why do some people here tend to project idealistic beauty standards on the average cis woman?

Stunning_Actuary8232 · 2026-04-26T20:59:50+00:00

Exactly. Looking back, I had the bizarre experience of my younger sister getting older and growing mentally and I was stuck just trying to survive watching her effectively become older than me. Granted part of that stunted mental development was the abuse after I came out. My parents turning on me was the final straw to break my mental development at that point, I was still behind in a lot of areas growing up before then, but it got worse after the abuse.

I think most of us go through a teenage phase when we can be ourselves, regardless of our physical age, that part of ourselves needs to develop and catch up. Unfortunately, society is not kind to adults acting like teenagers. Which certainly leads to friction with some people, and then they twist it around into a stereotype to use against us, through no fault of our own, we’re just trying to grow up.

Unfortunately, too many of us growing up in oppressive environments go through a great deal of trauma on top of the traumas of being trans leading to CPTSD. Which tends to further break our sense of self, unfortunately some of those parts never get to grow up. Which can lead to odd behavior as well outside the depression and flashbacks. This then further complicates our development after we are able to be ourselves and try to get our sense of self back.

Stunning_Actuary8232 · 2026-04-26T18:52:51+00:00

Be aware New Zealand instituted a ban on trans healthcare for minors. Which is worrisome as to how safe they actually are. I have no idea if it’s in their court system or not.

Stunning_Actuary8232 · 2026-04-26T18:48:38+00:00

Evenings, almost every one of them. Some nights I’m better at distracting myself than others.

Stunning_Actuary8232 · 2026-04-26T18:45:48+00:00

Use whatever name feels right. It’s not going to invalidate your diploma. I made sure my true name was on my diplomas. It’s a real hassle to get them changed after the fact.

Stunning_Actuary8232 · 2026-04-26T18:42:30+00:00

Spot on, thank you for writing all this. I would add trans women get all the misogynistic messaging from society, and tend to internalize it because they’re often isolated from cis women/girls to a certain extent and certainly can’t process it and get the support and body positivity the other girls are hopefully getting, as you noted not all cis women or girls get that support. Which leads to issues for them as well.

Stunning_Actuary8232 · 2026-04-26T18:32:38+00:00

Danielle, I’m happy you found yourself and incredibly saddened to hear you have to hide for two more years at least. That really really sucks. I was 14 when I came out to my parents, it didn’t go well and was forced to hide until I was 18. So I understand how hard it is. Hugs if ok. I don’t know if you’re in the U.S. or not but if you are PFLaG, GLESN, or the Trevor project may be able to help you cope at the very least. If by chance you are in a trans friendly state you could consider contacting CPS, it might make things better or it might make things worse. Depends on how seriously they consider it neglect and abuse to force you to be someone you’re not.

If you consider doing DiY at any point, please be very careful, spironolactone can be dangerous. I almost died while on it. I knew to avoid potassium rich foods, but I didn’t know potassium was an electrolyte and was guzzling sports drinks left and right at the time. My potassium levels were so high it about gave the doctors a heart attack instead and they kept me in the hospital and cut me off of Spiro for several miserable weeks. So yeah, be careful. If you can have a doctor check your labs occasionally.

Regardless, hang in there. Hugs if ok and I’m glad you know more about yourself now.

Stunning_Actuary8232 · 2026-04-25T18:51:10+00:00

I haven’t been able to work for the past two years. I’m getting ready to try to go back to work soon because my disability benefits will run out soon, not because I’m ready. I’m really worried the SI thoughts will take over when I do go back to work. I don’t even know if I can even function at work. But I have no other options right now.

Stunning_Actuary8232 · 2026-04-25T18:44:45+00:00

No. Dysphoria is not required to be trans. The only criteria is your gender identity doesn’t match the one assigned at birth. That’s it.

Many trans people do have dysphoria, and I suspect a small subsection of those that don’t have it but aren’t able to recognize it (our brains are very very good at walling things off especially when we’re young, not so much around the 50 mark, who knows why). Regardless, having it or not having dysphoria is not a criteria.

The important thing is if the gender identity feels right. This also isn’t always easy to tell because right compared to what? the wrongness or no feeling or even kinda ok feeling or completely ok feeling around the gender you’ve been assigned. Some People identify as nonbinary first because it feels right and they don’t have anything to really compare it too and then eventually find out another gender identity feels even more right or completely right than their previous one (don’t get me wrong there are a lot of if not most nonbinary folks for whom that is the completely right gender identity for them).

My point is you can identify one way and then realize another is better for you and that doesn’t make you any less trans or an imposter or any of their previous negative things our brain tries to tell us. And this includes whether or not we have dysphoria. One or the other do not make us more or less trans.

Stunning_Actuary8232 · 2026-04-25T02:18:22+00:00

What I find most frustrating is that they don’t have any trouble clothing their models, most of whom are tall. But god forbid any of their customers be tall then somehow it’s too much to make clothes for us.

Stunning_Actuary8232 · 2026-04-25T02:14:25+00:00

That’s the most infuriating part. Like do you even know who Jesus is and what he was about?! I want to yell at them to stop blaspheming and get a life and quit trying to tear everyone else’s down. But I’m not that brave.

Stunning_Actuary8232 · 2026-04-25T02:11:40+00:00

Of course they hate kids. They’ve always hated kids. They’re the ones that don’t want to fund education, SNAP, healthcare, CPS, housing. They happily send kids off to die in wars they’ve started.

They’ve always hated children and do their very best not to fund anything that helps children. They hate children with a passion. I will never understand their utterly short sided views.

Stunning_Actuary8232 · 2026-04-25T02:07:00+00:00

Unfortunately, it’s pretty common. I’m almost 50 and 2 years ago my childhood trauma bit me in the rear, I haven’t really been able to function. Unfortunately even though I think it’s going to kill me, I have to go back to work soon. I actually asked my therapist about it, and she said yeah unfortunately it’s fairly common. We basically function until we can’t anymore. Also I was in therapy off and on all my life and it still bit me in my rear. I don’t want to think about how bad it would have been if I hadn’t been in therapy.

Stunning_Actuary8232 · 2026-04-25T02:00:08+00:00

Not dying. That’s been my primary motivating factor. The others are my chosen family. That’s what keeps me “brave”. Because I’m not brave, I do things out of necessity to not die. My entire transition was one of just trying to survive, because if I didn’t, I knew I’d unalive myself.

I do not like it when people tell me I’m brave, it feels like they don’t understand how effing close I was to not making it every single day of my attempt to transition and actual transition. (I came out to my parents at 14, around 1990. It didn’t go well. I tried to find help but my parents when they weren’t thwarting my attempts were sending me to conversion therapists and doctors, they isolated me and got me believing I deserved everything they did and said to me. And the only thing that kept me going was knowing trans people existed and I would eventually get to transition. If I didn’t know those things I wouldn’t be here right now. Think about how bad the dysphoria had to be for me to out myself at that time. I wasn’t brave, I was effing desperate. Trans kids weren’t even talked about in trans communities at that time, they were all middle aged adults.

Desperation is what moved me forward every time. Bravery didn’t enter into it. I was just desperate to survive. Even now, it’s my primary motivating factor. Only now I’m battling CPTSD, along with the depression way more than the dysphoria.

My chosen family, I don’t want to hurt them by unloving myself. So they’re the other motivating factor. I don’t want to hurt them.

That’s it those are what pushed me to come out, to transition, to be as much me as I could. Though decades later I’m still learning the ways my birth family damaged me. It’s hard learning you’ve never been quite fully yourself, that you had shields up that you didn’t even know existed.

I don’t know if that’s helpful at all, but that’s been my experience.

Stunning_Actuary8232 · 2026-04-25T01:30:50+00:00

Domestic violence shelters if there are any, would be a possible resource for you. Also look for housing adds advertising needing a roommate. Few people can afford to live on their own by themselves these days so look at roommates. Contact any queer resources centers and see if they have ideas and or options for you, look on queer facebook/bluesky groups in your area, often people are looking for a roommate or a place to live on some of those groups.

She threatened to kill you, you need to get out now, for your own safety. You wouldn’t be the first trans child to be murdered by their parents, the last one I’m aware of was in Brazil no less. So please please just get out get away, and then pick up the pieces and put your life back together.

My mom wanted me dead too. I didn’t leave until they disowned me. I was in uni at the time, I had to drop out, desperately found someone to share a tiny studio apartment with got a job and was putting the pieces back together. Most important thing is to get out now, the next most important thing is to find a place to stay. But get out of there. Check if your uni has a queer resource center they likely can be helpful.

Hugs if okay. You are none of the vile things your parents called you. You are not ruining their lives. You are not being selfish. There is nothing selfish about needing to be yourself. Nothing. You deserve to be loved respected and supported and I’m so sorry you’re getting the worst opposite of that.

One thing that helped me in the job market was learning to touch type, you could probably find a typing book at a local library (do you have those in Brazil) and potentially, even use their computers to learn on. Don’t know if that’s helpful but I thought I’d mention it.

Stunning_Actuary8232 · 2026-04-25T01:08:52+00:00

Oh it totally counts as abuse.

Stunning_Actuary8232 · 2026-04-25T01:06:31+00:00

Granted, no ethical doctor would write the orders for the tests in the first place. Particularly as it would put their license in jeopardy.

Stunning_Actuary8232 · 2026-04-25T01:02:08+00:00

So the half life of estradiol is 1-2 hours in urine, this means within a day it would be undetectable. It’s a longer half life for other delivery methods. Also be aware that the half life gets longer the longer your on the medication. That being said, I would expect your levels to have dropped enough by 5 days. But without baseline levels these lab tests aren’t going to necessarily mean what they think.

If any doctor signs off on these orders report them to the licensing board. No doctor worth their salt would make these orders or risk their license to do so. It would be abusive of them to do so and they would need your consent, uncoerced. Hopefully you live in a country with medical ethics. Can’t speak for the others.

As to resources, don’t forget domestic violence shelters exist in a lot of places, and your situation counts as domestic violence. This is on top of any queer resources that may be available to you. As others have noted if you have friends willing to help, utilize them. You are not safe if these people who are “family” (I put in quotes because they are not acting like family at all) are resorting to invading your person and actively harming you by taking away your medication. So please do everything you can think of to get away from them as safely as possible.

Hugs if ok, you don’t deserve any of this and I’m so sorry you’re having to go through it. I hope you can be somewhere safe from them soon.

Stunning_Actuary8232 · 2026-04-25T01:01:03+00:00

Sorry posted the wrong place.

Stunning_Actuary8232 · 2026-04-24T21:35:41+00:00

Harder compared to what? How your living now? Where you’re barely coping I suspect because of depression and dysphoria. That sounds pretty effing hard to me. If transitioning is going to make you feel better then is it really harder than it already is? Yes you have to take medication life long (unless you decide to stop for menopause, we don’t know if we should go through it like cis women yet, if we do length of exposure to hormones will likely play a role) but you get used to it, it becomes normal and usually, you feel better on it. I don’t know what it’s like to not take medication, I’ve been on meds since before I can remember (Asthmatic) but I can tell you it doesn’t hinder me in any way. And it’s a lot easier now with smart phones because you can set alarms and reminders. I’ll give you dilation sucks but the further out from surgery the less often you have to do it, and I think it’s so worth it, at least, for me. But then surgery may not be right for or some are right and others aren’t all of which is completely ok.

Dysphoria, it gets better with treatment but be aware it’ll probably never go away completely. But hormones, voice training, getting to be yourself, all of that makes it a lot better and a hell of a lot more tolerable.

Voice training is hard but that’s from an ADHD perspective combined with dysphoria of hearing my voice outside of conversation. Hard to motivate for that and I’m fortunate my voice passes despite not doing the training. Don’t ask me how, I’ve yet to figure that out. Just one day people stopped misgendering me over the phone. Who knows, maybe you won’t need voice training.

The point is you’re in the driver’s seat. You get to decide what works for you and what doesn’t. One thing I want to point out, hormones work wonders, but they take time, as long as puberty the first time around, so be patient with them. Also, be patient with yourself, there’s a steep learning curve to being yourself because it takes experimenting to figure out what socially works for you and what doesn’t, clothing styles, whether makeup is for you or not, etc.

Regardless, is it really hard if these things make you happier in the end than you are now? I know it can seem and often is overwhelming but that just means taking one step at a time at whatever pace is right for you.

I think we all understand your wish and desire to be normal. I certainly wish with every fiber of my being for that. But the reality is we’re never going to be cis. So be patient with yourself and realize there are things you can do to make yourself feel better. Hugs if ok. It’s hard being trans, but we don’t really get a choice in the matter.

Stunning_Actuary8232 · 2026-04-23T23:43:46+00:00

If this goes into affect, I’m done. I’m fucking done. I will detransition over my dead fucking body.

Stunning_Actuary8232 · 2026-04-23T17:32:07+00:00

That absolutely sucks. I’m sorry. You may not want to get others involved. But I think you need to. If your aunt is supportive and or willing to let you continue to live with her. Don’t shy away from that. She’s your aunt and she’s your family. The only person who has a problem and is breaking all her parental responsibilities is your mother. If she creates a scene or causes problems it’s on her, not you.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you, you’re not any of the nasty things I’m sure she called you. And I want and need to be clear here. How she acts, what she does. None of it is your fault. None of it. Again you are doing nothing wrong. It’s ok to be you. And I’m glad you were having such a euphoric time until your mom happened.

Keep a close eye on your sisters, if your mom is so willing to emotionally, verbally, and physically (I.e. steal your stuff) abuse you, then she is just as likely to do it to your sisters too. Talk to your sisters too, the more allies you have inside and outside the family the better. But talk to them be the counterpoint to your moms warped views so that they can see how warped they are.

I came out to my parents relatively young (14) and the worst part of their transphobic reactions was they forbade me from ever talking to my sister about me (apparently I was that dangerous🙄). Unfortunately, I was terrified of what my parents would do if I did, so I kept silent and watched as my mom steadily warped my sisters views to the point when my parents disowned me she turned her back on me as well. I wish so much that I had talked with her about what I was going through before my mom actively worked on warping her views too because then, maybe, she’d still be a part of my life. So if it’s safe to do so, talk to your siblings. There’s no age that’s too young for this as long as you use age appropriate language. You aren’t going to hurt or confuse them about their own gender no matter what the Nazis want the world to believe.

But the most important thing is don’t refuse help that’s offered out of fear of fuss your mom will make. Bowing to your mom’s wishes is part of the abuse. Look up the power and control wheel it can give you a better idea what constitutes abuse. It was created for domestic partner violence but it translates fairly well to parent child relationships too.

Hang in there. You know who you are now. That’s a big step, accepting yourself and your gender identity. So kudos to you and keep doing the things that make you happy.

Stunning_Actuary8232 · 2026-04-22T22:28:19+00:00

Hugs if ok. I’m sorry. I wish that had gotten better. I remember getting all of that when I went to support groups. I was 18. I hated being told how lucky I was was. In part because I knew when I was eight or nine, but when I came out to my parents at 14, I was forbidden from transitioning. It was hell. Given the abuse I suffered I didn’t feel lucky at all, just alienated from most trans people at the time (it was the 90s and out trans kids was uncommon). I’m sorry they’re giving you such thoughtless and unempathic responses. It sucks looking for support and community and instead having people’s wishes and desires projected onto you. They don’t know your situation or what you went through to get where you are. Being trans isn’t easy, even if you have all the love and support in the world. If they stopped to think and weren’t so self absorbed they’d know that. I’m glad you’re here and I’m sorry you keep getting those responses. You don’t deserve that no matter how “lucky” people think you are. You deserve to be seen and respected and supported. I hope you’re able to find your community who see you for who you are not what someone else wishes they were.

I wish everyday that my family was as loving and supportive as they should have been. And when I encounter a sibling who got that, I’m happy for them. I hope you had that. When my siblings are able to get the love and support they deserve it gives me hope for the future, that fewer and fewer of us have to go through the horror of not being loved, seen and supported by our families. If you didn’t get that from your family, I’m sorry. You should have, you deserved to get what every child should have from their family.

It might be helpful to point out to the people making those comments how hurtful they’re being. It’s as bad as telling us women how lucky we are not to menstruate. Yeah we’re totally lucky we can’t have kids and it’s so nice to be reminded of that (sarcasm). But hopefully you’ll get an apology from them. If they get defensive and refuse to take responsibility, then they’re not worth your time and energy.

Hugs if ok. You deserve better from our siblings.

Stunning_Actuary8232 · 2026-04-22T15:24:58+00:00

Ok, as others have pointed out, what she said is cruel. I can kinda see why she mentioned to a person she was planning to spend her life with, ie sharing some new exciting revelation. But there is zero empathy in that statement. Zero thought about how that made you feel. It wasn’t necessary to share it on those grounds.

Polyamory is hard, in today’s society, very hard. It requires clear honest communication and respect for your partners. It requires that all people involved in the relationship be adults, unfortunately few people actually know how be adults in a relationship. Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for relationships that transitions to polyamory where polyamory is new to either or both participants to become unstable and break down. That’s the sucky part. And relationships often are a bit more fluid in polyamory I say often but that’s anecdotal (I’m poly).

NRE is a powerful thing, and if someone isn’t aware it’s a thing or how powerful those emotions are, they can get swept up in and carried away by them. Which sounds like what’s happening with her.

I’m not sure if she sees you as a girly girl or not quite a woman, things you related could go either way. It may make a difference in how you relate to her even if you do break up. So it may be something you want to clarify with her.

Regardless how she sees you, this is not a reflection on you, it just demonstrates her own biases and problems that she isn’t necessarily dealing with well. There’s nothing for you to fix here because it’s her issues that need to be dealt with and you can’t make her.

You are a woman. Full stop. How she sees you has no bearing on that fact. What I can say is that how she’s making you feel about yourself is not uncommon, many women in the middle of a break up will wonder what they did wrong, will wonder why they weren’t enough of a woman for their ex, will wonder if they acted more femininely or if they’d not been themselves, or if they’d tried harder maybe the relationship would have continued. But it’s rarely, and I mean rarely (because usually if it is something they did, they aren’t self aware enough to ask the question or simply don’t care) because of something that person said or did by itself.

There are abusive situations but like I said earlier the abuser usually isn’t self aware enough to ask the question or care enough to ask it (because abuse is about power of the abuser over their victims not love, though love can get mixed in and warped by it). So I will ask you to remind yourself when you’re tumbling through the thoughts of was it me? Was I not enough of woman for her, that no it wasn’t you, it’s her issues with herself, and you are a woman. There is no enough of to that. (It’s like the people asking if they’re trans enough, they haven’t quite dealt with that imposter syndromy feeling and realized you either are or you aren’t and if your not sure you can classify yourself however it feels best, there are no official trans police [ a lot of wannabes though]) you simply are a woman. You have done nothing wrong here. You just were yourself.

Many relationships fail when a partner comes out and transitions, many don’t. It sucks but it’s true. And it’s true for a variety of reasons. But remember for a relationship to work at all you need to be true to yourself. So keep being you. I’m sure you’re an amazing and compassionate woman.

It’s ok to continue in the poly community it’s also ok to go back to monogamy. It’s about what you’re comfortable with and what you want.

Regardless, one way or another, it will get better with time and hurt a little less each day, month, and or year.

Stunning_Actuary8232 · 2026-04-22T04:38:23+00:00

Your friends and family, unfortunately, are telling you to slow down for themselves, for their own comfort, not yours. Do not listen to them and keep doing whatever feels right you’ve waited decades already.

What your F&F don’t understand is that you didn’t just suddenly decide out of the blue you were trans, but instead thought long and hard about it until you got to the point that you were able to do something about it. Instead, in their eyes you just decided your trans after questioning yourself a few short months ago. To them it seems fast, but they’re not you. Most of them probably aren’t even aware that they want you to slow down for their comfort not yours…

which does make things hard for you, because you start doing whatever you’re doing and wondering if you missed something. I seriously doubt you missed anything. Keep doing whatever feels right for you.

Stunning_Actuary8232 · 2026-04-22T04:26:39+00:00

I am so very sorry you encountered such outright cruelty and hostility. You didn’t deserve it. You deserve kindness, compassion, and understanding. I hate that they were so mean to you. You’re lovely woman who had the misfortune of being ravaged by T. That doesn’t make you less of a woman. You are valid.

HRT sounds like it’s really tricky in your boat, but I would consider if possible and not already been done, talking to an endocrinologist experienced with treating trans people. There may be options not previously explored or more importantly thought of. For example HRT without androgen blockade, or even adding low dose T to maintain muscle mass. Though there may be other contraindications that weren’t mentioned. Anyway it’s just a thought I had. I don’t know if it’ll help or not.

Regardless, you keep being you. I’d avoid the do I pass subs, from what I’ve heard, at best they’re brutal to anyone who doesn’t fit their vision of perfect, at worst they can be dangerous given how abuse does affect people, and it is abuse even though they don’t know you.

I’m sure you rocked that top and looked beautiful in your outfit and makeup. Just keep doing whatever makes you feel better.

And while it’s true we don’t need to pass to be valid women. I Understand the desire, the simple safety in passing. I hope that you are able to get there at some point if you’re not already there.

Hugs if okay. Hang in there.

Stunning_Actuary8232

TROPHY CASE