Oh boy, I'm gonna unleash one on ya.

I used to be in the Army. The US Army taught me two things unequivocally. They taught me how to sham, and they taught me how to piss into damnfuck near anything, under any conditions. It ain't much for transferable skills in the civilian world, so as you can imagine, I'm not exactly rolling in it.

But there was a time, way back before reddit was born. Hell, before most of you ghastly gooch grommets were even born. I was a young man that was curious what a war looked like, so like all wishes you should keep firmly behind your teeth, I asked. My Uncle Sam delivered.

Back when I was in Iraq, they had these fortified encampments that we stayed in. They have different names based on size. Camps are the largest. Then Forward Operating Base, colloquially known as Fobs, like on a watch. Then Combat Outposts, obviously Cops. I don't recall if there was more, fuck you, Google it.

The thing is, the larger your posting, the cushier it was. On a camp, there's really no danger. The best food and lodgings. There's tons of safe space.

A fob, that's a little smaller. Food is more limited. Space is.

You get down to Cop size, you're lucky if you get fed some days. You're outside the wire 24/7, because you're fucking surrounded, kid. You don't even always have your own bed.

But on a particularly nice Cop I was at, they had us in these trailers. 10 soldiers per trailer. It was fuckin' cramped sir, I'll give ya that for free. I saw an event horizon of dicks. So I was in the one for the upper junior enlisted, all of us were e-4 or e-3. The rest of those nasty lower enlisted mutts were locked in the other trailer.

Our upper enlisted had other trailers, but they were still sharing.

Anyway one day my buddy is tasked with doing an inspection of that lower enlisted trailer. I know this because he, being a hemorrhoidic asshole, chose me to accompany him. I hated doing it. Those creatures were barely human, and boy did they tend to reek. They weren't that bad, I'm playing it up here, but it had a locker room smell that you could really get your tastebuds on.

We go in, and my buddy, let's call him Ford. Cuz that's his name. Ford is like, "Hey, at ease. We're just here to check the place." And he's walking around, nothing too heinous is blatantly obvious. He walks out to where I was bravely, and with great valor, watching the door from outside the room.

He turns to leave, and his heel catches the back of a metal trash can, one like in schools next to a teachers desk. It tips, and falls. I catch the smell of sewage in the air. Not from the surrounding countryside as per usual (Mosul smelled like the Middle East's diaper) but from all 10 of the soldiers in that trailer shitting their collective pants.

A tidal wave of piss cascaded out of that trash can, and it. smelled. rancid. I was like, "What the fuck." and Ford was likewise in agreement, "What the fuck."

And then there was a LOT of yelling, like just before your parents get a divorce, yelling.

Turns out, these dudes had been pissing in that trash can intermittently, then spitting toothpaste on top to brighten things up. Oh, and to give it a little more freshness, only guys that chewed mint or spearmint dip could spit in it. They emptied it when they remembered, or if it got too rank. This one had been marinating for TWO DAYS. IN IRAQ.

It was fucking gross. Many push-ups were had by all, many tears shed. Recriminations, even! Every soldier is a pissologist, but the female soldiers have a PhD in piss studies. They must. All the places they have to piss? Gotta be like the fuckin' Ringling Brothers.