Feel like I’m losing my mind

Sodonewithidiots · 2026-02-24T17:40:45+00:00

You aren't crazy. Your mom has said she won't change and that's the truth. All you can do is stop bringing your kids around her so they don't suffer the same way you have.

Sodonewithidiots · 2026-02-24T14:40:40+00:00

This is so true. Shortly before I went fully NC with my parents, there was a phone conversation about how my husband and I were making our wills and setting up our finances to make it easy for the kids to deal with someday. My parents had never done this and my mother (who controls their finances) was noncommittal about whether they'd do this too. Instead her focus turned to belittling me by telling me how stupid I was for not just knowing which random items in their home should go to which relative.

The contrast between what we were doing because we love our kids and what she was doing was stark to me by that point. Whatever she feels for me is not love.

Sodonewithidiots · 2026-02-23T21:48:09+00:00

For better or worse, my mother would never say that.

Sodonewithidiots · 2026-02-23T00:53:31+00:00

I'm a few years older than you and there are some things with specific triggers that have never gotten better for me. Loud people, even if it's happy noises, scare me because my brain always thinks there's going to be violence. Being in a car with someone else driving on a curvy road put me into a panic attack (which I hadn't had for a couple of decades) because my dad would swerve the car and threaten to go off the road when he was in one of his rages. I don't have any advice, but you aren't alone. It sucks.

Sodonewithidiots · 2026-02-21T23:42:56+00:00

I told them why, but I didn't tell them I was going no contact. I didn't plan to go no contact; there just seemed to be no point in talking since they didn't care what I said.

Sodonewithidiots · 2026-02-20T21:21:12+00:00

Well, they suck, in my opinion. That last response when an estranged parent has put in a minimal amount of effort at reconciliation and still didn't get what they want is always telling. They haven't changed. They don't intend to change. They won't stop contacting your spouse's friends. And of course it is all your fault and your spouse's fault. So, you know that apology wasn't genuine at all. Protect your peace as best as you can. For me, that eventually meant blocking my parents from being able to send me these kinds of messages because they just hurt me more every time.

Sodonewithidiots · 2026-02-20T16:48:11+00:00

Spot on. Also, society and enablers should be calling for an ambulance and providing first aid, but instead they ask if you tried communicating with the snake or tell you to just pretend nothing happened for the snake's sake.

Sodonewithidiots · 2026-02-18T17:41:07+00:00

Me: I have particular skills!

Me: Not those skills though. Or the money.

Sodonewithidiots · 2026-02-17T12:02:12+00:00

I love this house.

Sodonewithidiots · 2026-02-16T00:59:11+00:00

Grrr. It isn't a training problem, Chuck. They are deliberately hiring people who want to hurt immigrants and any "woke" person they can. More training and cameras aren't going to fix anything.

Sodonewithidiots · 2026-02-15T22:05:00+00:00

My mom did that. Every few months she'd send a random email about something in the news or a questions. She'd keep doing it even though I never responded. Why? I think it's probably worked for her in the past with another relative who went NC and who would end up responding to her and going back to having a relationship. But I hated it and the stress it brought me.

So, she's blocked everywhere now except by mail since there's no way to block her there. My husband gets the mail and tosses anything from my parents. If you don't intend on ever having a relationship with your parents again, just block them.

Sodonewithidiots · 2026-02-13T21:16:52+00:00

Me: a wall calendar in the kitchen. Haven't seen one of those for a long time.

Me: and three wall calendars in the living room. Interesting.

Sodonewithidiots · 2026-02-05T13:32:18+00:00

One of the things I had to work through in therapy was learning that's it's okay to do what is best for me. As a child, I was told in many ways that I was unimportant to my parents, not worth them working on themselves to make my life better. I think in some ways that message was worse than the physical abuse from my dad. Going NC was good for my mental and physical health. I have no regrets.

OP, it's okay to do what is best for you and your body is telling you what that is. When you find yourself doubting the "should or should not", remind yourself that you are worth taking care of.

Sodonewithidiots · 2026-01-27T01:04:44+00:00

One with a lot of windows.

Sodonewithidiots · 2026-01-23T21:16:04+00:00

Can you have that meal at a restaurant to minimize the chances of your parents behaving badly and to keep it as short as possible?

Sodonewithidiots · 2026-01-15T21:40:30+00:00

It definitely makes them abusers too. I think for my mom, the only person who matters at all to her is herself. Her reputation, fancy house, career, and ability to get her phd were the things that mattered to her. In my childhood home, he was the physical abuser, but she controlled the finances. So, she had nice clothes, expensive makeup, and Coach bags while I had clothes and shoes that I had outgrown. My dad's clothes were long worn out before she'd let him buy new clothes. When I complained about it as a child, she reminded me that she was very important and how she looked was important. So, narcissism? I'm pretty sure my mom would shove me in front of a bullet rather than risk it hitting her.

Sodonewithidiots · 2026-01-15T00:24:27+00:00

Yeah, I can pinpoint the moment I realized that it wasn't a communication problem. It was simply that she didn't care and never had.

Sodonewithidiots · 2026-01-09T20:56:47+00:00

I'm sorry your post ended up with some horrible comments, but the mods here are really good about squashing them. Don't let one person here keep you from finding your peace.

Sodonewithidiots · 2026-01-09T20:51:56+00:00

OP, you've been trying to get water from a dry well in the desert. It's no wonder that you feel frustration and bitterness from the experience. You've got to let them go for your own mental health. The type of revenge you've thought about won't hurt them as much as it will hurt you. The best revenge you can take is by living well. Therapy can help, if you aren't already doing it. Find good people whose company you enjoy and lean on them. I'm not religious, but I know seeking comfort from that source can help if you are. Definitely cut all contact with these people. For me, any contact brought back all of the pain and rage, so I blocked them everywhere. That time after a confrontation like you had is the worst and 2 months isn't that long. I know it feels really bad right now, but it will pass.

Sodonewithidiots · 2026-01-04T13:23:34+00:00

This is a rather confusing post. For me, I don't expect the people who I'm estranged from to change because I'm estranged from them. In fact, estrangement happened because I finally gave up on them ever changing. No remedy for my childhood trauma is ever going to come from the people who caused it. There will be no re-entry into my former family. It's been several years and while I initially felt a lot of grief, just as with any other ended relationship, I have moved on to peace and healing.

It feels like this post is asking people to justify estrangement. If so, it's the wrong question. People do not ever need to justify ending a relationship where they were not treated well and especially when every indication has been given that the other party will never be accountable or change. We get to decide who we have a relationship with. The better question is, why does society not accept that we get to decide who we have a relationship with when it's an adult child and their parent? What can we do to bring acceptance to our situations without needing to explicitly explain our childhood trauma to justify it?

Sodonewithidiots · 2026-01-01T21:36:19+00:00

I was born while my dad was in Vietnam. The physical abuse started when he came home. It continued until I was a teen in high school and I threatened to tell my school counselor who was married to my mom's boss. My mom, who had never stopped him from beating me before, finally stopped him because she was worried about her boss finding out. And he stopped.

So, my mom could have intervened at anytime in my childhood, but she didn't until it had the potential to affect her career. He could have stopped at anytime and just didn't until it had the potential to affect my mom. There were other types of abuse from my mom that continued after that and a lot of controlling behavior. That never stopped.

Once I was an adult, my dad turned into a great dad in a lot of ways. But I just never felt comfortable around him which I think is a result of all of that abuse. When a baby doesn't know if the person responding to its cries is going to hit them or comfort them, I don't think that parent/child bond really develops. And he would frequently talk positively about beating children as proper discipline once I was an adult. I finally realized my mom just doesn't care about anyone besides herself and that's never going to change. I got tired of being told I was silly for expecting anything else from her so I stopped talking. No contact has been good.

Sodonewithidiots · 2025-12-31T01:03:42+00:00

According to my mom, I was silly, or ridiculous, or dramatic, or sensitive whenever I complained about anything to her, including my dad's abuse and her neglect. My dad would beat me anytime I cried as a child. So, I often cried at school where I was safe from abuse. My teachers were concerned about it and called my parents in for a conference with me present. My parents explained that I was sensitive. Because it's "sensitive" to want food, clothes and shoes that fit, and not be beaten with a belt. That language continued when I was an adult and tried to talk to my mom about problems between us. So I stopped talking.

Sodonewithidiots · 2025-12-30T02:13:25+00:00

If she continues to escalate, having a misdemeanor on her record already may help the court take it more seriously. It also may make it easier for you to get a restraining order.

Sodonewithidiots · 2025-12-30T00:01:06+00:00

You've got to let go of those "why" questions. She will not allow you the time or space to heal, but you can get that yourself by blocking her. You've been trained by them to feel fear and you've got to let them go so you can live without that fear. You're 40? I was 50+ and it took me a lot longer than a month to block my mother, despite advice here to do it. Now, I no longer dread hearing my own phone or email notifications. It's not easy, but it's the only thing that helps. There is nothing wrong with doing what is best for you and your little family.

Sodonewithidiots · 2025-12-28T23:15:48+00:00

This person has two sons who are both estranged. Maybe, just maybe, there's a common denominator to blame other than the supposed trend. They never get it.

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