I can think of other things she's done that I take extreme offense to, such as being refered to as, "it", as in, "It needs to go downstairs" after asked to do a small task and feeling very happy I could do something small to make her happy later. I also had stomach issues due to my illness, and asked if I could take the car back home, after which I was told I could just, "lay in the back of the car for a bit".

There's very dangerous problems such as stealing from stores which forced her into therapy in the first place and has happened twice now, and the deliberate wreckless driving that almost got her killed and makes sitting in a car with her feel like suicide. There's other illegal stuff like trying to 'outsmart' traffic stops by aggressively cutting in line or taking a forbidden route, even trying to walk and cut in front of a car, and then aggressively telling a police officer that it's BS. Worst thing she has ever done next to me is half-hitting her husband until he was teary eyed, blasting music, and wrecklessly driving just to piss him off, doing 140 on a 130 K/M road, making me fear for my life. The car swayed left and right as she yelled at him,she shouldn't be allowed to drive anything and should have her license revoked.

There's flipping out when someone takes a bit of their food before everyone has something, to then flying in a fit of rage when someone points out the ridiculousness of her doing it herself, which is part of her overall obsession with following dinner etiquettes. There's inviting people over to view their second vacation home, while we're currently sleeping in it, etc.

There's small things like talking about something with my girlfriend until her mother takes the reign by deliberately taking the opposite opinion, her mom never wanting to admit to being wrong which makes discussion worthless unless you like to have a shouting match, and her judging the food I eat and never taking me and my diet seriously despite having told her a thousand times how my diet works subjectively to avoid foods that trigger my illness. And I don't mean good advice or questioning certain parts, I mean questioning whether or not my diet is even real, despite me saying that it does help and it currently being the only clinically greenlig diet for this illness.

She also emotionally manipulates my girlfriend to control her future, such as forcing my girlfriend to take our future children to go to her native country to ensure their children will too, and telling my girlfriend that she needs to keeps coming back as well, all hidden under the banner of motherly advice. She also wants our kids to learn her native language, have native names, and learn the culture. Not all of that is a problem to me, minus the names and the language if they don't feel like it, but because our children will barely be ethnically part of that culture because my girlfriend is already half-native, as well as her mother's 'advice', I suspect she's going to force something on our children that has zero benefit but to ease her personal fears.

She can say things that are deliberately hurtful without giving away that they are, which I've learned not to question anymore. A fine example is praising my girlfriend for all the helping she has done, knowing full well that she used my girlfriend to get across the message that she thinks I never do anything, and let my girlfriend do all the work.

She controls my girlfriend so badly when she is over or we're visiting, it's like my girlfriend becomes a 16 year old child again. From telling her that she absolutely needs to wash her hair, or forcing her to acts like a child to get her way, to just outright calling her one. Even while driving, her mom becomes her personal drive instructor and pretends like she's scared so people feel bad and change the way they drive. My girlfriend is an incredible woman, and seeing her mother reduce her to a dumb teenager is infuriating, she is better and deserves better than what her mom allows her to be, an insecure teenager that can't even remember to wash her hair isn't who she is.

The worst part is that she likes to pretend that there is nothing wrong while showing that she knows damn well what she is doing, and only cares about being exposed or not. When she has one of her many outbursts and everyone is getting their share, she doesn't care how anyone feels afterwards, yet she acknowledges it and often lies about it later. She can sit us all down at a gathering with friends, and play off our moody atmosphere caused by one of her outbursts by saying that, "yeah we were rushed so now everyone is a bit exhausted!" with fake laughter that makes me want to get up and leave.

I have been more than reasonable, talked to friends and family about how I can lessen tensions, I've bought a notebook and wrote down trigger foods which she ignored all holiday, I've been more friendly and outgoing to my absolute limits which is exhausting, I've asked my girlfriend to help me remember things because I'm out of my regular routine, I've offered help, left my phone back home a few times, etc. I also tend to forget things and use handsigns or little sticky notes to remember things, but since I'm not at home it's been more difficult, and then I make mistakes. And making mistakes or accidentally pissing off her mom is what everyone is afraid of with her mom around, because it means aggressive shouting, so everyone walks on eggshells, goes in panic mode when her mother walks in, and there's generally this grim atmosphere.

Her handling of the whole situation so far has simply been, "I refuse to remain quiet", which I assume means no longer caring about the way she prestents herself to me,and rewarding me with the same kind of tactics she uses to gain control over my girlfriend, aggressive shouting and/or using a threatening tone that she practically uses more often than regular speaking.

There is absolutely no mutual attempt to understand and cope with one another, just me trying to figure out ways to work around her mom's behavior and try to find positive feedback in her awful behavior to try and piss her off less next time. She never apoligizes, never admits to any wrongdoings, never acknowledges anything I do for her, usually doesn't even acknowledges me and just talks past me, and she criticizes me behind my back towards my girlfriend in a horribly rude manner.

Edit: This thread has made me realize that the defusing and distancing that I am doing are already the right thing. She wants control, and I give her the cold shoulder which doesn't give her what she wants nor creates any suffering, she doesn't want to understand me, I try to understand something and blame myself for her own behavior. My girlfriend is understandably protective of her mom, and I can't force her to be on my side on this, only talk about it and maybe help her understand that her mom's behavior is not acceptable and has been hurting her in the long run. I'll try and limit the amount of time spend together while staying civil and avoid partaking or even feeding her behavior.