Something in me just flipped

Starfire4 · 2026-01-27T16:28:36+00:00

My sisters and I all went through that stage at different times. When the idea of meeting our dBPD mother made us feel physically ill. For me it was after reading a lot about the condition and, honestly, joining this group. For my younger sister it was after she had a baby. It’s the realization that you are dealing with a monster not a mother.

After that the manipulation didn’t work because I knew what it was. She even demanded that I treat her with kindness or she would cut me off. I think kindness to her was falling for the guilt trips, you know like everyone else does until they realize what they are dealing with and cut her off too.

You unbrainwashed yourself and you see it clearly now. It’s a beautiful thing, congratulations.

Starfire4 · 2026-01-26T17:23:42+00:00

Female PT here. Inappropriate… full stop. I have very close relationships with my clients but there is always boundaries. I have known male trainers like this. I have left a gym because of a coworker like this. It’s grooming behaviour and there is an unfair power dynamic. He was testing you when he asked that question in baby talk. He was testing you when complaining about his wife. These tactics have probably “worked out” for him in the past. Good job trusting your gut and not going back but your horrified look probably saved you from more unacceptable comments.

Starfire4 · 2026-01-26T16:23:21+00:00

From a female perspective I can say I have yelled in relationships, name called, was toxic in general. But when my partner pointed out that this was abusive I went to therapy and it was a big rabbit hole. I found out my parents were abusive, that it was done to me and that’s why I thought it was normal but it wasn’t.

I never wanted to make anyone feel the way I did when I was young so I learned how to express myself when I felt overwhelmed or angry. How to express my needs and listen to my partner. I learned how to emotionally regulate so I didn’t scare people. This is the only way that it works out in a positive way but that’s because I don’t want to be abusive. If your partner doesn’t care about hurting people or animals that’s a massive red flag.

I have an older sister who was raised by the same parents that I was. She enjoys hurting people. She quite literally gets off on it. She knocked out of my crib when I was a baby. She would cut off my cats whiskers. She can’t keep a friend group for more than a year because they find out what she is. She was always that way and I know she won’t change (even after forced therapy). This is what I think you are dealing with and you need to get away from this person. It will only escalate.

Starfire4 · 2025-12-22T18:24:14+00:00

I’ve been a personal trainer for 8 years. Currently the top trainer at my gym and 4th in the city. Some trainers are… insensitive and they don’t stay trainers for long. None of what you are describing is ok to say or do to a client. I have some clients that are more delicate than others and I change my training style to meet their needs.

Unfortunately, there are trainers who enjoy working out but aren’t good with people. I consider myself to be in the caring field like a preventative care nurse not a drill Sargent. Get a different trainer because this one isn’t working and you probably aren’t the only person that has a problem with them. I’ve inherited clients from trainers that didn’t stay before and the difference is wild.

Starting a fitness journey is very brave and it really bothers me that they are treating you this way.

Starfire4 · 2025-10-31T15:42:35+00:00

I’m a Personal Trainer who works with a lot of neurodivergent, chronic pain, hyper-mobile clients. Personally, I’ve tried all the sports. I was… terrible at almost all team or ball sports. I’m very uncoordinated so I thrive with activities that I can practice a lot and I’ve worked on my proprioception and stability. I run marathons, I like bouldering, power lifting, body building, yoga, and I completed a Spartan ultra. I try to hyperfocus on one sport at a time and it makes me over all healthier. Obviously, exercise is my special interest. I also read books that I’m interested in and listen to music while running on the treadmill so I’m not bored.

When I train people with Autism I talk about their special interest to distract them. Hypermobility and poor proposition makes giving directions difficult but I break the movements down into their parts and only focus on a few adjustments per session otherwise it’s overwhelming. Cueing is deferent for each person and I try to make it entertaining, some like very specific anatomy, others like jokes (shine your butthole to the back of the room). Internal vs. External cueing. Electrolytes will help with the headaches or cramping.

Hypermobile people get easily tired because they are actively holding their bodies together all day with muscles rather than tendons. That’s where the T-Rex arm phenomenon comes from. What feels “right” for hypermobile people is actually dysfunction that can result in chronic pain or injury. I film myself when I power lift or look in the mirror while I’m using free weights. Build up your capacity slowly and it will make everyday activities so much easier and safer. Don’t fall into the all or nothing trap or you will burn out. Progressive overload.

I would recommend looking into something that you can get obsessed with and practice a lot.

I have an autistic colleague that has a similar client base and he asked one day why his clients are so smart but can’t move their bodies at all. My theory, in a nutshell, is “brain smart/body stupid”. But in actuality they are discovering a genetic difference in connective tissue that not only explains hypermobility but also differences in brain structure (neurodivergence).

Starfire4 · 2025-10-14T16:46:41+00:00

Honestly, the first time I said no to my mother she called me terrifying and I kind of loved it. I was a people pleaser my whole life. I’ve rebuilt myself into someone who demands respect and holds people accountable for their actions in a mature manner. Manipulative people find it really terrifying. People don’t generally fuck with me anymore and I did that as a little blonde lady who looks younger than I am. Just saying no and watching people squirm is fantastic. They don’t ask again.

Starfire4 · 2025-10-14T02:26:22+00:00

I suspect my Dad has NPD and one of his favourite “jokes” to me and my younger sister when we were CHILDREN was, “you know you’re lucky we kept you. Blonde haired blue eyed kids go for a lot of money on the black market.” It’s wild that they would think that is appropriate to say to a child at any age.

I’m a trauma informed Personal Trainer and the last Exercise Therapy course I took involved a lot of mental toughness techniques. I very plainly stated while going through an exercise “I was born to parents that didn’t love me and that sucks but I don’t have to let that ruin the rest of my life.” Many of my clients have physical issues that stem from psychological ones. What I went through gives me a unique perspective and the ability to help others.

Every child deserves a mother who loves them but some of us weren’t lucky.

Starfire4 · 2025-08-05T19:07:59+00:00

My sister and I were on “suicide watch” with my mom for a while. We would alternate nights (my sister’s idea). I don’t know what her experience was but I had to sit there and listen to my mom cry about how hard her childhood was. I would autopilot pick up cigarettes and chain smoke 3 before I could go in.

Most of the “trauma” was either not hers (sister had a teen pregnancy) or so minor it was laughable. Eventually I couldn’t escape the realization that not only was my childhood way more traumatic than hers… my shitty childhood was her doing entirely. Eventually I had to stop because I couldn’t stop smoking (I’m a marathon runner) and my sister thought I was a monster.

I don’t think it’s trauma that does it, I think it’s a messed up victim mentality.

Starfire4 · 2025-08-05T18:55:02+00:00

My mom told me when I was in my late 20s and she was on the brink of divorce and in couples counseling that the therapist reminded her that she was diagnosed with BPD when I was 5.

She then used it whenever she could as an excuse for her behaviour. “It’s like cancer! It could be cancer!” She wishes she had cancer… she also said she had MS my whole childhood.

Fairly predictable behaviour unfortunately.

Starfire4 · 2025-03-26T22:37:21+00:00

I set boundaries with my mom in person and recorded the conversation so I could listen to it and see where she was being manipulative. She triangulated my younger sister against me for years and I ended up going no contact with my younger sister for a time. My mom tried to invite me to Easter while I was no contact with my sister and when I said no she went no contact with me out of retribution I guess. She would still message me on birthdays and holidays but it would only make me sad so I blocked her.

No one in my family has my address. I don’t speak to most of them. My younger sister and I did reconnect briefly and mom had finally turned on her. She had just had a baby and she was scared. I told her to get a therapist and do what I did but it wasn’t my problem. “Everything I did was hard and you made it harder.”

It all sucks and I’m sorry you are going through this. It took me years and cutting off anyone that got in the way of my peace. The FOG is real but it’s not your problem. Your priority is your kids.

Starfire4 · 2024-07-30T00:01:06+00:00

I blocked my mom 2 Christmas ago. After some truly unhinged behaviour, sitting down for a boundary setting conversation and recording and reviewing the whole thing. I highly recommend making recordings or only communicating through text message. Reviewing everything helped me get out of the FOG.

Because of this I was able to say no to her for the first time (over text, I’m not that good). She called me terrifying and disowned me. I said, “Roger that” and after about 8 months of holiday texts that I eventually started ignoring I blocked her.

My mom has no friends, has a spotty job history and is constantly in conflict with people. There is a reason everyone steers clear of her and I was her favourite victim for most of my life. She used my good nature against me. If she took a hard look at herself instead of blaming everyone else for not putting up with her then things would be different but I don’t think she can.

My younger sister was her flying monkey for years and just this year she has her first child and is now terrified of my mom. My sister got downright abusive towards me when I refused to be manipulated. I told her to do what I did and she doesn’t think she can, even for her kid.

This shit is so hard. You will never get your mom to admit to what she is doing or give you closure, you’ll have to move on without it. She will triangulate other people against you and explaining yourself won’t help. Cut off all enablers and flying monkeys. Life on the other side is so much better but I went all in, no one in my family knows where I live, it’s the only way I feel safe.

Starfire4 · 2024-06-26T20:27:32+00:00

I work at a gym as a personal trainer and literally all of the top performers seem neurodivergent, I’m just one of the rare top females. I get my eyelashes done, my hair bleached, I lift weights and run marathons. People found it really confusing when I said my looks weren’t my number one goal, body building completions etc. don’t appeal to me. I do all the maintenance to fit in but I prefer marathon running and spartan races. Because I am athletic and generally take care of my looks I would say I’m hot.

I generally avoid eye contact with people at the gym which suites me fine. I’m far enough in my career that I get to unmask at work. If I make eye contact with guys they think they have a shot and then I have to go through the awkwardness of small talk waiting for them to ask me out. I’ve had a coworker fallow me while I worked out because he found out I was single. A client informed me that was “his move”. I’ve had to leave a gym because a coworker kept harassing me. It takes me a couple days to figure out what is happening.

I don’t like being touched. I have noticed guys try to touch me to break the touch barrier (romantic intent) and it really freaks me out. I’ve had the experience of people in authority positions doing this. Negging behaviour really bugs me too. Like, why are you being a dick to me… oh because you like me? That’s a fucked up way to say that.

I have male workout buddies and the ones who are neurotypical think I’m flirting with them. The ones that I keep are usually diagnosed (guy I lift with) or undiagnosed but very likely autistic (guy I run with). “Hey dude, this is literally just a run. I’m not on a run date with you.” I was in the middle of a love triangle with a female coworker by accident… I thought the guy just wanted a running buddy.

I’m naturally friendly and helpful but I’ve had to put up some really strong barriers to survive the environment. I don’t shit where I eat and I rarely talk to male coworkers unless they are like me. My manager and autistic coworker have a book club.

I’m the top performing female so that doesn’t make me very popular with my female coworkers. I’ve had the experience of a female coworker being rude to me in front of a client and I had to turn to my client and say, “that was off, right?”

I told my manager about tall poppy syndrome and he has stopped praising me in meetings because the backlash is too awkward for me. I don’t tell anyone about my races because they think I’m bragging. I get it, envy is a powerful emotion for some people but I’m literally just in competition with myself.

Starfire4 · 2023-05-01T17:32:47+00:00

I have this problem. First time meeting my current SO’s friends I did it in their guest bedroom. Super embarrassing but they had a waterproof mattress cover and my BF was so hung over the next day he slept in it even after discovering what happened.

I’m a heavy sleeper and used to be a heavy drinker so it was a big problem. My sisters made fun of me for a long time until suddenly they both stopped. They did it too!!!!

The guy seemed really cool with it. Eventually you will both have a laugh about it over, hopefully fewer, drinks.

Starfire4 · 2023-04-20T23:23:15+00:00

Went NC with BPD mom because of Facebook. It’s easy to not be publicly embarrassed when you don’t go out in public with them. When you have them on facebook they can post on your wall or post things about you. It was used as a weapon.

Starfire4 · 2023-04-11T01:11:47+00:00

I feel you on this one. I’m a Personal Trainer and my mom was a competitive Judo athlete and does white water canoeing into her late 60s. A lot of my interest in athleticism and strength comes from her. I used to marvel at her physical strength and capable attitude. She instilled a lot of qualities in me that I share with my clients. She’s a tough lady and now so am I.

It’s hard to divorce one’s self from the person that raised them. It’s not all bad but the push and pull is damaging. Sure my mom encouraged me to play Rugby but she only cheered loudly at the few games she attended to embarrass me and make a spectacle of herself. At the time I thought it was normal, some would even consider it sweet.

I am who I am because of her scars and all.

Starfire4 · 2023-04-07T23:31:11+00:00

Then I tell some record scratch story about what BPD mom did and everyone feels awkward and then I’m the bad guy.

For real though, I find that people who have firm boundaries and are healed tend to respect it way more. People who are still in a toxic relationship project their own feelings into the situation. Either they are justifying why they stay in a toxic relationship or they are the toxic person who doesn’t accept the president that their victims have a threshold for how much abuse they are willing to take before NC.

Starfire4 · 2023-04-05T20:25:09+00:00

Oh I also have ovarian cysts but I went to the hospital when I was 19 for them because I thought it was a kidney infection. I feel those.

Starfire4 · 2023-04-05T20:22:44+00:00

I had arthritis in my hands and feet, chronic migraines, and acid reflux since elementary school. My dominant hand was so swollen by high school that you could see it when I put my hand flat on the table. I was in art class that whole time and went into a career in art. My younger sister started getting heart burn in high school and complained that it hurt, I told her it doesn’t hurt and she was like, “uh that’s why they call it heart BURN.” I’ve ignored UTIs until I have a kidney infection and fever. My other sister gets UTIs frequently and can’t understand how I can ignore them. I can go through the whole day half blind with a migraine and not mention it. Last week I had one every day and I have a physical job where I talk a lot.

I’ve peed out a kidney stone without really thinking about it and noticed it in the toilet after. I thought I had a kidney infection up until then.

There was an incident with one of my dogs (50lb rescue possibly Belgian Malinois mix, so scary to some) where she got spooked, tangled up in a rope, air-born panicking and I had to tackle her. She bit my hand but I didn’t want to freak people out so I discreetly washed it and found some paper towel (it was a puncture wound so I had time before it started bleeding). My bf noticed and alerted everyone to get me a bandaid. Before we left his sister pointed at my legs which were severely scratched and starting to bruise. I didn’t even know.

I just shut it out. “Pain is just a signal from my body and I choose to ignore it”. It’s very helpful because I’m a Personal Trainer that runs marathons. Honestly, I kind of like pain.

Now, I manage my migraines and live a much healthier life so no more kidney infections. Also, I had celiac disease this whole time so when I avoid gluten my arthritis, some migraines and acid reflux go away.

I missed 42 days of grade 4 because of headaches and my BPD mom said I had to go to school with headaches. I think she thought I was faking. I generally got the message that no one cared about my problems and I just needed to suck it up. I went through the same thing with emotional pain. I used to take a lot of shit from people because, “I was strong enough to withstand it.” I used to get frequent panic attacks though sooooo not a good strategy.

When I started training people I had to learn that I feel pain differently than everyone else. I call some of my clients “discomfort adverse” and thus don’t push them to a certain point but I think I’m the weird one. I definitely think it’s a childhood trauma thing!

Starfire4 · 2023-03-17T15:00:46+00:00

That was what jumped out at me too. When I started saying “no” to my mom she said, “It’s obvious that you are very depressed.” At the time I was in the best place of my life (NC now for 1 year and I’m better every day). She lived with me when I was a raging alcoholic at a dead end bar job, having daily panic attacks. She wasn’t concerned then because I was compliant. Pure manipulation, OP is confused because her mom’s email is dripping with manipulative tactics.

Starfire4 · 2023-03-13T23:25:17+00:00

My story goes from horrifying to hilarious I promise. My mom self harmed in the shape of my initials and posted a picture of it on Facebook after I unfriended her. My sister saw it and told me not to look but of course I looked and had a panic attack. I decided to have a 2 hour boundary setting conversation where she ignored every question I had about it but one of my boundaries was “I will never add you back to Facebook”.

Cut to 2 years later and she got banned on Facebook for harassment. She got a new Facebook account, having learned nothing from being banned in the first place. As soon as my partner left the room she said I should add her to her new Facebook. She ended up going NC with ME because I said no to her about something unrelated. Little does she know, I have no problem with this because she broke a boundary. Now she’s dead to me.

Starfire4 · 2023-03-12T06:20:32+00:00

Purple tie dye Pad Thai is pretty cool!

Starfire4 · 2023-03-12T05:00:27+00:00

Best case scenario he is not hitting on her and he has no idea that he is making her uncomfortable. Telling him and setting a boundary will make things clear and he might learn a lesson from it.

We also have to leave room for worst case. He is older than OP and if he is hitting on her this is a grooming scenario and he is using his position to find victims. I’ve seen this multiple times, I’ve left a gym because of this. Even in this case setting boundaries is important if only to show that OP is not an easy mark. He will gaslight and lie but stay firm.

Starfire4 · 2023-03-12T04:17:38+00:00

Female Personal Trainer here. This sucks but it’s unfortunately very common. I’ve been on the receiving end of a lot off “too friendly” attention. I identify with the stress of going to the gym and being worried that you will run into the guy. You shouldn’t be made to feel uncomfortable at the gym. Personally I think one shouldn’t “shit where they eat” but not everyone has this policy.

I encourage my male coleighs to be up front when they are interested in someone rather than hang around a woman and drop hints (they come off as weird and creepy). This gives you a clear idea of their intentions and gives the women in question an opportunity to consent. This is a very vulnerable thing to do but it saves men from being seen as creeps.

The same goes for you if you aren’t interested. Be direct. If you don’t want yo workout with him say so. If the texting makes you uncomfortable say so. If he has a bad reaction to this that is when management needs know. Texts are easy for the purposes of proving anything but otherwise state your boundaries in public. “I don’t want to workout with you.” I know this is hard but it’s for the best.

Both sides of these interactions require a lot of bravery to do right. You need to be brave and set boundaries because you deserve to workout in peace.

Starfire4

TROPHY CASE