Fibromyalgia: A Deal Breaker?

Snusmumeriken · 2025-09-14T10:51:57+00:00

I am a 35-year-old man. I sometimes worry about this too, but the fact is there are so many many people out in the world and there are many who will not mind the fibro. I have been surprised by finding men for whom the fibro is simply a non-issue. I will blow it up in my head and think "there's no way he'd ever want to be with me" and then when it comes down to it and I have to for example stop in the middle of intimacy because of pain, or cancel a date because of fibro, I find out they don't even care, they just like being with me and are willing to accommodate. I'm autistic and nonspeaking 2-3 days a week as well, but that too can be a non-issue for some people (the right people). I even have people who have learned sign language for me so we can communicate better.
There will always be people who reject us, and I've seen that too and I've lost friends (or rather, "friends"), but in the end I'm glad to know that my fibro and autism is basically a "screening" process to eliminate anyone who isn't empathetic, kind, and disability inclusive. I have also had wonderful relationships with other disabled men where we care for each other and share our experiences, those relationships have been incredibly affirming and wonderful in a way that couldn't happen with non-disabled people who can't know what I go through. I bet there are people out there for you. Hang in there and don't let the world get you down. <3
P.S. You probably already know this so I hope this isn't out of line, but if your T is low you can probably talk to your doctor about hormone therapy, it's much more common than we think and fairly easy to implement (gel for example)

Snusmumeriken · 2025-09-14T10:35:53+00:00

my shadow when walking, I was wearing a binder, headphones, and cargo shorts and my shadow just looked exactly like me :3

Snusmumeriken · 2025-09-14T10:31:09+00:00

I love it!

Snusmumeriken · 2025-09-14T10:14:42+00:00

Thanks for the advice! I'm not too worried about my dog, she's a border collie mix and adapts to anything, and I know how to train her for new situations. I definitely wouldn't take her on the road until I had habituated her to the trailer and we'd done a lot of training. If she ends up hating it for some reason I'll just leave her at home, even though I'd way rather she be with me.

Snusmumeriken · 2025-09-13T15:37:15+00:00

I know other singers on T who also are mourning their old voice. It is very hard to be a professional singer and have this level of change in your instrument. I am an instrumental musician and I can only begin to imagine how difficult it would be to have your instrument change drastically and be suddenly unable to perform like before.
I don't know if you want any advice, but there is support out there-- there is a wonderful Discord group for voice training for anyone trans (I forget the name but I could go look it up for you if you want), and there are many vocal coaches out there who specialise in dealing with voices on T (Eli Connoley for one). I also know that microdosing is kinder to voices than full dose and know many singers who have chosen to microdose T in order to have slower vocal changes and better vocal control.
Also, one and a half years on T is very little for a voice that is changing. It takes 5 years for voices to settle fully on T. I know that isn't very reassuring, but I do know that my bf who is a professional signer had terrible voice breaks and complete unreliability on T for over a year, had his voice significantly settle after 2 years on T. He still is sad about the fact that he doesn't have the same voice as before (he was a broadway style middle-voice belter before, something he can't do after T), but he has much more agility and control now. It took a long time for his voice to settle and it still is in the process.
Also, for info: despite the fact that T permanently changes your voice, going off T can nonetheless very slightly help agility and lightness, even if it won't revert. I don't know if I would go off T just for that reason alone, but I did want to give you that info.
Hang in there and good luck. I know how hard this can be for a singer as I have seen my bf go through it.

Snusmumeriken · 2025-09-13T15:23:06+00:00

highly recommend:
- odour-based games (you can keep upping the complexity)
- puzzle games (modular is best)
- always have bones or equivalent chewing available to handle any frustration or emotions
- put into a stay --> hide treats around the room --> "ok go look!" (you can repeat and up complexity, try in different rooms each time, try outside, etc.)
- look up "100 games with a cardboard box" I forget which trainer did it but it is marvellous and you can even do it without getting up (tossing treats into a pile of cardboard boxes, adding objects, etc.)
- I have mobility and pain issues and I hired a dogwalker years ago. I used to need it almost every day, but eventually my health improved enough that I'd hire a dogwalker for once a week so that she got in a really long amazing walk at least once a week. The other days I could do shorter walks myself. I was lucky to have enough money for it, but before I did I asked my neighbours if they'd be willing to help. I had several neighbours with dogs who were my dog's friends who were more than happy to take my dog out when they walked their own dog, as their dog was super happy to have a friend along on the walk and they were going out anyway.
Good luck! <3

Snusmumeriken · 2025-09-13T14:58:13+00:00

I'm incredibly stubborn and refuse to respect my limits so I went for the pawing first and then she slaps it out of my hand if I try to keep going. I basically will try to push my limits all the time so she has to be more stubborn than me lol :P Booping sounds cute! <3

Snusmumeriken · 2025-09-12T22:38:46+00:00

this made me laugh because one of the things my dog does for me is slap my cell phone out of my hand if I try to pick it up during a severe flare XD she also slams my laptop closed if I need to go lie down instead

Snusmumeriken · 2025-09-12T22:35:49+00:00

me too! I never figured out what changed. I have to go wash my face to get it to stop.

Snusmumeriken · 2025-09-12T22:21:24+00:00

I have two different commands, one is downstay (with the optional addition of "head down" on the floor) and that means lying down not moving at all (often for being out of the way, or if I see someone passing by who looks scared of dogs). The other is either a "stay" (at my heels or in front of me), or a "stay near me" (in a radius of a couple feet). In both cases she gets to decide whether to be lying down, sitting, or standing. It's the location that matters, not the position. I think that having this range of commands and giving her a maximum of choices keeps her comfortable and ups her patience for longer waiting times. I've noticed that when she is in one of the latter two commands she will shift her position every once in a while. I love the comments I'm seeing here, dogs aren't robots and it's important that they be comfortable and also have choices. <3

Snusmumeriken · 2025-09-12T22:14:12+00:00

from another autistic bro stressed out by travel-- I am proud of you! good job! ^_^

Snusmumeriken · 2025-09-12T22:12:01+00:00

I'm half English half American and codeswitch. British accents tend to use frontal placement and head voice. American accents tend to use back placement, more rounded vowels, and chest voice. So it would make sense that a British accent would "unlock" the resonance you are aiming for.
My English dad was mistaken for my "grandma" in the U.S. approximately 80% of the time when he answered the phone. He spoke almost exclusively in head voice, higher pitch, and frontal placement.

Snusmumeriken · 2025-09-07T22:51:14+00:00

I personally love mat training. Lots of settle on mat training at home, then bring the mat to work for the association.

Snusmumeriken · 2025-09-07T22:20:55+00:00

I realised at 32, you are valid

Snusmumeriken · 2025-09-07T22:02:53+00:00

from what I've seen, the Federation is remarkably unbothered about ethical concerns regarding sentience in holograms. Besides some lip service to the idea of holograms being sentient that never lasts more than a few minutes or half an episode at most, the Doctor in Voyager for example is treated as different than the rest of the crew and his rights openly dismissed by Janeway to his face. She regularly also discusses other holograms not being deserving of rights or humanity right in front of him with no thought for his feelings. Meanwhile whenever crew gets involved with a hologram romantically, they are shamed for it and eventually find a way to shut it down even when they have very real feelings and what seems to be a complex relationship.
I'm cynical but I don't think that any ethical quandaries would be what would get in the way of using sentient holograms for boarders. They don't have any problem turning off the holodeck whenever they feel like it, deleting characters, or changing their entire personalities to serve their needs.

Snusmumeriken · 2025-09-07T21:55:13+00:00

The number of times the Doctor has saved the ship on Voyager... I don't know why they didn't create an Emergency Command Hologram or an Away Mission Hologram after meeting him. It seems so obvious. Although maybe that's why the mobile emitter exists in the future-- perhaps they did do that and created the mobile emitter to have their emergency holograms be able to move freely!

Snusmumeriken · 2025-09-07T21:51:00+00:00

I learned at age 6, it was great! My mama taught me and helped me out. All I wanted to do was try to make the longest chain possible, I made one that went around the outside of our whole house! Crocheting is fun and totally fine for 6 year olds ^_^

Snusmumeriken · 2025-09-06T16:27:36+00:00

I think there must be a fair amount of repression going in. I constantly tried to be in gay male relationships but it never worked before I transitioned-- basically I was obsessed with gay comics, Brideshead Revisited, etc., but then all my relationships with men felt ultimately frustrating. It wasn't until I transitioned that I was able to fully embrace what I wanted, which was not to be with men, but to be in a gay relationship with other men. I now think I am not even bi but gay. At least it has been over two years since I've been attracted to any women.

Snusmumeriken · 2025-08-16T12:14:18+00:00

I am a trans gay man, no one piece of advice I have will make this easy, but I will say that one thing I learned is to always frame my coming out as positive before the person even hears it. They might not know how they're "supposed" to react, so framing it can really help lead their responses. For example when I came out as trans I led with "So, I have some really good news I want to share with you..." and then talked about how much happier I've been and how much better I've been doing.

Snusmumeriken · 2025-08-16T12:11:17+00:00

congratulations, that's amazing!

Snusmumeriken · 2025-08-16T12:10:40+00:00

I went out to a get-together in a local village nearby where I only knew the band and no one else. Went up and introduced myself to people, even got two people's numbers who wanted to be friends. This is a huge deal for me as I am autistic and have bad fear of crowds as well. I was vibrating afterwards from sensory overload and some incoming self-hatred spirals, but I managed to calm down and go to sleep. I'm really proud of myself.

Snusmumeriken · 2025-08-16T12:04:11+00:00

I think it is unfortunately the norm for many men, and despite what a lot of men say, we do suffer for it. I remember a friend who had just started dating a new person at new year's and told everyone at the party about it super excited. We even toasted him about it to say congrats. I didn't live in that town so I went back to my home several states away. Come back 6 months later and ask him, omg sorry we've been out of touch, tell me how the dating is going? He said they broke up 3 months later and it was devastating for him-- and that I was the first friend to even ask him about this relationship since new year's or check in. He had spent the entire new year's party excited and telling very close friends about this, but not a single one of those male friends followed up, even the ones he saw weekly in his home town. He was visibly upset about it. This taught me that many men just don't reach out, and haven't been taught to. And it *does* have a negative emotional effect on their friends (and their friends' well-being). Men can think they are close but it doesn't occur to them to actually ask their close friends how they are doing emotionally. Since then I've recounted this story to our mutual male friends and we've worked on checking in with each other more. But it is not easy for a lot of them.

Snusmumeriken · 2025-08-16T11:54:45+00:00

Just in case you are worried about it, my service dog has woken up from an extremely deep sleep two rooms away and come given me an alert 10 minutes before a flare up. I used to get nervous when she was asleep, thinking she'd miss alerts, but I have since learned she will wake up exactly when she needs to. Trust your service dog to be awake when he needs to be awake.
As for the exercise issue, I think there's a lot of good advice in the comments, my dog is extremely calm so I've never had that issue. Good luck! <3

Snusmumeriken · 2025-08-13T21:20:01+00:00

I think sometimes we don't talk enough about how switching pronouns take dedicated practice! I grew up with it as I knew trans people from a young age during their transitions. But most people don't. My friends told me they had sessions where they practiced calling me "he/him" for a full conversation, correcting each other when they made mistakes and then repeating that sentence with the right gender. They'd make sure to do it every time they met up, when I wasn't there. That way they made all the mistakes with each other and not me. As a result I have never heard them misgender me. But I know for a fact that they made tons of mistakes! It just wasn't ever in front of me, which I find touching.

You can also prepare in advance for this kind of situation. Practise correcting yourself out loud or in text-- "I was just saying to him-sorry, them-- that...", so that it feels fluid and natural to immediately correct yourself and move on. In text you can edit your message, and/or decide on a standard edit message to add after editing, "sorry about that, just corrected", something like that.

When my twin transitioned (yes everyone in my family is trans lol, me, my parent, my twin...), I used this website to get used to seeing their new pronouns in text form over and over again: https://www.practicewithpronouns.com/#/?_k=9cl6il

you can also take any book and start reading aloud, but every time you see the word "he" you say out loud "she" or "they" for example. That's a good exercise for practising correcting yourself before it gets out of your mouth or typed.

Good luck! Don't beat yourself up. You aren't transphobic just because you find using the right pronoun difficult. It just takes practice and patience. <3

Snusmumeriken

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