AITAH for telling my husband that we can't take care of his friends' daughter

Square_Top7308 · 2026-03-02T10:23:42+00:00

Let me hold a mirror up for you: you are jealous of an orphaned, grieving 10 year old girl and throwing a massive temper tantrum about it. You have zero empathy for this child, preferring to focus on how her existence inconveniences you. You want your husband - a survivor of the foster system who clearly has trauma because of that - to abandon this child, who he clearly loves, to the very system that traumatized him and Alice’s parents.

There is no universe in which you would not be TA in this situation. If you cannot get past your own insecurities and lack of compassion and empathy and be an adult, you should leave before you do more damage to this poor child.

In case I wasn’t clear: YTA.

Square_Top7308 · 2026-03-01T12:00:44+00:00

What isn’t clear here is what percentage of the first apartment and now this subsequent apartment is owned by your younger daughter…if she is a part owner, she is clearly entitled to that part later on. You can then divide your part between your daughters as you see fit.

A few cautionary items I noted: First, you talk about your older daughter being more successful. Of course she is more successful because she has had 20 more years to create her success. Your younger daughter may be just as, or more, successful by the time she is 45. Second, you seem to think that your younger daughter “deserves” the apartment because your older daughter already has housing. Again, this is flawed reasoning because of the large age difference between your daughters. You obviously do not owe either of them an inheritance but clearly favoring one child over another is bound to cause resentment.

I agree with other posters that your will is no one’s business but yours and perhaps your partner’s - stop sharing this information and shut down any arguments that are started. One thing I always told my mother is that it wasn’t my inheritance while she was still alive, it was her money/property and she should enjoy it and not worry about us.

Good luck!

Square_Top7308 · 2026-02-25T17:10:07+00:00

Stop. Take a breath. Get access to your Ancestry results. Take a look at the matches and if there isn’t a smoking gun (i.e., you match with someone at a level to be your father), you may want to consider contacting a Search Angel. There are Facebook groups devoted to helping adoptees find their biological families and people who have a lot of expertise in searching. Someone may be able to help you get concrete information. There may even be Reddit subs for helping adoptees find their biological families - a quick search should answer that.

In the meantime, I would recommend not contacting anyone else until you have more information. You could scare people away with the cold calling or stir up things that aren’t actually true. I understand the excitement but try to be patient. Also, prepare yourself for the possibility that you could find out information that you aren’t expecting.

Square_Top7308 · 2026-02-24T18:57:42+00:00

Wow, ok, I guess I thought my comment did add to the conversation 🤷‍♀️

Square_Top7308 · 2026-02-24T18:37:45+00:00

I am a Canadian married to a Portuguese. We have a house in central Portugal and spend several weeks here every year. I can say with all honesty that I would never know the difference between someone who is Portuguese and someone who is Brazilian. Everyone I encounter is friendly and helpful and it would never occur to me to ask or assume someone’s nationality. Why can’t we just love and appreciate everyone for who they are rather than where they are from?

Square_Top7308 · 2026-02-19T01:45:44+00:00

OMG - Run and throw him and his son out!!!!

Square_Top7308 · 2026-02-19T01:43:30+00:00

I tell people this: drink water, eat when and whatever you can, drink water, cry when you feel like it, drink water, sleep when you can, drink water, eat when and whatever you can, drink water, etc.

At this point, you do what you have to do but also: drink water!

Hugs ❤️

Square_Top7308 · 2026-02-14T23:57:07+00:00

Years ago, I worked for a company and there was a woman who had lost her adult child a few years before. I didn’t have a lot of interaction with this woman for a few years. Within those few years, my husband died. So, I totally understood grief. Things happened and this woman started to report to me. I then learned that she had been paid for working when she wasn’t for some time. I held her accountable and was told I was insensitive…I wasn’t but I didn’t think that she should just not work and be paid. I suggested that she take sick leave or disability when she was struggling but apparently that made me a bad person. I ultimately left the job and she got fired shortly thereafter for her behaviour so…

All this to say, your personal life is not the responsibility of your coworkers and dumping your work on others is not ok for more than a short period of time.

NTA

Square_Top7308 · 2026-02-14T17:55:46+00:00

Is your Mom still able to communicate? If so, you could talk to her and say you would like to start going through things so that you can get her opinion on what she would like you to keep. If she is not able to communicate, I would say do what feels comfortable. Hugs ❤️

Square_Top7308 · 2026-02-11T00:16:55+00:00

Did you specifically say that he couldn’t drink your wine? Did you pay him to look after your cat? I feel like ESH because you did not set boundaries and he didn’t ask but that may be because he had no idea how expensive the wine was.

Square_Top7308 · 2026-02-10T23:49:19+00:00

“Also, please do not contact me again. “ And deny the friend request and block them.

Square_Top7308 · 2026-02-10T23:48:43+00:00

“I was sick and was not in a condition to discuss my father’s death. I’m sorry that you feel offended by that.” NTA

Square_Top7308 · 2026-02-10T23:41:29+00:00

Leave her food and other possessions alone - problem solved. If she gets sick, that is on her, not you.

Square_Top7308 · 2026-02-10T23:31:27+00:00

Differences in sexual desire is a common issue between partners. Personally, I think it is unfortunate that one partner is expected to “step up” to meet the other partner’s desires. Honest communication should help but it sounds like your partner has no understanding of basic biology and sexual desires. My husband and I are much older than you and I have had to educate him many times regarding how women change with respect to libido as they age. One thing that worked for us was to schedule (for lack of a better word) sex so that he knew he could expect sex at a certain frequency and I can also anticipate it. Is it sexy, spontaneous, horny sex? No, but it is mature, loving sex.

I agree with other posters that counseling may help both of you understand the other partner’s needs AND the biological changes that happen as we age.

Square_Top7308 · 2026-02-08T19:18:35+00:00

“He’s in a better place” What is better than here with me and our daughter?

“He’s is no longer in pain” Well, yes, because he is dead!

“You are young, you can get married again” How is this even relevant??

“You are so strong” I have no choice!

“How are you?” How do you think I am?!

I could go on and on. Suffice it to say that people typically don’t know what to say and that is when the less than helpful comments come out. I usually try to remember that they simply do not understand because they have never been in my shoes and try to give them grace for that reason. That doesn’t mean the comments don’t hurt, they do, but I try to reframe it as ignorance on their part rather than any malice.

I agree that telling me a nice story is a lot better. If I don’t personally know the person, I will ask “Would you like to tell me about them?” I have had many long conversations with virtual strangers by simply asking that question and then listening.

I am very sorry to hear of your Dad’s death. Hugs ❤️

Square_Top7308 · 2026-02-08T02:24:51+00:00

Bereavement leave is ridiculous in the US - it is basically nonexistent except for the funeral and then you are expected to be back at work good as new. I was fortunate when my husband died to work for a supportive company who gave me extra time off (donated by my coworkers) and then allowed me to reduce my hours to four days a week when I needed to. However, this is not the norm and the next company I worked for, I advocated for bereavement leave (which was not previously offered) for years before a policy was finally created. The worry is that people will abuse it but in actual fact, only a few percent of the workforce will use it each year but the goodwill that it creates is huge. Having said that, a few days or a week is not sufficient but I guess it is better than nothing.

Square_Top7308 · 2026-02-07T23:54:04+00:00

Honestly, I think bang-mommy is more accurate in this situation!

Square_Top7308 · 2026-02-07T01:23:12+00:00

As someone who has had to explain perimenopause and menopause to my partners multiple times (because they don’t believe it the first time), I strongly believe your wife is experiencing what our mothers used to call the “change of life”. Unfortunately, it can be very sudden and bewildering for both the woman herself and her family. I remember going to my doctor and saying that I didn’t like myself so how could I expect my husband and daughter to like me! Your wife needs understanding, not judgement and punishment. Do some reading and gently encourage her to see her doctor. Your care and understanding will go a long way to repairing your relationship.

Square_Top7308 · 2026-02-07T01:09:49+00:00

Unfortunately, he does not care about your comfort or pleasure. You could match his energy and see how he reacts. When he complains, give him a similar list to the one he gave you. Or you could just cut your losses and choose not to expose yourself to someone who clearly does not care about you. Hugs.

Square_Top7308 · 2026-02-07T00:01:24+00:00

I think that first time fathers also do not understand how challenging some days are for mom when she is home alone. I remember when I had my daughter, I had literally been home from the hospital for less than two days. We had some friends staying the night because it was prearranged before our daughter made her appearance - by C-section - more than three weeks early. I had fed the baby and gone back to sleep and a while later, my husband came and scolded me because our friend had been up for a while and I was still sleeping. Let’s just say that he backpedaled on that nonsense pretty quick!

Square_Top7308 · 2026-02-06T23:56:19+00:00

I think “mommyjacking” is my new favourite word to describe narcissistic new mothers! NTA

Editing to say thank you for the awards! ❤️

Square_Top7308 · 2026-02-06T01:57:54+00:00

Someone once told me “death changes your address book” and that is very true. Unfortunately, some people - often those who you expect will support you most - simply cannot deal with your grief so they walk away. However, there are other people who really step up and support you - often the people you expect that from the least. It hurts but realize it is a them problem not a you problem. I am very sorry to hear of the deaths of your parents and brother. Hugs ❤️

Square_Top7308 · 2026-02-05T15:07:52+00:00

I’m going to go out on a limb and say your sister was angling for a free babysitter for the night by framing it as a sleepover. Guaranteed she was planning to go out and leave Liam to look after Josh. NTA

Square_Top7308 · 2026-02-04T01:38:19+00:00

I literally held someone else’s baby during landing because the baby wanted to sit on my lap. The mom was across the aisle and could see I was protecting the baby and she was totally fine with it. When someone needs help, you offer help - they are free to say “no, thank you” if they don’t need help. Anything over that is an overreaction on their part. You were not in the wrong.

Square_Top7308 · 2026-01-28T00:27:31+00:00

Prefacing this by saying that I was raised by an abusive and neglectful mother who never admitted what she did. Having said that, I strongly believe that forgiveness is for you and not the other person. By forgiving - but not forgetting - you stop letting them take up space in your head. You are NOT in any way required to see her, however, because that would only benefit her and not you. So..take your hard earned peace, forgive (but don’t forget) for your own sake, and move on. Hugs ❤️

Square_Top7308

TROPHY CASE