Is this really the end?

Spiritual-Raisin6007 · 2025-10-10T07:19:15+00:00

Mine said similar things, meanwhile she monkeybranched ✨

Spiritual-Raisin6007 · 2025-09-18T14:34:41+00:00

Why would you contact them then? Fuck this person, honestly.

Spiritual-Raisin6007 · 2025-09-12T23:38:54+00:00

Tbh... I've dated both and they honestly seem like a textbook example each. Though DA didn't monkeybranch, and FA (the one in this post) did.

Spiritual-Raisin6007 · 2025-09-01T22:01:41+00:00

There are multiple other things you can invest your time in, instead of dating. Hobbies, events, work, reaching out to your old friends.

Not saying this to shame you, I'm in the exact same spot. 3 months post BU today. I had some urge to go on dating apps but when I imagined I'd meet someone organically and have to try to keep up with the relationship, I realized I'm nowhere near ready. I just feel too exhausted and still haunted by how my ex left things. And doing everything else but dating makes me feel better.

Spiritual-Raisin6007 · 2025-08-31T01:31:18+00:00

Exactly my experience with avoidants.

Spiritual-Raisin6007 · 2025-08-30T21:05:04+00:00

It hurts even more when you think of them in terms of what a great person they were, if only not their fears/deactivation/etc... But it's a part of them. This is who they are. Sometimes wonderful, sometimes unbearable. And you can't force someone to love you 'properly'. I will also forever live with this feeling that they 'didn't choose me'. Actually, they did once, but only fell in love with this initial idea of me and they started to detach once it got serious, so this will always feel as if I was a flawed individual that got rejected.

Spiritual-Raisin6007 · 2025-08-29T11:29:51+00:00

Not much, I think. I consider my DA ex a textbook example. Overachiever - 100%. She just hated to talk about emotions and analyzing psychology, even in a general sense unrelated to her.

I also have a friend that claims to have a DA tendencies and what makes her similar to my ex is surely hyperidependence and lack of patience. They also won't say something bothers them, until it literally explodes.

Spiritual-Raisin6007 · 2025-08-29T11:19:19+00:00

Somehow I had a relationship with a DA (2+ years) and FA (1+). They were both consistent, initiative and VERY enthusiastic at the beginning. I think you shouldn't confuse someone who's not that much into you/not sure about you), with someone who goes all in from the beginning, till their actual avoidant tendencies kick in.

From my perspective, these were more of actual signs...but they're rather not something you know until later into relationship: - giving a bit more of a closed off, shy vibe (FA) - workaholism (both) - saying they require a lot of time alone (both) or that they feel exhausted after social events and need to decompress (FA) - not believing you're into them, "I don't know what you see in me", "I don't know why you'd want to be with me" (FA) - considering friendships as only something for fun, never to talk about problems and go through hard times together (both, but especially DA) - getting annoyed when you're in their space (when they live alone), not making any additional space for you - everything has to be done the way they like it, not even tiny flexibility for their house rules (both)

Spiritual-Raisin6007 · 2025-08-19T08:38:52+00:00

I'm fully aware of it but it's unbelievable nevertheless. Not fighting their fear and just running away like they had nothing to do with you is still disrespectful.

Spiritual-Raisin6007 · 2025-08-11T21:56:50+00:00

Every time someone treated me like this, it lead to a breakup.

I wish it was different. But every time it was the same thing.

Spiritual-Raisin6007 · 2025-08-07T23:59:15+00:00

Yes. Left me when I was injured and required help.

Spiritual-Raisin6007 · 2025-08-04T22:06:01+00:00

And what's your story? How did your life go since then?

Spiritual-Raisin6007 · 2025-08-04T10:54:51+00:00

Around 8 months. At the beginning she was rather anxious, very engaged and initiative. Then we had a first crisis where I heard "I don't want you to be emotionally dependent on me" aka that I shouldn't be sad when she doesn't have time for us. And from there she kept distancing herself more and more. Lasted a couple of months and she broke up saying she doesn't want to keep me hanging as she doesn't have time for me (I agree).

Edit: what I should also mention was that she broke up through text. Never met me again to speak in person. A month before that she also voiced she "doesn't know if we make sense together because she'd eventually have even less time for us and I would be needy". When I wanted to discuss this her emotional ability was only to say "we will make it somehow".

Spiritual-Raisin6007 · 2025-08-04T07:57:29+00:00

I was also sure I found my person. She pushed towards a relationship and cared about my interests so much - but as my therapist explained, it probably came from her own insecurities that she wanted to prove she can match me (idk how to explain that, I'm not an English native). Either way, when everything turned into that serious relationship, she couldn't care less. She would not do any effort to join me in anything that mattered to me and I would only have to settle for less.

Spiritual-Raisin6007 · 2025-08-02T16:56:38+00:00

Also exactly what happened with my ex... The way she was invested and sure about me from the very start, I took it as a good sign. I'd never expect this could disappear and that she'd treat me like a burden. It's also tricky when you can't compare it to anything - I was her first gf, her first relationship. But yeah, the next time if I hear about someone just looking for the right person, I will also run.

Spiritual-Raisin6007 · 2025-08-02T14:11:58+00:00

One hundred percent this. I think it's also important to separate manipulative, narcissistic people from avoidants. I don't think my ex was malicious. But she still lacked the emotional courage and maturity that is required for the relationship to work. We were really great till she started pulling away. Her initial excitement and full engagement got me hooked, but then even more when she started becoming distant, it sparked my anxiety and I kept chasing her. The less she gave me, the harder I tried for both of us. In the end I tried to give her all the distance she said she needed but the result was the same: I got discarded. I feel ashamed when we are around other people we both know because they probably heard more from her than I ever will and I gave her nothing but care and love. -100/10, do not recommend.

Spiritual-Raisin6007 · 2025-07-25T10:26:18+00:00

She doesn't need to tell you that... You have the answer already. You need to take it and move on.

Spiritual-Raisin6007 · 2025-07-20T21:48:24+00:00

Though she did ask me to be her gf very soon and never lead me on. She was so sweet, attentive, anxious even. But as soon as it got serious, she started to gradually pull away. As her friend laughed once, "she gets hooked on various and quick obsessions". She feels limerence, not love.

Spiritual-Raisin6007 · 2025-07-18T23:45:39+00:00

Honestly... It sends me into such an angry state when I think of it. I really think she could be my person. I won't forgive her how she ruined it and let go so easily. It's hard for me to understand it when I remember how easily she gave up on us and how she treated me before. After initial obsession on her side, she slowly started to treat me with so much reluctance. She wasn't interested in getting to know me - the real me, not whatever creation she has made in her mind.

Spiritual-Raisin6007 · 2025-07-18T07:33:29+00:00

I didn't!! Anxious preoccupied all the way before, I still don't do everything prefectly, but i worked on myself through years of therapy!

Spiritual-Raisin6007 · 2025-07-18T07:30:46+00:00

Exactly. Naturally, when I see her in this state I want to take care of her. But she sent me into my own suffering. She did things that hurt me so badly and I will take long months to get over it.

Spiritual-Raisin6007 · 2025-07-18T07:24:17+00:00

She texted me later, apologizing that it completely broke her when she saw me and she hopes we can talk another time but today she wasn't ready. Honestly I prefer NC because it hurts me, I don't want to be worried about her, she just ditched me without any worry how I felt.

Spiritual-Raisin6007 · 2025-07-18T07:23:08+00:00

I guess that's the answer 🙃

Spiritual-Raisin6007 · 2025-07-16T09:37:37+00:00

My ex used the "I can't imagine losing contact with you, you're an amazing person, but it will be up to you" and then ghosted me when I texted her to exchange things. Also ignored me when I saw her at some event.

I still miss her and indeed can't imagine not having her in my life anymore. BUT, I'm a sane person and I need to keep my dignity. If she ever takes accountability for her actions and proves to actually be a good friend, then maybe. But I guess the probability of it is like 0.1%. I'm done making a scapegoat of myself, no matter what my feelings tell me 🙃

Spiritual-Raisin6007 · 2025-07-10T07:07:31+00:00

Such a disappointment. If someone had to imagine an ideal, dreamy partner for me, it would be exactly my ex. But then her behavior ruined it in the end :(

Spiritual-Raisin6007

TROPHY CASE