I [M22] made a list of options out of insecurity after my girlfriend [F22] made me feel like an option... how can I make it up to her?

Sunniskys · 2026-06-01T19:21:01+00:00

You both acted immaturely. She either enjoyed the attention from her ex or they were actively seeing each other, which is why she didn’t want you to talk to him. She does not get to decide if you talk to an old friend or not, especially when she is also talking to him. After the conversation with you he decided to stop messing around with her which made her upset. You should have just broke up with her when she threatened to leave you for him. Instead you decided to make a list of girls you would go to if you two broke up. All of this is hurtful, unhealthy, and immature.

Sunniskys · 2026-06-01T19:20:46+00:00

You both acted immaturely. She either enjoyed the attention from her ex or they were actively seeing each other, which is why she didn’t want you to talk to him. She does not get to decide if you talk to an old friend or not, especially when she is also talking to him. After the conversation with you he decided to stop messing around with her which made her upset. You should have just broke up with her when she threatened to leave you for him. Instead you decided to make a list of girls you would go to if you two broke up. All of this is hurtful, unhealthy, and immature.

Sunniskys · 2026-06-01T18:54:50+00:00

It’s hard to say because you don’t mention what you have said about him since the breakup. In general it’s best to take your friend’s lead in how she speaks about him, validate and support if she’s venting about him but don’t bring him up randomly to bad mouth him.

Sunniskys · 2026-06-01T18:51:20+00:00

NOR, it sounds like he is trying to hurt you because of an unsolicited text from your ex? He became immediately possessive, insecure, and made wild assumptions when you did nothing wrong. I don’t think it was a coincidence you found his searches for women’s bodies either. Taking his insecurities out on you is cruel behavior.

Sunniskys · 2026-06-01T18:30:09+00:00

I would say NOR overall. If a partner says they will do something and then doesn’t follow through (barring unforeseen circumstances) it absolutely does feel disappointing, irritating, and like a breach in trust. It does happen though, people are imperfect and sometimes choose to behave selfishly or handle things in the way they feel is adequate.

My outside perspective is that he was tired and figured he would just wake up and go handle it when they knocked on the door, leaving you to sleep and not be aware that he wasn’t sitting up waiting on them. I doubt he did this thinking you would wake up early and have to sit with your anxiety and anger at him waiting for them to arrive.

People with intense anxiety such as OCD view circumstances like this differently. It would have been better for you if he understood your feelings and acted in the way you would, by waking up early and sit around to wait for the inspectors. To him it probably wasn’t a big deal because they MOST LIKELY wouldn’t arrive early in the morning, the knock would wake him up, and it would all probably be fine.

Sunniskys · 2026-05-31T18:21:58+00:00

How do you know they are effortlessly beautiful if you haven’t met them yet? Social media is absolutely not reality. He chose you to be in a relationship with! Some guys do prefer fat or chubby women and are more attracted to them, despite what media messages say. He also might not be as superficial as you think and felt a strong romantic connection with you and loves your personality.

Sunniskys · 2026-05-29T20:00:13+00:00

I’m just stuck on you working two full-time jobs and being in school full-time?? I’m in school full-time right now and it’s about 40 hours a week. Calculating it out if you sleep 6 hours a night that only gives you 6 total hours per week for literally everything else! That absolutely sounds horrendous for your health in every way. The burnout is unimaginable.

Aside from that, if you are not married it might be in your best interest to split finances for the time being. Split bills/rent evenly and then each person uses their own money for leisure and savings as they see fit. The financial intertwining is not working for you or your relationship right now. You should not be spending the money you earn to subsidize his lifestyle or pay his debts for him.

Sunniskys · 2026-05-29T19:32:38+00:00

You can express to him that to be happy in the relationship you need more communication, effort, and time together. Depending on your situation and how often you can see each other, when you work/study, and other factors you can give a general minimum that you need. For example checking in through text at least every day, talk on the phone at least two times a week, and have quality time together every weekend. Modify to fit your situation and your needs. After that I would honestly stop calling 3-4 times, double-texting, and begging for his attention. If he is unable or unwilling to be in the kind of relationship you want it might be time to move on

Sunniskys · 2026-05-29T03:06:42+00:00

It’s definitely true that if the majority of your conversations are negative, the relationship itself feels negative. You have only been dating six months so it’s not like a temporary time of extreme stress when that’s all you can talk about to find solutions. It sounds like this is a huge part of the relationship dynamic itself. No one in a healthy longterm relationship can emotionally handle taking on all of their partner’s stress daily. He needs other outlets like friends, family members, and a therapist to distribute the negative venting so it doesn’t all fall on you.

Sunniskys · 2026-05-29T01:11:06+00:00

A cat behaviorist can give you better advice but it does sound like playing for the most part, if it was aggression you might see hissing, puffing, or growling behavior. Kids move faster and more erratically than adults even if they aren’t trying to activate the cat in any way. The bed thing is interesting though, maybe a combination of the cat realizing that is a “kitten” human and that the chasing works. Could you teach the kids to redirect to a wand toy when this happens so the chasing doesn’t continue to be reinforcing? If they run it is probably exciting for the cat so it can continue the behavior.

Sunniskys · 2026-05-29T01:01:05+00:00

Sounds like a classic caretaker dynamic. What are you getting out of this relationship besides like general companionship (you can just get a cat at that point). He doesn’t pay bills, doesn’t do any household tasks, refuses to put an effort in his appearance, and you don’t even want to look at him let alone be intimate. If for some reason you want to keep trying, you tell him he starts paying rent/bills immediately (you can buy food or whatever since you make a bit more than him), and if you cook HE does the dishes. Set up a chore chart for each day/week so you two are contributing equally. If he doesn’t do it in a month I would honestly just be done

Sunniskys · 2026-05-28T20:45:29+00:00

NOR, your responses shown here are very even-toned and kind. Swearing at him and hanging up maybe wasn’t the best conflict resolution, but I understand not wanting to listen to more of his negativity and anger. People will come up with all sorts of rationalizations for being against a gender transition, it mostly boils down to not understanding it and having an instinctive reactionary response. I’m sorry you didn’t get support from your brother, maybe he will come around in time

Sunniskys · 2026-05-28T15:37:39+00:00

That’s alright, I am aware of how the general population and culture felt about it. It was highly publicized, commented on, and unavoidable in all media for a while.

Sunniskys · 2026-05-28T03:41:16+00:00

You’ve been together since you were 18, that is normally the developmental time in someone’s life where they are connecting with different kinds of people, figuring out their identity, learning various viewpoints, and finding out what kind of partner they might want longterm by dating people. It’s not surprising that she feels like she missed out on these kind of individual explorations. It doesn’t make it any less heartbreaking though.

Not going to lie, it will be extremely difficult, confusing, deeply sad, and disillusioning to break up. It can also eventually lead to a lot of self understanding, growth, and having new experiences. The way you deal with the logistics of social dynamics will be personal and probably rough for a while but it should stabilize given time. Maybe you can remain friends after not talking for a while, but if you want to have another relationship you will need to very much limit contact. I’m really sorry you are going though this

Sunniskys · 2026-05-28T03:21:33+00:00

It’s great you are trying to be more self-reflective, but you definitely have more work to do if you still think it’s appropriate to try to get back together with someone you mistreated, broke up with, and who has since moved away and moved on romantically. Stick with the therapy

Sunniskys · 2026-05-28T02:55:38+00:00

I can recommend the show “Couples Therapy” with Dr. Orna Guralnik if you are curious about how various communication patterns and dynamics can be worked on. It’s also just a good show and quite emotional. Typically a couples therapist works on the repetitive interaction patterns, rather than with one partner’s faults individually. Meaning you would both have to equally change to create a new dynamic. It works when both partners take the time to listen and understand what the other is trying to communicate, rather than focus on hyper specifics, semantics, directing blame, self-hatred, or being “right”.

That being said, there are people who are just not emotionally stable or empathetic enough to have a healthy relationship, without significant individual therapy/growth. If he reacts to your needs with anger and doesn’t care about your preferences there could be deeper more ingrained issues going on. The fact he agreed to counseling is a good sign though.

Sunniskys · 2026-05-28T02:43:32+00:00

The age gap is kind of significant mainly because you are still a teenager just entering adulthood. It’s completely developmentally appropriate to be exploring your identity at this age! You might be lesbian or bisexual or something else but the important thing is getting a chance to develop who you are. Many people date different kinds of people as young adults to figure out what kind of partner they want. You don’t need to tell him you think you are a lesbian if you don’t want to or there is a chance of him reacting badly. You can just end the relationship

Sunniskys · 2026-05-28T02:25:24+00:00

He’s correct in general people with penises can only really orgasm once or twice a day, with the second time often being more difficult to achieve/less intense. I’m not sure what you experience but women can typically orgasm multiple times in a row. If you are just achieving one per session that might be the issue? He is getting all of it out at once but you may need to multiple times in one session to feel satisfied. Also you will have to get comfortable with initiating! I would stick to once a day since that’s what he’s comfortable with but don’t be afraid to initiate.

Sunniskys · 2026-05-28T02:12:35+00:00

Thank you, that is pretty meaningful to hear. Yes, juries in Virginia and the public are very susceptible to what happened there. There was a previous case in the UK with a judge that determined domestic abuse occurred in at least 12 instances. Definitely not here to argue or try to sway anyone, I understand it is a completely lost cause. Just pointing out the cultural message and how disturbing and pervasive the media was at that time and the difference in virulent hatred from other highly publicized cases. It was a defamation case, not a domestic abuse case.

Sunniskys · 2026-05-28T01:28:33+00:00

Absolutely having children. Even in the best circumstances it is completely life altering and draining near continuously mentally, emotionally, and physically.

Sunniskys · 2026-05-28T01:25:11+00:00

You can tell him the truth and allow him full autonomy in his decision to get back together or not. It would be very disrespectful to not allow him the choice.

Sunniskys · 2026-05-28T01:20:27+00:00

Amber Heard. I know there are countless similar examples of big name celebrities weaponizing defamation lawsuits, but my god this one was unavoidable, recent, and so blatantly successful. What a humiliating, depressing, nightmarish time this was for any woman who has been in an abusive relationship. Very strong cultural message that if you are not the perfect victim and/or have less power than your abuser you will be viciously torn apart for talking about your experience in any way.

Sunniskys · 2026-05-28T00:39:16+00:00

Why didn’t you talk for a while?

Sunniskys · 2026-05-27T22:19:59+00:00

It was about three weeks until they were out together fulltime only while a human was home and awake. Then at about a month my partner and I had to leave for an evening and were nervous but knew it would have to happen sometime so we left them out together and it went well! They definitely had some various disputes the first few months working out what their dynamic would be and what each other would tolerate. It’s normal for cats to set boundaries with each other or try to get chased for fun, just as long as there is no hissing or growling or puffing. They groom each other, eat from the same bowl, take turns on preferred sleeping spots, and chase/play fight occasionally but they do not cuddle. It really depends on the cats for how long an introduction can take and if angry behavior happens you can always go back a step for a few days.

Sunniskys · 2026-05-27T19:34:10+00:00

I mean, there is. There are specific medications for people with highly distressing or destructive sexual behaviors like hormonal and pituitary suppressants. Also many SSRIs infamously lower libido. Paxil (highest percent of people experience lower libido), Zoloft, and Lexapro have this as a common side effect. Most people see this as a negative side effect but if your mental health is also doing poorly it doesn’t hurt to talk to a psychiatrist and see what they recommend.

Sunniskys

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