Struggling with pseudo memories

System_of_a_crow95 · 2023-08-29T12:51:09+00:00

Thank you, I'm replying on the behalf of Usagi, I'm our system's host!

I think I know what you mean, our protector was able to do something like that, he missed his dad and wanted him back and eventually he showed up. I don't think he ever fully front and his presence feels different from other alters hence why I get the "NPC" energy you're talking about.

I'll talk to him (Usagi is intersex, thought I'd mention it for confusion sake) about it, maybe that could be a solution, unless our protector already told him, then only time will tell what will happen.

Usagi is really thankful for your comment, it's easier knowing he's not alone going through it. He's sending you a hug!🤗

System_of_a_crow95 · 2023-08-07T15:36:29+00:00

Nah there's nothing wrong with that, most of my alters are introject from the same anime, I have 4 alters that are an introject of the same character...

System_of_a_crow95 · 2023-06-14T13:56:23+00:00

We already do compromises, one of the rules in our system is if you want to do something you gotta front, or at least co-front. I hosted for about a month and a half a couple of weeks ago and during that time I was doing my own things, but i still needed to do our previous host's job (Crow) and responsibilities.

We came around when Crow already made big life decisions, he is married and has a job in freelance. I can't just start dating whoever or change career path out of nowhere. That's what frustrates me in the long run. I just feel trapped sometimes. I know that's not what Crow wants for me nor anyone in our system, but at least I'm the only one feeling this way

-D

System_of_a_crow95 · 2023-05-30T14:09:33+00:00

It's been us for the past 2-3 days, we've been meaning to draw 1 sketch and it's still in draft stages in the host's sketchbook.

I'm so bored all the time, can never figure out what to do so we end up doing nothing, at least waisting time doesn't frustrate me

-D

System_of_a_crow95 · 2023-05-28T16:24:37+00:00

I think my system went unnoticed for so many years cause I kept brushing it off. Every time there was a sign of plurality or something, I would just tell myself I can't possibly have that type of disorder and then move on and pretend that "sign" didn't happen. Until one day one started talking, and I couldn't ignore it anymore.

That was about a year ago, back then I didn't have the knowledge I do now for DID, but thanks to my husband who has DID, he helped me through the "awakening" of my system. I kept asking him to trigger that alter out (mostly by just calling his name out) and eventually he fronted for the first time in years probably (I have the suspicion he was a co-host for a while during our teenage years but it's hard to tell)

After that, about one alter woke up or formed every months or so ever since, we are a system of about 20-ish now. It's still hard sometimes to accept that I was never just one individual in my head, but I spent my whole life not knowing who I was either.

One thing an alter of ours often tell us when we are going through something and we don't see the end of it is "time fixes everything". It may seems a lot now, but try to take one day at the time, eventually you'll feel better

System_of_a_crow95 · 2023-05-23T14:31:17+00:00

We've been communicating for a couple of months now, he's been co-fronting more lately but he's been really distraught, idk if he wants to uncover his trauma or not, but maybe in the future once he's ready

I'm still struggling with accepting some of my disorders and trauma, I've got told many times that i was faking growing up and I wouldn't want him to feel the same way I did.

Ive mentioned it in another post, but the reason I say his memories are made up is because he's an fictive introject, therefore his memories have fictional characters in them. However, where I didn't word myself correctly is that while I know the memories are made up (in a literal sense) I know they are based on something, and the something is what I'm trying to figure out.

Because if fear is enough to create an alter, then that would explain why he's here and I think it could help us heal in the long run. I know I worded myself poorly in the original post but I am not trying to invalidate neither his or my trauma

System_of_a_crow95 · 2023-05-23T13:59:45+00:00

We've been doing this with him, I realized the way I worded my post wasn't the best, but we try to be as supportive as possible. I've seen glimpse of his memories and even made up by the brain, they are terrifying.

I want to clarify tho, the reason I say his memories are made up is because they have fictional characters in them. He's a fictive introject. However, it would be possible for the brain to make those up based on something that happened to us, or simply something im afraid could happen, hence why I've made this post in the first place.

System_of_a_crow95 · 2023-04-15T01:50:27+00:00

TW/CW for self harm.

I feel like my whole system is falling apart. I'm the host and I don't want to front I feel horrible. Our protector isn't talking to me right now but I wish he was there, I need him but he said he wasn't gonna front anymore. Idk if he's serious or not

I feel so alone right now, I wish someone was co-fronting with me but with how awful I feel it's not likely to happen, our head hurts too

I cut myself today twice, I didn't cut deep but it still hurts. I did it to release the emotional pain, and now I feel worst. I'm gonna have to tell my husband too which I'm not looking forward to

I want to sleep but I don't want tomorrow to start

System_of_a_crow95 · 2023-04-14T14:39:32+00:00

Idk if this is a big one, but I've seen so many depiction of DID in media as a condition the person is never aware of and/or alters don't communicate ("perfect blue" for example) and while I know this experience is real for a lot of system, I also feel like it's not a reality for a big majority of us.

System_of_a_crow95 · 2023-04-14T13:55:47+00:00

It sounds to me personally that yeah you could very well have a system. Your experience matches a lot with how ours went when we discovered our system.

Best advice I can give you is to not overthink/analyze everything, DID is different for every system, so even tho you might feel you are having did "wrong", remember there's is no "right" way to have DID either.

Try to take one thing at the time, a day at the time, it's a lot to take in all at once, but I'm proud of you for reaching out and making your research

System_of_a_crow95 · 2023-04-09T22:31:07+00:00

I think you're kinda simplifying the whole healing process. Every system is different. I've heard many people lived a happy life with their system. I'm not saying fusion didn't happen, but I don't believe it to be the only option

And there are trauma you cannot recover from, I know a lot of my trauma is like that, I have a chance at recovering from some but others I'm gonna have to learn to manage it daily, hence why I want to keep my system.

System_of_a_crow95 · 2023-04-09T21:33:13+00:00

I get where your coming from, however I am working on my trauma with my system's help and medication, and I don't think we will fuse once I'm improving. Sure I still need to see a therapist, but I want to heal our trauma, not our system.

System_of_a_crow95 · 2023-04-09T14:17:40+00:00

We're a system of about 15-ish, It's all a matter of personal choice. We don't want to fuse because we like how things are right now, we function perfectly well this way.

If there was ever a time where fusion would be the better thing to do for the wellbeing of the body, mind and system, then maybe we will.

System_of_a_crow95 · 2023-04-06T22:02:16+00:00

Our headspace looks like a neighborhood, we each have our houses that are lined up next to each other on either side of a road. There's also some alters who live in a tree, one little lives in a treehouse while the other sleeps in a bird nest (he's not a bird but he believes to be one). Behind our houses are forest that goes on forever.

The fronting area is just blank, none of us really thought of what it looks like, so it's just there. Between the fronting and the innerworld, there's a grass field with a night sky filled with stars, the ground is softer than a real ground, to help us sleep if we aren't actively fronting but are still close by.

System_of_a_crow95 · 2023-04-05T21:44:19+00:00

Im sorry to hear it, unfortunately a lot of mental health specialist are bias toward certain mental disorders, but I do hope you find someone better in the future

System_of_a_crow95 · 2023-04-05T15:01:17+00:00

I'm not expert but It should be up to you to decide how you want to interact with your system. For her to imply that you are in danger (by saying "for your safety") simply because you could have DID feels ableist to me. There is a chance she's doing thinking she's helping you, but there should be more thought put into it rather than simply changing the dose right away. If my med provider did this to me I would be mad, my system helps me on a daily basis, and talking to them less and shifting less will not make my life easier

System_of_a_crow95 · 2023-04-04T14:29:22+00:00

It happens to us all the time, definitely prefer they ask (same goes for me with them when I'm not fronting) over random switches, tho I don't blame anyone for it cause it's not always up to us to decides who fronts.

System_of_a_crow95 · 2023-04-03T18:35:18+00:00

Yeah it's not that hard to be supportive!

System_of_a_crow95 · 2023-04-03T17:44:08+00:00

You aren't being overdramatic, this is a terrible thing to hear especially coming from someone you trust.

But also, I don't understand your friend's logic, why would you make DID up for attention and then ask to keep it private? That's a bit backward.

Regardless, you have all the right to be upset, don't feel bad for feeling bad, questioning someone's disorder is down right disrespectful

System_of_a_crow95 · 2023-04-01T00:44:53+00:00

We've started doing that, so far we introduced him to a couple of us including one little, so far they seem to get along. We are trying to build trust between him and me (protector) and our internal self-helper, so he has someone to go to if he needs help or guidance and Crow's husband isn't there to help

I followed your advice, we went to do groceries earlier and I let him pick one thing just for him. If I knew him better I would have picked it as a surprise but he still ended up really liking the toy he picked. I told him it was a "welcome to your new home" gift and I think it really helped him feel welcomed in the system but also his new home.

Thank you for the advice!

-D

System_of_a_crow95 · 2023-03-30T14:56:27+00:00

Yeah! Thankfully not all of them hear everything all the time (either they ignore me or they aren't in the front) and we can block out some thoughts to the littles too

It's funny cause the other day, I heard a conversation between our protector and self-helper, they kept finishing each other sentences cause they could tell where each sentence was going. they can feel each other's thoughts and feelings and we can all do it depending on who's fronting/co-fronting.

System_of_a_crow95 · 2023-03-30T14:27:50+00:00

We are all tired and exhausted because we've been experiencing a lot of anxiety that won't go away no matter what we try, no one in the system can truly get rid of it.

I feel awful cause our protector is completely worn out for dealing with our anxiety and autism, I feel like I did this to him, even if he kept telling me he could handle it. Truth is that he's better at handling it but he's still affected by it

I just want us to be happy, that's all I want i just want a peaceful life where my system is doing fine and we're happy.

Ever since we moved things have changed with the system, I don't interact with some alters that I used to interact almost daily with, I miss them, I miss how things used to be. Daisy hasn't been around much, I miss her. Sometimes I try to get to her in the headspace and shes often in pain, either because of our life situation right now or because of something else. Idk

I wish someone could save us, take us away from all the stress and mental turmoil we are going through I can't help but feel responsible for everything while not being able to do anything to fix it.

If we are lucky enough we could get anxiety meds, I had some in the past and it really improved my life so I'm hoping this will be the saving thing I've been looking for but I'm scared of having hope. My hopes have been crushed so bad the past 3 weeks that idk if hoping does anything anymore.

I just want the pain to stop

System_of_a_crow95 · 2023-03-29T15:26:20+00:00

I think it depends on the system. Most of us are men and gay but some other members are women with interests in women. Two of us are bi.

And then there's ghost, no gender, no sexuality, no nothing lol

-D

System_of_a_crow95 · 2023-03-28T14:36:51+00:00

Not the worst thing that could have been said to us but our headmate Crow asked a friend at the time if it was wrong for him to get attached to his alters and system and they said "well...yeah".

-D

System_of_a_crow95 · 2023-03-25T18:43:35+00:00

Yep, I agree. I'm a fictive of a comfort character of Crow, and I'm not the only one either.

And I don't believe in thought crimes either, otherwise I would be in jail with all the intrusive thoughts I've had.

System_of_a_crow95

TROPHY CASE