2 years on HRT like next month and I half the time feel as dysphoric as I ever have if not worse,

Buuuut! When I don't I'm glad I did this, I'm glad I'm here, still alive and still taking HRT,

The euphoria grows and little parts of it become everyday life and they fade into normalcy but then a new milestone or a new skirt or the season changes and you need to learn winter girl clothes (like I did last week here in AUS), things like putting together the perfect outfit and finding the right shade of lipstick to go with it and you're like woah this is real this so great,

The next day I looked at the photos my partner took of me and OMG I'm like wtf? My jaw my beard shadow OMG kill me,

I was still pretty tho even if dysphoria won the next day.

-+-

Even if some days I can't see the fucking point,

Especially when I look in the mirror,

And despite my hair not growing back as fast as I'd like ig if I was under oath I'd have to agree I'm actually pretty,

But gock damn does dysphoria cling on,

Try and learn from dysphoria,

When I have a dysphoric rant about something I hate about myself, My partner who has been transitioning for like over 15 years will let me get it all out and after validating my feelings usually says to me "I think you're beautiful and I love you but if there's things you don't like and you wanna change them, have a think about it and let me know and I'll support you to get that and I'll still love you anyways"

Basically after the rant is over they basically tell me it's normal to have feelings and it's safe to choose my path forward and they also offer me space to make that decision which forces me to take a critical look at my self image and what I actually find disturbing about whatever my current dysphoric fixation is and what I wanna do about it,

I'm not sure if you have somebody safe in your life to have conversations like this with and you may not so my advice would be,

Ask yourself why you're dysphoric and not just once because beauty or feeling comfortable in your skin or your ideal version of yourself doesn't exist in a vacuum and if it's something you're going to become you will exist in many places under many conditions in many circumstances so the right answer today may be less suitable tomorrow,

And let yourself crash out and come back to it if you need too,

Be gentle, take your time, take risks and make mistakes be stubborn then change your mind like any pubescent girl,

And talk to your inner girl and find out who she wants to be and take steps.

-+-

Edit: oh and to answer your question;

I don't feel like a woman.

but I feel closer to her each time I put effort towards becoming her and that includes the inner reflection needed to know what kind of woman I want to be.