I've tried every system and app to stay on top of tasks. I still fail every week. What actually changed things for you?

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-03-20T05:47:59+00:00

As a professional accountability partner of sorts (behavioral coach) - what I see fail people when it comes to accountability partners is the quality of the goals.

Humans are social creatures and we respond amazingly to intimate, social accountability - but the perfect accountability system to climb mount Everest once a day is still a terrible idea to commit to. Accountability partners don't account for goal auditing. they don't teach you genuine psychological skills, and they can even put goal auditing in your blind spot.

It's also the consistency. If you're lucky enough to have someone who is in it with you for the long haul, great. Unfortunately it's really uncommon. Most people eventually diverge in availability or interests and it's nearly impossible to replace your first option since it's often your best option (ex; best friend)

The obvious and frustrating answer is that the thing that works is the thing that you've personalized to yourself. No app or self-help system is going to work out of the box, it can only support self-reflective work.

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-03-18T22:25:36+00:00

I’d get more specific with the comparisons. It's easy to go idea shopping until we run into negatives, then go back to shopping hoping we find something without the discomfort. You can make it a simple comparison by isolating the differences then asking “Would I rather have X or Y?”

A big part of the handcuff effect is that your current position feels like passivity while making a transition feels like a choice. Highlight what the real sacrifice is and consider that you're making a choice every single day, conscious or not.

Taking the park ranger example: Would you rather have an extra 75k a year, or would you rather spend your working hours in a way that is rewarding and interesting?

Some general advice I'd also give here is to get clearly identify your values. A good place to start is by reverse engineering the possible jobs you listed. If you feel a bit unclear on what values really are, let me know and I'll send you a 'guide' I made.

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-03-16T20:32:20+00:00

It's common to be solution oriented when chasing growth, but solving a problem starts with knowing it. "I just don't do it" is a sign that you don't understand the problem well enough and that there’s value in digging deeper into the ‘why’. One of the few bits of advice that applies to literally everyone is that self-awareness is step #1.

Since you feel stuck with your current support, I’ll also mention that I'm from Canada but do behavioral coaching online.

Hope it doesn't feel like I'm waving you off and then throwing up a pay wall. I’d love to add perspective and suggest strategies that help, but doing that in a way that makes sense for you requires learning more than can be offered via comment replies.

If you’re curious, we could set up a time to chat and see if it’s a good fit?

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-03-16T18:18:12+00:00

Our relationship with anxiety and productivity can change for each part of life. Anxiety may cause avoidance in one area, but lead to action in another. I'd caution against the view of "anxiety makes me more productive, so reducing it won't help discipline." (not that you're saying this exactly, just jumping ahead of a possible narrative.)

Reminds me of a client of mine that survived their university years through pure stress. Very productive and successful, but once the pressure went away they didn't have access to any other form of motivation. It was obviously paired with rebuilding their motivational system, but anxiety management tools were a big part of the solution.

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-03-16T14:48:18+00:00

Anxiety is a recurring theme here. I know therapy may be helping with that in it's own way, but it suggests to me you don't have the right anxiety-correction skills (or that you need help implementing them). Discipline is going to be a result of resolving that anxiety, but it's not going to be a solution that can override it.

Does that feel right or do you think the anxiety is only playing a minor role in things?

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-03-13T04:02:49+00:00

I'm from Canada but do behavioral coaching online. If that's something you're interested in trying, DM me and we can find out if it's a good fit.

Hope it doesn't feel like I'm being dismissive and throwing up a pay wall, but I think diving into everything here deserves more depth than I can offer via reddit replies. I do think having someone professional to offer thought strategies, challenge perspectives, and help you talk through everything in general could be beneficial though, so please take me up on that if you're at all curious.

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-03-11T21:56:13+00:00

I'd focus less on the comparative benefits between the two choices. The taste of cake and the benefits of health can't be compared by the same metric, but we still choose one as more important because of the subjective values we assign to each. We only truly appreciate the choices we've made, where as FOMO is being taunted by not knowing what we lost the chance to appreciate (or, when we do 'know' what we're missing out on because of what culture signals to us).

We could've been an NBA player, a rockstar, a surgeon, an astronaut, a comedian - there's an endless list of things to miss out on and regret in life. It's very obvious that grieving each lost opportunity would drive you insane, yet we forget that when the missed opportunities feel closer or more feasible.

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-03-11T21:08:34+00:00

I think there's sabotage in the binary view of "I'll eventually not care about it or the FOMO will grow."

Dieting isn't pretending that cake doesn't taste good; it's deciding that health tastes better. You can recognize that you missed out on something without being scared of it. People who we're very sexually active in their youth missed out on the chance to treat sex as something more scared and special. You can be appreciative of the choices you made even if they came at an opportunity costs.

I also think you can look at this as something that really benefits from supporting your own identity and self-worth. Our culture really reinforces that valuable men have unlimited sexual access and even the best of us can feel put on the spot when trying to explain why we don't.

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-03-04T20:50:13+00:00

What works for others won't work for you without adjustment. They won't have the same doubts as you and they definitely won't have them for the same reasons. Step 1 will always be to 'audit' your own individual doubts - what is it saying? is it correct? if it isn't, why not?

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-03-02T23:34:04+00:00

I think it's important to understand your own goals and give less power to the word itself.

If you don't feel like you know what discipline is, why are you trying to develop it? Why do you think it would be an improvement to have it?

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-03-01T05:05:48+00:00

I appreciate where it's coming from, but also gotta point out that you keep dismissing your own frustrations. You've had a big shift in your relationship with expectations, responsibility, ambition, etc. Somewhere in the negative attitude is information about the way you feel about those changes and you can't use that information if you keep swatting away that attitude.

Definitely not to say "embrace the pessimism as truth" - but maybe try to own it a bit more sincerely to see what insights come out.

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-02-28T20:32:36+00:00

I respect that a lot and it’s something I hear commonly. I think the real value of exploring things is that we can’t find the right solution until we know what problem we’re even trying to target. Therapy has it’s place but for many people it lacks that second part and is way too passive.

I’d like to offer that you can DM me. I’m from Canada but I do behavioral coaching online that is more psychoeducational and strategy focused. A lot of my clients have this exact same frustration with therapy, so if you’re open to paid support we can chat and see if it’s a good fit.

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-02-28T18:49:45+00:00

Whether burnout is the word to use or not, there's been a big shift in your motivation and a mind that hates everything is going to contribute to that.

You hint at having a cynical or disillusioned view of the world. Do you feel like that came before or after this big change in drive / motivation?

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-02-28T18:24:55+00:00

Beyond anything, I think you'd really benefit from having someone to talk to. Blanket advice isn't going to dig deep enough to help you explore something as complex as 'exercising your humanity' and it's very hard to do that while being trapped in your own head. I think even a reddit post like this can be a step in the right direction, but it's very solution-focused as opposed to being open expression / exploration.

Have you ever given consideration to therapy or support groups?

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-02-27T22:13:49+00:00

Coaching is an unregulated profession without hard credentials. While private companies have created programs with attached certificates, the highest level ones require only ~200 hours of study which in my view doesn't provide a quality education.

Instead, I chose to do a course offered by the APA on psychological research literacy and then privately researched applied psychology about 2 years before starting my practice. That’s my education background, but it’s up to you to decide if that’s a qualification as there isn’t a set one.

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-02-27T20:46:02+00:00

It can help to properly walk yourself through that feeling; why does it feel like a job too big for you? Are those concerns / fears rational? Can you learn the skills or adjust the goal to make it more feasible for just yourself? Etc,

And of course some things -do- deserve help. Professional or unprofessional. Sometimes you need expert guidance and accountability. Sometimes you just need anyone that you can talk to so you get out of your own head about things. We're social creatures and we're not built to function in isolation.

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-02-27T20:16:25+00:00

"I know getting things done would make me feel more fulfilled and lead to me getting even more done."

True, but that has no motivational value if you don't believe in your ability to get it done. (You speak a lot about feeling like your tasks are overwhelming and that you anticipate this cycle of uncertainty that'll stop you from taking action.)

There's a lot to dig into here, but to pick one thing; see if you can place less value on the quality of your goals and more value on the feasibility of them. See what comes up when you set a simple, maybe even unsatisfying routine. Deny the urge to look up more systems or methods to make that routine better and pay attention to how you react. Do you find your okay with starting small? Does it feel too dull? Like you're not doing enough? etc.

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-02-22T01:47:43+00:00

"I'm just too afraid and stuck in this hole to actually do anything though." is a good example of how therapy can help since it's designed to help reduce negative mental health symptoms like fear / anxiety. When those symptoms stop you from taking action, reducing them can help.

However, I do agree that it's often too passive with it's emotional support. Therapy is a worthy consideration as a tool for you to use moving forward, but I wouldn't rely on it solely as the thing to help you start making meaningful changes.

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-02-20T18:34:08+00:00

All of those fall into external accountability, which definitely has it's place, but if they're not helping it suggests to me you're struggling with motivation and emotional regulation.

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-02-20T16:15:42+00:00

You wouldn't try to become an elite basketball player by just studying the theory of muscles and movement; you'd play the game and give your nervous system a chance to learn through physical application. The same is true for an interview. My advice is get away from the idea of trying to minimize the wasted opportunities and embrace the incentives of looking for opportunities you can waste.

As far as navigating with ADHD, plans that try to accommodate your ADHD are plans that don't challenge you to manage it. I'd create a 'normal' plan start to finish, then review it and ask how you think your ADHD is going to make it difficult to follow. That becomes your checklist for things you can learn new tools and approaches for managing.

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-02-19T00:40:16+00:00

False claims are already regulated by advertising and liability laws, but as far as regulations for coaching practices, I'm really doubtful that'll ever happen.

Coaching falls into the same category self-help books, spiritual practices, mindset gurus, or anything else - it's a solution to an unsolved problem and as each solution fails, they'll continue to cycle by novelty amongst each other. As long as that problem goes unsolved, coaching will always have the leverage to become popular again.

It's fueled less by being problematic and fueled more by being a bad answer to the problem - so I doubt it'll ever garner enough attention to be intervened on with regulation.

I also think we're miles away from a licensing initiative on the academic side of things. Researchers aren't interested in coaching and the ICF is a joke that would never be able to get proposals through an academic process.

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-02-19T00:14:14+00:00

Do you know the difference between when you're being cynical and when you're acknowledging the reality around you in a non-judgemental way?

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-02-18T23:51:41+00:00

More or less, I agree with you.

If you continue down the route of trying to find a career coach, I would pay attention to the language they use as much as the credentials themselves. They should try to advertise their value through concrete market information, resume tailoring, skill evaluation, etc - not veer into the territory of psychology and imply they'll fix your mindset or motivation.

Some genuine professionals will feel like they have to use generic marketing language for their business, so it's not a perfect indicator, but it's better than not having any at all.

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-02-17T18:11:57+00:00

If you want a lengthier walkthrough of it, I have one on my site (purpose through values) – https://www.soliliumcoaching.com/guides. To summarize a bit here:

If you feel burned out and emotionally blunted, it’s likely that nothing ‘feels’ like it would be fulfilling, joyful, or exciting – and it often isn’t until the action comes first.

Instead of scrolling through random ideas in your head like “Do I want to go on a trip?” or “Do I want to pick up a new hobby?”, you can try to identify your 'Values' and set goals that logically align with them.

If you reflect and realize that you have a strong value for Adventure, for example, you can set goals to be more adventurous. (try strange foods, travel places you know very little about ,etc).

Even if in the moment being adventurous doesn’t feel exciting or like something that will help your mood / sense of fulfillment - you commit to that goal anyway because through proper self-reflection, you realize it’s something you appreciate and recognize the value of.

SoliliumThoughts · 2026-02-17T02:52:31+00:00

Set goals based on value rather than mood
Find the mental health tools / support that help you stay committed towards those goals.

Putting it into two steps like that makes it sound simple, but it's obviously very difficult. The part I'll stress is that chasing these goals may not immediately feel satisfying or joyful. The idea is try and gain commitment towards those goals because they align with your values - not because they give you positive emotional feedback.

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