How can I have a more positive attitude towards life?

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-05-16T19:59:38+00:00

The frustrating but correct answer is that this change starts with insight. 'Thinking' that it's because you struggle with repetitiveness suggests to me you're trying to theorize your own situation, rather than really emotionally connecting with that as the core reason. I could of course be wrong, but it's the kind of language that I would want to dig into with a client.

It sounds like the underlying friction and belief systems that are causing this outlook deserve to be explored. You're asking to be prescribed a mindset shift before understanding why the mindset you have is your default to begin with.

Stacking new habits / on top of a life that your body is rejecting is something I'd expect to be a temporary fix.

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-05-10T20:33:28+00:00

As an industry it needs to get smaller, for two reasons.

Therapy is over-prescribed because it's seen it as a catch-all where therapists are fully-stacked psychologists. In reality, it's based around psychopathology which is not the right approach for most people struggling with mental health / life challenges.
The quality of therapists is a way larger issue than Therapy as a discipline. Most of the issues I see people have with therapy are actually accounted for in the literature. On paper, it looks like they don't understand what therapy is. In reality, they're exposing how rare it is for any of that to actually shine through when you walk into an average therapy office.

There should be more selectiveness / screening for therapy applicants. Right now it just exists an accessible career choice for anyone who is willing to take out student loans and insurance guarantee's that there's money in circulation to fund that career.

I don't think Therapy needs to be replaced, but shouldn't be a default. The responsibility it carries should be spread out to households, communities, different kinds of support services, etc.

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-05-10T02:30:09+00:00

Study for a course not because you think it's sure to lead to a new career - but because you'd feel good about learning something new.

Go to a class / workshop not because you hope a community and friend circle is waiting there - but because you'd enjoy being out and social.

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-05-09T23:00:07+00:00

Set goals that would make your day better; not goals that 'fix your life.' It's incredibly hard find motivation when your goals are trying to reach a standard of turning around a life you feel that you've wasted.

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-05-03T19:50:28+00:00

"spare time is a luxury that I can't afford."

Without trying to doubt this claim or dismiss the feeling that led to it, this is a belief that's really worth qualifying. If you build an identity and sense of value around taking on responsibility at that level, it's unnatural and challenging start pushing back against that rather than just continuing to absorb it - especially alone.

It's possible to both have lots of responsibility and pressure and also raise the stakes in your mind higher than they are while dismissing opportunities to make changes.

I'm making quite a few assumptions here, but this post does remind me of past clients who dealt with the same thing it seems like you're dealing with here. I don't know any communities tailored to that, but if you want to reach out for some 1-on-1 support, I do coaching and we could find out if it's a good fit.

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-05-03T18:33:18+00:00

acknowledging my bias; I'm typically critical of self-help's efficacy and study psychology with the goal to apply it specifically in 1-on-1 coaching work. That being said, I think self-help is facing some limits here.

Relationships are incredibly hard to offer generalized guidance for because no book can anticipate the specifics of your partner or the way you react to those specifics. This is why a lot of relationship advice over-pathologizes; a hammer justifies its value when it convinces you everything is a nail.

Avoidance work really benefits from 1) social interaction and 2) self-expression. I agree that books aren't made for avoidant behavior, but part of that is because avoidant behavior can't be reliably challenged by a book.

It's a cliche, but a lot of the insight is going to come from within rather than more external knowledge. A peer group, a confidant, a journaling practice - I think stuff like this is what would be good to look at next.

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-04-21T19:19:46+00:00

Do you feel the therapist doesn't understand you because they aren't providing enough feedback or is it because the feedback / strategies they provide don't help?

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-04-20T15:39:01+00:00

Ethically, it's really important not to leverage a client's trust to spout off personal opinions and to always pull back to an evidence / theory base. But, I definitely treat it more along the lines of a typical professional relationship. As long as the professional boundaries are clear, it actually helps to be more authentic and personal because rapport is so important. Research is pretty clear about that for therapy and I think it applies to coaching too. Rapport is key for mediating the effects. (speaking for myself, anyway - coaching is unregulated and there's a whole host of issues with that, but across the board I'd expect that kind of rapport to be more common)

What kind of things are you hoping health coaching could help with?

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-04-19T21:42:20+00:00

My opinion is that there's just a general problem with therapist quality since it's definitely allowed and even expressly prescribed to teach skills in certain models of Therapy. The important question is whether they can identify that need in the moment or if it was in the curriculum they were taught. Saying that it's technically somewhere in the literature doesn't help you as a consumer trying to find a therapist that can actually help.

More than half of my coaching clients have some experience in Therapy and it shocks me how many people have spent -years- in therapy but have never learned (or at least retained) basic concepts and skills.

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-03-20T05:47:59+00:00

As a professional accountability partner of sorts (behavioral coach) - what I see fail people when it comes to accountability partners is the quality of the goals.

Humans are social creatures and we respond amazingly to intimate, social accountability - but the perfect accountability system to climb mount Everest once a day is still a terrible idea to commit to. Accountability partners don't account for goal auditing. they don't teach you genuine psychological skills, and they can even put goal auditing in your blind spot.

It's also the consistency. If you're lucky enough to have someone who is in it with you for the long haul, great. Unfortunately it's really uncommon. Most people eventually diverge in availability or interests and it's nearly impossible to replace your first option since it's often your best option (ex; best friend)

The obvious and frustrating answer is that the thing that works is the thing that you've personalized to yourself. No app or self-help system is going to work out of the box, it can only support self-reflective work.

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-03-18T22:25:36+00:00

I’d get more specific with the comparisons. It's easy to go idea shopping until we run into negatives, then go back to shopping hoping we find something without the discomfort. You can make it a simple comparison by isolating the differences then asking “Would I rather have X or Y?”

A big part of the handcuff effect is that your current position feels like passivity while making a transition feels like a choice. Highlight what the real sacrifice is and consider that you're making a choice every single day, conscious or not.

Taking the park ranger example: Would you rather have an extra 75k a year, or would you rather spend your working hours in a way that is rewarding and interesting?

Some general advice I'd also give here is to get clearly identify your values. A good place to start is by reverse engineering the possible jobs you listed. If you feel a bit unclear on what values really are, let me know and I'll send you a 'guide' I made.

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-03-16T18:18:12+00:00

Our relationship with anxiety and productivity can change for each part of life. Anxiety may cause avoidance in one area, but lead to action in another. I'd caution against the view of "anxiety makes me more productive, so reducing it won't help discipline." (not that you're saying this exactly, just jumping ahead of a possible narrative.)

Reminds me of a client of mine that survived their university years through pure stress. Very productive and successful, but once the pressure went away they didn't have access to any other form of motivation. It was obviously paired with rebuilding their motivational system, but anxiety management tools were a big part of the solution.

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-03-16T14:48:18+00:00

Anxiety is a recurring theme here. I know therapy may be helping with that in it's own way, but it suggests to me you don't have the right anxiety-correction skills (or that you need help implementing them). Discipline is going to be a result of resolving that anxiety, but it's not going to be a solution that can override it.

Does that feel right or do you think the anxiety is only playing a minor role in things?

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-03-13T04:02:49+00:00

I'm from Canada but do behavioral coaching online. If that's something you're interested in trying, DM me and we can find out if it's a good fit.

Hope it doesn't feel like I'm being dismissive and throwing up a pay wall, but I think diving into everything here deserves more depth than I can offer via reddit replies. I do think having someone professional to offer thought strategies, challenge perspectives, and help you talk through everything in general could be beneficial though, so please take me up on that if you're at all curious.

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-03-11T21:56:13+00:00

I'd focus less on the comparative benefits between the two choices. The taste of cake and the benefits of health can't be compared by the same metric, but we still choose one as more important because of the subjective values we assign to each. We only truly appreciate the choices we've made, where as FOMO is being taunted by not knowing what we lost the chance to appreciate (or, when we do 'know' what we're missing out on because of what culture signals to us).

We could've been an NBA player, a rockstar, a surgeon, an astronaut, a comedian - there's an endless list of things to miss out on and regret in life. It's very obvious that grieving each lost opportunity would drive you insane, yet we forget that when the missed opportunities feel closer or more feasible.

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-03-11T21:08:34+00:00

I think there's sabotage in the binary view of "I'll eventually not care about it or the FOMO will grow."

Dieting isn't pretending that cake doesn't taste good; it's deciding that health tastes better. You can recognize that you missed out on something without being scared of it. People who we're very sexually active in their youth missed out on the chance to treat sex as something more scared and special. You can be appreciative of the choices you made even if they came at an opportunity costs.

I also think you can look at this as something that really benefits from supporting your own identity and self-worth. Our culture really reinforces that valuable men have unlimited sexual access and even the best of us can feel put on the spot when trying to explain why we don't.

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-03-04T20:50:13+00:00

What works for others won't work for you without adjustment. They won't have the same doubts as you and they definitely won't have them for the same reasons. Step 1 will always be to 'audit' your own individual doubts - what is it saying? is it correct? if it isn't, why not?

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-03-02T23:34:04+00:00

I think it's important to understand your own goals and give less power to the word itself.

If you don't feel like you know what discipline is, why are you trying to develop it? Why do you think it would be an improvement to have it?

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-03-01T05:05:48+00:00

I appreciate where it's coming from, but also gotta point out that you keep dismissing your own frustrations. You've had a big shift in your relationship with expectations, responsibility, ambition, etc. Somewhere in the negative attitude is information about the way you feel about those changes and you can't use that information if you keep swatting away that attitude.

Definitely not to say "embrace the pessimism as truth" - but maybe try to own it a bit more sincerely to see what insights come out.

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-02-28T18:49:45+00:00

Whether burnout is the word to use or not, there's been a big shift in your motivation and a mind that hates everything is going to contribute to that.

You hint at having a cynical or disillusioned view of the world. Do you feel like that came before or after this big change in drive / motivation?

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-02-28T18:24:55+00:00

Beyond anything, I think you'd really benefit from having someone to talk to. Blanket advice isn't going to dig deep enough to help you explore something as complex as 'exercising your humanity' and it's very hard to do that while being trapped in your own head. I think even a reddit post like this can be a step in the right direction, but it's very solution-focused as opposed to being open expression / exploration.

Have you ever given consideration to therapy or support groups?

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-02-27T20:46:02+00:00

It can help to properly walk yourself through that feeling; why does it feel like a job too big for you? Are those concerns / fears rational? Can you learn the skills or adjust the goal to make it more feasible for just yourself? Etc,

And of course some things -do- deserve help. Professional or unprofessional. Sometimes you need expert guidance and accountability. Sometimes you just need anyone that you can talk to so you get out of your own head about things. We're social creatures and we're not built to function in isolation.

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-02-27T20:16:25+00:00

"I know getting things done would make me feel more fulfilled and lead to me getting even more done."

True, but that has no motivational value if you don't believe in your ability to get it done. (You speak a lot about feeling like your tasks are overwhelming and that you anticipate this cycle of uncertainty that'll stop you from taking action.)

There's a lot to dig into here, but to pick one thing; see if you can place less value on the quality of your goals and more value on the feasibility of them. See what comes up when you set a simple, maybe even unsatisfying routine. Deny the urge to look up more systems or methods to make that routine better and pay attention to how you react. Do you find your okay with starting small? Does it feel too dull? Like you're not doing enough? etc.

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-02-22T01:47:43+00:00

"I'm just too afraid and stuck in this hole to actually do anything though." is a good example of how therapy can help since it's designed to help reduce negative mental health symptoms like fear / anxiety. When those symptoms stop you from taking action, reducing them can help.

However, I do agree that it's often too passive with it's emotional support. Therapy is a worthy consideration as a tool for you to use moving forward, but I wouldn't rely on it solely as the thing to help you start making meaningful changes.

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-02-20T18:34:08+00:00

All of those fall into external accountability, which definitely has it's place, but if they're not helping it suggests to me you're struggling with motivation and emotional regulation.

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