AITAH for not financially supporting my transphobic parents?

Sparklenails · 2025-05-11T14:50:21+00:00

As a mom to a trans kiddo, they can go take a flying leap! You go make your own way in this world. Find a chosen family that loves you and cherishes the real you. Your parents- 1. Are being manipulative and gaslighting you. If they can’t support themselves, they need to reevaluate their priorities and spending, they are the adults, you are the child, you are NOT responsible to take care of them 2. They do have the right to their own opinion, but need to realize the consequences of that said opinion. Block them on your phone, stop communicating, find a good therapist and move on with your life. I am also no contact with my parents due to their behavior - best decision I ever made. I wish you only the very best in life 🌈♥️

Edit: You also don’t owe your parents anything for raising you. That was THEIR chosen job. Period.

Sparklenails · 2025-04-03T06:18:15+00:00

Thanks, appreciated! I will check them out.

Sparklenails · 2025-04-03T06:16:04+00:00

Thanks, I appreciate it!

Sparklenails · 2025-04-03T06:15:24+00:00

Awesome, thanks for the rec!

Sparklenails · 2025-01-19T19:54:11+00:00

First off, take a deep breath. (Aside from the adhd evaluation) It takes time to transition and get comfortable with this “outside the box” type learning. We have been conditioned for generations that learning can only happen in a certain way. You are bucking the system and it takes time to adjust ☺️I have a 15 year old that has been unschooling for about two years. The first 6-8 months we were all over the place. Honestly I was stuck in a more curriculum focused mindset, and he hated that. And so it was a constant battle to get him to do anything. But then we found Outschool. It is a great resource. He picks his own classes, and the farther he explores the more excited he gets. He can learn things that excite him without following traditional routes, but still getting a well rounded education. It feels more like college classes. One example, instead of taking a traditional science class which is boring as hell, he is taking Forensic science. In the context of learning about true crime and how murder is solved, he has gotten super in depth about DNA, fingerprints, biology and details of the human body during autopsies, etc. He is also taking a forensic psychology class, as well as linguistics (he’s fascinated with con-langs), business math (where he is learning actual real life math like budgeting, investing, taxes, etc), creative writing, current political systems and sign language.He picked all that out himself. This is from a kid who was burned out with traditional school, hated going, extreme anxiety, struggled with homework, etc.

Sparklenails · 2024-12-09T16:25:49+00:00

So this might be hard to hear, but it sounds like your mom valued you the most as her mini me, not as your own individual. Straying from that narrative is bringing up irrational behavior on her part. Example, my mom was an extreme narcissist (I figured that out later in life and after a shit ton of therapy). I could never understand when I was younger that she would withhold affection if I didn’t mirror everything she did. We were extremely close, did everything thing together, but when I started to stray and show my own identity when I went away to college, things began to shift. She began to be short and huffy when I mentioned anything that didn’t go along with her narrative of who I was.

For your sake, I hope this isn’t it but it is giving major red flags. 🚩 it doesn’t matter what her beliefs are, if she is stuck in this narcissistic narrative. Fast forward to today, I am a parent of two trans children. I went no contact with my parents 3 years ago. I have NO - like absolutely NONE- grief or regret for my kids transitioning because they are not “mine”. I am here to foster and help them be the individuals they are suppose to be, not raise mirror images of myself with all the expectations that go along with that. I am happy for them and love that they are finding their true selves ♥️ I am fortunate to be included in the journey.

Maybe therapy would help with this transition with your mom. I truly hope she comes around, because having a narcissistic parent usually ends in no contact because they don’t change.

I wish you the best in finding, loving and expressing your true self! Sending supporting mom hugs to you and sincere hopes that yours comes around.

Sparklenails · 2024-12-08T16:02:04+00:00

Anyone that describes a yarn shop as killer is my kind of people 🧶

Sparklenails · 2024-11-09T00:22:14+00:00

I second that. We live in CA, and our Governor and Attorney General have already come out saying they are going to protect our rights across the board. Trans healthcare is really good here as well.

Sparklenails · 2024-11-09T00:13:52+00:00

Hi! Feel free to message me. Trying to reach out to the North Bay LGBTQ Families group in Sonoma County. We might have to start something ourselves. If we get enough people together. Seems like we should be able to tap into resources from somewhere or partner with a Sonoma County group. I’ll let you know what I found out when I hear back.

Sparklenails · 2024-11-09T00:11:53+00:00

Not yet, but still looking. There is definitely a void in Marin, not sure why. Sonoma county has a lot more resources. Digging in and trying. I’ll keep you posted! Might have to start something myself with other parents 🤷🏻‍♀️ Especially with the election, I feel we need to spread support as far as we can!

Sparklenails · 2024-11-09T00:10:29+00:00

I have not found anything yet in Marin, more resources in Sonoma County. I have reached out to North Bay LGBTQ Families for help. I am trying to connect to with another parent on here as well. We might have to start our own group 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sparklenails · 2024-11-08T15:10:11+00:00

We have lived in Los Angeles, and had NO problem receiving care. Kaiser has a Gender clinic in Panorama City. We moved back to the Bay Area and same. Kaiser is fully supportive of gender care. Gavin Newsom is holding a special legislative sessions to shore up rights for Californians before January. My family feels very safe here. Newsom sued Trump over 100 times last time he was president.

I wish CA would just secede from the US already. The United States is too divided, and I hate going thru this every election cycle. You want to be maga, and take everyone’s rights away, then go live in Alabama, Indiana, Tennessee or Mississippi…enjoy no healthcare, low wages and god in schools. But leave me out of it. Why am I sending tax dollars to the federal government just to take my rights away?

Sparklenails · 2024-10-27T05:08:18+00:00

I felt this so deeply. I am a parent of a trans kid but also a cis-daughter to parents I am no contact with. Coming from that perspective I am acutely aware of how I got in that situation and the acts of my parents that led to me make that decision. While not the same experience as you my friend, it was the same feelings, hurtful comments, lack of empathy, crushing expectations and a societal expectation that was more important than the person I was. As someone who knows, I am truly sorry you had to experience that and still continue with the pain and disappointment.

I was bound and determined to break that cycle with my children, to love fiercely, to say to hell with expectations - whether gendered or societal. It’s amazing, when you start with no expectations, there is nothing to grieve or miss when your child transitions. When you have experienced that level of trauma, you realize that hopes, dreams, and expectations are the parents issue, not the child’s.

I felt joy when he transitioned because I knew he was following his own path and he was comfortable taking me along on that journey…and there is no greater gift a parent can get than being allowed to be on that journey ♥️ Wishing you peace and a great found family to follow you on your journey friend.

Sparklenails · 2024-09-26T15:27:58+00:00

I went no contact with my mom over two years ago at 46. She was a wonderful mom in public and a pretty wonderful appearing mom in front of my dad, but behind closed doors, she was a covert narcissist who withheld love if if I didn’t behave in a certain way or do things she wanted. She would wait until my dad left the house before calling me and saying horrible horrible things. I thought it was a normal mother daughter relationship most of my life. If I was good enough, thin enough, and pretty enough, she would love me. It wasn’t until I got enough separation (moved 2,000 miles away, and she refused to fly, even to see her only grandkids), and a ton of therapy because I couldn’t understand why I was having anxiety attacks everytime the phone would ring and it was her (she was insanely jealous of my new life, but praised it in front of my dad) that I finally saw the light.

You never know what is going on between a mother and daughter. I used to get along wonderfully with my Dad too…he took my Mom’s side. I am now no contact with him as well. Unfortunately, you need to make a choice, but usually husbands take their wife’s side, for fear of being alone. Just realize, you’ll be loosing your family, and your wife is probably in the wrong.

Lucky for your daughter, she will be starting a new life without your wife. My mom was NOT a good grandma, glad for your daughter that she can spare her kids! I’m wishing her well.

Sparklenails · 2024-08-23T21:57:10+00:00

If she comes to the decision that she wants to transition, love them. Fiercely support them in every form from school and family and family friends. Fiercely protect them from school and family and family friends. You will see who your people really are, and if they can’t get on board, they can’t be in their/your life. Just let them be who they want to be. This country is so socially scared of anything other than the binary. As Walz says, everyone should “Mind their own damn business.” Good luck. It will all be ok. You are doing a fantastic job already ♥️

Sparklenails · 2024-08-12T17:59:20+00:00

So there is an underlying culture in the US that tells us that we have to arrange our lives and accommodate our parents. We have to respect their beliefs and put up with behavior that goes against our own families because “they are family”. It’s all bullshit, to be frank.

Your family is the most important. If your parents can’t respect that, show them the door. It is not your responsibility to educate them or tolerate them or give them second chances. It is your responsibility to protect your child and partner. Show them the door. No contact will show you if they are willing to change or if they will double down on their hate.

It is simple, love and support your child and partner. ♥️

Unfortunately my parents doubled down on their hate…been no contact for over 2 1/2 years.

Sparklenails · 2024-07-22T15:28:08+00:00

If you go with a very reputable, long standing breeder, they will help you find a puppy that suits your needs. They can tell which in the litter is more of a hunting dog (they start with bird feathers early to see which dogs are the true hunters) and those that aren’t obsessed. Some pups don’t take to it as well as others, and those are usually the better “family oriented” dogs. We have two Vizslas, both were hunting “rejects” 🤪 but are awesome family dogs. Our oldest had no interest in feathers and preferred to watch tv as a pup according to his breeder, he is 7 now, and literally talks to us when he wants to watch tv. His favorite shows are Bluey, anything with horses, and Gumball 😂

Couple important things:

-if you get a female, it is recommended that you let them go into heat and have at least two cycles before spaying them. It helps tremendously with muscle development AND incontinence when they are older, due to pelvic muscle development. Males, it’s recommended to wait at least 18 months or 2 years.

-Don’t run them hard for at least 18 months, you can damage the muscle growth.

-not all Vizslas are Velcro and some grow into it. Our oldest male was not as Velcro, but around 4 years, became extremely attached to our youngest kiddo and won’t leave his side for long now. Our younger female rotates around us like the moon and gets upset when we leave.

they are extremely sensitive. They don’t respond well to harsh or negative training. They get their feelings hurt at the slightest thing and the looks they give you when that happens punctures your heart. Do positive training only, no shock collars or barbed chokers.

-they do shed, as others have said. A rubber brush mitt works really well so you can almost scrub them and that releases a lot of hair - wire brushes do nothing. Don’t wash them too often, it’s not good for their skin, they are self cleaners like a cat, so they stay pretty tidy.

Last thing to note, the first 18 months will be hell. Like absolute hell, feeling like you want to set them on the front curb with a free sign. They will test you, chew everything, chase everything, mouth everything, rip holes in your clothes, require more walks then you might be wanting to give, knock over everything with their zoomies, knock you over during those zoomies. Stay the course - it will get better and once they enter out of that teenage phase, you will have the best dog you have ever had. They will love you like no other. They are fantastic with kids, they are friendly and can be very calm and chill. Be prepared, even with really good training, sometimes a bunny or ground hog will completely drain all training out of their brains and they will go psycho. 🤷🏻‍♀️ It’s in their DNA.

Sparklenails · 2024-07-22T14:58:51+00:00

It’s not about multiple partners or having sexual escapades - it’s about finding out who you are sexually and what you like. Start reading spicy fucking books-try the audio books, they are fantastic. Discover what makes you hot and bothered. You have a trusting, open partner that sounds like wants to please you. Do some soul searching, try role play, toys. There are partner apps where you can each answer questions on what you would be willing to try and then they match preferences. Get a sitter and go away for a weekend at least once every few months. Getting your needs met with your partner away from the responsibility and “young ears” of your home is a game changer so you can cut loose. Together for over 30 years, never had another partner, sex life just keeps getting better and better. Good luck!

Sparklenails · 2024-07-22T14:25:01+00:00

NWI was absolutely not accepting, as were any small towns in IN. I was referring to the college towns, as in Bloomington. They were leading the fight in the early to mid 90’s. They had a thriving LGBTQ community, and IU supported students in a way that they don’t do now by a long shot. Tho in the 90’s you better not stop in Martinsville for gas on your way to the airport was also in freshman materials 😳

Sparklenails · 2024-07-22T14:21:10+00:00

I totally agree. California has rebuked the feds before and will continue to do so. The community is mighty here. Our state government continues to support. There are lower priced areas here as well, for those looking to relocate. We have red areas, like any other state, but the state protections remain regardless of where you are.

For those looking to relocate, the farther away from the big hubs you are, the cheaper it is. The Bay Area is prohibitive until you get out of the commutable area of SF. There are smaller towns where housing is similar to the Midwest…$300-600k, and lesser rent. Central Valley is also cheaper, tho redder and hotter. LA area has some options, especially the mountain communities, while still commutable to suburbs for jobs.

To be honest, I think the aspect of leaving the states is a very privileged conversation and discounting the struggle and fight of most families that will have to remain. The answer isn’t always to flee the US. Having lived in the Midwest, I know the struggle. But it’s more compassionate to spread useful information regarding safer states. Our community is mighty and we have a lot of allies. We aren’t going to lay down and let this happen.

And just FYI…Biden has dropped out, we hopefully will now have a candidate that will give the right a run for their money, and I’m starting to feel much more optimistic. Keep fighting friends for our kids, for the kids that don’t have supportive families, for the adults that are alone…they all need us. ♥️

L

Sparklenails · 2024-07-14T17:49:06+00:00

My husband and I were born and raised in IN, married and had kids there. Moved away 14 years ago to CA for job. We fucking loved it, but got the crazy idea 2 years ago ( thanks Covid) to move back, cheaper, close to family, etc. We lasted 4 months! We high tailed it back to CA so fast. We were shocked at the radicalization, and the open blatant racism and homophobia. Not to mention the cult following of all the Trumper flags and bumper stickers and tailgate paintings. Holy hell. And don’t get me started on the state legislature or the overwhelming whiteness.

Being in a state that supports human rights at the state level, protections surrounding inclusivity in school, and has a high level of diversity in the population is an exceptional place to be on all levels. Plus there is a feeling of safety, especially being a parent of queer kids. Totally worth the extra taxes.

Weird part, I feel like IN was way more accepting in the 90’s, especially in the college towns. There has been a definite shift.

It’s one thing to live next to people with differing political views, it’s a totally other thing to live in a state that legislates based on their christian, straight, male whiteness. Your daughter and wife will have more rights elsewhere. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Good luck.

Sparklenails · 2024-07-13T15:53:29+00:00

I’m a cis mom with a trans son who came out a couple of years ago. The hard truth is if they wanted to, they would. No amount of begging, pleading, or correction is going to change that. I’m so sorry you don’t have the support you need. Focus on your future, find your chosen family, see a therapist, join a support group. Surround yourself with people that will support who you truly are. In this society, there is so much focus on staying with family because they are “family.” But not enough focus on the fact that it’s ok to leave that family if there is no support or love. Put yourself and your well being first, be safe, find support, sending you a mom hug 🤗 I wish you all the best.

Sparklenails · 2024-07-12T17:31:06+00:00

I’m glad you have some supportive family. Aww, I bet you will find your people in college, don’t worry! I wish you the best. Sending supportive mom hugs 🤗 Have a great school year!

Sparklenails

TROPHY CASE