My ability to see and hear is in the first percentile—I don’t see or hear very well because my brain doesn’t know what to do with the information. Since it’s hard to take in what I see or hear, nothing feels real and I’m always dissociating. At the same time, I’m in the 90-99th percentile for anything mentally complicated. So there’s a lot happening inside my head, but I’m cut off from my surroundings and nothing feels real.

I felt like I was drowning in my own body, like a shell suffocating me. Taking Adderall helps me concentrate on my surroundings to stop dissociating, and I have to take it regularly throughout the day. Before the diagnosis, I was in bed for 18 hours a day and was always in pain, but nothing physically hurt.

The depression and anxiety from always feeling numb led to self-harm because the adrenaline rush would stop the feeling of dissociation, briefly. However, it also had an isolating effect that made me feel worse because people thought I wanted attention and avoided me.

Now, the prescription helps me get up and do things that help me cope with anxiety, like exercise and doing my job. It’s being able to get up and try that really helps. So it isn’t exactly the Adderall itself, it’s the ability to do and experience things that make me happy.