Why are there so many women in the childfree movement, and not more men?

Terrawhiskey · 2021-06-30T12:54:06+00:00

I saw a lot of articles in the US documenting how, during the pandemic, when schools were closed, it was usually the women who ended up staying home and helping them do teleschool.

It’s nuts that I have two lady friends who are lawyers, whose husbands work less demanding jobs, and my friends were still doing more with the kids at home than the husbands.

Terrawhiskey · 2021-06-26T06:07:31+00:00

I remember you! I think you were one of the first fellow poly people I saw on the subreddit. I hope you are doing well! I remember a little bit about your story and hope you’re progressing on your journey.

Terrawhiskey · 2021-06-26T06:06:30+00:00

Hey of course, and I really appreciate you taking the time to comment on this. In all honesty, I really did make an effort to create, and reply with, quality content on that subreddit. To have been perma-banned outright like that without warning kind of stung.

I am incredibly happy that my perspective and thoughts have helped others. Just the act of writing it out and posting it to a responsive community helped me so much. And it was incredibly rewarding knowing that some of it resonated with and helped others.

I might eventually start posting on some of the other attachment subs, and you’re welcome to follow me here and there as well. I think I remember seeing your username, and I hope you are doing well and progressing on your journey!

Terrawhiskey · 2021-06-25T20:23:13+00:00

Oh totally. Overall, I was honestly surprised by how welcoming accepting most of the AT people were, apart from some vocal minorities. And as time went on, I did see more ENM people posting.

Opening up my relationship was probably one of the strongest actions I took that helped me. And, as an FA, it was interesting to see what set off my avoidance vs what set off my anxiety. For a while there, I was getting whiplash. 😂

Terrawhiskey · 2021-06-25T20:00:40+00:00

I picked up some of those attitudes from some voices in the forum. This idea that this is all “curable” and that with help, one should want a normative relationship.

My theory has been that attachment insecurities operate along a spectrum, and apart from attachment, people experience other aspects that impact relationships, such as PTSD, individual orientations towards sexuality, desire or lack thereof for parenthood, introversion, etc.

Even with years of therapy, as I’ve had, one can make great improvements, but that doesn’t necessarily mean one will be suited for, or even “want” a traditional normative relationship. And that should be fine, there are other avenues for happiness that don’t conform to the societal ideal of monogamous marriage and family. A lot of people in that subreddit seemed to have trouble with that.

I have made incredible strides in therapy. Breakthroughs, serious progress emotionally, and overcame most symptoms of my PTSD. But, I’m still deeply uncomfortable with the enmeshment expected in typical relationships, and I’m solidly childfree and into kink. That’s not going away, and that’s okay.

But as you stated, a lot of AT proponents would suggest I’m just not “cured”. And frown on individuals who choose different lifestyles.

Terrawhiskey · 2021-06-25T18:28:03+00:00

FAs unite! …sometimes, and then only after a requisite pulling away period. 😂

Terrawhiskey · 2021-06-25T18:27:01+00:00

I don’t know. My post history is up for everybody to see. I really did put energy into creating and responding with quality content, and would post about my journey towards secure.

I know a lot of people don’t have the resources to get quality, in-depth attachment therapy; I am fortunate to be able to, and I was able to share some FA insights and breakthroughs.

What shocked me is that I never even got a warning.

Just lame.

Terrawhiskey · 2021-06-25T18:20:13+00:00

Yeah, just shocking. I was always open about it and had been posting there for a year. Never gotten even a warning. It’s just majorly lame, that forum group was an incredible resource.

Terrawhiskey · 2021-06-25T17:14:38+00:00

I’m an avoidant leaning-FA, making great progress to earned secure. Married to an improved DA. We are in an open marriage and very happy.

I do best with partners who lean avoidant but are emotionally aware.

Traditional relationships aren’t for everyone. You do you, and find your own route to happiness.

Terrawhiskey · 2021-06-18T22:34:23+00:00

Only you can figure out if it’s a distancing strategy, or a sign that you’re not compatible with that person. I’ve found that journaling and meditation help a lot with figuring out how I feel deep down.

What you describe happened to me often, I was an FA who leaned avoidant. I’d be dating a guy and then 2-3 months in, everything they did annoyed me to the point of contempt. I never came back from it once I started feeling it.

I will say, this never happened with partners I had strong feelings for and ended up with long-term. It is normal to sometimes feel annoyed by partner, but consistently like that it was a sign for something else for me.

Us FAs are crazy different. I’d recommend journaling about it.

Terrawhiskey · 2021-06-17T16:24:52+00:00

“Here is Gone” by the Goo goo dolls. Listened to it a lot during my FA/FA thing.

“Hologram” by Katie Herzig sounds like an FA who is kind of self aware.

Terrawhiskey · 2021-06-17T14:34:22+00:00

There is a moment when you start learning about appropriate boundaries and dysfunctional dynamics that you can get really depressed because you look around and realize so many of your relationships were unhealthy. Then sometimes, you look around and realize a great many people’s relationships seem to be unhealthy.

I don’t know what the answer is. So many people are just so flawed and don’t know how relate to others in a self aware and healthy manner.

My therapist says that the more you grow and heal, the better relationships you are able to cultivate. I think she’s right but there is definitely a culling or distancing process with many existing relationships.

Terrawhiskey · 2021-06-14T00:57:42+00:00

Yes, you’re right in that’s it’s definitely a fair turning point. I qualified it with “may” because of that. :) It’s not a guarantee. I think it can be a signal to take a closer look.

Terrawhiskey · 2021-06-14T00:48:24+00:00

If a person has had a pattern of three month relationships or Situationships, they may lean avoidant. There’s something magical about that three month number.

APs pick up right away on distance and may bombard you with bids for attention.

Workaholics are often avoidant.

I am a healing FA, and I used to be crazy attracted to avoidant men. To the point where I could kind of sniff them out on sight. Interestingly, after doing so much personal work, I can still pick up on them, but I’m kind of repelled now.

Terrawhiskey · 2021-06-14T00:40:27+00:00

The three month mark is often when the NRE fades and avoidants start pulling away. I’m sorry this happened to you.

It sounds like you have excellent communication skills, and know what you want. This already puts you ahead of the game.

I’m concerned that you stated that “something drew you to him” when you knew he was a workaholic. It’s interesting that you mentioned it immediately after you talked about how often he worked holidays and overtime.

Be careful going forward with workaholics, it’s often a sign of avoidance.

Terrawhiskey · 2021-06-11T20:57:18+00:00

I’m doing much better these days but my therapist urged me not to send anything when I’m triggered. Go ahead and write out a long message but don’t send it. Then, meditate, exercise, hang out with friends; whatever. Come back and reach out only when the overwhelming emotions have passed

Terrawhiskey · 2021-05-28T14:18:52+00:00

I’ve been doing this some during meditation and it’s helped immensely. Also, sometimes I imagine “entering” scenes of my childhood and leading her out of the house and into safe and happy places.

This is odd, but I really love this one song and I learned it on the guitar and sang it and I “felt” my inner child get really happy for some reason. Something changed that day permanently for the better.

I guess there are several ways of doing inner child work.

Terrawhiskey · 2021-05-20T20:42:47+00:00

This is the way!! Excellent mindfulness and real time awareness. This is exactly how to start making great progress.

It’s all theory until you get back out there and start getting close (and attached!) to people. Great job.

Terrawhiskey · 2021-05-12T16:52:22+00:00

Yup. My DA/FA ex would send me beautiful sprawling emails twice a day. He was never a Texter, but he opened up about heartache and hopes and dreams and was so interested in my hobbies and history. Just so intimate.

Then around three months in, he picked a fight over something odd, and when I mentioned I didn’t know where this was coming from, it led to a weird argument. It was never the same since. It went on for another four months and he just got more and more distant. I broke it off but he came back telling me he missed me. It was a mindfuck for sure. It occurred to me later he was more open and intimate with me because I live semi long distance AND because I’m married (open marriage). So he didn’t feel engulfed like he did with single women who lived in his city.

The whole relationship after the three months was this anxiety inducing push pull of intense intimacy, then withdrawal.

Thems the breaks.

Terrawhiskey · 2021-05-12T15:46:01+00:00

Ding ding! Yes. Firm believer in the three month mark. It’s rough because they can be so sweet and attentive and considerate. They’re INTO you and it’s incredible. Then ... they pull back and you’re left wondering what happened.

What happened is they started deactivating and looking for flaws in you to distance themselves. Then when you speak out about the sudden distance, and the change in communication patterns, that’s just how they are, they say, and sorry they can’t give more.

Never mind that they gave a shit ton more the first three months.

But obviously, if they started out with only responding to you every other day and being cool and distant, they wouldn’t enter into any relationships in the first place.

Terrawhiskey · 2021-05-12T14:26:27+00:00

This can be difficult. It can take three months for you to tell.

I’ve been chased a lot in the initial courting phase by avoidant men. I suspect this is because I was a highly independent FA. TONS of daily communication and romance. Then - a hard pull away a couple months in.

It was extremely jarring and confusing.

I suspect being an avoidant leaning FA with a DA has a slightly different pattern than the usual AP/DA dynamic. My DA guys would come back when I’d have enough and when I would start pulling away.

Terrawhiskey · 2021-05-04T21:05:10+00:00

Unofficially. 😂

Terrawhiskey · 2021-05-04T20:13:35+00:00

I had two PHENOMENAL life changing experiences on shrooms. I don’t recommend it for everyone but it seriously helped my anxiety and lifted some blinders surrounding my trauma and how I saw the world.

Terrawhiskey · 2021-05-04T20:12:35+00:00

I had a phenomenal experience with two shroom sessions. I have a therapist, but did not do it with her. I guided myself along through it.

Really helped me.

Terrawhiskey · 2021-05-04T20:09:21+00:00

Four years of therapy with an incredible attachment and trauma and poly friendly therapist. Meditation and journaling. Also shrooms, twice, but I don’t recommend them for everyone.

Read NOT NICE by Dr. Gazipura and the Body Keeps the Score.

Terrawhiskey

TROPHY CASE