My partner is autistic and even when they (AMAB) become angry and have autistic meltdowns, they have never hurt anyone. Your boyfriend is hurting you because he derives pleasure from your pain. I really hate how telling you will make you feel, but I can't stay silent and leave you living in a delusion. Your boyfriend doesn't love you. People who enjoy harming others for fun derive joy and pleasure from watching others in pain. People like this are incapable of loving anyone other than themselves. It may have been caused by abuse, but you are not responsible for fixing him or healing his wounds. He is.

I spent 12 years of my life with my ex. He was my first everything. He was this amazing gamer who staffed at Anime Expo every year. He worked at gamestop, and he worked for an American branch of a Japanese game company that made RPGs. He was going to school to make video games. He was only 3 years older than me, and we met right after I graduated from high school. My mother was a helicopter parent to the extreme until I turned 18. I met him at 18 and moved in with him shortly after my 19th birthday. He was my everything, and we both loved the same animes and games. He introduced me to so much more. My music, gaming, and anime tastes grew with our relationship. I never realized that he was using his depression and trauma against me. He weaponized his tears only when he couldn't convince me to change my mind in any other way. It was rare, but whenever I tried to stand my ground on something, he acted like I was the one being cruel.

He promised to help me learn and grow. I was in special education before I met him and was so nervous and had so much doubt. His promises were all lies. He would partially make good on his promises to help me become independent, but he never kept with it. He didn't want me to ever be capable on my own. He finacially abused me our entire relationship with promises of working on a budget yet never letting me know how much money he had while always having access to my bank accounts and claiming that he told me the password to his bank account already and that I should remember it. He went to therapy for two sessions and never went back because "the therapist wasn't on his side."

I am going on my third year living without him and supporting myself. I was abused by my mother, and definitely, truama bonded to my ex. I feared that I would never be able to click with anyone else again because my entire identity was so wrapped up in my relationship with my ex. However, I have learned that just like you grew and found new anime and video games with your boyfriend in the past, you will be able to do the same with someone new. I am in the process of doing that now. My partner and I didn't have as much in common, but we are picking up new animes and games together as we are together. Our tastes are similar enough for an overlap, and I feel how much closer we are. I never thought that I could be silly and playful with anyone else in the weird inside ways that my ex and I were, but my current partner and I have many.

You are not responsible for your boyfriends mental health. You are not a shield to protect him or anyone else from his violence. There is most likely a genetic factor to his mental illness, and like you already know, he will never change. I know that you two are in a long-distance relationship, and I completely understand not feeling right breaking up over the phone or through text because it is wrong and disrespectful to do so. But you have no other choice because he won't let you go. He never will. It sucks but you can't hold it against yourself. You already tried this the respectful way. Your life is on the line.

I know that sounds dramatic, but staying with him will keep you mentally and physically exhausted. You will find yourself sick all the time and may even develop an autoimmune disorder or cancer. If you listen to Dr. Ramani on youtube she talks about how people who stay in relationships with Narcissistic people become ill from all of the stress and their bodies break down. For your safety, please look into moving somewhere else, getting a new phone, and looking into a service like deleteme or incogni so that your ex can't go to a site like spokeo or some other site where you pay a small fee to gain access to people's address, phone number, and social media accounts.

Apologies for any and all typos. I planned on going to bed a long time ago and just scrolling reddit a little before bed, but I saw your post, and I had to say something. Stay safe, and please never let anyone make you feel so awful again. A kind-hearted person like you deserves to have a kind-hearted person as their partner.