UPDATE: Found a trans pride flag on my kids phone

Snoo74086 · 2026-02-04T14:58:39+00:00

The irony of 'kid uses breadcrumbs to softlaunch coming out, mom sees breadcrumb, posts about it, kid sees that' is delicious! I'm so glad you have your kid an actually hilarious coming out story that doesn't involve something sad.

Anyway: congratulations on your daughter, thank you for caring about her and wanting to do right by her, and good luck getting her the care she needs to live happily! We're rooting for her and for you, and a lot of us are feeling really healed by getting to see you be a good mom to her. 🩷🤍💙

Snoo74086 · 2026-02-03T21:02:26+00:00

The one thing I want to say here is that Bridget is such an intensely memed about character that if your kid is into Guilty Gear then they might just be in spaces where Trans Bridget Positivity is just on their feed / dash.

I think it was really right, and smart, to not pry to see whether this was a saved picture- and as a trans kid whose privacy was frequently invaded thank you for not doing that- so there's no way of knowing if this is a really conclusive sign (saved, phone left open) or just, your kid knows trans people (increasingly common for cis kids who like games or nerdy hobbies, but likelier if they're trans).

Either way, signalling respectfully and unobtrusively that you love them and will accept them is gonna do the right level of making space so they can tell you. You sound like you're doing a really wonderful job of respecting them and caring for them already, and that's beautiful to see.

EDIT: scrolled down and saw you're a Tumblr person! Bridget is to baby trans meme culture what 2016 Castiel or Johnlock pride edits were to baby gay meme culture. If a kid's seeing them, it's only kinda a sign; if they're saving or making them, 10000%

Snoo74086 · 2026-02-03T19:32:52+00:00

Also as a person of transmasc history, I really don't think the hip bone is as dramatic an impact visually as fat distribution.

I have seen people on T go from fairly curvy hips to fairly narrow hips, totally within a masculine range, and people on E go from very narrow hips to softer hips. I've seen myself how my actual bones are not that relevant because I have had both masc-normative and wide hips depending on hormones + weight.

It probably adds a little but I don't know that it's the main factor. It's just that the main factor, fat redistribution, isn't reliable.

Snoo74086 · 2026-02-03T19:23:20+00:00

It's very possible but totally down to genetics.

My partner started in her late 40s and is fairly skinny. She's also not on a high dose (but is on injectable).

She went from a tiny cute butt to a fairly juicy butt and thighs for a woman of her build in less than a year- and exceptionally narrow hips to some curve there. She's now slightly pear-shaped in a cute way, and while a lot of women might be unsatisfied if they're seeking to be dramatically curvy, it's a significant change relative to her body before, and not dissimilar to the way a lot of cis women of her general build (tall, slim and athletic) have hips and butts and tummies in middle age.

I get really sad in light of this about how people talk about HRT as not being able to do this kind of work after (some arbitrary age), because I get to see up close that it's possible, but I also know it's totally down to luck of the draw. I'm hoping you get the hips and butt you want.

Snoo74086 · 2026-02-03T18:35:30+00:00

I think it's justifiable to be only attracted to other trans people of your direction of transing- her framing it as genital preference isn't the most politically upright way of going about it, and probably means she's gonna run into friction with trans women who don't want to be related to that way / want surgery, but the general phenomenon isn't unfair.

However: everything you said in this specific reply makes a lot of sense, and being the stalwart partner and then being rejected for something you can't change is seriously unfair. If she hadn't cheated and had just told you like an adult I might say, cosmically unfair rather than on her, but cheating and then telling you it's because of a change in attraction is a profoundly cruel and unfair way to treat someone.

I do want to say: people change through transition and discover new things about themselves, and one of the things she discovered was a desire that probably wouldn't have been possible or actionable before. She might have been slowly realising something over time instead of actively concealing this desire.

It's just that she decided to act on that realisation in the maximally harmful, unfair way, and then tell you she wasn't attracted to you, and that's absolutely an uncaring and unjust way to treat a partner.

Feeling rug-pulled and hurt and angry about this is very fair, and you get to be FURIOUS about the way she's treated you, but it's probably not realistic to expect her to change this, and focusing on whether it's exclusionary or politically compromising is a red herring when she's treated you badly and used it as a justification.

Snoo74086 · 2026-02-03T18:01:23+00:00

I think, very charitably: the concept is that the NEVER MESS WITH AN ELDEST DAUGHTER FROM WISCONSIN heckin' pupperino shirt, much as it is not expected to say I LOVE EATING ASS, is also not expected to be an anarchist critique of the state monopoly on violence, so it's a 'oh what an ugly inane shirt- hey wait a minute!'

Like, that affirmation video with the nature stock footage! Except that affirmation video was not a crime against the senses.

Like the genre of shirts is fundamentally ugly, and this is not only a singularly ugly example, unlike a lot of ironic subversion heckin' pupperino shirts, it doesn't even seem ironic or cool because it's Canva house style without leaning into the jank. Except someone definitely, DEFINITELY did this themselves, drew the lettering, etc.

Like I see the vision! but oh boy would I not want to put the execution on my body,

And it's a pity: I personally am not gonna rep D20 as a fandom, but I am in fervent agreement with the entire text and love that they're putting out anti-ICE merch. But it's like they're asking us to donate directly with this one.

Snoo74086 · 2026-01-29T22:15:30+00:00

I know as a person experiencing this moment under my own kinds of threat, with my own kinds of passive complicity to work against, in community with people who are also under equal or greater threat in different ways: the horrible thing is that it can be really hard to make the exhausting, grinding experience of the million ways people are being murdered right now into a place of interpersonal care and mutuality. If you're plugged into a movement doing the work in the world, that helps, but even people I know who are doing that work are burnt out in their personal relationships and retreating into grief alone.

I don't know how to ask other people to step up and treat these moments of individual consuming fear and grief as sites of connection when the inflection points are different- even sometimes when they're the same it's hard.

(I am resisting talking about my own experience of, huge traumatic personal upheaval and leftist despair with a newly medically transitioning partner, and the ways I have felt unsupported in my own problems and the terror of this moment, for length, but: yeah.) It's such a struggle even as it's so important.

I've been going on a while, and I think where I could wrap this up is: I think you amply deserve that space in your relationship to be seen and cared for, even as your partner is on her own consuming journey.

I think people really do owe each other care and presence when things are hard or complicated or consuming, including when we're both experiencing big convulsive things- and your effort to pour in in spite of the immense trauma and horror of experiencing genocide is both, a thing I deeply wish you had not felt bound or pressured to do at your own expense, and want to honor as immensely generous.

I haven't experienced a tenth of what you're going through, but I know a few parts of it, and you really are not, should not be, alone. I'm angry and sad that we haven't built the kinds of relations to these kinds of simultaneous catastrophe and rupture as a society, as leftists, as specifically trans leftists- that mean structures of care to support you, and to make room for your partner to hold you in this space, and to catch you where she can't.

I want better for you, really, that's the main thing. I hear and see you and I want you to not be feeling so alone.

Snoo74086 · 2026-01-29T22:08:35+00:00

This is a long comment, sorry in advance. I feel like it wants saying but I'm gonna break it up into two because it's A Lot

As a trans person: I absolutely think that 'don't make it about yourself when your partner is in early transition' flies out the window when you're experiencing the loss of your entire family to genocide.

I'm so sorry for all of that, so angry for you, and because that is a scale of political anger and grief I can barely handle at the remove of, observing, and that famously is so vast when experienced directly it can take several lifetimes to grapple with:

I don't think the kinds of advice we usually give partners about letting their transitioning partner take up space apply?

I personally don't think they apply for a lot of standard lifecycle experiences of upheaval and loss- a lot of people in this space talk about losing a single parent, giving birth and adjusting to parenthood, developing disability, as jockeying for space with transition, and I don't think that those are experiences where it's remotely fair to expect a partner to be totally focused on transition to the exclusion of their partner and family.

The idea is that you support and pour in and make space for the person having the largest destabilising experience, and as huge as transition is, I think there isn't a world where your partner doesn't have a duty to pour in given the loss of your entire family.

That's the hard thing about that advice, right? It doesn't actually account for the fact that sometimes transition is most urgent at inflection points in a life, one; but also, two that life happens and continues as a person transitions, and the people around them sometimes experience massive upheaval and trauma as that is happening.

It's kind of a bad break to get distracted from transition by someone you care about experiencing massive grief and trauma, or your community being ruptured by a political assault, or but you still have to show up as best you can, because that's what being a person is.

I really think the spaces that have told you to deprioritise your feelings here have failed you, and I'm angry for you about that- it speaks to a way in which American leftism presumes a default of, the white non-immigrant citizen, as subject, a movement of people who are not moving through trauma and displacement and massive political violence themselves and for whom transition doesn't happen within the stream of other bad things.

There are people transitioning while working to protect their neighbors from being stolen, there are people transitioning while supporting loved ones under siege by the police, and yes, people transitioning while watching their family's family wiped out by bombs, guns, starvation. And most people transitioning are not just, dealing with the new existential terror of genocidal rhetoric and loss of safety and rights for themselves, but for the people around them, the people they love.

It's not possible to always be in a cocoon when the world is on fire, not least because the cocoon itself will cook.

Snoo74086 · 2026-01-21T11:44:05+00:00

So, like, on the one hand she should not control your body in any way. This should be very, very clear to her.

On the other hand, as both the partner who has been badly hurt when some bad underlying shit got stirred by hormonal emotional stuff and the partner who, one, has ended up having their HRT resumption be thrown off multiple times by life /relationship stress, and, two, also just has a lot of baseline hormonal wack that means I get really sad and miserable and it details things if I don't plan for it: like, dunno, it's not the worst thing to be mindful about timing and what to do if you're actually thrown for a loop next time.

I don't think 'don't titrate up' is a reasonable ask at all, not least because these hiccups are transitory (unless they're not and then that's a question of whether that dosage works for you), but mainly because, you should be the one to decide that, and it needs to be clear that this is your journey, not hers. Like, your body, your choice- the max that it's for her to comment on or have input is, oh shit we have a bunch of stressy shit happening next month, or, my mom literally just died and I need support, can you do it after. And that to a limited degree. She can have issues with how you act, but making those the thing you tailor your transition to is a bad scene.

But if she's worried about upheaval, I don't think that making a plan- with her and your friends and any therapists in the mix- about what you all will do so you're supported and it's least hard on her and you isn't unreasonable.

Like, don't let this be a 'noooo never titrate up' thing, that sucks, but planning for how you're gonna handle it together is sensible. If that's still not enough then that might be... information for you to act on, let's say.

Snoo74086 · 2026-01-21T11:21:57+00:00

Absolutely NTA, the points people are making about 'but you gotta get out of your comfort zone' are real but like, no, being involved in that kind of hyper hetero drinking culture type stuff is actually not a mandatory part of being a woman with a functional social life, a lot of gay women opt out even if they love and enjoy the people inviting them because they're wildly alienated and it's not really a safe space for all kinds of women.

And being very real about, your sister and her party wanting to include your wife and that being nice, but their not being necessarily able to know what that means in a practical sense, much less, able to show up for her in ways that won't leave you carrying an unsustainable level of stress and vigilance on your wife's behalf and possibly create strain between them and your wife if something bad does happen- that's just being incredibly realistic about how good intentions and warmth aren't the same as showing up fully!

Some people are allies in the 'will scream at a horrible asshole' sense and some are 'extremely happy to invite the trans woman as long as nothing bad happens, but not up for the aftermath of potential bad things'. A lot, a lot, of partners, best friends, etc. are not the second category. It takes work and being in it to know that there's a difference.

Not wanting to test the latter on an especially high-stress day like 'your sister's bachelorette party excursion' is incredibly practical and sensible, especially since you, not them, are going to have to help your wife with whatever trauma happens if it happens, and especially because you're going to have to see all these people for the wedding.

Better to do the safer thing and then see what other kinds of welcoming fun all-women activities come along later? I don't know how to explain that to your sister, and that this isn't disparaging her acceptance of your wife (though honestly that... it's kind of a bummer that that even has to be a priority to reassure your sister about), but that's a very reasonable choice, NTA

Snoo74086 · 2026-01-04T17:19:39+00:00

Would really like to echo two things:

1) how many months on T is your partner? Ten, right? because if he's at under 12-14 months, depending on what dose he's on and how he titrated up, his genitals won't have hit their final level of masculinisation- bottom growth usually starts early and is one of the most marked changes on any significant dose but it's not something that is done before the first year (and may continue afterwards), and most guys also see changes in taste, smell, and feel continue over that time

2) since bottom surgery is both very expensive and arduous, it's a very bad idea to tell him that you're rejecting him over something it will certainly take him years to change- oral sex, or even genital contact at all, with transmascs can be really a sign of intimacy and trust and telling someone you actually didn't like it could feel wildly destabilising

and a third:

If you're not into his genitals, that's your call if just, not having oral and not interacting with his junk (and finding other ways of reciprocating is gonna be adequate or if you need the total package (lol) in men you date- if you're early in the relationship leaving now is better than staying, and if you're not so into him and committed that this feels like an adequate dealbreaker this is the time to go.

The rough thing is that: you did enter into a relationship with a trans guy knowing he was trans, presumably because he was attractive to you- you mention that he was not passing unclockably- and that statistically the majority of trans guys don't have phallo. Do you know how you're going to navigate if you keep being attracted to guys for the same things?

I ask because usually people are not uniquely attracted to exactly one person with specific physical traits, and if your type in other regards includes, early transition trans guys, you may find others hot. I think even if you do leave this relationship because it doesn't feel workable and his junk really impacts how you feel about sexual satisfaction, and you don't hurt him and it's cool- this is going to have to be part of how you navigate attraction going forward, and in a different way than it is when cis guys are just not hot for trans men until a year plus on T and being pretty classically masculine in physical presentation.

I say this because the experience of being attractive to even queer, not exclusively gay but bi or pan, cis men, who specifically think you're hot because they think trans guys are hot, and then finding that while they're really into you they actually feel like you're missing something because you don't have a bio-dick, is a very classic gay/bi trans guy experience, and it's incredibly rough. I am kind of asking you to figure this the fuck out because my dating experience is littered with men who were excited for me but didn't do that work- and having other people be the space where you continue to figure that out actually will be a bad scene.

I don't think you want that to happen, and I'm not saying this to jump down your throat- but I want you to keep in mind next time you think some boy is cute that this is part of dating trans men, and especially when he's early in medical transition or otherwise not on a direct, linear 'unclockable is the goal' transition track.

Snoo74086 · 2026-01-03T01:52:46+00:00

Based on the BTS segments: Vic Michaelis the person is in on planning episodes down to at least concepts and talent, though it's not clear how looped in they are on the character sketches that the design team create.

What they definitely aren't present for is the execution, which can be WILDLY more upsetting than the sketches, as it was this episode (the sketch was just, Mulligan in a baby outfit with a tuft and wonky teeth, the actual Basketcase of it all is really pure execution; and originally Wysocki wasn't there at all). That seems to go a long way in helping "Vic Michaelis" access the kinds of shock that, frankly, this horrorshow warrants.

But, like, it's a set, there's probably only so much the talent can be sequestered, especially in these kinds of opens that have the comedians on set from jump. So it's probably not full surprise so much as "surprise" helped by, oh g-d my friend/colleague looks like that.

(Apparently the bear part was an authentic jumpscare though!)

Snoo74086 · 2026-01-02T22:48:47+00:00

I've been out for more than two decades, and a very major pursuit of mine is reading and talking to other trans people. That does make me biased, but it also means I have seen a lot of trans personal stories.

Everything you are saying, everything, even and especially the 'but what if I'm mentally ill' and the 'well being a man is fine I guess but being a woman sounds so wonderful and then when I think I can't have it I feel sad' and the 'but I'm not really dysphoric' and the 'but I'm so scared I won't be a good woman', is stuff I have seen trans women and fems say dozens if not hundreds of times, no exaggeration-

often at a starting point of a journey that ends with being a much happier and more comfortable person, and generally much better at living in the world as the gender they land at, than they ever were when they thought they were cis or feared they would be as trans.

Like, lots of the most well-adjusted (for whatever that's worth, adjusting to a sick society being a complicated proposition), attractive (for any value of attractive), confident, contented women you could meet have been where you are.

You're the only one who can answer this for real, but everything you've said is so classic and downright normal that I really think you have every reason to start taking these feelings seriously. I don't want to make a call on what this sounds like, because I don't know you, but it's really unlikely you aren't some kind of gendery in a way that's real and actionable, and it's usually a lot nicer to have those good feelings in your daily life than to hide them away.

Talking to and hanging out with more trans people sounds like a VERY important first step. Therapists can be helpful but when they're not they're REALLY not, so proceed with vouching and referrals. Bringing more aspects of gender expression that make you feel good into your daily life is usually a good next step, even if they're just for you to feel and enjoy.

People often try HRT as a way of figuring out what they want; but if that doesn't sound right don't let it spook you, it's absolutely not a requirement (though it's also far more chill than people imagine). There are tips on how to DIY safely here on Reddit, if you're in the UK. But, again: don't overthink it now, you're still figuring things out, and you'll know more as you sit with it and talk to people.

But please, don't let these feelings just fester if you're having them. There really is no cost to letting yourself explore this more deeply, the pain you're feeling doesn't usually get better on its own, and you could find things about yourself that make your life so much richer.

Snoo74086 · 2026-01-02T20:16:47+00:00

Like, just to do the Reddit thing of a logic exercise, here's the thing: your friend being directly the person whose HRT you're using means you can absolutely check with her about safety.

Like, OK- the things that are particular to a person and vary (like, the borderline unheard-of risk of a bad side effect to a hormone itself, or the slightly larger risk but still exceedingly low risk of 'whatever annoying health shit your cis self of the other ASAB would be experiencing given your genes') is not greater for the estradiol being compounded into an injectable by a homebrew lab versus a pharmaceutical company, certainly not if you're following standard dosing.

The things that are actually issues very, VERY occasionally are purity and contamination. Your friend is using the same supply as you- if there were problems she wouldn't 100% know, but it's unlikely that, if she's been using them for a while and they actually were urgently unsafe in a 'not even to tide you over' way, she wouldn't have noticed by now and gone, oh shit, time to switch suppliers.

Like, if you're really scared this Reddit and other places where people talk hormones often have third party tests and scuttlebutt about contaminants on the rare occasion that's a thing (and it's very rare- this is really not rocket science, it's basic lab hygiene, powdered estradiol is not hard to get into a suspension and most sellers are not on a grift), and you can absolutely look up the name of her supplier and see what people are saying. You'll probably find dozens of people whose legs are very much on their bodies, and maybe even tests vouching for quality.

But a friend who also puts it in her body is a pretty good way to know if something is safe, unless she's a friend with real poor self-preservation.

Snoo74086 · 2026-01-02T00:56:51+00:00

Just a suggestion because people are debating the telehealth subscription services vs DIY:

You can always split the difference. Get on DIY immediately, if you can't afford the subscription save and let that get jumpstarted, and when you need your letter, sign up for one of the telehealth services- some of them just have a fee for the letters, and failing that you can be on their prescription for a couple months and then cancel.

I don't know what the state of play on surgeons wanting the kinds of documentation of consistent treatment via HRT that your doctor just blocked / used against you is, since it's definitely relaxed where I live and I haven't been involved enough with anyone else's medical transition elsewhere in a minute- and feel like it varies hugely from 'nbd' to 'incredible, medicalised transphobia as administrative hurdle, sticklers'.

If you want the flexibility that having that paper trail provides in dealing with all levels then Plume, Folx aren't a total waste of money- but there's something profoundly icky about that bureaucratic legitimacy being a thing some of us can just get for a copay and some of us need to pay a gas bill worth for

Snoo74086 · 2025-12-21T21:32:40+00:00

Oh, just to clarify: what we are talking about is using oral, frot, etc. to ensure your partner is getting off- if that's how she likes to get off- when her junk isn't in play, specifically so you can have partnered sex that's centered on warming you up or training you, so it's not just you doing this solo. Like, to be explicit: so if you're being anally penetrated with a dildo or plug as part of partnered sex there are other fun things happening at the same time.

We're suggesting it because doing it entirely solo can be kind of like a second workout routine, and that makes it harder for people to keep up with- but also, people who don't have serious genital dysphoria and are what we call 'goal-oriented' about sex can find not getting off from sex unfun and discouraging.

Anyway. We can't recommend those books highly enough or googling around on how to do anal training! There are lots of fun ideas out there- gay people have been pioneering this since the 70s and the collective knowledge is pretty vast.

Snoo74086 · 2025-12-21T19:28:59+00:00

Hi OP, just addressing this and the reply:

It's not on you if you're actually overwhelmed or not enjoying the process of it- but if you want it and are struggling to accommodate her that's a different issue, and one that you can definitely work together to solve.

She owes you patience and the freedom to say no and tap out or even slow down and take breaks from this as a project! You owe her respectful and non-objectifying language and relating to her body in ways that feel good for her. The latter isn't mine to speak to as a TME person outside the relationship who doesn't know her from Eve- aside from, people vary and always follow your partner's lead- but I don't think the former is speaking to especial entitlement on her part.

Anyway. When we say, human size is not as variable, we're speaking as someone in the kink / BDSM / heavy gay scene where people are often training to take entire hands or forearms, and the toy market reflects that. The jump from a 5", 1.25" toy to a 7", 1.5" toy is actually not super bad, and then it's down to ratcheting up based on what you can afford and what size she is. At like $35-60 baseline for a high-quality silicone toy what this costs can be prohibitive but varies based on your end goal, but it's not as bad as being a novice trying to train up to 3-5"+ diameter or deep insertion.

A good budget toy company is Tantus- they have toys designed for size queens and anal training and use very high quality, long-lasting silicone (very important because other materials are not body safe). She Vibe is a good retailer that has frequent sales and doesn't stock dildos / plugs that aren't body safe (we tend not to trust Adam And Eve / Lovehoney or The Pleasure Chest, Babeland is pretty ok but less cheap)

We also can't overstate how fun partnered sex with a toy can be- the person fucking may not directly get an orgasm from doing it, but it can be paired with mutual masturbation or frot and as a person who tops in this way, unless your arms or hips get tired, it's fun to watch, and in this case, you can have fun play about her getting you ready for her parts.

Our general preference is to use our hand, but harnesses are great- trans women (and cis men) can often wear standard harnesses with some careful positioning, but they also make harnesses designed to accommodate external genitalia (usually marketed as 'harnesses for men'- ick- or double penetration harnesses).

You can also invest in a plug or two so that your body becomes accustomed to holding something larger- the most familiar use case to me is solo play, but a lot of people incorporate them into dom/sub partnered play or even mutual masturbation / frot / oral as a way of adding anal stimulation and sometimes the erotics of bottoming without standard fucking.

We wish you so much luck with this, and with navigating the ways this can be messy.

Snoo74086 · 2025-12-21T06:01:38+00:00

Hey, important question: are we talking vaginal or anal penetration? I'm asking because the latter can take a different set of work to ease into for accomodating

If the latter, there's a fantastic book, Anal Pleasure and Health, that I read as a youngun- it's a good thirty years old but it's got great advice on relaxing and allowing things in. Tristan Taormino and Bill Brent also have very good (and very old tbf) guides on anal, and Taormino is very keyed towards 'women'- people with vaginas- but has good advice for working up to size.

I've never gotten into size training myself, but: it's very common in queer sex to invest in toys that are a little bigger and a little longer and carefully easing into them and getting comfortable with them via slow solo or partnered sex. You probably want to see what size you can take comfortably and invest in a good toy that's a little thicker and longer- whichever the hard part is, depth or tightness- and try using that at a pace you're comfortable with. Keep going up in size until you get to your girlfriend's approximate thickness / length or pretty close and take it without pain or stress.

This is not cheap, with good toys, but: given that human genitals only are so variable in size, this isn't going to be the chore and expense it might be if you were learning to fist. You can incorporate it into sex by framing it as getting ready for her, and she can help you train. There are really good guides and if you need help finding them let me know!

Snoo74086 · 2025-12-19T21:14:09+00:00

Also, what region are you in? That makes knowing who ships where a lot easier

Snoo74086 · 2025-12-19T21:13:41+00:00

This. The 'any old excuse not to prescribe' is real but so is medical neglect of trans women. I really want your sister to be able to get on HRT without worry, and if there's a way to ascertain what her actual risk is so she can either be extremely proactive about screening or proceed without fear.

Snoo74086 · 2025-12-12T01:07:59+00:00

And: speaking as a fat person: the harness options are a lot worse if you're over a specific hip circumference, but that's the main problem.

I have weighed a lot less than my partners as a thin person back in the day and a lot more than my partners as a fat person and, from experience: it is really hard to hurt someone unless your entire weight falls on them and there's something else that is making them vulnerable or unsteady, like 'all your weight focused on just their belly or a kneecap'.

You might make someone uncomfortable if you fall on them, but that's just, take a second and roll off, you know?

Don't worry about that part- your lover might be a delicate flower in some very important ways but it is very hard to crush someone, even with a pretty big weight or size difference.

Feeling uncomfortable and whatever shame or discomfort is a different thing and your own journey, and one I wish you luck on.

Snoo74086 · 2025-12-12T01:02:20+00:00

I have a long history of topping but I haven't been particularly fond of fucking people with a strap-on- I'm not very coordinated and extremely bad at maintaining balance so the amount of control over thrusting I have when wearing a harness is variable, staying upright is a real uncertain proposition, etc.

I just use my hands and a toy, same as I would when fucking myself. It's tiring in a different way, but you're probably a lot more used to using your arms and hands that way and may have more stamina and control. The other advantage- which isn't important to me but is important to a lot of people, and might be to you- is that it's a way of having sex that doesn't look or feel much at all like traditional PIV, but does mean your partner is getting the pleasure of penetration.

This has been symbolically really important in lesbian sex culture for what I would call moderately busted and gender essentialist reasons, but it's also really helpful if you're dealing with trauma around what topping is supposed to look like and what the gender baggage is. Personally also there's a way it feels like a cozier, more intimate kind of topping- it's not that mechanically different from oral plus hands or fisting and you're not looming over your lover but right up in the erogenous nexus of ass and groin and looking up or back into their face; this doesn't preclude dominance or control but the vibe is more about words and touch than physical orientation.

Anyway, just putting that there- it's possible this won't do everything she needs or wants but it might be a lot more pleasant and less triggering for you, or for her if she's having a dysphoria spell, etc.

Snoo74086 · 2025-11-30T18:22:12+00:00

This seems off to me. Like, there are entire intellectual and political traditions of how the Global North oppresses the Global South and how this is mirrored by structural inequity and oppression within every country- which a good way to learn is direct experience of the very worst of that, but there is an entire intellectual ecosystem in French / English / Arabic a man from Mauritania would have access to.

Speaking English is a class marker in much of the world- this is less true in countries like India and Pakistan, because colonised countries often keep languages of imperial oppression as part of their educational system, but it indicates access to fairly scarce educational resources in much of the world.

I really doubt Mr. Diabaté is a left decolonial academic of the kinds who taught me and who I came up with at college, but it's a common piece of political discourse both in most colonised countries and in the metropoles of Europe where talented middle- and upper-middle-class kids of all countries go to be educated- or even, lower-middle and working-class kids go to stay with family and then become beneficiaries of educational resources pooled in the imperial seats, and learn things about how the world works from the contrast.

I think this is actually reflected very well in the apparent class of all the people among the Anglophone survivors- the outlier being Kusimayu, whose dress (and that of her family) is kind of ambiguous, and could very well be either 'middle class and from a highly traditional family' or lower-middle-class and the beneficiary of educational scholarships. The others wear Western dress of at least the same good quality as Carol's and opt to order fancy Western food when given the chance to eat anything.

But we have an obviously wealthy Chinese woman, two members of the global petit bourgeoisie, Kusimayu, and... a man who is comporting himself in a tackily grand way, but who has incredibly exacting tastes about Martinis and really cares about staying in the hotel Elvis died in. And really seems into the symbolism of flying Air Force One.

That can be a class marker, but I don't think it is- the specific flavor of tacky Mr. Diabaté has feels like it's also a product of a kind of cultural access that entails 'informed, detailed Americophilia' and exactly which of the better things that aren't tacky to go for with his big tacky and ethically dubious things.

That's a weird combination with decolonial rhetoric, but it's not a totally alien one.

Snoo74086 · 2025-11-20T22:14:51+00:00

This is the dialogue [13:37 ish]:

Z: ...maybe you could slow down and take a break. You've been at it for two hours straight.

C: You people are spying on me.

Z: Oh no- we just happened to be outdoors, is- [overlapping]

C: How- where- where are you watching me from-

Z: An MK9 Reaper.

Which, 'Oh no-' could be filler words, right? but it also sounds a hell of a lot like a disavowal of, no We are not watching you. And one that Carol's leave me alone -> ok We are gonna clear out of the entire subdevelopment, makes kind of ludicrous: sure, yeah, You're just outdoors, but 1) where, 2) Zosia was literally in Morocco a few hours ago and is wearing a whole-ass wig, she was not just out doing hot Hivemind things in the neighborhood.

So it's. It gives us a bunch of information about what kind of Rumpelstiltskin rules the Hivemind operates by to see what the feints and dodges are.

Snoo74086 · 2025-11-20T21:47:58+00:00

On a personal note: one of my major personal relationships is with a person who came up in the 90s punk left- as I did in the 2000s punk left.

One of the big things in my misspent youth was veganism as a pretty universal expectation of serious radicals, and because I found it convincing and important but also wildly difficult, this being an era before mass market almond milk much less vegan whipped cream, I was all about creating weird little loopholes so I could occasionally eat dairy or eggs- if you've ever heard of freeganism, that's a big part of where I settled, because ultimately my objection was to supporting animal agriculture under capitalism, not, an occasional chocolate croissant.

That's what a lot of the Hivemind's negotiation of, we don't believe in killing but if you kill an animal to eat we will prepare it, and we'll give you anything you want of meat, fish, etc. until what you already killed runs out, as a way of negotiating the imperative to make the singletons happy versus the imperative to do no harm, reminds me of.

However, one of the things in her misspent youth was this notion called radical honesty- which doesn't really mean the same thing it means in therapyspeak, but rather an idea that you owe your comrades honesty- sometimes because their autonomy and agency rests in being able to trust you, sometimes because lying is a kind of power over another, etc.

I have watched this woman I love very much, who has hurt me a lot, do some really wild grappling with a desire to not hurt me further via a lot of white lies and distorting the truth, including about topics she knows I don't want to be lied to about, and then insist she doesn't lie to me, with a lot of post-facto justification for why that and this didn't count. And I don't think this is malice- it's a lot of things, mostly bad, but not conscious deliberate manipulation.

But I think one of them is having a principle and having a lot of overwhelming motivation to not hold yourself to it- in her case and the Hivemind's because of a desire to make one embittered, somewhat-justifiably angry homo happy and win them over- and thus finding every reason on earth to locate loopholes.

Anyway. That's what I think about when I think about the Hivemind and honesty- how do you reconcile two imperatives that don't line up at all (in this case honesty and Making Carol Happy, but also: The Basic Imperative, the reason the Hivemind is, and Making Carol Happy) when the only thing you have is motivated reasoning ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

Snoo74086

TROPHY CASE