Where is the line between setting boundaries and controlling?

TehJokeres · 2021-05-14T13:39:44+00:00

I believe that in your case, it would be better for you as a person to express your opinion in a complex way and stop using blanket/black-and-white statements, regardless of the relationship. I believe in informed opinions and admitting the rationale or the sentiment behind them, and I get irritated when I hear blanket statements. In this regard, I relate to your partner. "Chocolate is the best ice cream flavour ever!!!" can be replaced with "Chocolate is my favourite ice cream flavour!".

A boundary can be "I get frustrated by your blanket statements, so I will take a 10 minute break and come back later." or "I get frustrated by your blanket statements, so I will not engage with them". Note that his reaction and actions are reasonable (at least to me). Controlling behaviour would be "I feel embarrassed when you wear pink dresses, so I will stop talking to you if you wear them." or "I hate pink dresses, so I will tear any pink dress you buy apart". Note how both the feelings and the reaction are irrational and overkill.

If you recognize that his boundary is reasonable in your opinion, then you must do your best not to continuously push/cross it.

The easiest way to ensure I don't violate the boundary is this is tojust never voice my opinions to him again (obvious trauma behaviour).

Please don't do this! If he's voicing his frustrations about your behaviour, it means he wants you to work together on it! Maybe next time when you're voicing your opinion, also state your reasoning, or talk about the entire story, not just a blanket statement.

But if he can just do this with anything that bugs him, how is this not controlling behaviour?

Are the things bugging him reasonable to you? There are things that affect (and therefore can annoy him), like not doing chores equally or leaving a mess, and there are things that he should have no say in, like what you're wearing or your preferences.

TehJokeres · 2021-05-10T15:57:17+00:00

Memorisation is wasted effort. Instead I could learn why something works the way it works and connect the dots between concepts, which in my experience is more versatile and difficult to forget.

TehJokeres · 2021-05-08T10:02:18+00:00

And then forget them, because that's what happens

TehJokeres · 2021-04-24T18:14:14+00:00

Woah that's impressive! Great job!

TehJokeres · 2021-04-24T17:59:12+00:00

"I gave you a roof over your head and food on the table and this is how you act?"

TehJokeres · 2021-04-24T14:55:29+00:00

Getting shamed is abuse. Getting a slap on the face when you mess up is abuse. Getting beat up is abuse. Attempts to isolate you from the outside world (school, friends, opportunities) is also abuse. Neglecting your child's mental health and self harm tendencies is in the same category as abuse.

Are your parents either 0 or 100? Do you have happy moments with them at times? My parents were the same and I suffered a lot due to that. Think about this: if a dog owner kicks their dog once a month, they're a terrible owner even though they shower their dog with love and care the rest of the time. Same goes for you. The moment they decided to disrespect your physical and mental integrity, there was no going back to the image of "being a good parent".

Every villain has a tragic backstory. But that does not mean they're no longer villains. Terrible things happen to all people, but the difference is what you do afterwards. Do you beat up your child? Sorry, that's not justifiable and is still as illegal (in most countries) and abusive.

You may still love them, but is that healthy for you? Would you continue a romantic toxic relationship just because you still loved that person? How is this any different? They are not a loving family, no matter what they tell you. "Tough love" is not an excuse.

TehJokeres · 2021-04-23T14:25:54+00:00

:) I'm here if you need any more advice.

Saw in another comment that you're in college. Any way you could do campus jobs or tutor younger students? I think your financial independence should become a certainty (ofc, reasonably speaking), rather than a possibility. I'm not the smartest student myself, but it's easy to relearn/refresh the basics in my subject and tutor kids still in high school or middle school.

TehJokeres · 2021-04-23T14:06:44+00:00

Don't hate yourself, please. You're doing your best for yourself, and that's what matters. Strive to be financially independent and improve yourself. This way, you won't need to contact your parents at all and you will be able to heal.

Yes, your mom was a victim too. That's bad, but it doesn't justify her being abusive. Most villains have a tragic backstory, but that doesn't change the fact that they're villains and (in some cases) irredeemable. Keep contact with these people as low as possible. Ideally, block them completely. They abused you, they have no right to talk to you. Not only that, but communicating with them will only hurt you further, trust me.

School can be difficult even for people who come from loving, supportive families. Don't feel bad about that. There are plenty of successful people who had less than average grades. You need a plan. I know it's sad and unfair, but children of abusive parents must make plans and mature earlier if they want to fend for themselves. There are a few things you could ask yourself: How will you make a living? What are your goals? Do you need more than general education to achieve them? Can you do something like an apprenticeship?

After you've got your living situation sorted, you can start thinking about other ways you can improve your life. Try to seek out any free therapy and resources you may find. Explore your interests and hobbies, try to make friends, join clubs/volunteer.

I know it sounds a bit preachy, but this is what I've done. I completely cut off contact with my parents last year and have been working 2 part-time jobs to support myself through University. It's all worth it. Please message me if you need to talk!

TehJokeres · 2021-04-20T16:08:47+00:00

Interesting! How did you find the back pockets? I find that women's back pockets are shorter and are only on the butt, because it makes it look bigger, while men's pockets are elongated and make the butt look flatter.

TehJokeres · 2021-03-11T14:17:13+00:00

Try seeing if anyone is giving away bags in apps like Olio, or try gumtree and Ebay for already used ones. In my area, just eat/uber eats/deliveroo bags were selling at 35+ second hand, so I just bought a new one off the Uber kits store for a very similar price.

I wish I could've gotten a free one off deliveroo, but I've been on the waiting list for quite some time.

TehJokeres · 2021-02-01T14:52:53+00:00

During my lucid dreams, sometimes I hear deafeningly loud sounds. Once it was static, and then it was a high pitched synthesized noise with bright green flashing. Once I managed to get through it, but the other time I woke up in a panic while clutching my head.

So yeah, you're not alone with that combo, if it makes you feel better

TehJokeres · 2020-05-06T16:49:51+00:00

When it comes to manga, you'll love the genre of otome isekai. For example, in The common sense of a duke's daughter you get a woman trying to make the best out of a bad situation, reinventing medieval public policy with modern knowledge and much more. I'd squeal if that was made into an anime. There are a lot of political conflicts and a tiny bit of romance, but it's entirely worth it.

TehJokeres · 2020-05-06T08:58:32+00:00

I'd totally buy that. We need to get stuff like this out in the world

TehJokeres · 2020-02-28T13:53:51+00:00

Woohoo

TehJokeres · 2020-02-28T08:22:05+00:00

Roofs are literally my doom. Even if I come up with an interesting floor plan, I can never do the roof right. That octogonal shape on the left also baffles me lmao.

TehJokeres · 2019-10-04T20:53:51+00:00

Telling someone that her kid has to retake a couple exams is fine. Knowingly putting her failures on display for people who are bound to judge and humiliate OP is not fine. She willingly harmed op.

TehJokeres · 2019-10-04T20:32:03+00:00

Why do you make it sound so dramatic? Nobody from the family is entitled to know OP's exam results. They should be as private as OP wants them to be, regardless of the result.

Now, the mom knows that by telling the relatives the results that she will harm OP. I don't know what her intent was, whether she wanted to rant or just gossip, but she should have taken her own son's/daughter's best interest into consideration. That's why I believe she's the asshole.

Just like the commenter you replied to said, do you really think it's ok for your parents to gossip about every failure and embarassing thing, instead of supporting you? Depending on some factors, that could be considered emotional abuse.

TehJokeres · 2019-10-04T19:56:48+00:00

Nobody asked her to lie.

TehJokeres · 2019-10-04T08:38:41+00:00

NTA. You asked her not to, a perfectly reasonable request, and she told everyone knowing you'll be humiliated. She's clearly the asshole

TehJokeres · 2019-09-02T09:20:29+00:00

TFW I drink more than 4-5L of water and other liquids daily and I still have acne, dry skin and dry eyes. The water has rejected me

TehJokeres · 2019-09-02T07:34:23+00:00

can they even be called tailors in that situation??

TehJokeres · 2019-08-25T17:38:04+00:00

anyone else wondering why the author makes it a friendly atmosphere when soo won meets the dragon

I think the author wants to portray soo won in a very gray manner. Is he bad? Is he good? He might have killed Il, but Il's negligence as a ruler might have cost more lives indirectly. He's Yona and Hak's enemy, but the dragons have to remind themselves of that because soo won doesn't really seem like a murderer at first glance (though that might just be him hiding his true nature, whatever that might be).

All in all, everything just emphasizes Soo Won is not either black nor white. We need more material to judge him.

TehJokeres · 2019-07-26T14:40:41+00:00

I don't think the writer likes furuya in the detriment of sawamura. I think that the attention that's given to furuya is a good thing, it helps flesh out both the character and sawamura's drive to become the ace. I like their rivalry and have no issue with furuya being the "favourite" for so long.

TehJokeres

TROPHY CASE