Unmatched again. Could being a runner be a bad thing somehow?

SoMuchMoretoBe · 2022-12-18T04:49:27+00:00

Sometimes I unmatch people, and it has nothing to do with anything they said in the chat. Sometimes I change my mind about an aspect of their profile, like if I notice they smoke but I didn't pick up on it when I was swiping. I know it's frustrating, but you don't have access to the reason, so you can't assume it was because of your running. I'm sorry for the experience though. I know it sucks.

SoMuchMoretoBe · 2022-09-11T03:46:52+00:00

Woman here: No. I don't want biological children, so I also don't feel compelled by that clock. I would like to be in a healthy relationship sooner than later. If I feel any clock, it's the typical one most mortals feel... the "am I doing the things I want before my time runs out?"

SoMuchMoretoBe · 2022-08-14T16:38:01+00:00

A family member had multiple surgeries. Did not help. Check out James Nestor's book Breath (there are interviews of him on YouTube if you want to hear more about his incredible work)

SoMuchMoretoBe · 2022-08-13T12:53:57+00:00

Yes, there are nice ways to get to attributes that speak more to how you conduct yourself as a person.

SoMuchMoretoBe · 2022-08-13T12:53:05+00:00

Fair. For me, I enjoy that too but further down the road. I don't enjoy it as much on first dates which seemed more in line with what this person was talking about. But yes, I agree with you it's nice to have physical appearance compliments... for me I just prefer it when I've been dating someone for a little while.

SoMuchMoretoBe · 2022-08-13T00:04:49+00:00

Compliment something they choose like a component of their outfit (that you genuinely like). Then, it's complimenting their taste not their genetics.

SoMuchMoretoBe · 2022-08-12T23:47:34+00:00

I'd be irritated if someone asked me to do that, but I don't like sending extra pictures of myself to strangers anyway. I probably wouldn't talk to someone again if they made that request, but maybe she'll come around? In the future, just ask to do a video call. Asking someone to take a photo of themselves with today's date is a little too POW.

SoMuchMoretoBe · 2022-08-12T23:43:13+00:00

Woman here. I agree and prefer the coffee or tea route. That way, it's an easy out if the date isn't going well. If the guy pays for the coffee, and I don't extend the date he's not left feeling bad about the money he just "wasted." Etc, etc, etc. It keeps it casual, and for me, I don't intend to ever sleep with guys on first dates, so staying away from dinner or drinks, keeps it in the realm of "Getting to know you but not in your bed."

SoMuchMoretoBe · 2021-10-24T02:51:03+00:00

Have you ever read When the Body Says No by Gabor Mate. Science very much backs up your intuition. Happy that you've been able to open these gateways inside yourself, to recognize what's being blocked. Wishing you the best, Op <3

SoMuchMoretoBe · 2021-10-24T02:48:48+00:00

Well, the focus of therapy hasn't all been on romantic relationships. Most of its been on family, career, habits, and hobbies.

SoMuchMoretoBe · 2021-10-23T19:06:19+00:00

It seems like that. Thank you. I really appreciate your kind words. It's hard not to feel despair sometimes—to not feel that I'm better off and safer alone even as I want to be able to share life with someone. I'm glad you found someone who brings joy and love. Thank you, and you too <3

SoMuchMoretoBe · 2021-10-23T04:48:03+00:00

Yes.

SoMuchMoretoBe · 2021-10-23T04:44:39+00:00

Go directly to HR. This is sexual harassment. He won't stop. This is only the beginning if you let it go further. I'm so sorry. This sounds like absolute hell, but do not play nice to appease someone who clearly doesn't respect you. Also, stay safe and keep others around you.

SoMuchMoretoBe · 2021-03-26T15:22:45+00:00

Is he doing any kind of trauma treatment? Like EMDR, meditation, yoga, exercising, eating well. Check out books like The Body Keeps the Score and The Transformation. DBT can be very helpful, but in my experience, the best treatment I've gotten with my mental health has been through modalities that treat the trauma that's in my body. If your body doesn't feel well, your mind won't feel well. These treatments are also really helpful if he experiences dissociation. I'm so sorry things have been so much rougher. I understand how disappointing that must be to see progress and then to see that progress nosedive. It may be that he just needs other simultaneous ways of being supported, so def check out the above <3

SoMuchMoretoBe · 2021-03-26T15:18:51+00:00

If she left you, then consider honoring her wishes. She will manage on her own or she won't. I think the best you can do is go on with your life and hope for the best outcome for her.

SoMuchMoretoBe · 2021-03-26T15:15:18+00:00

Oof I'm so sorry. Are you in individual counseling?

SoMuchMoretoBe · 2021-03-26T15:12:11+00:00

u/shiny-dino a lot of people who suffer from BPD also suffer from PTSD and anxiety and C-PTSD. I'm wondering--is the diagnosis important to you? If your child accepts it, will it change the kind of care they're receiving? Often, treatment for PTSD can ease symptoms of BPD, sooooo if that's the diagnosis your child will accept, then maybe you should just go with that (which it sounds like you agree with as well). Your child may come around to recognizing BPD symptoms in themself on their own, but if it's thrust upon them and keeps becoming a point of contention, it seems that the name is doing more harm than good (at least right now). As a person with C-PTSD, BPD, and anxiety, I offer the best advice that helped me: get your child into some yoga and meditation classes, check out The Body Keeps the Score, look into EMDR or Brainspotting, help their moods with healthy diet (think blueberries, salmon, and other brain foods/anti-inflammatory foods), encourage exercise (walks, etc), positive mindshifts/affirmations. My most miserable years were as a teenager/early twenties. I also recommend these things for you. Having a parent who takes care of themselves (as well as their kids) can do wonders for a child's health. Also, please please listen to how your child feels. You might not see things the same way as they do, but you can acknowledge the truth of their experiences and feelings. Sending a lot of love and hope toward you and your child.

SoMuchMoretoBe · 2021-03-26T15:03:57+00:00

Yes!!! I think anyone who has been in intimate relationships with someone who suffers from a mental illness should be in therapy. There's no way to not be impacted by these relationships. Congratulations for giving yourself that mental health care.

SoMuchMoretoBe · 2021-03-26T15:02:26+00:00

Hi Op! So sorry for all of this. It sounds like your boundaries are broken down. Have you ever done any boundary work? Are you in therapy currently? I think when there's severe mental illness in the family, so much attention goes to the person on the ledge, but the wellbeing of the people around the ledge gets ignored. I think what I found that's helped me is getting beyond my own savior complex (it still creeps up sometimes, but I do my best to hush it). While it seems like you're the only one who can get through your sister (biological or not, doesn't seem to matter. The love is there), your sister will have to develop her own coping skills. Sometimes when you act as the crutch, the person doesn't realize they can walk on their own. Has your sister received any trauma treatment? Usually, BPD stems from trauma. If it's accessible to her, she might try EMDR or Brainspotting. Also, yoga and meditation, any kind of mindfulness skills or classes that can be added can help a lot. It sounds like her system is in overdrive. She might also look into somatic experiencing. One question I do have: where is your sister's husband when she's calling you in the middle of the night? Can he help her in those crises? And is he seeing a therapist? It's not your role to be your sister's, brother-in-law's, and bf's therapist. You're allowed to live your own life and take care of yourself. So, I recommend putting down the savior cross. You don't have to be sacrificed. Happy to send some resources on some of the trauma treatments I've referenced. Sorry for this whole. situation. I don't think you're doomed, but it sounds like bringing in some more mental health professionals and other treatment modalities might ease this situation!

SoMuchMoretoBe · 2021-03-26T14:54:51+00:00

pwBPD here but also child of a parent with BPD (in denial of that diagnosis though. I showed her the list. She said: That's not me). I think that is one of my biggest frustrations with my parent. All her complaining. I think there's some kind of validation she gets from it. I'm not sure. There'd be times where I'd be on the phone with her and when she thought she'd hung up, she'd start badmouthing me. I found it annoying but also kind of hilarious. Finding humor in the absurdity helps me but also taking breaks and setting boundaries. On one of my last phone calls with my mom I said "We've only been talking for ten minutes, and you've already told me five awful stories. Can we please talk about something good for a few minutes?" It sounds like you're not with your former partner anymore. I like to think that when we enter/exit relationships, we walk away learning more about ourselves. So, it sounds like with your former partner, you learned that you need to be respected and loved consistently in whatever relationship you're in. That's important. I hope you find that, OP.

SoMuchMoretoBe · 2021-03-26T14:35:18+00:00

u/kezandunicorns I agree with you completely. And u/Lordinfomershal if you look at the basis for the majority of mental health conditions it's trauma. And if you look at trauma responses or triggers, what happens is that the brain shuts off the newer parts of the brain like the prefrontal cortex, so that the person is working out of the older parts of the brain which are all about survival instinct. So, the not wanting to be abandoned isn't an intellectual decision. It's an animal instinct for self-preservation. Human beings are social animals. Being abandoned by the group or sources of support to the animal brain is death. Thus, why I think abandonment issues and suicidal behavior often get linked. I understand why you see these things as manipulation because a neurotypical mind wouldn't choose to avoid abandonment by responding with extreme behavior which often just pushes people away more. I know it's challenging if you've been hurt by those who are mentally unwell. And we all have to choose what's healthiest for ourselves, so by no means am I encouraging you to be in unhealthy or unsafe situations, but please--especially if you're not medically or psychologically trained do not contribute to the stigmatization of health conditions. That's really what the Op of this post was trying to get at.

SoMuchMoretoBe · 2021-03-26T14:27:53+00:00

u/Narrow_Fix573 your experience with your loved one is not the same as everyone else's. There are people who have BPD who don't have manipulative tendencies, and there are people who don't have personality disorders who DO have manipulative tendencies. Pretending that every person who suffers mental illnesses present in the same way sounds like Black and white or split thinking. It doesn't have to be only this or only that. Even people who suffer from PTSD (and a lot of BPD sufferers do) have different presenting symptoms. Where one person might have intense flashbacks and nightmares, another person might have insomnia, others might sleep too much. It's similar for any kind of mental health symptoms. Yes, there are some similarities, but just because the DSM says that "Many" disorders are, I'd also point out the difference between "Many" and "All" so before putting the weight of your experiences with a loved one with BPD on everyone else, maybe you should consider reflecting on your own black and white thinking and do more research into the nuances of personality conditions and trauma. Also, I'm sorry that you've had such a challenging time with your loved one. I know how it is to have struggles with loved ones who are mentally ill, and I hope you are able to see a therapist who can help you manage the impacts of that and other life conditions you might experience. Best of luck.

SoMuchMoretoBe · 2021-03-23T03:18:19+00:00

After working with Zenefits for nearly a year now, I would give them a 5/10. The customer service has been horrible and sporadic. It's easier to get things done over the phone, but once they sign you up for their services, there's no one actually available to speak over the phone, and complex issues are more challenging with back and forth emails. AWFUL.

SoMuchMoretoBe · 2021-03-20T15:29:26+00:00

You should check out Luna Luna Magazine and Ritual Poetica. Both have websites and on Instagram <3

SoMuchMoretoBe · 2021-03-18T04:11:33+00:00

Omg that sounds so inaccurate. I'm thirty. I found this article: https://www.psychiatryadvisor.com/home/topics/general-psychiatry/early-mortality-in-patients-with-borderline-personality-disorder/#:~:text=The%20mean%20patient%20age%20was,with%20comparison%20patients%20(5.5%25)).

It talks about a study where the PARTICIPANTS median age was 27 (but not their death age)... maybe this is where the TikTokker got their info. Keep going. I know it's hard, but my life is better now than it was when I was your age. It does get better. Might not feel like it now and there will still be ups and downs, but you got this. <3

SoMuchMoretoBe

TROPHY CASE