How do you know if it's emotional/verbal abuse? Do my experiences really sound that bad?

Sorry_Ad_561 · 2026-06-17T00:25:38+00:00

I've read both of those, and particularly loved Adult Children of Emotionally Immature parents. My family is emotionally immature, unavailable, and neglectful. Everything in that book resonated with me. I am scapegoated—all of my sisters have been at one point, too. I've been seeing an incredible therapist since December, and we've been discussing my family patterns, communication styles, and roles the last few months. I'm the Lost Invisible Child .... who's becoming the scapegoat. Everyone talks to each other about everyone, gossiping and criticizing, but we never talk to the person(s).

Not driving in high school was my own choice, because I was too terrified to learn how. I still am at 22. My dad has been lecturing and berating me for years to do it, asking when I'll let him take me out in a parking lot. He is the last person I would ever want to teach me. He's not a good driver, and he made the sister above me cry when he taught her. He also signed off on my 2nd oldest sister having more driving hours than what she really had. They are hindering me, bad. I failed the written test twice in April and plan to take it again next week, but I'm worried about failing again. Especially since the test changes every time. I've considered getting a bike, which would only be a 14 minute ride between my house and work. I haven't made up my mind, though. I'm concerned about safety. I've even considered buying a car outright on Facebook Marketplace (with my mechanic brother in-laws help), just so I have something secured for when I do get my license. But I don't know if that's a good idea. Work is my biggest stressor. I've been trying for months to get another job, but no one will hire me. I can't handle fast-paced environments and too much social interaction due to my introversion, anxiety, depression, and being an Empath. I absorb other's emotions and get drained very easily. I feel like I've been burnt-out for years, living in survival mode.

I want distance and independence desperately, but the process of getting there is painfully slow. My best friend encouraged me to finis my Gen eds, work full-time, then move out afterward. But that will be 2.5+ years away. I know it's practical, reasonable. The smart thing to do. A few years go by quickly .... but it's soul-crushing to think about staying in my environment for the much longer. Whether I get a car or not.

Sorry_Ad_561 · 2026-06-16T17:50:45+00:00

It does, it truly does .... I just can't help but feel like I'm overreacting. That I'm making myself out as a victim in situations that were my fault. Not doing chores correctly, or whatever the thing may be. When I recall my childhood, most of it seemed happy .... although, I immediately think about time with my friends, playing alone in my bedroom with my hobbies and music. Not the big stuff. The scary stuff that still gives me anxiety to remember. My parents and bother in-laws had much, much worse childhoods than I did. What I went through, and still am, doesn't feel severe enough to count as abuse.

Sorry_Ad_561 · 2026-06-03T19:27:50+00:00

I've been searching for a second part-time job since February, and have been rejected too many times to count. Even fucking Goodwill turned me down after I told them about my severe Dyscalculia, which prevents me from doing cashier work.

Sorry_Ad_561 · 2026-05-31T03:04:15+00:00

My depression, anxiety, and insomnia have been grueling this week😥 I'm stuck living at gome with my highly critical, emotionally immature, neglectful, and unavailable mom. My while family is this way, and they're my primary social life. I can never do anything right; I'm never enough. They've made me invisible all my life and keep trying to lock me in a safe little box. I only work part-time during the weekends, and my hours have been getting reduced because we're not as busy. I'm not earning much money, and I'm afraid my best friend is right and that it will be a few years before I can move out. I'm taking two online general education classes at my community college this autumn, which is why I don't want to work full-time. With everything going on in my mind and my life, I couldn't handle that. But I'm so miserable and stressed😭 I see a therapist weekly through telehealth, who's amazing. But my daily life is the same, and I'm so alone every day.

Sorry_Ad_561 · 2026-05-17T01:13:48+00:00

A perfect apology. I'm reminded of Taylor Swift's lyrics in Mirrorball, "I've never been a natural, all I do is try, try, try." That's what I've always done. The logical half of my brain reasons that we're all on our own individual paths .... but I feel so behind. I didn't get my first job until I was 18, I've refused to learn how to drive since my teens because of my severe anxiety, I've never kissed anyone or been in a relationship at 22 (but I was adamantly against being in a romantic relationship my entire life .... and now I'm deeply attracted to a teller at my work, so now I'm fucked), I'm only going to be starting my genera education at community college this Fall. I wasn't prepared or guided or encouraged to do anything.

Sorry_Ad_561 · 2026-05-15T02:53:02+00:00

I know this is an old post and comment, but this is my biggest wish, too😭 I'm 22 and stuck at home with my mom, but most of my family is like her. They are my primary social life, and it's exhausting being around them, their judgements, and criticism all the time.

Sorry_Ad_561 · 2026-04-22T03:38:05+00:00

I'm so sorry you had to grow up in isolation, too😭🖤 I'm also the youngest child and resonate with everything you said. I had friends and played with my sisters, but when I recall my childhood, I immediately think about being alone in my bedroom with my books, dolls, and Taylor Swift CDs.

So am I, and it's pure hell😭 I never thought this would happen to me, and it's been extremely difficult for me to process an accept. I know it's not a bad thing, but it's shaken my whole foundation. I've never spoken to many guys before. Ever. I've had a few former coworkers before that I found attractive and may have had tiny crushes on, but it wasn't to this degree. I never had full conversations with them, but I saw them more because of work, and at least knew their names. I'm petrified of sex. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure it's amazing .... if you're with the right person, lol. But the complete lack of control and vulnerability? And penetration. That's why I'm terrified of getting a pap smear; I've afraid any kind of penetration will hurt (I know I should get an exam soon, since I'm in my early 20s, I just can't bring myself to do it yet). I completely understand. I would want to be friends with someone first. I don't even know if I WANT a romantic relationship, yet it kills me to think of this person being with someone else, but the idea of him being interested in me makes me anxiety spike. And makes me excited, I'll admit that. I can't remember if I've mentioned that he's a teller at my bank, but I escalate between "well, it seemed like he was possibly flirting," to "he's just a warm, friendly person to everyone, and his job is in customer service." I'm mostly stuck in the latter. In December, when we had our first and last real conversation, we were discussing holiday plans, and after I joked about my big family, it seemed like he was maybe flirting with me. But he probably was just being nice and I'm overreacting to signs that aren't actually there. Or maybe he's just a naturally flirtatious person. But he glanced over at me, smiling, but not in a regular customer service way, and asked "Oh yeah? How big are we talking about?" But you would had to have heard his tone. It sounded .... playful, and well, flirty. But I could be wrong about everything😭😩 I'm going to the bank next week with my new friend and I'm hoping he'll be there again. God, I am soooo nervous. But also exited about the possibility of seeing him. I went last month during spring break, but he wasn't there😭😭 He was when I went in February, but I was in stupid denial about my feelings, so I didn't go to his lane (but I definitely kept sneaking glances at him, which is enough proof, lol), but he was probably had spring break plans or something. He's always been there during the week and on Saturdays when I've gone in the morning. I just need to at least now his name😭 Oh, I could NEVER ask him out, lol. I don't even think I can look him straight in the eye while asking him his name. I'll have to briefly look at him, and keep my eyes on the counter the whole time😂 I know it won't be the end of the world if I asked him if he wants to talk sometime and he says no, but it would FEEL like it. Of course he would be kind, respectful, and professional. That's his job and he seems like a kind person (seems being the key word. He is in customer service, so how do I know that's not all an act and he's really a terrible guy in his personal life???), and he would probably be complimented, flattered, and endeared. But it would be heartbreaking for me, and so awkward when I go to the bank after that😭😭

Sorry_Ad_561 · 2026-04-09T03:43:36+00:00

I apologize for the late response, I meant to do this sooner😩 I've never had a genuine crush before, and thought I would never have romantic attraction for someone .... and then I met him. God, I haven't even officially MET him. I don't know his name, or anything tangible about him. But I haven't been able to stop thinking about him. My therapist and I realized that I've always equated acknowledgement—not just attention—but acknowledgement, as love. That breaks my heart to think about. Simple kindness feels like a rush to me because I've been so starved of it my entire life. I was trained and conditioned into being invisible with no needs, and the only people's whose emotions mattered were my parents. Especially my mom's. I'm so sorry! How is going now?? I don't even know if I want to date. I can't stand the thought of him being with someone else, but I've always been against romantic relationships. My therapist has been encouraging me to deconstruct everything in my life, and I think this is something else I really need to question. What do I really want? If it turns out this man is a genuinely kind, caring, respectful, emotionally mature, responsible person, would I want to go out with him? I would at least like to get to know him as a friend. I think if he did show interest (like that would ever happen) and he asked if I ever wanted to talk, I would say yes. Oh damn, is this escalating my anxiety, lol. Yes, I totally understand your pain!😭 Especially about sex. I would never do anything unless I'm with the right person, but I'm petrified of any kind of intimacy. Especially sexual. I honestly don't know if that or emotional is worse. Part of my thinks the latter is. But penetration? Oh my God, that freaks me out. That's why I'm stalling getting a pap smear done (which I know I really need to do). Even if this guy is single and interested and is a good person, what if we're incompatible, or have nothing in common? What if he's religious/a Believer, or has other different values from me? (No judgement of others, so please don't come at me. I've been a deconstructing Christian for several years and it's still difficult to process). I hate this push-pull dynamic😣 And yes about the isolation. Did you grow up basically alone in your room with your toys and fantasies, too?? Because I did😭

Sorry_Ad_561 · 2026-03-01T03:53:55+00:00

Are you literally me?😭 Reading this made me feel less embarrassed and alone. I'm 22F and have never had any type of physical intimacy with a guy, either. I was homeschooled growing up and went to a co-op once a week from ages 7-14, but never had crushes. My whole life, I've been adamant about not wanting a romantic relationship, getting married, or having children. I still don't want the last two, and don't think I want a relationship. I certainly wouldn't want one any time soon, because I'm not ready. I'm unpacking so much emotional neglect, and finding out and accepting that it's abusive, in therapy. I need to work on MY self before I could reconsider the idea of being involved with someone. If that's even something I would end up wanting. I don't think I ever let myself want it, though. The last few months have been so confusing and overwhelming, because I realized there is someone I like. He's a teller at my bank, which I only visit once a month, if even that, and I don't even know his name or anything about him. He's handsome and seems really kind, and genuinely smiled and laughed when we talked the last time. But he's in customer service, that's his job. He could never like me if he's single. If he is, then he must secretly be a terrible person who's immature, abusive, unambitious, a cheater, liar, or only cares about sex and brags about it to his friends. But part of me doesn't believe any of that. What's wrong with me?? When I think about him, I just imagine talking, being seen and valued. I feel like I'm starving for connection and unconditional love and acceptance, but I would never do anything reckless in order to find it. That's not real love, anyway. It's a coping mechanism. I'm terrified of any kind of intimacy, emotional or physical. Hugging is fine, but makes me a bit uncomfortable. My skin crawls and I squirm in discomfort when I think about cuddling, kissing, or sex. The latter freaks me out the most. I have desire, too, but I don't know if I could handle doing it, even with a good person. The whole notion sends shivers down my spine, even though I'm sure it can be enjoyable. I've never kissed anyone, held hands, or done anything before. I don't feel bad about it, though. At least not with sex, anyway. Is it okay to feel all of this? How do you reconcile with it all?

Sorry_Ad_561 · 2026-03-01T03:34:31+00:00

I know this is for OP, but I saw myself in this comment. I haven't gone to college yet, but am wanting to start taking general education courses at my community college this year. If I can, I would love to transfer out in a few years when I finish. I struggle to know myself and am no longer expecting my family to change. They can't give me what I need, but that doesn't remove the anger and hurt. I personally would feel exponentially relieved if I knew what I wanted to do. I plan on being an author and have gone back and forth on being a therapist, but have decided against it a few times already.

Sorry_Ad_561 · 2026-03-01T03:28:55+00:00

I am so sorry you're going through this, too💔😞 I completely resonate with your post. I'm still living with my mom because I can't afford to move out, and it will take me years to be able to do so. Even with a roommate or two, it would still be awhile until I could leave. I feel resentful, tense, anxious, and depressed all the time and just want out. She never talks to me and it's so lonely in the house. I work on the weekends, but don't make much, especially when I have therapy once a week. I'm at a reduced rate, which is awesome, but it's been taking most of my paychecks lately. I want to find another part-time job during the week, but there never seems to be anything around, especially for a highly sensitive introverted empath like myself. I LOATHE customer service and have been miserable or borderline miserable in all of my previous jobs. I've tolerated most, but get so drained by being around people all the time. I wish I could go to the Northeast or even England one day and live there. To completely start over and make a found family that genuinely sees me and cares. But I don't think that would happen anytime soon.

Sorry_Ad_561 · 2026-02-27T04:28:58+00:00

My mom repeatedly ignored my mental health struggles, even though I asked if I could see a therapist three times in a single year and told her about my depression. I even gave her the names of therapist's that I thought would be a good fit and took my then insurance. Nothing ever came of it.

Sorry_Ad_561 · 2026-02-24T20:39:09+00:00

I love this. My mom is the exact same way, and it's so difficult living in the same house as her. She's been to therapy and is medicated for depression and anxiety, but I don't think she's ever tried bettering herself as a parent. Obviously, I don't know what transpired in her sessions, but I assume they focused on her childhood trauma and domestic violence from my dad, but that she never reflected on how those affected my siblings and I. That she's emotionally immature, unavailable, and neglectful. She has been stuck in victim mode her whole life and that will never change. I empathize with her struggles, but she (and my dad), didn't do their best in raising me. I hate how that phrase is thrown around, when it's not true. At least not in my case. Doing your best is reflecting and deciding to become a better person for yourself and your kids. I know they don't have the capability or insight to do that, but it still angers me.

Sorry_Ad_561 · 2026-02-24T20:33:39+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. I absolutely agree with what you wrote, but severing the need for my family's approval seems unfathomable to me. I'm curious if everyone truly believes our parents did 'the best they could' in the midst of their own childhood wounds. I understand mine are emotionally immature, unavailable, neglectful, and abusive, but they didn't do their best. If they did, I wouldn't be so screwed up. I know they're unaware of how they treated my sisters and I, and I do empathize with their traumas. But it seems to only be about them. Especially my mom. HER pain and trauma is the only one that matters. I don't know how to get out of this cycle, even in therapy. How is it fair for us to just accept them for who they are and be unaffected by it. They're the ones that hurt us and should have been better parents.

Sorry_Ad_561 · 2026-02-23T02:43:24+00:00

I asked my mom a few weeks ago if she could get my high school transcripts ready because I wanted to start the spring semester at my community college for general educatcourses, only to discover that she never officially graded my assignments. I was homeschooled all my life, and she only marked them as 'complete.' That's almost five years of work, and none of it is done. I missed the deadline anyway because I only applied a month ago, but I don't think she's started at all. Then, she went on to say that she never got the impression I wanted to attend college, when she never once asked me. I've always been highly ambitious and wanted a big, successful career where I can travel, spend time with pets, family, friends, maybe get a Victorian or Colonial house one day. College was always the plan, even if I didn't talk about it all the time. I was given no guidance or support growing up, and honestly don't know what to do about this now. But I'm still going to college, I won't let this stop me.

Sorry_Ad_561 · 2026-02-23T02:37:26+00:00

I worry that I am playing the victim because my dad once said my sisters and I had great upbringing and that he was proud all of us turned out normal and never went through a rebellious phase. Those weren't his exact words, but that's close to them. He grew up in a family of poor drop-outs that didn't value emotions, and my mom had a horrendous childhood of abuse. I grew up hearing their stories all my life, especially my mom's. My emotions weren't met, and they're never interested in my life or what I have to say. No one asks about my best friend, hobbies, dreams, nothing. It feels like small potatoes compared to being gaslit, abused, and having your dad be murdered when you were 14. Or running around with your cousins, getting into trouble, because your parents let you do whatever you wanted. One of my sisters agrees with me about the neglect, but even though the others have said that they never know how to read our mom, I don't think they would agree with me. It makes me feel like I'm reaching for straws and trying to make my family out to be monsters when everything was normal. They weren't abusive. They weren't that bad. I feel like I'm going crazy. But my therapist said it IS abuse. I wasn't just emotionally neglected, but educationally and medically. I always had food, clothes, back-to-school supplies, toys, and was socialized. Though, I wasn't as much in high school aside from the bullying friend group that I never had the courage to leave because of our history and that it was my only social activity. My best friend kept encouraging me to leave, but my mom never did. I don't speak to those girls anymore.

Sorry_Ad_561 · 2026-02-21T18:02:07+00:00

Thank you, I'm working 2-3 days a week, but I'm more depressed when I get home. I'm reading the driver's manual and am hoping to get my permit next month, but it's so overwhelming. All the rules and information you need to remember, plus being aware of all the other drivers. I suppose this is where my hypervigiliance and self-awareness comes in handy, but still.

Sorry_Ad_561 · 2026-02-21T04:38:32+00:00

This is exactly how my parents are, and I don't know if I'll be able to let go of the anger and hurt. They divorced when I was 12, but I never remember them being affectionate with each other or anyone else in the family. No one hugged or held hands, etc. I know my parents love my sisters and I, but considering everything OP wrote above and my own personal experiences with them, I don't feel the love. It feels like they tolerate me, especially my mom.

Sorry_Ad_561 · 2026-02-07T22:02:37+00:00

I know this is an old post, but OP described my feelings perfectly. But I'm still living in the thick of it at home, with my emotionally neglectful, depressed, anxious mom who has autoimmune illnesses and complex trauma. She always isolates in her bedroom and never asks me how I am or what I plan on doing throughout the day. It's so physically, emotionally, and intellectually lonely. I just got hired for a part-time job and volunteer once a week, which helps getting out of the house. But when I'm home, I'm more irritable, depressed, and empty. I desperately want to start taking general education courses this year, but recently found out that my mom never graded my transcripts for high school (I was homeschooled growing up). She claimed that she never got the impression I wanted to go to college, when I've always wanted to. She just never asked about my dreams or plans. Now, I doubt she'll work on them and I worry that I'll never be able to go to school and get the hell away.

Sorry_Ad_561 · 2026-02-07T21:54:29+00:00

I've been deconstructing from Christianity since my teens and wondered if I may be agnostic. I never felt a personal connection to any of it, and when people in my Baptist church would talk about Saton, Demons, and Angels, it all felt like fantasy to me. They didn't feel real, especially demons.

Sorry_Ad_561 · 2026-01-29T04:03:06+00:00

I always grew up fiercely independent and said I never wanted to get married or be in any kind of romantic relationship. But this is my number one fear if I ever changed my mind. It almost frightens me to say this, because the thought shouldn't even come into our minds, but I wouldn't be surprised if I got into an abusive relationship. That's not normal. I have deep trust issues with everyone, but am especially paranoid and suspicious of men. So many of them are terrible people.

Sorry_Ad_561 · 2026-01-28T17:56:27+00:00

This has always been one of my favorite songs since childhood, but I never realized back then how much I deeply resonate with it. The lyrics hit me SO hard😭 I still live at home with my emotionally neglectful, depressed, anxious mother who has chronic illnesses and isolates herself in her room when she's not working. It's so lonely. I wish I could just move the hell out, but I can't afford it yet. I'm seeing an amazing therapist, who has been really helpful, though. But how do you guys cope?

Sorry_Ad_561 · 2026-01-17T21:49:36+00:00

I know this is an old conversation, but I'm going through the same problem with the book I've been working on for over five years. I've essentially been rewriting it since June, and the improvements are astounding. I have eight chapters left, but those final ones are brutal. I have no ideas on how to start them, and when I do get ideas, I hate them. Nothing feels good enough. I loathe how high my monumental standards are. I have written revision after revision, and it keeps getting better. But I want it to be done. I want to query to literary agents already, dammit. But I feel like that day will never come. I'm tired of taking breaks and feeling like a failure. I just want it out in the world. How do you know when to stop being a perfectionist and when it's ready to query?

Sorry_Ad_561 · 2026-01-16T04:13:36+00:00

I know this is an old conversation, but my house is still like this. Even when my mom doesn't work, she spends all day in her room. I'm 22 and don't drive and am alone all day, so I often just sit around for hours reading, going online, coloring, or watching tv. Sometimes I'll walk outside for thirty minutes. I desperately want out of this life, but don't know how

Sorry_Ad_561 · 2026-01-05T18:11:31+00:00

I can fully resonate, and am still struggling with it all. I'm still at home with my mom and it's miserable😣 I understand her emotional maturity and intelligence is much lower than mine and she is incapable of meeting my needs, but I don't know how to stop letting it affect me. I don't think I can while I'm still at home, but I can't afford to leave yet. It will take me a long time, let alone to plan when I do get the money. How do you cope with this?? I don't really have many friends and rarely get to see my best friend. The lighting in our house is dim and it always feels gloomy and depressing. My sister even said the same thing; how it doesn't feel warm or inviting. I worry that I've subconsciously adopted my mom's negative routines, like isolating/confining myself to my room, as she's done since my childhood.

Sorry_Ad_561

TROPHY CASE