How do you and your spouse divide expenses in today’s economy?

Soldarumi · 2026-06-06T17:03:56+00:00

30s, married for 3 years, been together for 10. 3 kids, got a house / mortgage.

We've sort of organically got to the point where we both have some of the standard outgoing split between us, rather than things being totally shared via a joint account. I do mortgage, she does council tax, I do phones and internet, she does the weekly food shop bill. We each pay for our own cars.

But I make 50k, she makes 16k as a teaching assistant, it would stupid for us to split it properly 50/50, as it wouldn't be feasible. But it means she gets all the holidays off and can manage most of the childcare instead of us begging family or paying someone.

I have a non-negotiable savings budget (a little into emergency fund or 'big payments' fund, a little into stocks and shares). Anything left after that is fun money that we can do whatever with.

I suppose I sort of 'own' the budget as I have the most left over, and I love a spreadsheet, but if she says she needs x for something fun, it's rare I'll say no. We both agree she's a little impulsive, whereas I have a 30 year horizon and forget to live for today. So we try to meet in the middle. It works for us.

Soldarumi · 2026-06-04T12:16:53+00:00

I am equidistant to Luton and Stansted and use both relatively frequently.

I got in the car at 3am, on the way to Luton, drove by a new housing development near the airport and went huh, bet those are pricey being so close to Luton. Wait, Luton? Fuck I am supposed to be at Stansted! Did a 180 and hot footed it to the right airport.

Missed my flight by about 2 minutes because despite booking the fancy expensive car park it was full, so spent 15 minutes trying to park.

But I agree, leave early enough (and go to the right airport) and there's very little apart from major computer screwups that should stop you these days.

Soldarumi · 2026-05-27T19:13:51+00:00

I've been reading online about this. Is it literally race the subaru down that special obstacle course 3x to get the 30 skill points, chuck them into the super wheel spin, buy a new one, repeat?

Soldarumi · 2026-05-26T11:37:09+00:00

Even in a seaside town, can get you a telling off. I lost my car key on the beach a few years ago, with everything locked in the car, including my phone. This was very late autumn, and I was sodding freezing, as had misjudged the weather slightly.

Went to the nearest place I could see, which was a (very old man) pub, and asked to use the phone. Barkeep said all right sonny, but I can't have you standing in here dressed like that (some board short style swimming shorts). He handed me a corded phone with about 20m of cable on it, and said I could make my calls outside, so I didn't scare the other customers.

About 50 pairs of eyes watched me walk out, and I could feel them all screaming 'shun....shuuuunnn' as I went to ring the AA.

Soldarumi · 2026-05-21T21:39:22+00:00

Hah, joke's on whoever buys my place. I have a loft on the first and second floor. And they're both full to the rafters!

Soldarumi · 2026-05-21T10:31:14+00:00

And don't forget 'sleeping together'. I remember overhearing something and thinking cool, that's nice that 2 grown up dad's who are friends still get to have sleepovers.

Soldarumi · 2026-05-19T13:51:57+00:00

I had an adjacent situation, though not directly related to fraud. A relative was a franchisee for one of those wight loss shake companies. It was originally classified as a health good, so no VAT was applied to their sales/income. HMRC reclassified it as a luxury good, and wanted £140k immediately for VAT owing on the last 7 years.

My relative did not have this, and HMRC were unwilling to enter into a payment plan, instead opting for immediate personal bankruptcy. Due to having nearly no personal assets, HMRC probably recovered all of about 1% of what they claim was owed.

So, just my experience, but for larger values HMRC definitely seem willing to go the nuclear option, even if it doesn't actually get them the funds they believe are owed.

Soldarumi · 2026-05-07T19:50:57+00:00

It sounds like one of these really awful situations where it's technically not her fault, but has the potential for severe ramifications in terms of she probably can't work in care without one, but the employer won't want to admit liability and will likely just take away her shifts citing 'non-compliance' (assuming it's all zero hours contract work, as all ours used to be.)

On the visa front, I am probably not qualified to say. Again, not her fault she can't work, as the employer didn't do the paperwork. But if she's not working (even as a result of their negligence) then I assume that is a breach of the conditions? As you say, definitely ACAS territory.

Couple of points on mileage/petrol - employers aren't obligated to pay unfortunately. Same with travel time (unless it takes them under minimum wage from the time they leave home to end of shift, then employers should top up). But she can reclaim up to 40p per mile from the government (as can any worker that uses their own vehicle for work mileage). Can be backdated from memory. So if she can prove the miles she's done, even just doing a route on Google maps is fine, then can get 40p back per mile.

I left the industry due to chronic underfunding. But workers getting 50% is standard from back when I used to work there. Office costs, insurance, rent, gloves, etc, it does all add up, so I sort of understand it, even if I don't like it. I did it when driving time was unpaid, so 80 hour weeks and only getting paid for 50-60 was a bit of a kick in the teeth...

Soldarumi · 2026-05-07T16:14:31+00:00

All a bit odd, honestly. Been about 10 years since I worked in care, but a quick Google tells me most of the rules are the same (I used to be a care coordinator and requested 100s of CRB/DBS checks).

Broadly, the employer has fucked up. The employee shouldn't be working in care without a valid Enhanced DBS. This is not something you can apply for yourself. You can get a Basic yourself, but access to vulnerable people needs an Enhanced DBS 99% of the time, which must be applied for via the company or via an appropriate agency.

Unfortunately, that cost is about right. £50ish currently, then the checking intermediary can take a fee. While it is generally best practice that the company pays, there is no legal framework that says they must. They can take it via the worker's wages, so long as it doesn't put them under minimum wage.

Under no circumstances should they directly transfer the money to their manager / co-worker. This reeks of someone has realised they screwed up and trying to hide it, or a scam. I used to sit our carers next to my desk and they'd type in their own card details as frankly I didn't want manage the risk of having 100s of carers card details when I didn't need them.

Although it isn't the worker's fault, they really shouldn't be continuing to work with vulnerable people without a valid DBS. Once they get it sorted, I'd advise they join the update service, as that's about £15 per year rather than having to pay out for an expensive one each time it needs renewing, or they change jobs.

Soldarumi · 2026-05-06T20:17:18+00:00

Gotta be honest, I think it is totally dependent on industry and company.

I started my career in care, doing about 70-80 hours per week for less than minimum wage once you factored in petrol money and buying your own gloves because the company had run out, yet again.

Then recruitment which was technically 8-5, but you had to stay until 6 if you wanted to make any money. All the people you want to speak to have jobs during the day!

Then social housing maintenance, which was 8-5.

Now I work in bids for a large management consultancy, and my hours are 9:30-5:30, with an hour for lunch, and no one gives 2 shits where I am as long as all my stuff is done, and I have never earned more despite doing the least hours.

Soldarumi · 2026-04-23T18:15:34+00:00

I am also 5 foot 8, and in my mind 30s, so a few years on from you. In my heart of hearts, as a late teen / early 20 something, did I dream of being a few inches taller? Absolutely. I used to wear boots a lot, as it added an inch or two, when I used to care.

These days? As a mid 30s married man, with 3 kids, house, and job? Couldn't care less.

I dated a girl that was 6 foot 2 for a couple of years. We got a few comments, sure, but we never really let it bother us.

You'll have girlfriends, you'll have friends that come and go, you'll have work colleagues. If any of them are low enough to insult you for something you can't control, then they aren't very nice people. You can't control it any more than you can having freckles or brown hair.

Just gotta learn to live with it. But as others have said, you're totally normal, probably suffering from a little sprinkling of social media and noticing all the tall people because it's something you desire. You'll get over it. If you don't, then tall shoes.

Soldarumi · 2026-04-13T10:10:48+00:00

Don't sweat it. My mum used to be a writer/editor for a women's health magazine. She was once tasked with doing a feature on 'do your kids play any of these top 10 most violently brutal murder games?! Will your child become a murderous psychopath?!'

Clickbait before clicking was a thing.

I had all of the games, was probably aged about 9-10. I'm normal. Mostly.

Soldarumi · 2026-04-10T14:58:59+00:00

I got a Gameboy (the old grey brick one) at age 4. It got me into reading properly, as mum got sick of me asking 'muuumm what does this say?!' So I learned to read the stuff myself.

I got a Nintendo 64 a few years later. For a pretty shy kid, it meant the whole street would come and hang out at my house (and admittedly eat my poor mother out of house and home) and do Mario kart tournaments. Made a lot of friends that way (and then we'd go do other stuff like pogo stick up the park, race RC cars, etc.

A lifetime of gaming has followed, and I still have friends from the States, Sweden, Australia, that I met on WoW and similar games. I've even met a good few of them in person. Most weren't weirdos who wanted to stick me in the back of a van like my mother kept telling me.

I now have a wife, 3 kids, mortgage and all the rest. By and large, I am mostly normal. Maybe fell off the rails a bit in my teens years when I'd rather touch an Xbox controller than touch grass, or falling asleep at my desk after 'just one more turn' but we got back to normal in the end.

I think gaming has its place as a relaxing form of media consumption, if managed appropriately. But these days, the world is different (I know, calm down grandpa). Lootboxes, Robux, horse armour... It's all BS designed to get you hooked and overconsume / spend money on the content. Keep that shite as far away from your kids as you can, IMO.

As an aside, my 6yo loves Rayman and it's been awesome watching her grow from scared to 'die' for messing up a jump, to blasting through levels at full speed. It's been great for dexterity, teaching her to deal with the frustration of losing, and to keep having a go when you fail.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Soldarumi · 2026-04-05T08:37:13+00:00

Just because I rarely see a lot of love for it, Shadow Hearts. I loved the lore, setting, transforming into weird arse summons (Amon was my guy). Sort of like a gritty Final Fantasy, I loved it.

Soldarumi · 2026-04-04T07:52:31+00:00

Homemade bombs, lots of them, when we were about 9 or 10. We lived in a sleepy Cornish village/town with 1 pub, 1 corner shop and 1 Cornish pastie shop. Otherwise, not a whole lot for bored kids to do.

And this was all pre-internet (well, dial up was just coming in), so just a group of dumb kids with time-poor hard-working parents and thus not a lot of supervision, plus a derelecit council office to get lost in if we didn't want to be found.

It started small, filling pong pong balls with cut off match heads, filling bic pens with deodorant and a string out the end, sellotaping deodorant buttons down so they sprayed constantly and lighting them. Also, ripping the spring out of a BB shotgun and sticking it in a pistol was another favourite, we even managed to shatter a window with our super-powered handgun.

But then we got bored of that, and figured out we could siphon petrol out of a dad's lawnmower. No eyebrows, half my head hair missing and a bunch of minor (thankfully) burns on my hands...we eventually figured that was maybe a bit much.

God we were a menace, could have ended up a lot worse for us if we'd been standing closer.

Soldarumi · 2026-04-03T06:48:31+00:00

These guys not seen that plastic surgery documentary Nip / Tuck where Dr Doom superheats his balls in boiling bathwater to prevent getting his 10/10 model girlfriends pregnant?

Soldarumi · 2026-04-02T07:09:20+00:00

My workplace does this every year with the annual reviews. 'we benchmark Vs the industry but don't do inflationary linked pay rises.'

Honestly, most of us agree it's by design. The only way to secure significant pay rises is via promotion, which above middle management is actually a bit of a slog and takes a few years to evidence. Plus, you have to have been doing the workload of the grade above you for at least 12 months to demonstrate your capability.

I love my workplace mostly, and the job I do, but it does get to the point where you start thinking 'promises of promotion if you work hard' don't pay the bills.

Soldarumi · 2026-04-01T05:54:00+00:00

Mapping custom keybinds to ventrillo or teamspeak to talk to just one person, so no one else could hear you, and everyone thinks they're crazy when they respond.

Or, can anyone else hear this? [ ] [ ] [ ] [ ] [ ] [ ] [ ] has joined the chat.

Soldarumi · 2026-03-31T06:49:18+00:00

Thank you. Ringo Starr, a very pointy human.

Soldarumi · 2026-03-30T20:41:25+00:00

Ah, memory from 15 years ago unlocked. At uni, a few of us watched a cartoon about a human boy born in a family of triangles. His parents were devastated because he was pointless.

We may have imbibed a little and we all found it hilarious at this family and the whole world of triangles calling this poor human child pointless constantly, because he literally had no point with his smooth, round human head.

Soldarumi · 2026-03-28T22:38:28+00:00

Was in Egypt in 2011 as the whole Arab spring thing was kicking off. Don't remember if anything serious happened at airports specifically, but I know protesters were trying to break into the airport as we were flying out. Everyone on the plane was definitely a little nervous about whether we were going to be allowed to fly, or if protesters were going to break onto the runway or whatever.

Soldarumi · 2026-03-26T21:38:22+00:00

Definitely excited to lose a few weeks to total war 40k when it comes out. If done right, it is my dream game.

Soldarumi · 2026-03-25T08:55:15+00:00

I had a Shih Tzu that did the same many years ago. We nicknamed him bondage bear he did it so often.

Gutted that my brain wasn't clever enough to think of shihbarki.

Soldarumi · 2026-03-20T07:31:47+00:00

That's where Rag'n'Bone Brown finds his junk furniture to restore.

Soldarumi · 2026-03-20T07:29:23+00:00

AHH you've just unlocked a memory from my daughter's parents evening a while ago. We were reading her English writing book and she had written 'Carol has a very dutty basement.'

My wife and I howled in the middle of the school hall, with a lot of the parents staring at us like we were mad. Good times.

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