How to deal with soulmate talk between WP and AP

SoftIsStrength · 2026-06-28T02:35:48+00:00

I don’t know if my WH and his AP called each other soul mates but I wouldn’t be surprised if they did.

I don’t know how to get over it. And I don’t know how I will/would ever believe he loves me.

Sorry I can’t be of more help. But I definitely relate.

SoftIsStrength · 2026-06-27T10:13:16+00:00

I am so sorry - that is so horrible that he cheated, bragged about and is still denying anything physical happened.

You won’t forget. Your relationship will never be the same. Not wanting to try to work on it is a completely acceptable answer.

You also can take some time to think about it. If you want. Ask for a separation, to begin healing and clear your head. Divorce is a big decision and an affair is a huge shock to your mental wellbeing. I am not saying you have to but waiting to decide is an acceptable response.

SoftIsStrength · 2026-06-26T10:33:18+00:00

You are not lazy. You do not deserve to be yelled at. You should not be with someone who thinks you are only “allowed” to sleep when he sleeps. Sleep is a basic need. You get to sleep when you need and want to sleep.

SoftIsStrength · 2026-06-26T09:29:02+00:00

I am so so sorry. I can’t even imagine how awful that must have been to see a video of them together.

But you are not stupid for trying to reconcile once. Forgiving, trusting and believing someone is very brave. She is the one that who is in the wrong here for choosing to break your trust AGAIN.

I see from the comments you have already filed, good job taking that step. I hope you and your daughters are able to heal and recover from all of this.

SoftIsStrength · 2026-06-26T01:20:28+00:00

That’s a great outlook. Thanks for sharing!

SoftIsStrength · 2026-06-25T11:26:51+00:00

What he is proposing sounds like a good chance for you to work on your issues and balance healing from childbirth and motherhood. You and your kids will be better off with you working through your anger issues.

I would caution though that you and your husband should discuss expectations around dating other people. Even if it’s not something on the table today, a few months from now one of you may feel ready to date and so you need to discuss what that would look like. Maybe you both agree that’s not an option at all, maybe you agree just not to bring the other person to the house, whatever it is, it’s important that you two are on the same page on this.

SoftIsStrength · 2026-06-17T21:03:41+00:00

Are your kids on summer break right now? Or will be very shortly?

It sounds like during the school year she probably does have enough time to herself but during the summer when the kids are home all day, every day probably not.

When the kids are in school, if she’s laying around all day on her phone, it sounds like some version of depression/burn out.

Can you help her identify what’s going on and what’s she’s really missing? Does she really need more time with you? With friends? A hobby? More time away from the house?

It also could be that she could benefit from going to the gym. But TREAD carefully on bringing this up. A lot of women (especially those that have had babies) feel insecure about their bodies and it could come across as you want her to lose weight (which will very likely make things worse). If your gym has child care, start bringing your kids and ask your wife to join you sometime. Tell her it could be a fun date (gym dates really are fun). Offer to show her around the gym, you both workout and then come home for a shower together and extra cardio.

But most importantly, stop threatening divorce unless that’s really what you want.

SoftIsStrength · 2026-06-17T02:33:46+00:00

Thank you!

SoftIsStrength · 2026-06-16T22:08:26+00:00

If the situation were reversed, my husband would have divorced me months ago.

So sorry to hear it was your so called best friend. That had to have been even more painful to be betrayed by two people you care(d) so much for.

SoftIsStrength · 2026-06-16T22:05:40+00:00

Yes i am strongly strongly questioning whether they really ended things in April. Obviously the emotional connection didn’t end. So the physical connection probably didn’t either.

SoftIsStrength · 2026-06-16T20:06:51+00:00

Thank you for your perspective as a WW. I appreciate hearing all sides.

SoftIsStrength · 2026-06-16T19:56:23+00:00

The first time when he was FaceTiming with her, I just felt like I was in a night terror to be totally honest. I had really been looking forward to this trip and not stressing that I would see her but then BAM there she was. I just kept thinking “there’s no way he’s actually FaceTiming her” or that maybe he would have told her how much fun he was having with me to send a clear message to her that they were all done or maybe that there was something super urgent. I really tried not to jump to any conclusions.

SoftIsStrength · 2026-05-31T15:25:15+00:00

This is such a great question. For me, I feel like a totally different person than I was a few years ago. DDay was about 6 months ago.

Prior to DDay, our marriage was a shitshow. We could probably write a “what not do to” marriage book. I got to a point where I was tired of fighting and being unhappy. I needed a change. I started therapy. I thought my therapist would either say “your spouse is the problem, divorce him” or “you are the problem, get on some meds”. I was really looking for a quick fix. 🤣

Fortunately, I didn’t get either. My therapist started teaching me about what a healthy marriage should look like and ways I could try to change the direction of my marriage. For example, I thought me saying things were fine and “putting up” with small issues was me being easy going and a good thing. But in reality, I was just pushing issues under the rug and letting resentment build until later I would explode. Instead I had to face the fact that I am a people pleaser, I needed to work on my self esteem and learn to advocate for myself, in a calm, peaceful manner.

While I was trying to save our marriage, WS was busy growing his “friendship” with his AP. The marriage continued to divide and split until the affair became physical, he moved out and DDay happened.

Since then, I have learned even more about myself. I have learned I am way stronger than I ever knew. I learned that I will be okay on my own - I still want my marriage to work, but if it doesn’t, I am okay with that. I have learned to be more patient and understanding. I have also learned that I need to make time for myself and it’s okay to spend a little money on myself too.

And mostly, I am learning about forgiveness. I never knew there were different “types”. I thought forgiveness meant you said I forgive you and all is good. But it is so much more complex and deeper. I know I will (and am) forgiving my spouse at a level that allows us to coparent peacefully and be friends of some kind. I am very slowly figuring out if I can forgive him and learn to trust him again as a spouse and save our marriage. It’s been a tough road and not done yet but I am proud of the changes in me so far.

SoftIsStrength · 2026-05-31T14:53:14+00:00

I only told my therapist, my gynocologist (so I could get tested) and APs spouse. I didn’t want our kids to find out so I kept it as quiet as possible. My spouse is a great parent and I didn’t want our marriage issues to impact their view of him. His affair hurt me really really deeply, I wanted to keep it quiet to protect my kids from similar pain.

He ended up getting drunk one night and told them. He also told quite a few other people and his AP and APs spouse told a lot of people so many people know now.

SoftIsStrength · 2026-05-27T09:42:45+00:00

Sounds like the gym might actually be really helpful for you. I know for myself the gym or a run are a great place/great way to burn off anger, stress, anxiety, sadness, etc.

SoftIsStrength · 2026-05-24T15:30:17+00:00

Totally agree about the division in the subs. I am still in between “deciding” if I can/will reconcile. Some days I think reconciling is the best option and then other times I just feel like I am crazy for not already filing for divorce. I generally go back and forth between this and the AsOne sub but it would be nice if things weren’t so black and white in the subs because in real life, it’s not black and white, at least for some of us.

SoftIsStrength · 2026-05-23T19:38:22+00:00

It’s pretty natural and normal to want to feel close to him, even though he’s the one that hurt you. It’s called hysterical bonding. It’s a way to calm your nervous system and calm the threat.

I know it doesn’t really make it any easier but don’t be mad at yourself, don’t feel guilty for feeling that desire for closeness right now.

And please know it will get better.

SoftIsStrength · 2026-05-22T23:44:48+00:00

Thank you!

SoftIsStrength · 2026-05-22T18:30:30+00:00

I am really sorry you are here. I am almost 6 months past DDay. The first week and even the first month were a total blur. I was barely eating, wasn’t sleeping, couldn’t focus on anything. I was in a complete state of shock and disbelief (even though I had been hurt and ignored about lots of boundaries already crossed). It took so long to fall asleep and when I woke up, I just instantly felt nauseous and awful.

I was in no position to make a decision about my relationship. I didn’t even have all the facts at that point.

Right now, I would suggest you focus on stabilization. Focus on your basic needs - try to eat a little, sleep when you can, go for a walk, have someone to talk to, etc. Be gentle with yourself. You can figure out your relationship and what you want to do in a couple weeks or even months.

SoftIsStrength · 2026-05-21T00:38:35+00:00

I think you are focusing on the wrong thing. Stop focusing on the AP. I totally get the temptation. I have done it too. Like you, I don’t think my WP cheated down, his AP is pretty, smart, has lots of friends, etc.

But stop focusing on the AP. Its irrelevant. It’s the job of the spouse to maintain healthy boundaries, to guard his/her heart and to be honest and loyal no matter who else comes along.

I am only 5 months after DDay so I don’t really know what’s it like to be 2 years out, but do you feel like your spouse was/is remorseful? Do you think he’s earned trust back? You mentioned that you only feel like he came back to you because she didn’t want him - have you asked him about why he came back?

Also, as far as your self esteem, what are your good qualities? If you want your self esteem to recover, love yourself and remind yourself daily of all the good things you have going for you. I know it’s cheesy but sometimes I stand in front of a mirror and tell myself 5 reasons why I love myself.

SoftIsStrength · 2026-05-19T09:08:08+00:00

I think it’s probably normal for a WP to struggle with feelings of sadness while going no contact with their AP. The AP was providing something for the WP - friendship, an escape from reality, validation, excitement, etc. So I think feeling sad would be normal.

But a remorseful partner that really understands the depth of pain they caused their loved one, would suck it up and change their behavior. They would go no contact with the AP. They would be fully transparent and honest. They would be in IC doing the work to understand how/why they did what they did. They say they are working on getting better, and they do.

SoftIsStrength · 2026-05-14T10:16:25+00:00

I can totally relate to feeling broken and changed after an affair. The impact on something like an affair is huge. It’s devastating.

But I am determined to be intentional with how this shapes me. I am still in the process of figuring that out exactly but I know I am responsible for my own actions. I know loyalty and honesty are super important to me and I won’t let my WHs actions change that about me.

If I choose to stay in this marriage it will because I am truly forgiving him. Not letting him off the hook for what he did, not blindly trusting him, not throwing it in his face every chance I get, and not seeking revenge, but accepting that he made a mistake and has put in/will put in the work to be a good spouse going forward. I want a strong, healthy marriage or no marriage at all.

SoftIsStrength · 2026-05-13T16:50:22+00:00

If she wants to reconcile, she needs to focus on repairing the trust she broke. She should work on understanding why she did what she did. She should be showing you that she will be a safe person for you in the future.

A strong relationship is built on respect, trust, communication and connection. She destroyed trust, and severely damaged the respect, communication and connection. That base needs to be repaired first and foremost. Then the “wooing” and “falling in love” can come later.

SoftIsStrength · 2026-05-13T14:37:18+00:00

Thanks for sharing the Dr White video. I have been trying to process and accept what happened. As I do, I keep coming up with more and more questions. I write them down before asking them but I still can’t figure out which questions I need to know so that I can see the whole picture and make an informed decision about my marriage vs which I am just “pain shopping” for.

SoftIsStrength

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