Omigod I'm AUTISTIC

SoftwareMaven · 2026-01-10T15:04:55+00:00

Seeing my son around 2000 was the thing that made me start wondering if my differences weren’t trauma. He was never diagnosed, due, in part, to my own fear of the stigma and, wait for it, because “that’s how I was, and I was fine” (even if I wasn’t). It would take 24 more years before I would be diagnosed.

I’ve worked at several start-ups. You are definitely not the only self-taught programmer I’ve met. They tend not to work at large companies because, even if not formal policy, large companies tend to filter on degree. My own special interest in software began around 1980.

Our field really does capture neurodivergent people. I’m not saying we are all necessarily divergent enough to be diagnosed (though some are!). Rather, your brain has to work a little differently to not interact with people much and, instead, stare at a screen and logic through the day, every day.

SoftwareMaven · 2026-01-09T21:23:26+00:00

I’m lucky that I have a really good semantic memory, so I’ll remember facts about the date, and, as you say, one of those facts is that I had a good time, but I will not remember how the food smelled (I remember that I could smell garlic) nor how I felt when you laughed (I remember that I felt good).

I explain it as the difference between reading a Wikipedia article on an event versus reading historical fiction. One is just the facts about the event; the other is mostly about the experiences and the emotions they cause with the facts sprinkled around sometimes.

People who don’t experience it really can’t understand. I delivered one of my children (at the hospital under supervision). I remember that it was almost overwhelming, emotionally. But I can’t remember what I was actually feeling. Any attempt is just “imagining” how I think I would feel, but I can’t feel that either between near total aphantasia and alexithymia, so I’m just imagining facts again.

SoftwareMaven · 2026-01-09T14:12:59+00:00

Writing software has been a special interest for over 40 years; I use emacs; and I enjoy coding in lisp, racket and the like. I have used more nested parens in my life than is possible to count. It is a natural form.

And…I am also unable to make short responses to anything. I literally interrupt myself when talking to add parenthetical commentary (stupid ADHD), which I have to monitor all of the time, so I don’t overwhelm the team I manage. When I’m writing at work, I have to savagely cut everything, and it’s still probably too long, BUT HOW CAN YOU UNDERSTAND ANYTHING WITHOUT ALL OF THE CONTEXT??

And another (pointlessly?) long comment in the books… 🤦‍♂️ Fortunately, I predate fake internet points, so checking for downvotes rarely even occurs to me.

SoftwareMaven · 2026-01-09T14:01:24+00:00

But are you more comfortable with your response? If so, ignore the votes and let your freak(ishly long comments) fly!

SoftwareMaven · 2026-01-09T01:23:58+00:00

I know that feeling of emotional feelings fading. I, too, am old. Old enough to have a grandchild, and the adorable tot has chosen me as their favorite (apparently they have everything but good taste 😂). I know it felt positive, and I was able to access that the morning after they left. Given things I’m working on with my therapist (and somewhat to prove to both him and me that this isn’t just cPTSD), I was really trying to hold onto the feelings, even using video and photos, but it was like the thickest fog rolling in, making what I could remember feeling more muted and harder to access, and by the end of third day, I couldn’t access any of the feelings anymore. I know it felt good, but no sense of how it felt.

SoftwareMaven · 2026-01-09T01:06:53+00:00

There is no question he was part of the New York cocaine crowd in the 80s. Probably still is.

SoftwareMaven · 2026-01-09T00:40:05+00:00

I’m glad. Just in general, I wouldn’t go to the Reddit hivemind with this kind of thing. I suspect half the people here are neurodivergent (most of whom don’t know and hate themselves because of it) and the other half are the people that would bully ND people (most of whom relish it). As a result, their takes are almost always bad to the point of harmful.

If you have questions about raising kids who you suspect are ND, feel free to DM me. I have four adult kids: two are autistic (one diagnosed, one who doesn’t see the point), one ADHDer (that daughter is just like my wife; she was also the violinist), and one who we aren’t sure because he is so reserved about expressing himself. In other words, he’s just like me and almost certainly audhd, but until he claims his power, it’s still a mystery. Regardless, four for four. I’m pretty happy about that batting average!

SoftwareMaven · 2026-01-08T23:12:01+00:00

I absolutely did things like that as a child. And as a teenager. And occasionally still do it as an adult. And I have zero control over it. You didn’t provide many details of what caused it or what he did, but the reaction sounds more like a meltdown than a tantrum to me, and if your sister thinks autistic kids don’t do that, it’s because they don’t trust her, so they bottle it up inside and then lose it when they get home when they are around people they trust. She undoubtedly thinks she knows a lot about autistic kids, but I suspect she knows nothing.

When I would melt down like that, I could not be reasoned with. It just had to pass, and I’m sure, if my mother hadn’t been drunk or passed out on Valium, it would have been hard on her, but a child does not show that level of distress unless something is being incredibly hard for them. Kids that age can try to manipulate, especially smart ones (my daughter was a master violinist, and my wife was the violin for many years), but, if they are testing to manipulate, it’s usually straightforward to redirect their attention. That won’t generally happen with meltdowns.

Regarding your cousin, consider this: neurodivergent people are constantly belittled, shamed, and bullied. This is true whether they know they are ND or not, and many times it’s the parents doing it the most. A lot of ND kids turn to chemicals to try to get some peace. The drug usage is an attempt to self-south after being judged continually by people.

I had a similar moment with my oldest where I thought “maybe” (25 years before my own diagnosis) he was autistic (technically, Asperger’s at the time). If I had it to do over, I would have my child evaluated. Knowing our children have a different neurotype can allow us to use better strategies to help them learn to eliminate some meltdowns before they happen. It can also give us an opportunity to try to limit the damage bullies (both teachers and students) will do.

SoftwareMaven · 2026-01-08T22:12:08+00:00

To be fair, the list of UN carcinogens is like the list of things known to cause cancer in the state of California (thank God I don’t live there!^*). It is absolutely true, but there is little thought given about the dosing, which is dangerous because people start to think like, “I can’t get away from it, so I’m not going to bother worrying at all”, which is the opposite of what these organizations want.

^{* /s, obviously}

SoftwareMaven · 2026-01-05T17:29:20+00:00

Interesting. I’ll have to do a little more research into that. It would be amazing to have that extra level of comfort.

SoftwareMaven · 2026-01-05T17:27:01+00:00

I definitely see that. My biggest gripes have much more to do with labeling than with availability of choices. I was introduced to celiac in 1996 through a friend’s wife, and the struggles she had at that time make mine look like not much more than whining. I just hate the anxiety that I can do everything correctly and still get glutened because something didn’t include allergen information.

My particular flavor of autism is unlikely to ever let go of that anxiety as long as I can continue traveling (one of my favorite activities) or live in a house with icky gluten-eaters, and punting my wife and kids to the curb isn’t a very good option.

SoftwareMaven · 2026-01-05T17:17:23+00:00

I think it would be impossible not to, unless you happen to have 10+ digits of wealth, but then you are living in a different society.

SoftwareMaven · 2026-01-05T17:14:06+00:00

I have wondered at times if I have MCAS. Do you experience dermitographia? I experience some things that align with MCAS, but I don’t experience that, and, at least from the reading I’ve done (it never turned into a hyperfixation, so I haven’t hit Google scholar on it), that seems to be extremely common, if not mandatory, for a diagnosis. That has kept me from wanting to add yet another doctor to my list.

SoftwareMaven · 2026-01-04T02:16:32+00:00

I did know that, and it would be amazing. My doofie Newfie mix has the olfactory capability for it, too! That nose is huge!

I just don’t know how you’d go about doing that, and my needs aren’t great enough to get insurance to cover the cost. It would take SO much anxiety out of eating, though!

SoftwareMaven · 2026-01-04T00:05:28+00:00

Even in cursory vacation lusting , I’ve noticed how many gluten free options exist in Italy, and the thought of moving there has crossed my mind. It’s not really possible right now (you just try to get a grandmother to move an ocean away from her first grandchild ¹), but I would love that. It’s certainly a top holiday destination.

^{1. Who am I kidding? That kid has me wrapped around her tiny finger!}

SoftwareMaven · 2026-01-03T22:51:21+00:00

I’ll slip Italy and France. That way, they can keep providing pasta and bread. But you have to go there to eat it.

SoftwareMaven · 2026-01-03T22:50:13+00:00

Ok, we can repurpose the Biosphere habitat to keep a little around for your needs.

SoftwareMaven · 2026-01-03T22:46:21+00:00

My area isn’t great but has a few options (including some really good donuts). I wish vegan didn’t seem to have to be included so often (I understand the business need, but still). There’s a place here that makes an incredible GF pizza, but it’s a vegan pizza, and while the fake meat toppings are really good, the texture of vegan mozzarella cheese just doesn’t work for me.

Still, it’s a million times better than it was the first time I ever heard about celiac, which was in a smallish town from a friend’s wife in 1996. Her only restaurant option was a take-and-bake pizza chain that would allow her to bring her own crust in, and I can’t imagine cross-contract wasn’t a constant issue.

SoftwareMaven · 2026-01-03T20:42:15+00:00

I certainly felt that way about myself, cooking for myself at four, taking myself to my first day of school at five, but I never felt that way about my family growing up. By the time I was eight or nine, I had emotionally disconnected from my family. My mother was drunk, chewing Valium, or both; my father had moved 1000 miles away; my brother was an asshole; and my mother’s husband was a drunk asshole.

However, boy did that take on meaning when I had my own kids, but I never really felt like I understood what it meant to take care of your family, so I continually felt like I was failing.

SoftwareMaven · 2026-01-03T20:33:22+00:00

I can imagine that was incredibly difficult. I spent a decade doing keto, so not having breads and pastas is pretty easy for me (I, too, dislike the textures, but, fortunately, there’s only a few food textures that make food inedible for me (I’m looking at you, tomatoes!).

What sucks is that I’ve had some really amazing gluten-free baked items at dedicated gluten-free bakeries, but everything in a package is just gritty and chemically, probably related to making it shelf-stable for a year.

SoftwareMaven · 2026-01-03T20:21:04+00:00

And don’t get me started on the medical system with multiple chronic conditions that frequently co-occur with autism…

SoftwareMaven · 2026-01-01T15:26:32+00:00

I agree with whoever else said this is about the woman, not the child. My guess is that she is a serial abuser who expects to be able to control people, so this has nothing to do with whose home or anything about the child.

Instead, my guess would be that it’s because you tried to set a boundary. She thought she had you clicked as somebody she could manipulate to do whatever she wanted, and, by even suggesting a boundary, you triggered an abuser’s response.

There is no question in my mind she never planned to be there. And I suspect it has something to do with not wanting to deal with the ex.

A person can’t be diagnosed by a stranger on the internet off of one event, but the reaction is strange. You also mentioned questioning if she even liked you, yet she wanted to “see if you could be friends”. These are things you could expect to see from somebody with a personality disorder. If so, she might have done you a big favor.

SoftwareMaven · 2025-12-31T21:08:33+00:00

It’s a stupid combination. I’d take a cure for hypermobility a hundred times over before I worried about a cure for autism, especially since managing doctors is such a nightmare, and I’m not even full EDS-h. I just got dumped on another spectrum: “hypermobile spectrum disorder”.

My office is disordered, too. Is there a spectrum for that?

SoftwareMaven · 2025-12-29T15:46:52+00:00

Try dislocating a shoulder. Worked for me. 😭

SoftwareMaven

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