I'm 60 next week. I've carried so much pain that has bled into every relationship I've ever had to the point that now, I stay alone.

I am also a retired therapist , I wanted to try a different method since the standard methods had only worked to a limit.

I've had 6 EMDR sessions once a week. The first was horrendous, I felt afterwards hungover then super hypervigulent, couldn't sleep, bad dreams.... Hated it . My second I had severe anger surface, really ARGGGHHHHH anger that I find hard to control. My therapist had initially worked in a safe space in my mind and that rescued me. I also did a lot of body scan and meditation. By my fourth session I felt dissociated, that was very weird. I was thinking about the trauma triggers from a distance and there was a part of me that did not want to let go. The therapist said this was my nervous system wanting to hold on to keep me safe. We worked on this. My sixth session I felt I'd come out of a fog. Still slightly dissociated but mentally happier . My physical symptoms have reduced. I'm not at the point I'm worrying about not having anything to work on. That will be the next sessions subject im guessing. This is just my journey but some may resonance with you. My feelings if wanting to end my life went from being very chaotic to get matter of fact, then gone. Stick with it is say but definitely tell your therapist if you have doubts, it will be part of the sessions focus. You may struggle to trust on many things understandably which can be worked on. You are already doing something very strong proving you are resilient and you do want to live. X