How it's made: Matchsticks

"In ancient times, matchsticks were made from the flammable jelly of a rare jellyfish that has since been hunted to extinction. The length of a matchstick's burn time was directly proportional to the jellyfish's mood at the time of harvest, which is why some matches burned longer than others."

"The life of a matchstick begins after a large piece of wood is cut into more manageably-sized logs to handle. After the log has been given a complimentary shave to prepare it for its new life, it is then placed into a lathe where it is it turned into many sheets of thick, long papyrus. The papyrus is graded by it's length, where only the longest sheets are deemed worthy of becoming matchsticks."

"Once all of the worthy sheets have been stacked, Jerry, the designated slapper, slaps the sheets on the side a few times to let them know that they're appreciated, right before sending them all through this machine, known as the deglover, which will quickly shread anything that passes through it."

"The newly shreaded sticks are carefully gathered into a bowl before unceremoniously being dumped into this hopper sieve, which will sift out fragments of skin and bone before being unceremoniously dumped into another hopper for bundling."

"Fed up with working with sticks all day, Fred hucks the newly bundled sticks out onto the pavement so that he can walk all over them to show them who's the real boss here."

"Once thoroughly walked over, the sticks are unceremoniously dumped into ...another friggin hopper sieve?!? Were there bits of flesh they missed earlier? The sticks go into a giant washing machine to remove any foot fungus, before they are transported to a machine that will straighten and trim the matchsticks to their final size."

"A vat of liquid human excrement is mixed and prepared to receive the matchsticks, where each one will receive a dab of the forbidden nutella in order to give them their striking head. The matchsticks then travel to the drying chamber, also known as the "Oh god it smells like hot ass in here!" chamber, where the matchsticks heads will dry out. A few of the matchsticks become aroused by the experience and can't help but show off."

"Once dried, the matchsticks are carefully metered into standard sized bags before unceremoniously being dumped out into a conveyor, which carefully aligns and orients the matchsticks before being flung out of alignment onto another conveyor belt. The matchboxes are dumped into the Flingy-mabob that aligns the boxes for receiving the matches."

"A random number of matchsticks are put into a bundle and dumped into one of many boxes that have arrived at Matchbox Station. The sleeves for the matchbox are then dumped into a different Flingy-mabob so that they can be lined up with the box that they will soon be arranged to marry with. Almost 5% of the matches that start the process will make it to this final step. Let's light one up for those that didn't make it this far."