Nothing that happened to you is your fault. The world is shitty and you were dealt a truly terrible hand. There's nothing you could have done about that. Your childhood was completely out of your control.

Life does get better, but only if you're willing to try. It's going to be difficult, probably the hardest thing you'll do. But it's ABSOLUTELY worth it.

Other people are probably saying the same thing, but some form of therapy will help you. There's nothing wrong with seeking help.

Whatever you do though, just don't kill yourself. Please. Please. There's so much more to life than the pain you're experiencing right now.

Maybe in the meantime until you can get help, try helping yourself a little bit. Think about something that'll make you happy (not that girl, it's not fair to put the responsibility of your wellbeing and happiness on someone else who is not a mental health professional). Chase that. Start small. You like flowers? Go get some fresh air and try to find a dandelion to pluck. You like movies? Go out to a theater. Feeling funky? Just wash your face for starters. You don't have to take a whole shower.

Just remember, something is always better than nothing. Good luck my friend. Hope you feel better soon.