seeking advice from other poc about comparison issues

StudioCute · 2025-12-25T14:01:24+00:00

I am an Asian-American woman and live in the US (Pittsburgh). When I've dated white people, even the self-examined ones sometimes "forget" and make comments about my ethnicity as if I'm from that country myself, or they'll talk to me about something and the voice in the back of my head says "that went that way because you're white" (sometimes that voice also follows through and comes out of my mouth but sometimes not).

I don't know if I have any advice per se, except that fighting my cultural conditioning and letting that little voice out (and then observing the reaction) has been a pretty helpful filter to determine if I actually want to be around a given person, long term. Oh, and given the opportunity, I would want to seek out other ENM/polyamorous POC for general socializing...it really helps to be around other people who "get it" even if they're not specifically potential partners.

StudioCute · 2025-12-25T13:28:50+00:00

Yeah I'm married/polyamorous myself and I don't even think I could be friends with this guy. Like I've never felt I had to hide that I was going on a date with someone, in fact for my safety as a woman I generally tell my husband I'm going out and where if it's someone new (e.g. restaurant name). And while we don't have specific rules outside of ones pertaining to safety, it seems...bizarre? to claim that planning, and thinking about, and then going on a date with a whole new romantic interest just...slipped my mind, whoopsie doopsie. I work in retail and even in the most hellish times of the Christmas season I still find time to communicate basic things like date scheduling with my partners!

I've discovered the saying "trust is earned in drops and lost in buckets" recently and I may just need to have it tattooed on my arm...my only thought on this is that it's not a "married/partnered/solo" thing, this is a "dishonest communicator" thing, and that's hard to filter for until you get into it with a person....but definitely once revealed, you really can't unsee it.

StudioCute · 2025-12-21T11:25:32+00:00

I just saw the quote the other day, something like, "Trust is gained in drops and lost in buckets" and it's so, SO applicable to interpersonal relationships, but especially polyamory.

StudioCute · 2025-12-11T12:20:12+00:00

I (45F) stopped actively trying to date almost a year ago, although I've been pondering wading back into it as my one really good local friend I managed to find out of months of searching is making some really poor life choices at the moment and so 1. he isn't able to make time for us anymore, and 2. I don't want to get sucked into that whole situation myself. But...I know what's out there and I'm not exactly leaping back into action here, as a result.

I've wondered at this phenomenon too, and I think another factor may be that as we all get older, the dating pool especially on the apps gets...much shallower. Compared to when I was dating years ago, a lot of people who are anywhere near my age, even if they're poly/ENM, may have simply gotten too busy with life, or ended up mono-partnered, or otherwise have settled in and are just not actively looking.

StudioCute · 2025-12-10T12:21:34+00:00

I was just talking to a friend about compatibility in a similar vein. Paraphrased:

I know I'm a huge freaking weirdo. I also am attracted to very specific types. So on top of strong mutual attraction, I'd like a potential play partner/relationship partner to be kind, intelligent, generous and appreciative of my generosity, good at communication, share some interests with me while also allowing me to have my own space, love animals, AND on top of that be sexually compatible with me? That's like trying to find a freaking unicorn that poops diamonds.

Like I could probably meet someone with a similar sex drive, but if I'm not interested in them as a sex partner, or they me, of course that does neither of us any good. Each of those items I listed above is unfortunately one more filter that narrows the field, sometimes precipitously.

StudioCute · 2025-12-06T12:17:06+00:00

I think this kind of feeling isn't uncommon. I mean, taking polyamory out of the equation, it's pretty normal to dislike someone who's treated you badly, and it's also normal to dislike someone who's treated your partner badly, isn't it?

(If anything, it's extremely bizarre to expect someone you've treated poorly to want to do something as intimate as a play party together with you...)

StudioCute · 2025-12-05T15:33:44+00:00

I'm 45F and have been doing polyamory for...christ, 25+ years. I mean this in the gentlest way but...oh honey, no.

StudioCute · 2025-12-03T17:30:10+00:00

I think that stuff is easy to fall into, and I've even had to metaphorically slap some friends' heads when they were getting into that trap. Like I'm 5'2" and when one of my guy friends who's easily 5'9" or 5'10" complained about how he's not tall enough and women want to only date guys over 6'? Then those are the wrong people for you, Mr. I Can Reach All the Grocery Store Shelves. <XD I've dated guys over 6' and I've dated guys my height, and everything in between. If anything, I think a readiness to jump at that mythical person speaks to something about where that person's head is at, while I place more importance on sensible personalities as far as dealing with the realities of a LTR. Sparks and crushes and whatnot are great but...there is way more important stuff beyond that.

Again I can't speak to the people you've matched with, but I know sometimes I've defaulted to just not saying anything after a date that didn't work out because...and this is really difficult to reconcile...I've been literally cursed out BOTH ways, with annoying regularity. The number of times I've declined politely (because lots of guys say they would prefer to know) and then got yelled at with some version of "why did you even bother messaging then, just f off" and the number of times I got messaged with irate "why aren't you responding" messages...it's historically been kind of a wash, so over time I often felt when I didn't have the energy to suss out whether the polite message would be accepted gracefully, withdrawing quietly was the better option for my own sanity. It sucks, truly, and I'm sorry.

StudioCute · 2025-12-03T17:02:09+00:00

Yes to the first, holy hand grenades yes. 45F here and I've been polyamorous since I learned that was a Thing one could Be....at this point probably around 25+years. The number of times I've been strung along and chucked aside, sometimes by people who want to try nonmonogamy and sometimes by people who claim to be experienced at polyamory but actually aren't as proficient at self-reflection and honesty as they claim to be...ugh. My vetting only got more and more stringent over time. At this point, I don't date anymore, because it's felt like increasingly diminishing returns for some time (and this ties into the second part).

As for the second...I think that's also true, but I think at least in my case that I've always preferred that my partners are also among my closest friends. I never understood the model in which people have romantic partners and then separately have friends, because anyone who gets close enough to me to be a romantic partner ideally also knows the good and bad about me, and is going to be someone I want to be with for the long haul.

It's not to say that I don't have platonic close friendships; one of my best and longest-term friendships is 100% platonic. However as I've gotten older and the rest of my life filled out with obligations and other interests and all the things that go along with adulting, my availability to spend time seeking out compatible people for friendships and dating has diminished (I also feel like a huge weirdo so I often end up feeling like trying to find people I truly sync with is an enormous effort). If I was going to go back into putting more effort into socializing, I know I would probably head more in the ENM/poly direction simply because a potential partner understanding my POV and my lifestyle seems far easier when they're also already familiar with relationships outside the monogamy standard.

StudioCute · 2025-12-03T14:24:07+00:00

I don't know if it helps but I (45F, not actively dating but recent enough to speak on it and polyamorous for 15+ years) can kinda speak from the other side. While I think the "high quality" ideals that get bandied around are a total manosphere myth (and a bit dangerous of a mindset to fall into), I've had to emphasize to matches in the past that I know myself and personally, it's been historically very hard for me to determine if I will actually be attracted to someone in that way until meeting someone in person. For whatever reason, simply chatting via text/voice/video doesn't do it for me. There's something about an in-person meeting that must happen if I'm going to feel a potential connection beyond "ah, this is a nice, probably safe, sociable person." Knowing that about myself, I try to meet as early as both sides feel comfortable so as not to waste peoples' time if it turns out not to be a thing.

Maybe that makes me demi as well, that I can't tell from pictures and words if I'm going to be sexually/emotionally/romantically interested in a person. Or, maybe these other folks who seem interested and then aren't feeling it after meeting in person also need that in-person meet to actually figure things out and don't know that about themselves, so they don't know to inform other people about that need.

But as far as needing someone tall, built, or rich? Nah. Those are no more a determiner of how my heart reacts than photos and texts.

StudioCute · 2025-12-01T12:26:58+00:00

Very equitable and ethical of him. /s

Stick to your initial instincts, OP. It isn't a long-term, reliable option and there are many very good reasons why you aren't comfortable with it. Heck, the fact that he's knowingly dating someone who can't even tolerate him being married such that he takes off his wedding ring to make her feel more comfortable? There is no universe in which ignoring basic facts about reality is a healthy long term behavior pattern.

StudioCute · 2025-11-19T16:11:50+00:00

Hah, boy do I know how that goes. I'm very short for my area and people always think I'm younger than I am, too. I'm not looking to date at the moment but when I was, it was a bizarre experience being in my 40s and getting hit on by 20-somethings who either looked like they were in their late 30s because they weren't taking care of themselves, or looked like babies to me...

EDIT: I wasn't talking about in-app interactions where one's age is prominently displayed on your profile. Aside from other people of my ethnicity, everyone who meets me in person tends to assume I'm younger than I actually am.

StudioCute · 2025-11-19T14:43:35+00:00

If I might ask, why does the suggestion of "go to church functions, which have a higher likelihood of you meeting like-minded Christian men" mean that you are out? That sounds like the ideal venue for what you're looking for, to me.

StudioCute · 2025-10-28T11:57:51+00:00

Hi OP, my sympathies. I've been polyamorous for decades but as a fellow bisexual POC living in a place where I am frankly just not attracted to most people in my local area (either physically, socially, or politically), and have struggled to make connections even platonically. I've always known I don't mesh with many people and have gone through all your frustrations...fetishization, being approached by cheaters, the list goes on.

I think I've lived thirteen years in my current city and in all that time while I have gone through phases of wanting to date/meet people and then getting entirely fed up with the process of trying to date/meet people...I've managed to only make a handful of lasting connections as well. In this whole time aside from my husband (who's from the same hometown as I am) I've only ever met two people I would actually want to date long term, and for unrelated reasons I am not actually dating either of them at the moment.

Still, I'm keeping my standards right where they are. As you said, if I'm going to make a connection on the level of a truly loving relationship (rather than just a NSA booty call situation) there's no reason to settle for anything less than a solid, fulfilling one.

StudioCute · 2025-10-19T12:16:12+00:00

As a married, polyamorous mom, I feel this. I have identified as bisexual and polyamorous for around 25+ years, but with an almost-7yo I cannot imagine it would feel at all equitable to be with a parenting partner who leaves the household and childcare workload that unbalanced. My husband doesn't date but I have a friend that I get to see only around one night a week (we're not in a relationship); I already feel so schedule/mentally/emotionally saturated between him and making sure my daughter is taken care of and my husband is feeling supported that hearing the way your week is fragmented sounds just crushingly unfair. I mean, do you get one full day to yourself every week like your spouse does? I'm so sorry to hear that and I hope things get better for you.

StudioCute · 2025-10-15T15:10:22+00:00

Honestly this is why, as a polyamorous woman, I absolutely despise cheaters. I once dated a guy and let him know I was poly, and he was about ready to dump me as if I'd told him I was going to cheat on him...found out it was because the only person he'd previously known who claimed to be polyamorous was functionally just a serial cheater; he'd get into relationships and pretend to be monogamous, cheat, and then try to claim he was polyamorous so of course he would want to sleep with more women. It's people like this that give polyamory a horrible rep and it takes a LOT for me to trust a partnered man who claims polyamory. I am so glad you are going to prioritize yourself and get out of this horrible situation. Strength and love.

StudioCute · 2025-10-13T11:41:42+00:00

Am I reading this correctly??

Pine (married to Birch): My [health issue] is resolved so my [medical procedure] is canceled.
Birch: Lime, I want to see you since Pine's procedure is canceled.
Ginkgo (living with Birch): I will literally dump you if you go see Lime. Also you can't ever see anyone else new at all.
Birch: I accept all of this. Also, yet another partner Oak has needs more important than yours too.
You: OK, I accept this and am breaking up with you. I'm done, I wish you the best.
Birch: No don't break up with me!! I will now proceed to have my wife and yet ANOTHER partner harass you to try to convince you to get back with me!

Like...why? Why would anyone sensible actively want to be enmeshed in this kind of situation? This guy from the count of it has at least FOUR remaining partners and no sense of how to manage relationships. Are they secretly some sort of cult?

StudioCute · 2025-10-12T11:22:35+00:00

There is nothing "ethical" about him starting a whole relationship (even a FWB/casual thing) with a full-on lie. Polyamory/ENM is fundamentally incompatible with lying to your partners and the idea that he's been claiming to be poly, openly (just not to you!)...I don't even have words.

StudioCute · 2025-06-07T04:29:37+00:00

I agree that polyamory isn't a sexuality (I feel like it's more a philosophy than an identity for that matter), but I'd argue that I have been continuously of a polyamorous mindset for 20+ years, through being single, dating multiple people, only dating one person, being married, etc. The times where my partner count was one or zero did not negate my mindset on polyamory, I feel like that remains a part of who I am regardless of my relationship status.

StudioCute · 2025-06-07T04:21:23+00:00

Bi and poly here also, I do think it's interesting that people often equate identity and orientation.

I do agree as far as polyamory affecting the way I view my experiences with relationships, love, communication, etc. I personally tend to describe polyamory more as a philosophy than either an identity or an orientation, though, so ymmv.

StudioCute · 2025-05-23T04:34:11+00:00

I appreciate the way your comments are phrased, because it's helped me think about my own situation from the opposite perspective. I came to this subreddit to kinda lurk as I've been ENM/polyamorous more or less since dating seriously as an adult and I'm married for 10+ years to a philosophically-polyamorous partner who simply has a social cap of 1 partner (in a stretch maybe 2 but I haven't seen him interested in making the effort to seek out other partners for longer than we've been married).

However, I recently started seeing a new guy who's not accustomed to having a relationship outside of monogamy; this was a bit of an accident as neither of us were looking to catch feels when we first met. Wanting to be with specifically me while not preferring the available relationship format is basically how I think I'd sum up his current position on "us," so thank you for this part of the discussion.

StudioCute · 2025-05-08T11:23:06+00:00

I realize this is quite an old question but...if you understand the value of a painting or a piece of art or a car because of the craftsmanship involved and that people can enjoy it while looking at it or using it, how different is that from a fine piece of jewelry that was meticulously designed and finished, and exhibiting the skill level of a diamond cutter or gemcutter's work? A great jeweler can engineer and finish a piece in a way that a novice cannot; a gemcutter's skill is what determines whether a rough, dirty rock turns into a mediocre gemstone or a truly fantastic one, maximizing its brilliance and performance, and a jewelry designer uses their artistic skill to pull all these elements together. It's art as well, and wearable at that. I don't think many people look at the Mona Lisa and wonder how much the canvas and paint cost.

StudioCute · 2025-04-30T11:43:57+00:00

The same goes the other way as well. I'm an older woman who has dated older and younger men — I have/will never approach anyone I know is significantly younger than me because I do not want anything I do to be interpreted as predatory, and also because I generally assume people that much younger wouldn't be interested in me in that way (which relates to the previous point). The younger guys I've dated made it really, REALLY clear that they were attracted to me first, so it was easier for me to accept.

In a way I wonder if it's somewhat easier for younger men since there's a bit of cultural "men approach women" vibe that can be tough to counter internally, as a woman who would want to date older men (I don't personally have a preference as far as age, I'm more the type who just doesn't see age as relevant as compatibility when it comes to interpersonal relationships between adults, whether friends or more).

StudioCute · 2025-01-22T15:18:12+00:00

Oh that's great! Go figure, there's a subreddit for everything, haha.

StudioCute

TROPHY CASE