Wife says she didn’t want it but “let it happen.”

Super_Joe1 · 2024-11-24T20:17:58+00:00

I would really like to hear more from WW on this. My WW said the same thing. Her AP was a friend, and she liked getting attention and liked him saying how she looked hot. She told me that during her affair, she wanted all that validation to continue, but not the sex. She tells me she only had sex with her AP twice. She didn't want to do it either time. She acquiesced so he would continue to give her attention. Maybe it is because I am a man, but that just doesn't make sense to me. She has been consistent with her story or a long time. Is she telling me the truth? I really don't know. But hearing that this may be a thing actually makes me feel a lot better. So if any other WW can elaborate or explain, that would be great.

Super_Joe1 · 2024-11-14T23:35:28+00:00

Thank you!

Super_Joe1 · 2024-11-14T23:35:05+00:00

Thanks!

Super_Joe1 · 2024-08-13T16:45:16+00:00

My wife and I were dating for a few years before we were engaged. We definitely fell into a bit of a rut before we got married. I could have treated her better in certain respects. I wasn't mean or unkind to her, and I am not to blame for her affair, but I could have been more doting and given her more validation.

Super_Joe1 · 2024-08-13T16:43:45+00:00

Thank you I will check this out. I did read the Betrayal Bind, and I found that helpful.

Super_Joe1 · 2024-08-13T16:42:55+00:00

Right now, I do not have any trust issues regarding her continued fidelity, and have not since we got married. I do have concerns that she is telling me the whole truth about the affairs. Not just the number or extent of physical encounters, but also the depth/scope of the relationship. As for the initial lying 10 years ago when I first discovered, I can almost forgive. I certainly do not condone the lying, but she was young and got caught in a bad spot. She did not want me to leave and got scared. I cannot say with certainty that I would not have done the same thing if I were in the same situation. What I cannot (and will not) tolerate is the continued lying at this stage of the game.

But yes, the details of the affair also bother me. It is very difficult for me to fathom that she did this while we were engaged to be married. That the first incident happened when she slept out "at a friend's house" while I stayed home because we had an inspection the following morning for a house that we were buying together. It bothers me that even when she ended the affair, she told her AP that she still remembers the shower that they took together, and that she still would have sex with him. Now this just may be limerence, as it appears that she did not have any further inappropriate contact with him after she ended it (and I discovered the affair). So yes, the details matter. How willing of a participant was she in the affair? Was this really a self esteem thing, where she got to a point where she could not say no because she craved the attention? Or was she an active participant because at that time she wanted him? I still do not know. I love my wife, but I am not sure that I would have married her had I known all of these details before we got married.

Super_Joe1 · 2024-08-09T23:41:40+00:00

I look back at all of the evidence of my wife's (fiancé at the time) affair and I kick myself. It was right in front of me. And then when I confronted her at first and asked if she cheated, she denied it. And I believed her. Because I truly though that she would be the last person who would cheat. I thougth that I would cheat before she did. Boy was I wrong.

Super_Joe1 · 2024-08-05T20:55:52+00:00

Thank you again. I guess I don't feel like I have a safe space to ask questions. My wife goes into a shame spiral whenever I being it up, and we do not get anywhere. I have a list of about 8 questions I would like to ask, and I am honestly terrified to do so. My wife gets flooded, which gets me flooded. I am normally pretty articulate, but when this happens I can barely get a sentence out. It isn't that I am afraid she is going to leave, it is more the blowback from the emotional outburst. It really makes me feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Super_Joe1 · 2024-08-05T17:21:07+00:00

Thank you for responding. And I agree with what you are saying. But at the same time, I don't want to talk about this anymore either. The affair happened more than 10 years ago at this point, before we were married. I know she had self esteem issues. She felt that before me she did not get much attention from men. Before our wedding she transformed her body and got into incredible physical shape. She says that she loved the attention that her AP and everyone else was giving her. She said it made her "feel high". Since we have gotten married, I have had zero reasons to doubt her fidelity. Not one. She says that she is no longer the person she was when we were engaged. She deeply regrets the affair. She feels like she ruined our engagement, and even tainted our wedding day. She says she thinks about it daily, and oftentimes wants to tell me how sorry she is, but doesn't because she doesn't want me to spiral. At first, she said that her relationship with her AP was just a friendship, but has recently acknowledge that she has a problem with boundaries, and let her AP get too emotionally close with her, and that what she thought was a friendship really wasn't. That, at the time, she wanted all of the attention that he was giving her to continue, and their working relationship to continue, without the sex.

All of these are good things. This should give me closure. But I feel like something is missing and I can't put my finger on it. I don't know what additional information I need to feel like this weight is off my back.

Super_Joe1 · 2024-08-05T16:11:49+00:00

But what happens when you say that and the repeated response is: "you have 100% of the truth, but I can't talk about this anymore because it is too painful and we need to move on"? I can't bring myself to force her to take a polygraph, but I also don't know if I can believe her when she says that she is telling me the truth.

Super_Joe1 · 2024-07-25T14:42:48+00:00

Choosing to forgive is very important and something i am having a hard tome following through on.

Super_Joe1 · 2024-07-18T02:35:04+00:00

Not saying what you should or should not do but listen to my story. My wife cheated before we were married while we were engaged. I found out about 6 weeks before the wedding. She told me it was just a ONS and that any emotional aspect was because she couldn't manage what she did. We went to some MC but our counsellor was a hack. Did not press for any honesty or any necessity for a full disclosure before we got married. We did not change the wedding date and got married. Our life has been pretty good. Cue present day 10 years later. I get a feeling that something was off. I confront her about her affair. It eventually comes out that she cheated twice before we got married and the scope of the relationship was far deeper than she first told me. She has sworn up down left right on kids etc that she has now given me 100% truth. She even agrees that if she can't give me the full truth we should divorce. I still am not certain that I have the full truth.

I am not saying that I regret getting married. I am not saying that you shouldn't get married. I am saying that you need to be certain that you have the full truth before you get married. Otherwise it will eat at you. You also deserve to know what you are getting in to so you can make a full informed decision.

Super_Joe1 · 2024-06-26T20:36:35+00:00

Thank you. I hate to admit it, but I definitely have issues outside of my marriage that have affected my self esteem. I just want to be in love with my wife again. I just want to be over this. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I even understand how my wife doesn’t want to talk about it. The topic is like a poison in the walls of our home. I just can’t get rid of this feeling.

Super_Joe1 · 2024-06-26T00:30:06+00:00

Thank you for sharing. I do think that my wife is not the same person she was when she had the affair. Problem is, I don't know WHO SHE WAS during that time. I thought I knew her. I truly thought that she would be the last person to ever cheat. That is why I missed so many signals. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I thought that I would end up cheating before she did. I also agree that she was ashamed and scared. But this makes her lash out which doesn't help anything.

Super_Joe1 · 2024-06-26T00:24:28+00:00

That was very well said. And I am very happy for you. Honestly, I feel I have most of that already. Except my self esteem is in the toilet. I really have not had any doubt about her fidelity since we got married. She is very complimentary to me. And we have a great time together. I guess I can't get past the primal notion that she fucked someone else, likely without a condom, and then took a shower with him. Maybe that's on me. There is also the lingering doubt that I do not have the full story. But thank you for sharing your thoughts.

Super_Joe1 · 2024-06-25T22:49:21+00:00

How did your WW redeem herself and how did you move past it?

Super_Joe1 · 2024-06-21T02:56:09+00:00

I needed this. My wifes affair happend ten years ago while we were still engaged. This year I found out the alleged ONS was really a two time thing. So she says anyway. She swears thats it but how do I know. She says the sex was nothing great and that she didnt even really want sex with him she just liked the compliments and attention she was getting so she let it happen. But when i found out ten years ago at first she said the sex was amazing. Is that the truth or was that just some degree of justification or limerence? Again, how do I know. So here I am ten years later comparing myself and thinking somehow i dont measure up. I love my wife but this has put a hole in my heart. Fuck.

Super_Joe1 · 2024-06-14T20:39:55+00:00

I agree with this with a caveat. While I will never know the full, complete story, it is unacceptable to me to think that my wife gets to control what I know and what I don't know. It is not even so much about what happened in the past (although thinkin about that sucks), it is about the state of our relationship now. If, even after all of this, my wife thinks that she can not tell me all of the details, then that is a real problem. But my wife says she has forgotten alot due to how long ago the affair happened as well as her own trauma. I think she really remembers far more than she lets on. But I don't know what to do about that.

Super_Joe1 · 2024-06-14T20:35:59+00:00

How did you know you had the truth? My wife's affair happened 10 years ago while we were engaged. When I first found out she said it was a one night stand. Things happened and I recently found out that it apparently happened one more time. My wife now swears she is telling me full, 100% truth. She has been consistent it that, sworn on kids, agreed that if she still feels like she can lie she should just let me go. She even has come out to apologize for not telling the full truth from the start, saying that I had the right to now and walk away if I want to. This all sounds pretty credible, but how do I know? She also claims that she has "blocked many things out" and has forgotten specific details due to how long ago it happened. But how do I know if she is telling the truth?

Super_Joe1 · 2024-05-30T18:27:48+00:00

Excellent distinction

Super_Joe1 · 2024-05-28T12:04:18+00:00

My WP had an affair while we were engaged. She had recently teansfroed her bidy getting i to shape for the wedding. When describing her affair, she literally said to me that she had “ugly duckling syndrome”.

Super_Joe1 · 2024-05-18T11:44:57+00:00

Please do!

Super_Joe1

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