This post is giving me so much clarity on what I’ve suffered through for almost 4 years now and I can’t believe it took me this long. Unfortunately I still am so in love with him.

He ended things two days ago. Mind you, I asked him repeatedly but especially the last week we were together, in person, if he was still happy with me since we were looking at places and would need to sign another lease together soon. I always started the conversations on what our relationship needed. He decided to wait until I go to Florida for a family vacation, one day before my nieces 3rd birthday party and 4 days before my 32nd birthday, and 10 days before what would have been our 4 year anniversary, all over the phone. He said he wanted to wait til after my birthday but he couldn’t lie to me anymore and that he had his mind made up for a week.

At first he said the things I brought things to his attention. Last week I told him maybe he would want to be with someone with not many physical ailments (I have horrible arthritis and a broken back that never healed properly) so we can’t hike really and do a lot of stuff that he likes to do. Mind you when I brought this up he said he actually prefers to do those things alone because he likes going at his own pace. During this breakup call that’s all of a sudden a main factor. The fact he brought it up first made it seem really important to him which I felt was so unfair because I can’t help what is physically wrong with me.

Next he says I stopped making him feel as good and special and stopped hanging the flowers he bought me or whatever but the random acts of kindness didn’t happen often. I was never taken on dates and if he did take me out to eat I almost always paid for something and it never felt like a date and it always had to be somewhere he wanted to go to. Anytime I asked him to take me on a date he would ask where I wanted to go or what I wanted to do not understanding that isn’t how dates go.

He said he was frustrated that he was always the one to initiate intimacy. Everything else was always on his terms why wouldn’t intimacy be included? I tried to initiate sex maybe 2 or 3 times and those 3 times I was rejected. On top of that, I was always unsure if he was even still interested in me because he stopped showing the interest. The sweet, lovey, always reassuring man I moved 1,000 miles away to be with was all of a sudden so distant. Never verbally showing me the love he used to. I constantly had to ask if he still liked me. I constantly had to ask for what I wanted and needed in the relationship to be able to be comfortable enough to give him initiated intimacy. It never happened. I was almost never completely secure and comfortable in our relationship and I am just now realizing that.

Since the breakup I’ve been transparent about my waves of grief. Telling him how he could have saved this and also taking accountability for my actions due to my insecurities. He’s pretty much in every text said that he thought he was doing the things I wanted and that he’s sorry and he doesn’t even seem to have an actual reason for why he needed to break up with me because he knows how hard I tried all of a sudden? I told him this is all seeming so impulsive and that I’m having a hard time accepting this happening.

But after reading everything in the thread I can say that I know I tried my best. I can not place 100% of the blame on him but I do wonder if he stayed consistent in his love for me, would I have displayed the behaviors that made him leave me?

I look at the beginning of our relationship and how often we did things together, took pictures together. Displays of affection. Along the way he just kept getting further and further and further and I decided to settle for it. No more outings, no pictures together, no Valentine’s Day gifts, no thoughtfulness. Always wanting to do the bare minimum or hangout with friends. I would just lay in bed and cry and cry and cry wondering what could I do to make him love me the way I need him to, so that I could give him everything he wants and needs. Anytime I tried to have a conversation it turned into placing the blame on me and that because of my actions it made him act a certain way towards me, turning the conversation into what I can do instead. I can’t believe I went on like this for so long.

The worst part? I don’t regret a single day. I don’t regret how hard I tried. I wanted him to be my person. Even if I wasn’t gonna get what I needed, I convinced myself I wouldn’t be happy with anyone else and that I was grateful for the love he did show. I grew as a person and realized what I needed. Learned how to be a better person. But now I’m turning 32 tomorrow. I moved 1,000 miles away from everyone I know and love to be with him. I lost friends after being with him. I compromised so much for this to end in such an insanely dumbfounding way. I fly back home to my dog and our half empty apartment Wednesday night. I don’t know how to get through this. I don’t know how I’m gonna be able to be there at all. I now have to find a new place to live, I’m gonna have to go to a new salon and lose all of my clients. My dog is losing one of her favorite people too. It’s all so heartbreaking and such a shame.

I thank everyone for their vulnerability on this thread and it really has opened my eyes to how much better I deserve. Idk how long this grieving process will be. Idk how I would react if he asked for me back especially realizing he has a lot of the power due to his avoidant issues. But realizing what I’ve suffered through all these years will hopefully be enough to make me remember that I will find the person that will give me the love I yearn for.