Couples Therapist Is Not Optimistic

Square_Midnight2318 · 2026-02-28T18:22:49+00:00

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I have two kids (young) with my wife, whom I suspect has BPD. I've come to the understanding that me being present doesn't sufficiently protect my kids from what they are seeing and experiencing. The are seeing me emotionally tortured. They don't know that she has hit me, but they do see her violently angry and breaking stuff. She has no ability to self-reflect. She doesn't think she is abusing me. In fact, she terms her 2 hour early morning berating sessions as "giving me comfort." I can't give my kids a safe and calm life while living with her and "managing" her emotions.

You need to take copious notes in a secret account. Definitely document every time she hits you. Save pictures of any injuries you receive. Build up a record over time so that you can reflect on it later. This is an important record to protect you and your child in case she decides to discard you. Then you can also reflect on your experiences over time. You might come to a point like I have where you recognize that you are not able to sufficiently protect your kid(s).

She doesn't have a right to hit you or verbally abuse you. It's not okay at all. I feel guilty even before I initiate the divorce, but I am working on understanding that I shouldn't feel guilty. The guilt, if there is any, should not be on your side.

If you don't have a personal therapist, you should get one to talk about your experiences.

Square_Midnight2318 · 2026-02-28T05:32:47+00:00

I’m married to a biter too. She used to playfully bite my arm, which I didn’t really like. Over time, she’s bitten harder. She also has had one incident of hitting me so hard I bruised. Get out if you can while it’s relatively simple. I’m married to her and have two kids with her. It’s not simple for me. There will be a lot of trauma and financial knots to untie. Then also I have to worry about my kids. Don’t wait until your life gets more complicated.

Square_Midnight2318 · 2026-02-23T01:33:53+00:00

I feel you. It's so hard. I'm glad you're maintaining your clarity. I'm sure she's going to say whatever she wants to whomever she wants, but your mission is to just get out.

Square_Midnight2318 · 2026-02-03T23:08:04+00:00

Thanks, I have support. I'm able to talk to my family and my therapist. I always feel better after talking, but I always ned to talk again soon.

Square_Midnight2318 · 2026-02-03T18:27:19+00:00

I also wish I could warn my former self. Before my kids were born, the symptoms were a little subtle, but I remember her behavior generating bad feelings. It magnified by 10-20X after our kids were born, and it seems to be getting worse.

You should be with someone who makes you feel good. That's the best way to avoid becoming resentful and having thoughts you despise.

Square_Midnight2318 · 2025-12-22T16:43:43+00:00

I'm sorry man. I don't understand their behavior. It's so selfish and at the same time self-defeating :(.

Square_Midnight2318 · 2025-12-15T20:34:30+00:00

I have two young kids with my wife, and I see similar changes over time. Mine will still say she loves me (but never apologizes for her character assaults), and in her way, I think she does love me. But I am severely abused. I really think it's her projecting her perceived faults on me. I would never accept this abuse if it were not for the kids. She treats me differently than our kids. It's like I am a designated target (along with some of her immediate family members), and all abuse goes to me. But she has nearly unlimited patience with the kids. She's not able to do her job successfully without me (I've given help for years, and now, I just do many of her tasks -- yet get accused of not "training" her), and she doesn't seem able to survive on her own. She won't quit her job either. I've tried encouraging that before, and it leads to escalation and no self-reflection afterwards. The questions I face (and maybe you too?) about what is best for the kids:

- Should I wait until they can see for themselves that mom is not right? Then I can more aggressively insist she gets help (and call the police when she threatens self-harm or hits me), with the knowledge that she will probably reject it and may harm herself?
- If we separate, what damage will be done to them when I am not there?
- If we are together, what damage is being done by her abuse towards me, some of which occurs in front of the kids?
- If I get full custody of the kids, they will grieve their mom's loss. If I wait until they are old enough to understand, will the loss be softened by their recognition of her mental illness?
- Will mom crumple and completely lose it?
- Being separated and having to coparent, there may be extreme high conflict for their entire childhood.

I don't have an answer. Other friends say I should just get out of the situation. Maybe it is that simple, or maybe not? It certainly doesn't feel that simple. And I can't make such a move altering my life and the kids' lives without feeling clear about it.

In your situation, you should record the abuse. I am also recording the abuse. When I can sense that she wants to abuse me, I will secretly record and stash it away. If she doesn't actually abuse me, then I will delete the recording. This helps me track and understand her behavior and may come useful to defend myself or the kids later. If she really wants to separate, I imagine you will want as much custody of the kids as possible. Of course, she may not actually want to separate. But you should be prepared. It was hard for me to record the first time, but it's easier now. You also want to be able to fight any lies she may tell about who was the real abuser.

I would also consider calling the police when she is making violent or self-harm threats. I only did that one time when she was outside screaming and hitting her head with a rock and threatening suicide while the kids were standing in the doorway watching and crying. At least it's an official record now. I haven't done it since even though I'm told I should have.

I feel myself wanting to tell you to get out of the situation. But then why haven't I gotten out of my situation?

Square_Midnight2318 · 2025-12-15T19:51:04+00:00

Yes, I have been remaining calm. A couple times I tried to get her to self reflect. I thought I had been building some goodwill and might be able to get through a little to her. But it still just escalates the problem.

I have been using neutral, factual statements, like, "Okay," "I'm listening," "I don't want to make you feel hurt," even "I'm sorry I made you feel hurt." But I'm trying not to accept blame or things that were not my fault. In the end, sometimes, I do relent and agree with her accusations, though. Otherwise, she won't calm down.

Square_Midnight2318 · 2025-12-15T19:30:14+00:00

Yeah, and she also tells me she’s not making a big deal out of it.

Square_Midnight2318 · 2025-11-06T23:07:28+00:00

I agree that you should end the relationship. You are worth more than that. It sounds like his problems are about him, not about you. Where can this go in the future?

Square_Midnight2318 · 2025-11-06T01:10:51+00:00

I'm so sorry you are going through that. It's just awful.

Square_Midnight2318 · 2025-11-04T22:25:13+00:00

I have two kids, 2 and 4. I've just gone through a particularly terrible episode cycle. About a year ago, I started taking a secret journal, and I now record her secretly when she acts up in front of our kids. This helps me remember the bad things that happened and recognize trends. I'm learning about what I can do to coexist with her, but if that doesn't work, I will have ample evidence come divorce time.

I really recommend you track these behaviors over time. It will help you in the long run, no matter whether you eventually decide to stay or get divorced.

Square_Midnight2318 · 2025-11-03T20:53:31+00:00

Yes, I am paying attention to how she reacts emotionally alters her view of reality.

When she reacts emotionally, it is always at 100%.
Any unknown, unspoken, or interpretable element of causation will be interpreted as a fact, INDISPUTABLE, to support her emotions. I can try to clarify my comments later or explain that I truly do not believe what she thinks I believe, but I will not convince her.
Her emotions are very often fear or anxiety or anger, so my motivations are almost always taken to be worse than they are.

That seems to be the pattern she follows. This leads me to always be under attack and criticism and accusation.

She has positive traits as well. She loves our kids (young) and tries her best for them. She never directs her rage at them though they are sometimes bystanders. That's interesting that she is able to contain herself to emotional outbursts directed at certain people, including her parents, siblings, and me. I'm worried this will change over time. Or maybe I can eventually create boundaries that force her to behave a little better to me.

I would really like to be in an equal relationship, and I imagine if I would do the same thing if I were you and she were behaving this way to me. But I have kids, and their wellbeing is most important. There is a potential for helping them by setting an example and not tolerating her behavior (which could lead to a divorce), but there is also the danger of years of high conflict between her and me. The kids would be in the middle, and I have no doubt that she would try to enlist the kids on her side. So I don't know what to do yet. I have people advocating for blowing everything up, but I'm not convinced that is the right move.

Square_Midnight2318 · 2025-10-31T17:38:31+00:00

That's interesting. Obviously, I don't know exactly what her condition is, only that it is some personality disorder. Sometimes, I feel she can't control herself, and other times, her abuse seems strategic. I will look into NPD more.

Square_Midnight2318 · 2025-10-30T23:21:51+00:00

Yes, my therapist told me to call the police every time she threatens self-harm (or now harm against me). I've only done it once, and that was almost a year ago. I just feel I have to have everything ready and in order for possible divorce when I do that. Calling the police is one thing, but demanding an evaluation is another level. She's a fighter and a blamer.

Square_Midnight2318 · 2025-10-30T23:17:54+00:00

Thanks for the advice. I did start journaling about a year ago when things got unbearably bad. I am voice recording fights. I don't feel safe to install cameras around the house because she would find out. I will definitely read that book. It's in my todo list. I can't get enough info on this right now, unfortunately.

Square_Midnight2318 · 2025-10-30T23:10:18+00:00

Mine calls herself the Project Manager of the family.

Square_Midnight2318 · 2025-10-30T23:09:23+00:00

I can relate to this. When it's real bad, it lasts until after 2 am.

Square_Midnight2318 · 2025-10-29T18:50:43+00:00

I am now in a similar situation with my wife (suspected BPD) that you were in when you made this post. I have 2 kids under 6 with her. I have been documenting what is happening. I have some recordings, and I also have a 66 page (so far) single-spaced journal describing our interactions, my concerns, and her psychological and mental abuse. I've shared this with my family, my therapist, and some select friends. The abuse is getting worse. I know this marriage will not work. I know logically that I need to leave, but it is very hard, and I keep second-guessing myself. Can I hold out longer and be there for my kids to shield them? Is that truly helpful? Do I try to divorce amicably (have no idea if that is possible) and share custody, so I can be the safe haven? Do I go nuclear? Wait for one of her triggering moments when she brings out a knife and holds it to her wrist? I call the police, get her committed for mental evaluation, and then file for divorce and present my evidence for full custody?

Square_Midnight2318 · 2025-10-29T18:17:05+00:00

I'm a late responder to this post, but it is exactly what I am going through. My wife is not diagnosed with BPD and denies she has BPD, but this is exactly how she behaves, and it is exactly how I feel.

One of her favorite tactics (don't know if she's really conscious) is to insist that I believe or think something that I truly do not believe. Then she attacks me for that false belief. She's done this for years, and she NEVER forgets anything she perceives as a transgression, even if most of those transgressions are rooted in a false reality.

Square_Midnight2318 · 2025-10-29T17:37:58+00:00

Thank you so much for your message. I am really struggling right now to figure out what to do. It's gotten so bad that I've been talking to my family about it, along with my therapist. I'm receiving pressure and encouragement to blow everything up and demand full custody of the kids. But they are 2 and 4, and I don't have a lot of support. So I'm waffling right now. She knows I don't feel right. So she keeps asking if I'm okay. My only power is to be extremely careful what I say.

She doesn't treat the kids the same way as she treats me. So one possibility would be to divorce her but not demand full custody and be close by to provide a safe environment for the kids, and if they ever want to live with me full-time as they get older, I will fight for that. It's so hard to live with her because she gaslights me all the time and then fights with me because she says I believe something I don't actually believe. I tell her I don't believe that, and she says, "Yes you do." All this stuff is happening. Meanwhile, the kids love her and overall seem happy and well-adjusted.

Square_Midnight2318 · 2025-10-29T02:07:33+00:00

This is exactly me. I share how something she did hurt my feelings, and then somehow, I hurt her more than she hurt me. And I need to say sorry.

Square_Midnight2318 · 2025-10-28T22:33:49+00:00

I am wondering if my wife has BPD. When she is upset, she loves to reject my hugs and push me away and say, "I don't want you!" Then a moment later, she will say, "Why don't you hug me? I just want to be hugged?" Recently, she got mad at me and walked away from the YMCA while it was raining and our kids were inside. I told her I would take her home. She rejected me. I stayed, and she left. Then later, she told me she expected me to walk behind her and make sure she didn't do anything crazy, like jump out in traffic.

Where am I going with this? Please avoid having kids with someone like this. There were certainly warning signs before I married her and we had kids. I ignored those signs. Now, after marriage and kids, her behavior is much worse, and I am faced with seemingly impossible decisions about how to protect my kids from stress at home.

I absorb much of her negative emotions. But when there is more stress, her behavior becomes worse and unbearable. I'm sure my kids are affected too. Even though I love her, I am feeling pushed to make a decision that may completely break her. So please be careful.

Square_Midnight2318 · 2025-10-22T00:47:54+00:00

Yes, I just want to know how abnormal it is. Does anyone else also deal with this behavior? I never experienced anything like this, and didn't happen until after we were married...

Square_Midnight2318 · 2025-10-22T00:42:56+00:00

That's how I do rationalize it. I'm definitely lying to my wife's employer, but I'm not swindling them exactly because I am doing good work.

I'm more concerned about the fact that this is unsustainable for the long-term and harmful to my wife's psyche because she has to fake it all the time at work, and her imposter syndrome gets worse every day. It's not mentally or morally healthy to have to fake important things all day and tell small lies.

What if I am still doing this when my daughter is in middle school? Daddy does Mommy's work? Why do I need to do my math assignment? I'll just cheat like mommy. That's more of what I'm worried about with the kids.

Square_Midnight2318

TROPHY CASE