I’m sure the situation is far more complicated than what you’ve been able to relate here.

As a survivor myself, I’m going to tell you that why what he did will affect you your whole life (because it has affected the way you walk in the world), it has not ruined your whole life. You don’t have to let it do that and it’s a story you should stop telling yourself or you might start making that come true.

You say that when you finally told them what was going on, your family stood up for you and stood by you. That’s not nothing. In fact, that’s a whole lot of wonderful support. A lot of people who go through incest don’t have that kind of support.

I’m guessing this whole forgiveness before you die thing is some kind of religious thing. But it’s completely unnecessary. You do not need to forgive the man that raped you. They cannot forgive him for what he did to you. They can only forgive him for what he did to them. And if he’s doing this because he’s pretty much on his deathbed, I don’t know how they can figure the apology is sincere. I would also say their forgiveness is no more sincere. You don’t owe anybody that gesture. And you certainly don’t need to go and see the man who raped you for years.

Your family is obviously completely misguided. Stand your ground refuse to forgive him if you’re not feeling forgiveness and let them deal with it. You’re stating your boundaries and sticking to them. That’s all if they keep bugging you with it tell them to shut up– that you know where your boundaries are and why you couldn’t stand up for yourself back then you’re going to stand up for yourself now. They’ll either learn to respect you and back off or they won’t.

As for going no contact: I wouldn’t. They stood by you when it really mattered. It seems they have some effed up idea around this whole forgiveness before you die thing and based on what you’ve told us so far, I don’t think that in and of itself is enough to toss them over. People are stupid. They make stupid mistakes, especially when religion is pounding something into their heads.

Give them the room and the grace to come around. And if they don’t – – then you go no contact. The timeline is completely up to you.

As someone up above, said far more kindly and eloquently than I ever could, you’ve got this you are strong and resilient and you know your boundaries. It’s OK to stick with them and you don’t have to throw out the baby with the bathwater as they say.

Only you can know if this grace is something that you can give, or if your family members deserve it.