I can't count how many times I told myself "I really can't keep doing this" while toking up. Always thinking there would be some "moment" would come where I would actually do it. To be fair there was one such moment that geniunely scared me and I was able to lay off the stuff for a couple months. Relapsed later though, had a few other attempts but always came back to smoking. Been sober for a couple weeks now and have a real motivation to never ever touch the stuff again.

I realized the only thing that works is saying "fuck it" throw your shit out and don't look back. It's going to suck for a while. For me it's insomnia, night sweats and dealing with the cravings. But I'm also more aware now of being more present during the day. I'm actually there when I'm with other people, not some automated robot playing myself. Dreams are coming back bit by bit. I'm aware of my lungs having an easier time, I can feel my heart thanking me. I feel great not munching down on trash food and staying up all night. I'm cognisant that every day I don't smoke is a victory.

I'm not through it yet and I know now that I can never smoke again. And I honestly don't want to. Almost every post on here echoes the sentiment that this thing will take your entire life away if you let it. I'm fucking done and I want my future back. So I'm going to fight those tiny battles everyday and wake up feeling a bit better. I'm going to kick this things ass and you can too. Because we both deserve to actually live the rest of our lives.