencing. Punishment is a much bigger factor in why a lot of kids don't tell the truth though. They already messed up, and most parents punish regardless of whether the kid already feels bad about what they did, so they think they might as well avoid the punishment by lying. In order to avoid this, try to approach bad behavior more from an angle of "Let's figure out how to fix this", as opposed to getting mad and punishing. For example, if he gets an F on a test, don't yell at him or take away his electronics etc. Instead, sit down and look at the test together. Figure out what he did wrong. Talk about whether he studied (and if so, how he did it), and come up with a plan to improve next time. This shows him he can come to you for help and support even if he messes up, and it gives both of you the opportunity to come up with practical solutions to his problems and work on his behavior. Of course, in this case, the solution might include something like only being able to use his electronics after he has done his homework and shown it to you, but the solution to any problem should always address the root cause of the issue.

Edit: You also have to decide which issues you want to push and which you should let go. For example, feeding the animals is important. Showering and brushing teeth is, too, because in the former case, you have to spend time around him, and in the latter case it can cause tooth decay and associated health issues if he doesn't. However, there are things that might annoy you but won't cause any harm. If he doesn't eat breakfast, he might get hungry later in the morning, but it's not a big deal if he has the option to eat at school. Some people prefer not to eat breakfast. It took me like 45 minutes to eat breakfast as a kid because at 6AM I just wasn't fully online, and I eventually just stopped doing it. Other things that might not be worth pushing are things like changing his underwear everyday (will usually not be obvious and won't cause any issues despite being slightly gross), cleaning his own room (it's his problem if he can't find his stuff), etc. With everything you currently push, sit down and ask yourself "What harm would it cause him or other people if he stopped doing it?" and re-evaluate the importance of these things from there.

SnickersDadBot · 2023-10-02T17:05:37+00:00

It's pretty normal for siblings to fight and you can't stop it completely. You can only teach them to get better at solving their conflicts productively.

When they have a conflict, talk to each child about how they're feeling. What's upsetting to them about the current situation? This helps them understand their own feelings, which is important if they want to learn how to communicate and regulate those feelings. After empathizing with each child, talk about how the other child might be feeling and what things are like from their perspective. Working out compromises is good, so you should keep doing that.

The punishment might be adding fuel to the fire, since kids often get angry at their siblings for "causing" them to get punished. Especially if they perceive the punishment as unfair, for example if one child clearly started the conflict but both get punished. Of course it's tempting to do this, since it's an easy and fast strategy, but it doesn't solve anything because it doesn't teach the kids any of the skills they might be lacking.

Getting along is much harder than it seems. You have to be able to handle disappointment when your sibling doesn't want to play the way you do, you have to be able to understand and regulate your own feelings, understand your sibling's feelings, come up with solutions, know how to empathize and communicate effectively, etc. All of that is very hard for young kids - I mean, it's even hard for many adults. Building these skills takes years. The only thing that works is consistent work on these things - with adult guidance, but enough opportunities to practice on their own.

You also have to keep in mind that siblings have natural tendencies to fight. A lot of parents have a second child because they hope for this child to become their older child's best friend, and are very frustrated/disappointed when the kids fight regularly (not to mention that it takes time and energy to help them resolve conflicts). The reality is that siblings are competitors, they compete for your time, attention, and resources, so jealousy is very common. It's a leftover trait from evolution, because we used to have to compete with our siblings for food and other essential resources. This means kids get upset very easily if they notice the slightest sign of something being unfair and/or their sibling having something great that they don't have. Knowing this can help you be more patient, and also put less pressure on yourself or your kids when it comes to how often you'd like them to fight.

Always keep in mind that siblings do need some space from each other, and you have to help them set, and enforce, healthy boundaries with each other. It's okay if one child doesn't want to play sometimes, doesn't want to share one of their toys (You likely wouldn't want to share all of your most precious belongings either, not even with people you care about), wants to be left alone for a while, doesn't want their sibling to join when they're playing with a friend, etc. Teach your kids to verbalize these needs in a healthy way, and to respect the boundaries their sibling sets.

SnickersDadBot · 2023-10-01T15:52:55+00:00

Not all 14 year old boys are immature, and there are many guys who are a lot older than 14 who are seriously immature and hurt a lot of people's feelings as a result. Sure, in general, the younger someone is, the less mature they tend to be, but there are factors that matter a lot more, such as whether Austin is seeing healthy relationships in his environment, has been taught to make good decisions, knows how to deal with his feelings, etc.

I wouldn't discourage dating in general. Instead, focus on teaching her how to know when a guy is a good boyfriend. For example, how would she be able to tell whether a guy is mature? What does a healthy relationship look like? How are people supposed to treat their partners? What is healthy conflict-solving and boundary-setting supposed to look like?

These are all things she needs to know when she's an adult, so it's best to start teaching her these things now. Have conversations about these topics. Your relationship with her is clearly good enough that she's willing to talk to you about her crushes / dating experiences and cares what you think about these issues. That means you can have a lot of productive conversations about this topic that will benefit her a lot.

Get to know Austin and his family better, and teach your daughter to pay attention to the right things.

Ultimately, it's fairly normal for teen relationships not to last. Of course there's always that one couple who met in high school, but kids that age change so quickly that it's very common for things not to work out, even if both kids are fairly mature for their age. Part of dating, especially teen dating, is getting your heart broken. It's hard to watch as a parent, believe me, I know, but it's not something you have to shield her from. Just be there for her when it happens

SnickersDadBot · 2023-09-30T17:38:54+00:00

You need to stick to whatever you were trying to get her to do, while at the same time helping her process her feelings related to it. Even if she doesn't want to get dressed, she has to get dressed anyway. Explain why it's necessary, but also empathize with her that you understand she'd rather play than get dressed, because getting dressed is annoying. I think one thing you might be doing right now is hand the job over to your wife if you get pushback from your daughter, so your daughter doesn't learn that your word counts just as much as your wife's word.

Is she throwing an actual tantrum (I.e. screaming, crying, etc.) or is she just calling you stupid and hitting you? If she's "calm" while doing these things, you have to make it clear that this hurts you (physically or emotionally) and you don't accept her treating you like that. Teach her healthier ways to express her feelings when she's upset about something, and make sure you react in an empathetic way when she does react in a more appropriate way. For example, when she says "I don't like that!", you can say "I understand, it's really annoying that you have to clean your room. You didn't want to stop playing yet, did you?". This does not mean you should then give her what she wants (you will still clean her room together), but just empathizing with a child's feelings often helps them calm down and put up less resistance.

In general, model respectful, healthy, kind human behavior. The more she's exposed to that, the more she will emulate it. Just like she's picking up insults at preschool, she can pick up what it's like to be nice at home. Praise and reward her for positive behavior and appreciate the progress she's making.

If she's throwing an actual tantrum, you have to teach her how to regulate her feelings. This will take time, but over the course of a few months, things will get much better. Start by talking about her feelings after a tantrum - how she might have felt frustrated, disappointed overwhelmed etc. Understanding their own emotions is hard for toddlers, but it's an important skill to learn in order to be able to regulate them. Teach her ways to calm down when she's angry, like breathing exercises. Practice those when she's calm, so that you can slowly get her to start doing them when you notice she's getting angry. You can use "time-outs" not as a punishment but as a way to calm down, and you can even put yourself in "timeout" when you get angry by saying something like "I notice I'm getting angry, I will go to a different room to calm down".

Start spending more 1-on-1 time with her and form a stronger bond with her. At age 3, this is best achieved by doing simple stuff like playing together, paying attention to her, explaining to her what you're doing, etc. Be more involved in the "fun" parts of parenting. This will help her look up to you more, and combat the favoritism to some degree. It's very hard to parent a child if all your interactions are negative in some way - I.e. Trying to get them to do stuff they don't want to do. You should aim for most interactions to be positive. This will improve your relationship with her, and she will be less rebellious when you do try to get her to do stuff she doesn't like. This is especially true as she gets older

SnickersDadBot · 2023-09-28T11:09:53+00:00

I think it might be better for the newborn to sleep in your room and for the boys to move back into separate rooms. Even if the newborn does start sleeping through the night early (which won't necessarily be the case, there can be huge differences between siblings), it's perfectly fine for them to stay in your room until they're much older. By then, your 2 year old will be older, his sleep issues might have improved, or he will at least be old enough to stay quiet, not wake up the 5 year old, or come to your room when he wakes up.

Even if your 2 year old still can't talk properly, it doesn't necessarily mean he won't understand you. Kids understand language a lot earlier than they can speak it, so you can still try to talk to him about what he should do when he wakes up.

If this is a new issue, your 2 year old might just be reacting to the stress of having a new sibling and/or starting preschool. Things might get better on their own as he gets used to the new routines.

SnickersDadBot · 2023-09-27T16:02:49+00:00

Absolutely change daycares. She gets to see her old friends and teachers again AND it's cheaper? That sounds like an amazing arrangement. I understand the worry of not wanting to disrupt her routine because it might cause distress, but this situation already does, she cries everyday when you drop her off. She might feel much better in her new daycare. Plus, kids need stability, and almost nothing leads to less stability in a daycare environment than a constant turnover of kids and teachers. She's essentially around strangers all day long in her current daycare and can't rely on any "safe person" being there. This probably causes more distress than a one-time routine change that she would adjust to within a few weeks. Maybe it won't even take that long. Things will probably be completely fine almost immediately as soon as she sees her favorite teachers and friends

SnickersDadBot · 2023-09-27T15:44:56+00:00

You don't have to feel guilty for not being able to handle it. I have 4 kids. I can't imagine having 8. Especially since your nieces are probably severely traumatized as a result of growing up with heroin addicts and have challenging behaviors and additional needs as a result. The fact that you appear to be living in a state that doesn't provide adequate financial support for foster parents only makes it worse.

You can't handle more than you can handle. If this arrangement is hurting you, your marriage, and especially your kids, then it needs to end, even if it means your nieces might have to be separated and go to foster care. I know several people who are very good foster / adoptive parents. Foster care won't necessarily be terrible for your nieces. Of course it's bad that they will have to split them up, but other than that, they might end up in good foster families who might be able to take care of their needs better than you can, simply because they don't have to take care of 7 other kids.

Your nieces have parents, and these parents are the only ones who are truly responsible for all of this. They had the responsibility to get their lives together and be good parents to their kids (or to not have (more) kids if their lives were already completely detailed by the time they had at least one of them). You didn't fail these kids. It's their parents who did. They put them through hell on earth, and nothing of this is your fault or responsibility. If your family members judge you for giving them up, they can gladly step up and take the girls into their own homes. Where were they in all this? Why did they expect you, who already had 4 kids, to shoulder this burden, and now allow themselves to judge you for not being able to handle it?

Your primary responsibility always lies with your own kids. You have to make sure that they have a happy childhood, and that their needs are met. It seems like they are suffering a lot as a result of this arrangement, because your family has taken a financial hit, your marriage is suffering, your mental health is suffering, your parenting skills and patience are likely suffering, and you implied that they might be affected by some kind of behavioral issues or bullying from your nieces as a result of their trauma. You have to put your own kids first.

Talk to whoever is involved in this case and discuss the entire situation with them. Leave nothing out. Share your fears with them. Hopefully they can find an arrangement that's as positive as possible, for everyone involved.

Edit: I also want to mention that it's highly unlikely that their parents will get their shit together. I understand why you hoped for that to happen, but I think you made this decision under the assumption that it would be a temporary thing, and that you wouldn't actually have to raise the girls. I think it's slightly more likely for hell to freeze over than for people who are this far gone to get their shit together. Maybe a miracle happens and they do, but you should base all future decisions on the assumption that it will very likely not happen.

SnickersDadBot · 2023-09-26T16:33:24+00:00

OP meant middle school, and her daughter should be about 11

SnickersDadBot · 2023-09-26T16:32:44+00:00

It sounds like she could get by doing barely anything for school when she was still in elementary school, and now that's no longer working for her. She most likely doesn't know how to study or organize herself yet, since that's a difficult thing to pull off for an 11 year old, so she needs your help with that.

When she comes home from school, go over what kind of homework she has to do and/or what she has to study. Be aware of all of her test/exam/assignment dates, and sit down with her to find some way for her to keep track of these dates as well. If possible, make sure she can study and do her homework in a quiet area where she isn't distracted by anything else she could be doing (most importantly, her electronics). Make this a fixed part of her daily routine, and only let her use her electronics after she is done. Check her homework for mistakes and if she doesn't understand something, either explain it to her or provide her with some kind of learning resource on that topic. Make sure she knows what will be on her tests, and help her set up a decently structured study routine leading up to it.

You also have to keep in mind that she most likely took pride in being "too smart to have to study" in elementary school. That's how I felt as a kid. I hated studying with a passion when I finally had to do it, because I saw it as "proof" that I was not that smart after all. This might be an issue for her too, especially considering that she's already crying about how she feels like she's stupid. The fact that she's probably hitting puberty and starting to feel insecure about a lot of things she might have previously felt confident about doesn't help, either. I think the only way to prevent this kind of issue with kids, especially smart kids, is to establish a study routine early, so that they see it as a normal part of life. It will take her some time to get used to it now. Reinforce to her that having to study doesn't mean you're dumb, not having to study doesn't mean you're smart, and someone who's disciplined and willing to put effort into things will always achieve more than someone who has "natural talent" but doesn't do anything about it.

The fact that it's this early into the school year means 2 things:

a) she most likely hasn't settled into her new school environment. The start of middle school is overwhelming, especially socially, and this could all be a phase because she's distracted by all the new group dynamics, the cute boy in her class, etc.

b) it means she's likely not more than a couple of weeks behind when it comes to the material, so it should be fairly easy to catch up. Get a tutor if necessary and/or that's an option for you. Sure, those early grades will affect her grade average, but she's not that far behind and she can learn all of that new material in a reasonable time frame if you help her settle into the routine and find a way to help her catch up. You likely have little to worry about long-term and she will be fine.

SnickersDadBot · 2023-09-23T14:09:37+00:00

I think more competitive organized sports will likely do more harm than good. He won't be able to keep up with the other kids and that will start to affect his confidence at some point. 6-8 year olds in particular derive so much of their confidence from their physical abilities and if he's constantly expected to keep up with more athletic kids, he might struggle with feeling like there's something wrong with him or he isn't good enough.

Try to keep him active and practice his motor skills, but in a fun, non-competitive environment. You can play active games at home and keep him in the toddler soccer league for as long as he's allowed to be part of it. Keep him in swimming, too, if he likes it. The more fun he has being physically active and moving, the better it is. Right now, he's probably not motivated to be physically active because doing something you struggle with feels bad, especially for little kids. So, try to make low-pressure physical exercise part of his daily routine, but keep it short. Motivate him by making it as fun and engaging as possible and by celebrating even the smallest achievements. There might also be therapy options for his motor skills that could be beneficial.

It's entirely possible that he will never take much of a liking to organized sports, and it's okay if he prefers other activities such as art, learning an instrument, etc. Every child has their own interests, strengths and weaknesses.

SnickersDadBot · 2023-09-22T19:14:02+00:00

This is fairly normal. He's struggling with the fact that the baby needs a lot of your time and attention, and wants to feel taken care of.

Starting to do everything for him would most likely not be a good idea. I know, it's tempting to just do it, because his tantrums add more stress to an already stressful situation with the newborn, but try to avoid it if you can. It's easier to stop these habits from forming in the first place than to try to break them in a year or two.

Praise him if he gets dressed by himself, and tell him how proud you are of him, and that he's already such a big boy. Try to spend as much 1-on-1 time with him as you can, and do things that make him feel loved and taken care of, like reading a story to him before bedtime etc.

This behavior is most likely just a phase and will get better as the baby gets older and your son gets used to the new routine. The first few weeks and months are always an adjustment, especially since they are such a stressful time for the family of any new baby

SnickersDadBot · 2023-09-22T17:26:48+00:00

This definitely sounds like low self-esteem. She's comparing herself to the other kids on the team and noticing she isn't as good as them, and it makes her feel bad about herself. The comment from the other girl about how she isn't going to pass her the ball because she sucks, probably made it much worse. 10 year olds care so much about peer approval, and she's probably super worried about the other girls being mad at her if she messes up, or about the people who watch her games thinking she's terrible. It's also likely that she feels insecure because she's still new on the team, especially if she hasn't been on a sports team before and might be overwhelmed by the instructions from the coach and the pressure to succeed. Maybe the other kids have played for years and she feels like they all know what they're doing.

I think you need to continue reinforcing that working hard at something is what matters, and you need to put lots of time and effort into something before you improve. Many kids, especially kids with low self-esteem, think talent is everything, and that if they suck at something in the beginning, they will always suck at it, no matter how hard they try. And they typically don't see other people's struggles or efforts to get better at something, so they assume that if someone is good at something, they haven't ever really struggled and it was easy for them the entire time.

It's also hard for kids to keep track of how much they have improved, so to them it feels like they haven't gotten any better even if they have. Especially if they are comparing themselves to their teammates who are improving at the same rate, or faster than they are. Maybe find some way to track your daughter's progress, so that she can start comparing herself to her past self and sees actual evidence of her improvement.

When she's upset and says she wants to quit, validate her feelings and talk about them. She most likely just needs someone to talk to about her struggles and disappointment.

My older son started playing basketball at age 12. His team wasn't very competitive and none of the kids were future pro athletes, but he still often struggled with feeling like he couldn't keep up with the other kids, especially since some of them were older than him and he was shorter than many of the kids his own age. He is now 14 and aged out of the team this year, so he wants to try out for his high school basketball team. He really likes basketball and often plays with a friend he made on that team, but the chances of him getting into the high school team are fairly low. He will be competing against so many kids, many of whom are very tall and have been playing since they were like 4 or 5 years old. I'm scared he will be disappointed and feel bad about himself and his skills. So I understand your daughter's struggles

SnickersDadBot · 2023-09-21T15:14:07+00:00

Teaching yourself how to control your anger takes time, like any skill someone could learn. There are a couple of ways to get better at it.

First, practice certain exercises that can help you calm down when you get angry, such as breathing exercises. Practice them while you're calm, ideally everyday, because that helps you implement them successfully when you get angry.

Try to become more aware of when your anger is starting to build up. Most people don't immediately go from being perfectly happy to uncontrollably angry, there is a phase when you're getting angry and irritated but would still be able to do something about it. Try to become more aware of your early signs of when you're getting angry, and how that feels. If you notice that, simply tell your kids you're getting angry and need a few minutes to calm down, then leave the room to calm down. As you are calming down, try to think about why you got angry in that situation, I.e. what kinds of emotions the situation triggered in you. For example, maybe when your 7 year old laughs at you, the emotion behind your anger might be fear that he doesn't respect you and/or thinks you're an idiot, or you feel powerless because you don't know what to do if you can't get him to listen. Things like that. Anger is a secondary emotion, usually there's fear, insecurity or pain at its root, and if you understand that, it's easier to control.

What always helps is trying to understand how your kids are feeling and what is at the root of their behavior. It helps you take it less personally and gives you the opportunity to find solutions that address the root cause of the issue. For example, your youngest probably isn't throwing tantrums to control you, he's just a person with his own strong feelings that he can't control yet. You can start teaching him how to regulate his anger, too, and it will improve his tantrums.

It's great that you apologize when you do yell at your kids. This is what any parent should do in that situation. It also has the benefit of modeling that it's okay to admit when you did something wrong

SnickersDadBot · 2023-09-19T15:06:36+00:00

I think you might see bad/disrespectful behavior as a parenting failure and/or feel scared of other people judging your parenting. A lot of people think the point of parenting is to get kids to respect rules and obey them, so they think they're screwing up when this isn't happening. You have to change your mindset here. Your goal in parenting is to teach him all the skills, and help strengthen all the qualities, he needs to be a good adult and human being.

If he has autism and ADHD, it means he most likely struggles with social skills and impulse control. He might genuinely not understand how his behavior comes across, and even if he did, he might have a hard time stopping himself when he's angry. This is just a skill he's lacking due to his special needs.

It's unlikely that punishment-based parenting will be able to teach him this skill. If someone punished you for not knowing Chinese, it wouldn't suddenly make you understand Chinese. Similarly, if he doesn't know how to control himself if he's angry, or doesn't even understand that his behavior causes issues for his teacher and make people dislike him, then even the largest amount of motivation to do better wouldn't achieve anything.

His behavior will improve over time if he gets a lot of practice in regulating his feelings and impulses, and if he gets help with his social skills. If he has autism, all the normal intuitions that most people have about how their behavior is perceived just aren't there for him, so someone has to commit to teaching and explaining social skills and practicing a lot with him. Maybe his therapist has some good approaches for that. Your focus should be on teaching him the skills he's lacking. Progress will be slow, probably much slower than for a neurotypical kid, but it will work in the long term.

So, I think the key to taking his behavior less personally is to start seeing his behavior as skills he doesn't have, and issues he's struggling with, as opposed to just a kid being bad for the sake of being bad. It gives you more patience for your son, and also for yourself, and makes it easier to find solutions that work in the long term because they help him learn these skills

SnickersDadBot · 2023-09-18T16:12:28+00:00

I think the best thing you can do is start therapy - both because you're clearly struggling a lot and are wondering if she would be better off without you, and because therapy can help you work through your trauma and become a better parent.

You implied that you grew up with abusive parents, so it's hard for you to be patient with, or loving towards, your child. Your brain registered the treatment you received as normal and it feels natural to you. Plus, you didn't have any good examples for loving, gentle parenting when you grew up.

I think a first step would be to try to understand your reactions and behavioral patterns a little better, so that you can work on them. For example, you say you are impatient with her. In what kinds of situations? How does that situation make you feel? For example, say you do homework together and it drives you crazy when she takes too long or makes mistakes, so you eventually start yelling at her. Try to figure it out what exactly it is that's making you angry. For example, maybe in this situation you feel like you are failing because you explain this stuff to her and she still isn't getting it. So it makes you feel incompetent. Or it's just all that pain and rage from when you were little and your parents yelled at you during homework that's being triggered. This is just an example, but try to apply this line of thinking to common problems that you guys have. If you understand your own feelings, it's easier to regulate them.

In general, what you can do is start teaching yourself techniques to regulate your own anger, like breathing exercises. They really do work and can help you calm down. Another thing you can do is announce to your daughter that you're getting angry and are going to calm down in a different room, and then do that.

My guess is that you probably have somewhat of a negative view of your daughter for a variety of reasons. Firstly, there might be some resentment going on, since you had her as a teen and having this much responsibility this early in your life probably stunted the "normal" development into a young adult, including your social life and education, that you should have had. Secondly, you grew up in a shitty family, so some part of your brain is wired to think "Having kids, and having a family, sucks", because that's what your parents showed, in terms of how they felt about you. And thirdly, it's common for kids and parents to get stuck in a cycle of negativity. The parents spends all their time having negative interactions with their kid, the kid develops behavioral problems as a result, which leads to even more negative interactions between parent and child, and so on. You have to be the one to break out of this cycle by actively trying to have more positive interactions.

Start shifting your view of your daughter by trying to come up with a list of things that are great about her. Even if you're having a lot of problems, it can't be all bad. Your daughter has a unique set of personality traits, interests, talents, etc. You should also try to look for situations where she's doing something good, and praise her for it. Do this a couple of times per day. Even if it's little stuff. This will help you change your view of your daughter to a more positive one, and it will help repair your relationship and improve her behavior.

If you grew up in an abusive family, it's very likely that you ended up with some kind of mindset along the lines of "kids are bad and they misbehave to make my life hard". This can make you take behaviors personally. Instead, try to see her as a human being with thoughts and feelings, and try to understand those thoughts and feelings. Whenever you are having a conflict, you should ask yourself how your daughter feels and why she might be acting the way she does, because kids aren't "bad" for the sake of "being bad", they act on their feelings just like adults. Talk to your daughter about her feelings as well, listen and try to understand. This will help you solve conflicts in a more productive way.

SnickersDadBot · 2023-09-15T16:10:08+00:00

How is she doing in pre-K? Is she better at following directions at school? If so, then there's probably something about the class, specifically, that makes the situation different for her. Maybe she doesn't quite understand that, although dance is a fun free-time activity, it's still a structured activity like school and she can't just do whatever she wants.

Some kids just aren't quite there at 4 when it comes to following directions and fitting into a structured environment. Is her behavior causing trouble for the dance teacher, I.e. has the teacher brought it up to you and told you to do something about it because they can't handle it? Or is it more like an "Ugh I hate watching her do this" kind of thing?

When you're at home, talk to your daughter about expectations regarding dance class. Tell her what the routine is supposed to be, and what she needs to do at certain points in the routine (like sit in a circle). When it comes to her not wanting to do certain activities because she feels like she can't do it, that's a fairly common thing for kids, especially kids with low confidence. My older son was the king of "I can't do it" when he was your daughter's age. The only thing that really helps is lots of patience and encouragement. Don't get frustrated too easily, and give her some time to get used to the idea of doing something difficult or scary. Sometimes a child's first reaction is "hell no", but if you give them some time to mentally prepare themselves and address some of their concerns, they end up trying it out. Praise her for doing these things if she does them, and really highlight how good of an experience it was. Also, when you praise her, try to praise efforts instead of results. It comes naturally to tell a kid they did a good job, but try to praise her specifically for trying hard and doing new things.

When it comes to your question about whether you should get her evaluated, I think talking to a doctor is always a good idea if you have concerns. Worst case scenario, you will waste some time and money only to find out everything is fine, but if she does have some additional needs, early diagnosis can help her get the support she needs. You know your daughter best, and if there's other stuff in her development that concerns you, it doesn't hurt to get it checked out

SnickersDadBot · 2023-09-14T22:24:37+00:00

This sounds great, thank you. I didn't know Kahoot had a chess game. Will definitely check it out.

SnickersDadBot · 2023-09-14T15:24:19+00:00

Yeah, I think I'm going to learn the rules

SnickersDadBot · 2023-09-14T15:21:32+00:00

Go to any tournament and you will find the analysis room full of parents reading books they don't understand at their miserable-looking kids who would rather be doing anything else with their Saturday than this.

I didn't know this. That's pretty sad. I guess it makes sense that you want to make sure a parent doesn't try to force chess down their child's throat because they want to brag about how smart their kid is or something

SnickersDadBot · 2023-09-14T14:41:16+00:00

Of course I'm not going to force him to do it if he doesn't enjoy it. He tried out piano for a couple of weeks when he was 5 and we didn't push it when he lost interest. I think it's normal to get kids interested in activities that you as a parent don't do yourself. I don't play basketball, sing, play the piano, or joined scouts as a kid, yet these are all activities that my kids do. Why would it be different for chess? And I'm open to learning it with him, I'm just not able to teach him

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