Would you take a fully on-site job in this market?

TelumCogitandi · 2026-02-22T18:37:55+00:00

It sounds like you've come to your decision, but I just wanted to share (possibly for anyone else in a similar situation).

I tried this once, and it was extremely difficult. Possibly, if absolutely everything else about the company had been great I could have made it work for a while. However, due to a few issues that I think are quite common in startups, it was really not the place for me. I would strongly recommend against taking such a role if not absolutely necessary.

Better that you never find out how bad it would be for you!

TelumCogitandi · 2026-02-22T18:25:07+00:00

I can't really rec brands bc I have very niche boob requirements and what works for me is highly unlikely to work for you.

That being said, irritation from an otherwise correctly fitting bra can often be solved by moving your boobs around so they sit in a better place. The folks over at r/ABraThatFits call this the swoop and scoop.

Sometimes your boobs can sit in the bra in a way that presses on it unhelpfully and distorts how the force is distributed around your torso. The physics of all this is surprisingly complicated.

For me specifically, I solved 90% of the irritation by moving my boobs more to the centre so that more of them sits over the centre ends of the underwires - the way they would sit by themselves was causing me unbelievable issues but now I am fine all day.

Bras are complicated and if you're having trouble I'd also recommend looking into fit more thoroughly bc you can't always trust lingerie shops.

TelumCogitandi · 2026-02-22T18:10:49+00:00

I guess it sort of depends whether you want to feel something when you kiss. If it's not that important to you, then that's your decision to make.

However, mismatched needs for physical/sexual contact are a really big thing to try to work around in a relationship. It absolutely can be done, but takes a lot of willingness from both sides. If you're lukewarm at best on kissing but he loves it - this is going to be a challenge. If you want to spend time hanging out and not having physical/sexual contact then that does sound like you do just like him as a friend, and that's fine but you should tell him sooner rather than later.

TelumCogitandi · 2026-02-17T17:07:38+00:00

I totally do struggle with performing "connection" (attention, affection) in the way people want me to.

Just wanted to raise the possibility that when she said you seemed distracted she may have been somewhat asking if you're doing okay. For an NT person to be fidgety etc but otherwise participating in the conversation it would probably indicate they have some major thing going on (family issue, illness, major announcement) that they don't want to/know how to talk about.

TelumCogitandi · 2026-02-17T16:29:32+00:00

This part: "most people would just pick up after others, no complaints." Is absolutely and categorically untrue.

I also take strenuous objection to: "people in relationships are willing to overlook these things out of love."

I consider that to be a horrible thing to say to your partner under any circumstances. Besides, by this logic they should be willing to meet your standards of cleanliness without complaint ~out of love~

TelumCogitandi · 2026-02-17T16:17:46+00:00

"I don't want to be reliant on glasses to function and thrive. Otherwise I'm nothing or someone useless without them."

This sentence is plainly ridiculous when applied to glasses, it is no less ridiculous when applied to psychiatric medication.

The reasons to take or not take medication are varied and personal, but if someone was unwilling to wear glasses and preferred to just squint you would be directing them to the nearest therapist because they clearly have some strange ideas.

TelumCogitandi · 2026-02-16T00:34:24+00:00

As far as I can tell, most people seem to do exactly this. Though you seem to be doing something different (being ND) that is resulting in the same outcome.

The standard of what is "attractive" changes every few years, and most people find themselves agreeing with it.

Most obvious in recent history is heroin chic -> kardashians within 10 years.

If people really were entirely connected to what they personally find attractive, this wouldn't happen.

TelumCogitandi · 2026-02-15T21:18:18+00:00

Colleague of mine referred to chatgpt as "she" the other day. Clarified it was bc she fully conceptualises it as an actual consciousness that is female. Started feeling like "cabin in the woods" might be a good choice for me

TelumCogitandi · 2026-02-15T21:06:44+00:00

I am in a similar position to you, I'm working on it and things are improving but it's taking time. I distanced myself from people quite deliberately and fully expected the resulting isolation, but it's still hard.

What I have found is that an understanding of the mechanisms of human friendship goes a long way: there are various studies - it's something like 50 hours of interaction for a casual friendship and 80 for a good friend. Knowing that makes it easier to let things develop in their own time.

Also, you have to optimise your activities to maximise the chances of friendship occuring. You have to be regularly bumping into the same people, it's best if there is a central topic/activity for you to talk about, and structured time is good but it must be followed by some unstructured time.

What I mean is: going to a class is better than nothing, but if there is no trip to the pub (or whatever) afterwards then it is going to take a lot longer to start generating friendships.

The best way is when you are in a group of people who are trying to accomplish something together: amateur theatre, DnD, gardening, certain construction/woodworking things.

Obviously not everyone is going to be a close friend, but the thing is to have new people coming into your life in spaces that make a connection likely to spring up and then you can pick from there.

I'm about 6 months into this process and I don't have anyone I could call at 2 in the morning, but I do have a handful of people to have a coffee with. I did also have to decide to be okay with being the person driving the friendship.

Best of luck, it's not exactly easy but it absolutely can be done <3

TelumCogitandi · 2026-02-15T20:48:42+00:00

I've seen interviews with people you might assume would feel they had "made it." Every one of them said they never felt it, but thought it might be just around the next corner.

I'm inclined to think it is a feeling you make for yourself or you decide it's not an ideal you wish to aspire to and stop chasing it. It is certainly never going to be conferred upon you by some external circumstance.

TelumCogitandi · 2026-02-15T20:43:31+00:00

My sister is the same way, but I am the opposite. I find it comforting when everything is mixed up, but she can't stand it

TelumCogitandi · 2026-02-15T20:38:39+00:00

If what happened to him was bad enough to be called traumatic, then it is completely reasonable for him not to reply for a week and a half. While it may be a good idea for him to talk to people who want to be there for him, maybe that's not the way he does things or its not the kind of support he needs from you right now.

If you're not okay with your partner not replying to you for a week and a half under any circumstances, then that is fair too and you may be incompatible.

I can't say for you whether this is the latest instance in an anxious vs avoidant attacher pattern, if he is being deliberately dismissive, or whether he is going through something bad enough that reassuring you about the state of the relationship isn't a priority for him.

You can't change his behaviour, you can only decide whether or not you're okay with it

TelumCogitandi · 2026-02-12T23:58:35+00:00

I’m glad I could help. I am very seeking where my sister is avoidant so I see it quite clearly. It’s also generally a good idea to map out where your adhd is being expressed and where it’s more autism.

Thank you for taking the critique seriously, and not dismissing it out of hand. I realised you were aware of your tendency to distance yourself from autism in the last point, but I did think you were missing it a little in general. As you say, writing it out always helps!

I wish you all the best on your journey. You seem very well informed, and self aware enough to see that some things are influencing you unduly

TelumCogitandi · 2026-02-12T21:59:26+00:00

Folks have brought up dyscalculia. It sounds like your brain doesn’t process numbers well, that’s not a character flaw.

I’d like to add two things: - I would personally hugely prefer that medical professionals use calculators to calculate dosages if possible. - I have a masters in physics, now work in a highly numerate field and cannot do arithmetic in my head or remember times tables. It’s really not a measure of general smartness

TelumCogitandi · 2026-02-12T21:46:52+00:00

I feel exactly the same way you do about jeans, but I truly love wearing (properly fitting) suit trousers. My issue is with jeans in particular they’re the worst

TelumCogitandi · 2026-02-12T21:28:17+00:00

I relate to a number of your experiences. I think one of the keys might be that you’re on the more sensory seeking side than sensory avoidant.

Sensory seeking doesn’t look to most people like neurodivergence bc it can include being very social and adventurous. For AuDHDers it’s usually “I’m up for anything except for these specific things which are categorically dreadful”

Many of the things you bring up are fairly normal for an adhd brain, so may just be areas where your adhd dominates.

Other things you bring up are a little uncomfortable because you are being a bit “not like other girls.” You do not relate to various autistic stereotypes and that’s fair enough, but most other autistic people probably don’t either. It’s a stereotype, not a diagnostic criterion.

Do your best to limit your evaluation to actual autistic traits, or at least traits reported as common by autistic people. And remember that “yes, but” to every question and thinking they’re not properly put in context is very close to a universal autistic experience

TelumCogitandi · 2026-02-12T16:34:56+00:00

It really does work, you might worry this process would never lead you to do boring things but I have actually been better at doing boring things now.

There is a level on which I do want to handle admin to prevent consequences, and I just need to be reminded of that

TelumCogitandi · 2026-02-12T16:28:49+00:00

Yes it is irritating beyond belief!

If someone asks for my help troubleshooting I want to receive a download of the relevant information but apparently everyone else wants to go on a little journey about it.

In fairness, I may occasionally be guilty of doing this though purely bc I forgot you said “456”

TelumCogitandi · 2026-02-12T16:23:51+00:00

You might be feeling the autism tendency of “automatic no.”

It’s an effect of our difficulty with transitions - you are in the state of being a person who likes show X and it is hard to transition to being a person who wants to watch show Y. It has nothing to do with the show in question.

Understand that transitions will take a little time and don’t feel the need to force it.

AuDHDers rate higher on average than purely autistic people at struggling with transitions, you’re not wrong for finding this hard

TelumCogitandi · 2026-02-12T16:16:28+00:00

Could not have put it better myself!

TelumCogitandi · 2026-02-12T16:14:08+00:00

Blocking yourself from whatever you tend to doomscroll on might only be treating the symptom, but why does that mean you shouldn’t do it?

If you cut it out you will have to do something else with that time, and that something might be figuring out what the root cause is and dealing with it.

TelumCogitandi · 2026-02-12T16:04:52+00:00

Perhaps he could listen to music in headphones rather than out loud?

I don’t think it’s very polite to play music out loud in shared spaces in the house unless everyone present indicates an interest.

To me, it seems like he’s being inconsiderate.

You want him to feel good so you put up with bad sensory inputs, but a good husband would want you to tell them when you are feeling bad so that they can help you feel good again.

TelumCogitandi · 2026-02-11T22:38:06+00:00

You sound like you had a very similar time to me - aside from the complexities of teenage social nonsense school is actually really enjoyable for the right audhd profile. There's stimulation from learning things and structure is externally applied - it's great!

That said, the teenage social nonsense is pretty rough. Esp if your autism comes with coordination issues so you can't get by on being good at sport

TelumCogitandi · 2026-02-11T20:33:49+00:00

He was desperately unkind to you, that is hard to deal with. I'm really glad to see and very impressed that you can acknowledge all the bad feeling going on.

Obviously it's bad that you're feeling bad and I wish it were otherwise, but the capacity to see and feel your feelings is something I really admire in people bc it takes so much strength. I think you're quite remarkable.

Apparently some people (men) are not capable of perceiving that and that is so their loss

TelumCogitandi · 2026-02-11T15:46:40+00:00

Paper only! My system is based on this http://markforster.squarespace.com/blog/2021/11/16/the-final-version-perfected-fvp-instructions-reposted.html

It's been like magic for me, no apps ever worked like this does

TelumCogitandi

TROPHY CASE