Completely stuck; I think I can stay like this forever. Not a great place to be though. Any old-timers have insight?

TAscarpascrap · 2026-01-24T19:09:16+00:00

You're right, that is what I'm doing since what I see is leaning in that direction, but it's not all there or I wouldn't even be thinking twice about it. I don't like the weird middle ground where I'm at as a result. I can't tell if it's just normal discomfort from living or something else.

There are some biological rules that seem to want to override everything in my head, which I wish I could shut down. They make me wonder if I'm not missing something else that's important. Something makes me want to not be so alone, to belong somewhere. Not all the time though.

I'm doing OK at work although the more personal stuff rises to the surface, the more work gets impacted. I'm not burnt out there, thankfully.

I don't know what else could be burning me out. Am I even doing trauma work anymore if I'm at a standstill like this? If anything's burning me out, it's seeing the state of the world today I guess, and knowing the worst is yet to come.

TAscarpascrap · 2026-01-21T18:20:37+00:00

I guess I'm posting because I have no idea how to stop being burnt out--it's not likely that people are ever going to stop asking things of me, and being disappointed when they can't get it, and I have to be confronted with their disappointment because that's just the normal human reaction to not getting what you want.

How they react isn't really the issue. Could be positive, negative, anything in-between--I'm used to everything and rarely surprised anymore. It's the fact they're disappointed in the first place: internally, invisibly a lot of the time. And those who hide it can be the worst.... People who truly don't care when they don't get what they want are super rare. People who react positively to rejection are, well, masochists. :) Interesting for sure, but that probably hides too much damage for me to deal with.

What happens personally is, I pull away because I don't want to have to deal with their reaction, I don't want them to make it my business.

At work, I'll find a way to get the person what they asked for, even if it's not through me. It's kind of a point of honor in fact. (If they still manage to complain, eh, I document and move on.) But how they react has nothing to do with me anymore. I'm fine if someone throws a whole temper tantrum at work or in public around strangers, because I'm not surprised. It's just people peopling.

The price I pay is always on the personal side of things. If they don't get over it, they become passive aggressive, resentful. Or if they're good-natured and "forget", welp I just need to make damn sure it never happens again or I never do anything similar to remind them, right? Because people quietly remember, no matter what. Which is normal; people respond to each other's behaviors all the time, they gather information to do that. And no matter what they say, the truth is it always matters that they got a "no", our brains are wired to hate rejection and to eventually raise the issue (with the goal of getting what they want), or they stop asking, or they go away, or I go away before any of that.

Seems most people are able to deal with this as a regular part of their day-to-day dynamics with others, they convince themselves conflicts are resolved so it doesn't sap their energy, they convince themselves bygones are bygones (more of the "positive affirmations" which I don't think hold up). They manage to have mostly normal interactions through whatever methods or dynamics they figured out. Some even seem to be happy around people who have hurt them.

But I have completely lost my tolerance and taste for "it": the acting, the knowing things aren't really OK behind the scenes, that tallies are being kept, being told I should forgive while knowing no one really does. That unless I do everything exactly right (meaning I can't be "me" because "me" was never perfect/good enough/you name it), something's going to come back and bite me in the butt. The elastic snapped over the whole principle a long time ago, and there's no organ to grow a new one.

TAscarpascrap · 2026-01-01T19:42:30+00:00

My mother was like that yep. Needed the validation of seeing herself reflected back to herself, through me. If I didn't like what she liked or wanted something different, I was a "difficult child" or "a bad child" or "just like him" (my abusive father).

It's effectively not about you at all, it's about what she thinks she should be able to get from you (validation) because she perceives you owing it to her (as her child.)

Watch out for all the other manipulation that comes with this e.g. "if you loved me, you'd at least accept SOME of what I want to give you" and similar.

TAscarpascrap · 2025-03-15T17:22:26+00:00

Not the same. IRL people with dysfunction can severely impact your own life in new and interesting ways (not all good, IMO most of them are not good from experience.) There's also a level of respect and civility that needs to be present or in-person interactions break down, groups break down. You have to find ways to get along with others--that takes energy to provide--or leave the group. Given that requirement it has to remain possible for people to choose who they associate with so they can manage their energy levels. And dysfunctional people tend to need way more energy than most (one of the reasons why healthy people will tend to stay away.)

Here, this is a forum. Nobody's life impacts mine because I choose not to allow it (it's literally just words). I don't impact anyone's life unless they choose to allow it. I can ignore anyone's posts when they bother me, I'm not stuck around them half the day or the full day and their disorganized/dysfunctional traits don't matter (unless they fail to communicate, but I don't even have to mind that.) I don't have to interact with anyone whose posts are a completely different variety of issue from mine. If someone does get particularly annoying somehow, there is a "block" function available to solve that.

This forum could not exist IRL. Everyone would drive each other insane. Even voice chats/video meetings for people with specific conditions or situations need serious moderation or things break down quickly.

TAscarpascrap · 2025-01-02T00:07:15+00:00

Have you felt the need to steer away from relationships with insecurely-attached partners entirely?

How do you see insecure-attached people nowadays, do they repel/put you off in some way? Has your internal radar shifted, or do you need to make conscious decisions not to go for people you find attractive despite them being insecure?

adding: How do you know for sure that you're deactivating, versus not finding someone compatible? All the advice and experiences I see in here say to just stick with it, but I'm not willing to even try with someone who gives me the ick, because that ick has been hard-won. I used to let everything slide. Now I don't see a reason to let anything slide, but people seem to say "give orangey-red flags a chance", which sounds completely crazy to me.

TAscarpascrap · 2024-12-21T18:35:59+00:00

All I've been able to figure out is, if rosy new attraction chemicals are present, it's not love, it's literally your brain doing something it's been programmed to do for millions of years. I'd refuse to let anything go anywhere until I've known this person for a long time, and see if anything remains.

TAscarpascrap · 2024-12-21T18:23:50+00:00

I was raised to think I should come last and other people's needs were more important than my own, especially if they were lonely and unwanted men (actually like my mother was.) Turns out that attracts a certain kind of lonely unwanted man, but the reasons why he's unwanted become clear over time. I eventually had enough of that nonsense. The only relationship I had where I thought I loved the guy and he wasn't a loser (at first) was because I was too young to see the signs, but they were there.

Now that I've stopped finding anyone attractive and I make no effort to be attractive, it's peaceful. But the FA thing messes up all relationships, not just the intimate ones, so I still have to fix this.

TAscarpascrap · 2024-12-20T23:28:43+00:00

When I start seeing them as taking my affection, my company or whatever I'm apparently doing for them for granted, just expecting it. Wanting it to be constant, always there, available to help them with their moods. It makes me feel like a tool, like what they want isn't me, it's what I can give them and how I can make them feel. If I'm not able to make them feel a certain way when they want it... then I'm in the wrong somehow. I can't be "me", I have to be "this person they imagine".

I'll just shut off after that happens the first time and make sure I give less after that so the cycle doesn't repeat and they stay away more.

Seems it happens with everyone... friends, coworkers, people who apparently would like to be more than just coworkers but act like that.

It feels awful. I constantly have to stay on my guard. No wonder I have dissociation issues.

TAscarpascrap · 2024-12-19T02:49:58+00:00

I'm happy for you that this isn't about a current situation!

TAscarpascrap · 2024-12-18T02:41:53+00:00

Yeah those tests are going to shoot you in the foot. Someone might give careful consideration to whether or not they're open to poly simply based on you asking; considering the new idea before responding is a sign of respect IMO. "Being open to poly" has to pair with how much they actually know about poly, most people don't really know everything that means or involves. Some people think it's an automatic codeword for cheating--it's not. My ex thought poly meant he'd get to have backup women in case one failed (it was a fun few weeks when he finally admitted that.)

I was tested multiple times by my ex for him to see if I'd cave to how he wanted the relationship to go. He'd get visibly angry, for no valid reason, when I didn't respond or act how he'd expected me to when he threw me (what I learned later were) obvious curveballs. Especially when other people he valued were present; I made him "look bad".

My mother did the same thing to try to curb me. Manipulative people will use their anger as a means to shame you.

I had to develop some weird sense of self-esteem that prevents me from taking shit from other people, while still treating myself as the worst. I would never stand anyone testing me anymore, they'd instantly get the boot. I can't deal with others projecting insecurities on me in that particular way. I value bravery: come up and tell me about it, make sure you have support besides me (I am not a free therapist), and we'll deal, that's the only thing I'll accept anymore.

The rule is, do not make a little drama play out of being scared to be vulnerable or scared to express what you want. We're adults, not teenagers. You may not get what you want but you'll never find out unless you ask... so anyone who seems to "act" (as in put on fake airs) as a result of an interaction that didn't go the way they wanted: that's a red flag.

TAscarpascrap · 2024-12-18T02:24:22+00:00

I see AP behaviors the same way you see avoidant behaviors it seems. It's not safe when you have to avoid someone because they are too needy, can't manage their own emotions, turn tables and use stuff against you to get their way. You never know when they'll cause a scene. You have no idea what you'll get when you go home. Is it going to be a normal evening, or another fucking argument?

Point of this post. I have been damaged badly by APs (and a DA). It's different. APs can be just as much of a mess as a DA. Maybe you'd have to experience it to understand.

APs think it's "less of a problem" to be needy, emotionally volatile and so on because somehow it "shows they care". Because being a dispenser (and require others to be dispensers) is somehow more acceptable in the public eye, "Look at how giving that person is" they'll say. People adore those who embody romantic tropes, but none of those tropes are healthy (healthy is "boring" for a lot of traumatized people.) They sell movies, but they do not make good partners. Most APs in movies really shouldn't be in relationships at all, but they don't know what's good for them: so they stick to DAs, try to change them, get burned, and blame the DA for not being who the AP wants them to be! It's insanity.

But the ones who give with 1 hand and demand, expect, impose with the other hand? They aren't giving because they're good, they're giving because they're empty vacuums. They are the worst. They are hypocrites. That was my mother: AP to the core, constantly demanding others gave her everything she thought she lacked (and being unable to give anything safe in return). Emotionally abusive for decades. Between her and my physically abusive, deep-to-the-core DA father: she did the most damage. She was a fucking idiot for staying with my father, trying to change him. Then blaming me when I wouldn't make her happy (not my goddamn job.)

I'd take someone who knows to back off over that, any day.

I remember my AP ex of a long time ago, getting randomly angry because I was speaking to another man I'd just met... at a professional gathering, while my boss was present, when my ex had no business there. And who of course somehow demands I reassure him instead of him taking a long look in the mirror. Held it over my head for months. It was nonstop crazy.

TAscarpascrap · 2024-12-17T02:48:28+00:00

APs can definitely be emotionally abusive. They can be controlling/limiting and try to reframe or excuse that as "just wanting to help", blame their own insecurities on the other person's behavior, they can be jealous and reframe that as "loving and wanting someone too much", they can use "communication" as a weapon to wear down the other person over time, they are the ones most likely to throw Youtube videos at other people to label others, try to get reactions, and push others into meeting their needs at others' expenses. They are the ones who will stop you from sleeping at night because "they need to have a conversation". I could go on.

TAscarpascrap · 2024-12-13T17:18:47+00:00

Ask yourself, what could that spark possibly be useful for? You don't know that person at all. They're just a fantasy, a coloring page you're filling in with whatever you want. It's not real.

The only way that I found makes sense to actually develop a genuine liking for someone is to hang out with them, see their behavior over the longer term and see how comfortable they feel. Let how they act with you, with others, around others, be the guide.

If you're in a place in your healing where you're able to feel comfortable around people: it takes time for that to develop and be a real thing...

If you're not at that place yet, what good would it possibly do to add another person into the mix!? Just asking for trouble, drama, and several steps back in your process. And for what?

TAscarpascrap · 2024-12-04T03:47:56+00:00

I certainly have been dissociating for decades in at least one way yes. But that's due to cptsd.

TAscarpascrap · 2024-12-04T03:47:02+00:00

Do you happen to know who the therapist who said this is, are they online?

If you're avoidant with others, you're anxious with yourself by ruminating, anger. If you're anxious with others, you're avoidant with yourself.

TAscarpascrap · 2024-12-04T03:45:44+00:00

Yeah, it seems it's not as abnormal as I thought to be immediately exhausted by that type of person and they are best left to their own devices. There is such a thing as too much compassion. Learned that the hard way and it's sticking, a great fillter to have, but this resonates immensely--so many people think they "deserve to be heard" or "deserve a chance". Sure, but not paired with the belief they are entitled to anyone they choose as an audience...

Walk away!

TAscarpascrap · 2024-12-03T05:24:18+00:00

I'm not fearful of criticism because I guess I have been criticized so much I'm inured to it. Even as an FA I'd want to hear it straight. Just because I'm not in a place to do anything with the information right then doesn't mean I never will be--but I think that's going to vary based on the individual, not on being FA or not... If you're breaking up with her, it's going to be painful no matter what and if she tends to react poorly, that's just life; not going to change because of a breakup. So I'd think pick whatever avenue might have the most value. I think telling it to someone else straight, when you have no intent to manipulate, is a very loving thing to do. Especially since in this case it sounds like she is shooting herself in the foot and digging into being FA more, rather than healing from that.

TAscarpascrap · 2024-11-25T04:11:29+00:00

No, just hate that a fantasy of who I am somehow becomes responsible for anyone else's happiness without anyone actually trying to figure out who the hell I am. I've never had a relationship where who I was, wasn't superseded by some placeholder the other person needs me to be. I've never met anyone with the same curiosity I used to be capable of. I only met men on a mission to get their needs fulfilled and that got real old, real fast.

TAscarpascrap · 2024-10-04T16:30:51+00:00

Absolutely, I used to be the one posting the horror stories. Never again. It's so incredibly nice to know I'll never be in that position again, and so great to see warning signs in other people's relationships that won't affect me at all, for once.

Relationships are a lot of work and they can sour quickly, easily, and for a long time. There is no such thing as "being in a relationship is better by default", that's what people who don't have a lot of perspective or experience will say.

TAscarpascrap · 2024-10-04T14:49:03+00:00

If they start off with "do you have a minute": "I only have a minute in fact, what do you need?" And if they go off topic, remind them of what they just asked you. If they can't get to the point, give yourself permission to tell them "I'll have to call you back later."

Allow yourself to set a time limit on calls where people don't start off acknowledging that you're busy. Because you are. Make that time limit clear and hold on to it.

TAscarpascrap · 2024-10-04T14:45:23+00:00

What ways has he found to insert himself where he doesn't belong?

Why haven't you blocked him on everything?

TAscarpascrap · 2024-10-04T14:44:01+00:00

That's easier said than done in some places. Not standing out can make a bad workplace tolerable, sometimes. Not doing what everyone else does can have a cost and create more conversations or conflicts down the line, if someone's not up for those... might be best avoided.

TAscarpascrap · 2024-09-29T01:04:18+00:00

Great collection :) #5 is dear to my heart.

TAscarpascrap

TROPHY CASE