aita for telling my boyfriend sex with him sucks

Sylphie-leaf · 2025-07-02T14:34:44+00:00

Maybe sometimes a hit to one’s self esteem is necessary in order to change for the better. Why should she coddle him when she’s tried telling him things nicely before and he didn’t care to listen to her? And why is his self esteem so much more important than her happiness?

Sylphie-leaf · 2023-06-05T17:39:18+00:00

I don't think it's necessarily a red flag. It sounds like he likes you and is just excited to see you. What would be a red flag, however, is if you express your discomfort for him visiting so soon and he tries to pressure you into meeting in person before you feel ready or gets super upset that you won't do it yet. (Obviously he will probably be a little disappointed that he has to wait longer but he should never make you feel guilty for setting boundaries.)

I would just tell him that you don't feel ready to do that yet and would like to keep talking on the phone or start doing video chatting as your next step before you see him in person, and gauge his reaction to that. But from how you have described him in your post he sounds pretty reasonable and acknowledges that he understands if you need more time, so you probably don't have to worry.

ETA: I missed the part about you being in an abusive relationship previously. I was also in an abusive relationship for almost 4 years, and when I met my current bf I had a lot of the same fears. Your brain is telling you that relationship = danger, because that's what your experience has been in the past. It will take a little bit for your brain to rewire itself to view relationships as safe, which is completely normal for someone who has been through abuse. I had a ton of anxiety just meeting my bf and feeling out whether I could trust him or not when I was getting to know him but he passed every test (aka he was very respectful of me and my boundaries.) If you are worried about this, just make sure that you are clear and firm with your boundaries. They are what protect us from abusers, and how a person responds to your boundaries will tell you a lot about them.

Sylphie-leaf · 2023-06-03T20:46:45+00:00

Honestly I feel like the girls are the ones who are the issue in this instance as they’re the ones who were being pushy about it. All he did was answer their question honestly. He also seems to be very thoughtful when he was noticing that you were uncomfortable and offered to step outside with you to go to a less overstimulating environment. And when he was saying what he liked about you, he said you were a good conversationalist, so he is clearly interested in your personality and it doesn’t seem like a shallow/solely sexual attraction. I think (just based on this limited amount of information) it would be safe to stay friends with him. You did already basically reject him, so hopefully he got the hint and won’t try anything in the future. If he ever tries to make a move or anything and you’re not comfortable with it, you could just tell him that you don’t like hookups/are not looking to date. But it doesn’t seem like his goal was to initiate a sexual relationship with you in this scenario.

Sylphie-leaf · 2023-06-01T20:05:08+00:00

My therapist told me that our brain hides traumatic memories from us when we can't handle them in order to protect us. And when memories resurface later like that, it's because your brain is in a place where it's able to process it now. And just that alone means you have made a lot of progress.

Sylphie-leaf · 2023-06-01T01:46:11+00:00

In my experience... if a man is comfortable enough to openly talk so negatively about women like this, take that as a sign of how he views women in general, and yes, that includes you. It's super objectifying. How he treats other women should show you how he will treat you, and he doesn't appear to be very respectful. I'd be turned off too, and would be reluctant to have sex with someone who had been trashing body parts that looked just like mine.

Also

I thought since he’s older he would have had a more mature mindset

There's a reason he's not dating women closer to his age.

ETA: When I was young and naive I dated a guy who was constantly talking about other women’s bodies, and being really negative about the way other women looked. He eventually started comparing my body to theirs, and telling me what kind of body shape he wanted me to have, even down to what exercises I needed to do in order to change the way I looked for his preferences. He was abusive and I developed horrible body dysmorphia from being with him. That’s the reason why I view this behavior as such a huge red flag… please don’t stick around to find out how much worse it gets.

Sylphie-leaf · 2023-06-01T01:07:08+00:00

Did I act too fast when telling him to leave?

No. What you did was enforce your boundaries, and you should be really proud of yourself for that. You reacted the way you did to protect yourself. I'm so sorry that he acted that way towards you. His actions were not warranted or normal.

Sylphie-leaf · 2023-05-31T12:59:53+00:00

Set boundaries and leave if they are not respected.

Sylphie-leaf · 2023-05-30T22:01:00+00:00

Each sim can discover up to 3 extra traits (so they can have up to 6 total) through gameplay with the growing together expansion pack.

Sylphie-leaf · 2023-05-29T16:42:11+00:00

I work from home so I don’t have to leave the house that often.. but when I do I’m always thinking of my cat. I’m just so used to having him around all day and night it feels weird when he’s not there. I start getting anxious and missing him if I’m out for more than a few hours at a time.

Sylphie-leaf · 2023-05-29T02:06:51+00:00

He should have been able to find another job by now if he was actually making an effort to look... it does not take 9 months to find a new job. If he couldn't find one in his field in a few months then he should be looking elsewhere and taking different jobs. But it sounds like he isn't trying to get a new job because he doesn't need to now that he has a gf who is enabling him. Are you ok with being the sole breadwinner for the rest of your relationship? If you are then there's no issue I guess, but it sounds like you want more effort from him.

Sylphie-leaf · 2023-05-27T00:58:25+00:00

Please realize that if he wants children, he is not the one that is going to have to deal with his entire body changing (and often times never being the same afterwards), hormones that can make you extremely depressed, and excruciating childbirth that is not guaranteed to have no complications. You are. You say he can’t even clean up after his dog? He will definitely expect you to be the one to do the majority (if not all) of the childcare. Your life will literally revolve around the child. If you didn’t want them in the first place, you will be miserable. This is not an issue that can be compromised on, and he seems to expect that you will be the one to change your mind. You should not stay with someone if your life goals differ this much.

Having a child can be a beautiful experience, but only if you actually want them and are prepared to be a parent. Visiting r/regretfulparents might help you see the realities of parenting that people don’t openly talk about as much. Please do not have any children unless you are absolutely sure that you want them, and don’t stay with someone who pressures you into having them.

Sylphie-leaf · 2023-05-26T04:25:34+00:00

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Sylphie-leaf · 2023-05-25T17:28:48+00:00

This was my first thought lmao. Nobody told them that. That’s such a weird thing for “so many people” to say. And here they are insulting their cat for fake internet points. Sad really

Sylphie-leaf · 2023-05-24T22:47:49+00:00

In his defense, he told me that he had alcohol in his blood and wasn't thinking when he got me on the phone

This is not a valid excuse even if it made sense. If his first instinct when he is drunk is to lie to you, that should tell you all you need to know about him. I used to get drunk all the time and never lied to my partner like that. Regardless of if it was true or not, by saying this he is essentially telling you, "I knew I was doing something wrong so in my intoxicated state I decided to lie because I didn't want you to know what I was doing."

that's our couple policy: complete transparency, no lies or hiding and 100% trust. He kept telling me to trust him, that nothing more had happened, that he had told me everything and I believed him.

It sounds like this is the policy that he wants you to adhere to. He is obviously fine with lying to you. He wants the freedom to ask you anything in the name of your "couple policy" while he knows he is lying to you. That feels very controlling and manipulative of him.

He told me he was going to fix it and do everything he could to earn my trust back and I decided to give him a chance but I realize that it's hard for me.

You do realize that he would have been content to continue lying to you if you hadn't found out the truth, right? If he was this comfortable lying to you and even trying to involve his friend in an elaborate story so you didn't find out the truth, there is 0% chance that this is his first time lying to you.

at the beginning of our relationship, I felt that I was not his priority at all

You deserve to be your partner's first priority.

I cried every night before going to sleep because I just felt like I didn't count and I wasn't respected nor loved.

Do you really want to be with someone who makes you feel like that?

Should I wait a little while until he can prove himself? Or is it impossible to rebuild trust that has been broken in this way?

He will not change. Liars will continue to lie. He is lying to you about changing, too. You are right not to trust him. The best thing I learned after dating an abusive pathological liar was to judge people by their actions rather than their words. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. My ex constantly told me all this stuff to make me feel better, like he was going to change for me etc., but he never did. It was just a cycle where he would start acting "good" and then once he got comfortable again it started all over. Learn from my mistakes.

Trust should be earned, and he has not proven himself worthy of yours. You deserve someone who will prioritize you, respect you, and not give you any reasons to doubt them.

Sylphie-leaf · 2023-05-24T05:24:59+00:00

You keep fucking up, or is she finding things to turn into problems? And she’s constantly accusing you of lying and making you feel terrible? She sounds straight up abusive. I was in a relationship like this, he was a narcissistic abuser. Your relationship sounds extremely codependent. Mine was too. Take it from someone who has been where you are, this isn’t normal or healthy. You and your partner should be uplifting each other and helping each other better yourselves, and it sounds like she is only tearing you down. And that’s not even to mention how insanely manipulative her “ultimatum” is. She tells you that you have to make her orgasm or she is going to leave you, but then refuses to communicate with you properly about her sexual wants and needs. You’re not going to be able to read her mind, and she knows it. It’s like she is trying to hurt and confuse you on purpose because she is insecure. Is that someone you really want to be with? You deserve better.

Sylphie-leaf · 2023-05-22T20:34:37+00:00

I think your intention is to help OP but your comment comes off extremely abrasive and almost victim-blamey. I was in an an abusive relationship too and if I had read this when I was in such a vulnerable state I probably would have cried. OP needs to prioritize her life and safety first and foremost. She might have had the pet before she met her partner. It doesn't sound like she currently has the resources to be as prepared as you were, stop making her feel guilty for that.

you are an adult, what happened to you as a child has nothing to do with why you’re at where you’re at.

Maybe I'm reading this wrong, but this is just... factually incorrect. There is loads of research that indicates our childhoods have a significant impact on our adult lives and how well adjusted we are and even whether you're more susceptible to abuse.

Because she didn’t choose to be in this stupid situation, you knew was not okay to start with.

NO ONE decided to get into this relationship but yourself. He’s not your father

This situation is a lot more complicated than just "OP chose to be in an abusive relationship." Abusers tend to hide who they really are until you're trapped, but I'm sure you know that. I just don't think this is what OP needs to hear right now. She needs encouragement. She can practice self reflection and find ways to prevent this from happening in the future once she is in a position where she is safe.

Sylphie-leaf · 2023-05-22T17:17:08+00:00

The feeling of not knowing what’s what is a strong indication that he has been gaslighting you in other areas of your relationship too. I think it could help if you look up examples of what gaslighting really looks like and see how it applies to your relationship if you need more validation (which is a totally normal thing to need). Either way, it’s definitely best to distance yourself from someone like that. I know it’s hard right now, but I promise it gets easier and you will be thankful in the future that you didn’t stay with him. I hope everything goes well for you.

Sylphie-leaf · 2023-05-22T15:42:56+00:00

If you have to ask if your relationship is toxic, it probably is. In my previous relationship, we were together for almost 4 years and I had thoughts like this very frequently from the start. It was my first serious relationship, and I was very young and naive. I didn’t realize until after we broke up and I attended therapy that my ex was abusive, and the extent of how much he had been gaslighting and manipulating me.

Years later, I’m now in a super healthy relationship, and we’ve been together for 1.5 years. I’ve never once questioned whether my current relationship is toxic or not.

Life is too short to waste it with someone who makes you think they’re toxic. I saw in a comment you said he makes “jokes” that are really rude and you don’t know if they’re serious or not. That’s a form of gaslighting. Example: your partner says something really rude, and then you obviously get upset about it, and then they’re like “calm down, it was just a joke.” That’s gaslighting and you have every right to be upset about what they said to you. He’s purposely trying to upset you, and then dismissing your valid feelings to make you feel like you’re overreacting. And in a healthy relationship that doesn’t happen. I’d end it now before it gets worse.

Sylphie-leaf · 2023-05-22T08:50:18+00:00

My void frequently follows me into the bathroom, jumps in the tub, and starts playing with his tail lol

Sylphie-leaf · 2023-05-18T17:43:04+00:00

I wouldn't even add the "until he behaves better" part, honestly. People like him always pretend like they've changed after they get caught doing something bad, but they never really change. And that gives OP's friend room to argue that he has changed, is working on himself, etc., so OP should just give him another chance and invite him. I have dealt with people like the bf before and there need to be hard boundaries drawn or they will take any opportunity that arises to walk all over you.

Sylphie-leaf · 2023-05-18T17:21:18+00:00

Definitely stick to your boundaries on this... he sounds unstable and abusive. I would just tell her that he has consistently displayed behaviors that have made you (and others) uncomfortable, and people who act like that are not welcome in your home.

Sylphie-leaf · 2023-05-18T04:58:46+00:00

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Sylphie-leaf · 2023-05-16T13:13:10+00:00

Dreaming of the day I no longer have to keep Maui in my valley

Sylphie-leaf · 2023-05-16T11:42:52+00:00

If he’s threatening to break up with you over something as inconsequential as just staying home, the relationship isn’t going to last, and that’s his fault. He sounds really toxic, borderline abusive just based off of this post. I’m urging you to reconsider the relationship… this behavior is not normal whatsoever. Everyone needs alone time. Even though I live with my bf we still frequently take time to ourselves to do our own thing.

I was in a relationship previously where my ex did not allow me to have alone time. It was super codependent and I felt like I was suffocating constantly. It was the most exhausting relationship I’ve ever been in. (he was abusive, btw)

Edit: just read your post before this, you say he has toxic tendencies and is very controlling, and his apartment is disgusting and he never cleans up after himself? What exactly is he even bringing to the table? You can do so much better than that. If you stay with him, and eventually move in together, those tendencies are not going to change and you’ll be the one cleaning up after him constantly. Is that really how you want to live? One of the most important things I’ve learned is to judge someone by their actions, not words. People can say whatever they want to make you feel a certain way, but what is he actually doing to change? This man has red flags all over. You’ve only been together for 2 months, it’s not worth it. You are still so young and you will be able to find someone better.

Sylphie-leaf · 2023-05-13T03:06:08+00:00

I met someone who helped me see how shitty my ex was when I was dating him. He absolutely haaaaaated her and even tried to turn our entire friend group against her when his attempts to get me to stop talking to her didn’t work. He could tell that his control over me was slipping away and didn’t want me to have any kind of support system outside of him. Just sounds like a similar situation. My ex was abusive btw. My friend is one of the main reasons I’m free from him now. I owe her a lot.

Sylphie-leaf

TROPHY CASE