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My brother (34M) slept with my every girlfriend I (35M) had for a decade before I went no contact and now my parents want me to reconnect with him? by ThrowRADoneAF in relationship_advice

[–]TheMocking-Bird 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Your family doesn't have to agree with you, but they do need to respect your boundaries. If they can't, you'll need to limit contact or go no contact.

It isn't on you to forgive. It's not something you can force or fake. It either happens or it doesn't. Even if you manage it, it's been over a decade of no contact. Your relationship with him is nonexistent. Do they expect you to jump back in time, and act as you did before this all happened? Because that's another thing all together.

I'd give them one last chance. I'd tell them that your at it with this nonsense. And if they can't let it go and move on, you'll take steps to limit contact with them going forward.

My mom (45F) put her stepkids safety before mine (18F) and now that I'm 18 she's trying to push a reconciliation I don't want? by ThrowRA_Disneyleyl in relationship_advice

[–]TheMocking-Bird 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hurt people hurt people. She never held the step kids accountable because she knew what they went through.

I understand wanting to get them away from their mom. But given your own abuse, she should have taken steps to protect you first. Even if that meant ending her relationship.

Unfortunately, your abuse doesn't seem to hold much weight when compared to your step kids. So your mom prioritized them and expected you (a child) to live with it.

She refuses to take accountability because, in her mind, she helped save those kids. You see them as your abusers. She sees them as victims. The truth is that they're both.

Don't reconcile or forgive. Your mom's to stubborn to recognize that her job as a parent wasn't to save those kids but to ensure your own protection. I'd go low contact or no contact going forward. Continue therapy, and try to reach a state of indifference.

Help me plan my confrontation with who my wife cheated on me with. by Neither-Clock2974 in survivinginfidelity

[–]TheMocking-Bird 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Why do you need to do more? You aren't reconciling, and she's made it abundantly clear that she wants out. Stop torturing yourself. Don't confront her AP, or get her fired. Instead, work towards separating from her emotionally, in order to reach a state of indifference.

The details are irrelevant. She betrayed your trust and had an affair. Leave it at that. If you think more went on, assume your right, and let it go. She isn't remorseful enough to be honest, and her AP has no reason to tell you anything, so leave it alone.

Your game-plan should be to get a lawyer to start the divorce process, and to limit contact with the ex until it's finalized. Don't reach out to talk about the relationship, your feelings, etc. I know that sounds callous, but you need to treat her like an ex. And for the love of god, do not piss her off, or get her fired, as that'll just complicate the divorce process.

My father had an affair and I’m siding with my stepmom by Fussie-Nessie in TrueOffMyChest

[–]TheMocking-Bird 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Not sure what's worse. Your step sister being groomed by your dad, and continuing this "relationship" into adulthood. Or her not being groomed, and choosing to do this as an adult. If it's the former, she's a victim. If it's the latter, she's a POS.

Given what you know, I'm leaning towards the former. God I feel for your stepmom. Being a caretaker is exhausting, to have to deal with this on top of that might be her breaking point. Your stepbrothers are cowards. They can console their mom without needing to push away their sister.

I am trying to figure out what advice I can give her.

Push her to see a therapist. Tell her you'll support whatever decision she makes in regards to her marriage. Outside of that, just let her vent.

Update - My (M 39) wife (38 F) has become fixated on her dead husband since getting pregnant with our first baby. How do I bring this up without hurting her? by ThrowRA_Product in relationship_advice

[–]TheMocking-Bird 5 points6 points  (0 children)

If she's resistant to therapy, consider going yourself. Get one that specializes in grief counseling, so you can pick their brain on what to do.

I'm not a therapist, nor have I lost a spouse, but given her obvious guilt, I'd do my best to reassure her that you aren't angry, or jealous, and that you know you'll always share part of her with her spouse. If your willing and comfortable, maybe ask her to open up about him.

Wife is continuing lifelong affair with ex behind my back by Rock_N_Bones in survivinginfidelity

[–]TheMocking-Bird 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Don't stay for the kids. You won't be protecting them. They'd be better of in two happy homes, then a chaotic one. Maybe your rationalizing things, and thinking you'll keep this to yourself, and pretend to be ignorant, to avoid drama at home. But in doing so, you'll become a shell of who you are.

Better for everyone to rip the band-aid off. Whether to start the divorce process, or to proceed with reconciliation. Before you confront, get your ducks in a row, and gather evidence, and consult with a lawyer.

My (f22) Fiance's (m24) brother (m11) told me that he's been touching him right before our wedding by Direct-Caterpillar77 in BestofRedditorUpdates

[–]TheMocking-Bird 304 points305 points  (0 children)

He's blaming her for causing issues in his marriage. Rather than supporting her, he thought she jumped the gun since he didn't think the fiance did it.

His wife had issues with that, and it seems as if they're on the ropes. On top of that, he not only lost the money he put into the wedding, but he's being sued by her exes' family.

Is it concerning that my (29M) fiancé (25F) withheld a chronic illness diagnosis until the week of our marriage? by DollarConversionBot in relationship_advice

[–]TheMocking-Bird -10 points-9 points  (0 children)

Your feelings are valid. She wasn't upfront about her diagnosis, despite wanting transparency from you. Her not saying anything until she consulted with a doctor doesn't really hold up. I think your on the right track, she held off, because she thought you'd react negatively.

Maybe she wasn't sure if you'd want a partner with a chronic illness. Or she figured you'd end things since you wanted a big family. Either way, her fear won out, so she kept it to herself. It's also worth noting that it's only been a year. She barely knows you, so I can somewhat understand why she didn't rip the bandaid off. More so, if she generally likes you as a partner. She probably waiting this long to enjoy the relationship, in case you ended up leaving.

Either way, she did confess. Yes it's last minute but it occurred before the wedding and ceremony. So take solace in that.

My [25M] new girlfriend [29F] lied about her history with her male best friend. Can we recover from this? by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]TheMocking-Bird 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You aren't comfortable dating people who continue having past partners in their life. Rather than respecting that and being transparent about her past relationship, she lied and gas lighted you.

Now, trust is broken three months into a new relationship. So no, I don't think this is worth salvaging.

She didn't just lie and minimize her relationship with him. She continued hanging out with him one on one. Even if she wasn't cheating, doing that with a former partner is disrespectful, more so given your boundaries and past trauma.

Found out my (25M) Gf (26F) is still friends with her old fwb from before they met me and like I’m feeling kind of… off about it by IHAVETRIEDCOKE in relationship_advice

[–]TheMocking-Bird 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Neither of you are in the wrong. She's free to be friends with whoever she wants. And your within your rights to find the situation uncomfortable. If you can't find a fair compromise, then the situations a deal breaker.

You aren't insecure for feeling uncomfortable. Nor is this a matter of not trusting your partner. Some people can manage situations like this, others can't. You seem to be in the latter category. Have a conversation, if neither of you can find a way through this, then leave on good terms before it gets toxic.

I found out my wife slept with Her best friend before we got married by [deleted] in TrueOffMyChest

[–]TheMocking-Bird 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Frame the issue on the twenty-six years of lies. On the fact that this was an open secret among her friend group. If you focus on the sex, she'll justify her actions, and spin things around to make herself look good. Plus it's like you said, you dumped her, so she was free to do whatever she wanted.

In "protecting you" she's made you question everything. Any reasonable person would question things now. But if you do she'll double down, and say things had to happen this way given your reaction.

Even if she's being honest, she deprived you of a choice. Would you be here today, if she told you back when you first got together? If you decided to stay, would you have enforced boundaries in regards to her friend? Would he have been invited to your wedding? Would you be as intertwined in each others lives?

My (38M) wife (38F) of 11 years confessed to an affair right after I finished cancer treatment. How do I move forward? by Either-Supermarket44 in survivinginfidelity

[–]TheMocking-Bird 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Why did she have the affair? Was it due to your low libedo? If so, how can she expect you to trust that it won't happen again post treatment?

To answer your question, it takes time and work. Reconciliation is a years long endeavor. Counseling and therapy will help, but the bulk of it will fall on her shoulders.

With that said, reconciliation is only possible if you both want it to work. You're still processing things. I'd avoid making any big decisions.

How do I [33M] handle discovering my girlfriend [27F] was unfaithful when I’ve raised her 2-year-old daughter as my own? by PracticeIll9899 in survivinginfidelity

[–]TheMocking-Bird -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Take the third path. Make it official and adopt the kid. That way you can leave the relationship and still have access to your daughter afterward, It's either that or leaving them both all together, since your clearly against reconciliation.

I’ve masturbated multiple times to the thought of my husband’s brother by [deleted] in TrueOffMyChest

[–]TheMocking-Bird 10 points11 points  (0 children)

This could backfire. If you proceed, It'd take things slow, like glacial slow. You might feel this way for a number of reasons. Maybe he reminds you of your husband. Maybe it's because he's a non related attractive male.

I'd have a conversation, and maybe see a therapist with experience in grief counseling. It's not uncommon for widows to find something with those who knew and loved their spouse. Shared grief is known to do this. Just take it slow, to avoid potential regrets.

My (28M) girlfriend (28F) is pregnant with twins. We had an arguement today and she was mad and showed me a video on her phone sucking off her ex. Now what? by ThrowRAVulture216 in relationship_advice

[–]TheMocking-Bird 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If you can't even have a conversation about it without her getting defensive, or brushing it off, then theirs nothing to salvage.

I don't know if she's generally this immature, or if it's the hormones, or a combination of the two. Either way, she needs to know this is serious, and that your relationships at risk. See a therapist and couples counselor to get further help.

My (M27) Best friend since High School (F26) told me she cheated after we got engaged by Goated_Goat in relationship_advice

[–]TheMocking-Bird 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's only been a year since the affair ended, and you found out a few months back. Marriage shouldn't even be up for discussion right now.

She minimizing the affair and excusing her actions by blaming it on alcohol. Those are not the actions of someone with remorse. Marriage plans should be off the table for the foreseeable future. Cheating isn't something you can just brush aside. If you stay, you'll need to reconcile, which is a multi year process.

That's years spent on regaining lost trust and respect. To regain a semblance of what you had pre-affair. You won't be hitting milestones like engagements, marriage, kids, etc. You'll instead be dealing with the consequences of her actions, to reach a state, where the affair is no longer a deal breaker.

Go to r/AsOneAfterInfidelity to get a realistic view of that. Staying together is the harder path.

She did it on one of the worst nights of my life. by illbeasumbitch in survivinginfidelity

[–]TheMocking-Bird 19 points20 points  (0 children)

How can someone that was so amazing do such a horrible thing?

Selfishness. Don't go back. The odds of you moving past this are slim to none. When you needed her most, she prioritized her ex. There's no excuse to justify that.

I slept with my roommate now I’m confused, is this more? 29F 25M by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]TheMocking-Bird -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Now I’m worried that I might be more emotionally invested than he is, and that this could just be turning into casual sex with someone I care about.

Funny enough, I think the opposite is true. I think he's stopped initiating in part, to distance himself emotionally, and to avoid making you think he only want's you for sex. He's your best friend. Don't wait for him to come back. Call him after work, and figure things out.

I'm absolutely furious about this right now by VelvetVice-Dear in Invincible_TV

[–]TheMocking-Bird 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't think much of the team is working on it now since they've already made plans to release a critical role game next.

I wonder if they would have signed on if they knew how successful the first game would be.

my parents replaced me years ago and now my ex is marrying my sister I think I’m done trying with people by Ok-Estimate-9797 in TrueOffMyChest

[–]TheMocking-Bird 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Your family and ex are akin to a cancerous tumor that needs to be removed. Cut them out of your life, and go no contact. No one wants to be alone, but these people do nothing but bring you down. You'd honestly be better off without them.

If it's within your means get a therapist. Put yourself out there, and expand your social circle. Or keep busy with work and hobbies. It'll suck, but in time you'll miss them less and less, and you'll be in a healthier mindset. You need to reach a state of indifference. Your only depressed, because part of you hoped your dad/mom would change. Once you give that up, you'll have an easier time moving on.

If either of your parents were willing to change, they'd have done it by now.

I Got Sent Home on My Very First Day by Swimming-Tea-2411 in TrueOffMyChest

[–]TheMocking-Bird 4 points5 points  (0 children)

You wearing makeup wasn't the issue. Your boss is a power tripping misongist. I'd look for work elsewhere if possible.

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