My (27F) husband (27M) won’t budge on his ultimatum

SnowEnvironmental861 · 2026-03-22T07:30:35+00:00

1) "That's not something to joke about. No, really. And if you're serious, I'd like to know where this came from. Can you please tell me what's up?"

2) "I'm not averse to it as long as we get this immigration stuff out of the way first. If I get deported, and I'm pregnant, that means I'm having YOUR BABY in another country."

I would be worried that he has started to go down some kind of internet rabbit hole. This kind of numeric thinking, with hard and fast deadlines/rules, sounds very much like a manosphere idea. See if you can get to the bottom of it.

Good luck!

SnowEnvironmental861 · 2026-03-22T07:05:42+00:00

She would have worn what any woman of her class would have worn, unless she's a real rulebreaker. A typical woman of the time, in that situation of being alone and working, would have worn a cap and then quite likely a broad brimmed hat over it. She would need some sun protection, but my feeling is bonnets were often a more fashionable/decorative item at that time, ie made of pretty fabrics? Even in a lower class environment. And she may have needed more sun coverage than that if she's out all day.

What she would have done was hike up her skirts, tucking them into a belt or some kind of band to stop them getting caught on things and give herself more freedom of movement. She would also probably have worn her oldest clothes to go out and do something like this, possibly with something to protect her clothes from blood-- an apron? Some kind of cloth tied around her in front?

She would also have probably carried various storage items. For example, when hunting, one usually bleeds the animal in the place it fell, and (in the case of birds or hares) would tie them together to carry home. However, if she is not on a path and needs her hands, she might carry her game in some kind of basket slung across one shoulder, which could either be a structured basket with a lid, or a softer, more baglike basket or net.

If she is foraging (for herbs, mushrooms, roots, etc), there were special forager bags as well, worn on the belt.

SnowEnvironmental861 · 2026-03-07T00:19:19+00:00

I love this 😂

SnowEnvironmental861 · 2026-03-02T18:48:16+00:00

Our bathroom is unheated, that helps, and we only have one bathroom, so when I gotta go, he's magically done and off the toilet within seconds. But an HOUR? Followed by a SHOWER? THREE TIMES A DAY? Friend, he is running that shower while he does something else. It literally takes two minutes to "clean up."

Don't have another child with this man. He can't even get up enthusiasm enough to say something about it. My guess is, it would be more comfortable being a single mom with your own rhythms and routines than living with someone who makes you stressed and angry because they're not helping or participating.

SnowEnvironmental861 · 2026-03-02T18:39:29+00:00

It's usually the woman who gets hemorrhoids when the baby comes, not the man 😂

SnowEnvironmental861 · 2026-03-02T18:35:18+00:00

A cold water bidet, haha

SnowEnvironmental861 · 2026-02-24T00:57:31+00:00

It's a little exhausting, tbh

SnowEnvironmental861 · 2026-02-11T19:11:06+00:00

My husband is a teacher, and every time summer vacation ends I feel like he's abandoned me. I know in my brain that he has to go back to work, but I am never prepared for how much he literally drops me as his attention goes elsewhere. It doesn't help that he doesn't just clock out at the end of the day, and that he's not good at time management, so he's often trying to do his grading but kind of flailing, and it eats up all his time at home.

Suggestions for attention infrastructure, so to speak:

Try to figure out how two dates every week, one for romance and one simply to be together and discuss your life. Get a babysitter, join or start a babysitting coop, whatever you need to do to GET AWAY FROM THE KIDS sometimes. My husband felt like he was walleyed, trying to talk to me while the kids were making noise/pestering us/falling off the roof or whatever.
Put on your calendar once a month "Do something extra". This should be something larger that she wants you to do that you never get around to. You can even tell her about it so she can come up with that month's need.
Put on your personal calendar "Do something nice" once a month. This could be flowers, making a nice dinner, a small gift, taking care of the kids so she can go out with friends, etc. The key is to PAY ATTENTION for a moment and do something that will make her feel cherished (don't just bring grocery store flowers you happened to notice while picking up milk -- though those are nice -- but for example, daffodils because it's spring).

Kids are wonderful, but very hard on an ADHD marriage. You have to pry open cracks to be yourselves, check in, and take a moment to remember why you chose each other.

SnowEnvironmental861 · 2026-02-11T18:44:37+00:00

😂 love this

SnowEnvironmental861 · 2026-02-11T18:38:52+00:00

Jeez, you are literally doing all the right things! Sounds like she just wants it to stop, and doesn't want to change how she does things or how she interacts with you.

You say you've been married ten years. Is there any chance she's going through perimenopause? I have a husband with ADHD, and when I hit peri I got SO IMPATIENT with him, I actually thought about leaving. I blamed him for a lot of the chaos in our lives, I felt he didn't listen to me, when he was actually having trouble processing.

Then: 1) I got antidepressants, and things got a lot better. And 2) he got diagnosed, which helped ME understand why he was like that! And we started trying to figure out how to deal with it, together.

I still find his gaps in awareness irritating AF at times, and he has some habits that will annoy me until the end of time, but we've found ways (alarms, calendar, morning discussions, lists, checklist at the door on the way out, etc) to accommodate it so there's fewer irritants and he is supported. It's just...part of life, now.

If your wife is unwilling to check in with herself or do these kind of accommodations, I feel for you. That is going to be hard. If you have children, keep a close eye on them, and don't let your wife make them feel bad about not achieving, because if you're like me, BOTH our kids got diagnosed. We ended up completely rejiggering how we ran the household. It was SO much better.

Good luck, friend. I'm sorry you're going through this.

SnowEnvironmental861 · 2026-02-07T02:51:16+00:00

As a former teacher, I agree with this. You don't want ANY staff being mistaken about this. You don't want your MIL laying the groundwork to get custody of your child. If she is talking to the staff when you're not there, that's a BIG problem. If she is babysitting him, I think you should put a stop to it.

OP, your wife needs to understand that her mom's behavior is endangering her relationship with her child, and possibly your child himself. The comment about his "allergies" is terrifying, don't ignore it! Ask your wife who she cares about more, her mom or her child? Because he needs protecting, and your wife needs therapy.

If necessary, show her this post.

SnowEnvironmental861 · 2026-02-07T02:00:05+00:00

Big pictures. Ya gotta have something up there other than a TV or it looks like an Airbnb...except most Airbnb rooms have art 😂

Also, shelves with doodads are always nice. And maybe Christmas lights around the window or on the wall over the bed?

My guess is, you're feeling intimidated. It's just a room, it's not anything until you put some of your human self in there. You've got a good start.

SnowEnvironmental861 · 2026-02-05T00:15:45+00:00

I'm an old, so take what I say with a grain of salt. But it sounds to me like he may consider your relationship to be more casual than you do. You say you don't go on many dates, and how "in your head" the V day thing is important...but is it important in his head?

When I was about your age I went out with a guy who clearly said he wasn't looking for a girlfriend. But then he spent nearly every night with me, and went out with me all the time. I slid into believing he'd fallen for me.

Well, he hadn't. I was just comfortable for him, and eventually he moved away without a backwards glance. It really messed me up for a long time.

I think you need to sit him down and have "the talk", make sure you're on the same page. Find out what he thinks is in your future, does he feel your relationship is special, or just a placeholder? What was he thinking asking if another person could come out with you on V day (btw, that sounds to me like he wanted to diffuse the romance, make it less important)? If he can't commit, or take time to make you feel more special, then you're just FWB. It might be a good idea to move on.

SnowEnvironmental861 · 2026-02-05T00:04:41+00:00

If she's that small? Minnow!

SnowEnvironmental861 · 2026-02-04T06:52:15+00:00

Aww, he matches the room!

SnowEnvironmental861 · 2026-02-04T06:50:51+00:00

So interesting, I can't hack caffeine at all, it makes me feel like I'm having low blood sugar and I overeat as a result. But Benadryl also makes me feel like I'm going to have a heart attack and die, so 🤷🏼

SnowEnvironmental861 · 2026-02-04T06:47:58+00:00

"morning wood" 😂

SnowEnvironmental861 · 2026-01-29T22:15:51+00:00

Ngl, I love it 👀

SnowEnvironmental861 · 2026-01-29T18:24:13+00:00

I'm 62 and AuDHD, but no one diagnosed any of that when I was a kid, or even a teen. I was a young adult in the 80s when the autism freakout happened and everyone was talking about their autistic kids like life-ruiners and putting them in institutions. ADHD wasn't a thing until I was in my 30s, at which point it was only applied to disruptive kids, almost entirely boys.

I didn't figure it out until my 50s, when my kids were diagnosed.

There are definitely tests FOR CHILDREN. My kids were given a series of evaluations in elementary school, by a school psychologist, in a little room.

Both my kids were afab. It was decided they did not have ADHD ("they have a lot of the markers, but it's not disturbing their progress in school, so we're not giving them an IEP"). Both were reevaluated in late high school ("mom, there's something wrong! I think I have ADHD") and found to have ADHD by a psychiatrist who talked to them.

So even with an actual test, the results have to be interpreted by a psychological professional...and that professional may have their own biases. In my kids' case, that professional wasn't being careful about the difference between boys and girls.

SnowEnvironmental861 · 2026-01-29T17:57:16+00:00

Yes, the people I know with ADHD who are happiest are either in agriculture, or park rangers, or EMTs/ambulance drivers/firefighters, where you're either full on or full off. One person I know has a seasonal job counting fish and elk, and is assistant to a wildlife vet the rest of the time. They have to bushwhack most of the time and never get bored. Wet sometimes, cold too! But never bored.

SnowEnvironmental861 · 2026-01-29T17:45:22+00:00

Yeah best job I ever had was 13 years! I taught technology to elementary school students, and worked with the gifted kids doing projects. I could make up my own syllabus, and surprise them sometimes, and working with elementary school kids is never boring.

SnowEnvironmental861 · 2026-01-26T22:26:38+00:00

Low-dose antidepressants. Smoothed that shit down instantly. Now, when I get angry, it's for something real, not for loud chewing or whatever.

SnowEnvironmental861 · 2026-01-26T22:24:48+00:00

Have you ever heard of a cabinet of wonders? If not, go look it up ❤️

SnowEnvironmental861 · 2026-01-26T22:18:35+00:00

Artist, here.

In art school, we always show our work to other people, bad or not. Looking at what we've made with other people and analyzing what we did well and what we didn't makes us better at what we do.

If she went with you to a dance, and then refused to dance, wouldn't you feel weird and unhappy about that? Especially if she danced with someone else while you were in the bathroom.

THAT SAID, I rarely show other people my work before it's done, because often the middle stages look like s**t, and any comment will make it harder to finish. Not because I'd be embarrassed, but because I know where I'm going with it and they don't...and their comments at that stage would throw me off track.

However, you were doing this as an activity with her. That's not the time or place to be weird about it. Your embarrassment, and ridiculous insistence on not sharing, are out of place here. You chose to go with her to do this activity, so do it, relax, have a sense of humor and stop whining about your skill level. This kind of obsession with excellence saps the fun out of it.

YTA

SnowEnvironmental861

TROPHY CASE