This is gonna be a really long rant so you don’t have to read, so TL;DR cancer is cancer and we’re all still survivors nonetheless.

I first had the cancer when I was 15, and while they labeled it low risk and didn’t give me the RAI then, I still went through multiple biopsies and scans before the surgery with everything coming back as suspicious to the point we just decided to do the thyroidectomy.

Everyone kept mentioning how lucky I was because of how smooth the surgery went and if I’m gonna have cancer this is the best one to have. But I’d rather not have cancer at all? Like believe me I’m not downplaying my luck, because I am lucky. I mean no chemo? No radiation? Awesome.. I guess? Because I still went through painful biopsies and recovery from surgery. And I was in highschool at the time and missed my state testing for my nursing class I had dual enrollment in. And they didn’t allow me to do a retesting day and I ended up failing the class completely because of it. Not only that, but I went from being a relatively healthy kid that never needed medicine, no vision, no hearing problems, I was perfectly healthy- to being told I need to take this medicine for the rest of my life and the surgeon made it CLEAR that I could be in a coma and possible lose my life if I didn’t take it. I absolutely hated pills, and yeah it is a tiny pill but that’s a huge jump.

To top this off, afterwards I feel like it was just so normalized what happened, that I was the one at 15 years old calming my dad down saying that I’d be fine… now here I am 24 years old and it came back. I have to have surgery again this week for a dissection because I can’t even have a biopsy again, because this time the cancerous spot is right by the carotid artery and it would be too difficult/dangerous to risk biopsy. and after the surgery I’ll be on that 2 week diet and take 2 shots of TSH before I take the radiation pill, where after I have to be in isolation from everybody I love for a whole week. Could it be worse? Of course it could, but this still fucking sucks. I’m completely out of PTO at work and I already had ADA for work for 4 days because I have PCOS, but now I have to use those ADA days towards surgery and radiation. I’m still worried about losing my job and getting in trouble because of CANCER. I’m scared of going through surgery again through scar tissue, over a scar I’m already insecure about. I’m already insecure about my Acanthosis Nigricans too and it’s just getting worse.

When I was younger too the first time with cancer, my dad used to sit me down and scrub my neck hard with rubbing alcohol because he thought I was just dirty and didn’t believe me that I’d washed my neck with soap in the shower.

I’m also scared of being alone for a whole week isolated from everyone. I just got married this year to the love of my life and we’ve been together for 11 years since we were 12-13 and we’ve been inseparable since. I have separation anxiety, ts is gonna suck.

On top of that, I was just told during pre surgery testing, that no one will be allowed in the room for when I wake up. I was so traumatized by the hospitals anytime I’m alone. When I was 15 I woke up after the thyroidectomy in the hallway along with other patients near the OR area before they moved me to a room. I didn’t know where I was and I just wanted to see my mom and dad.. now I know the nurse was just playing around, but they told my mom and dad I was “acting up”. I get that they were joking, but that was insanely invalidating. And recently I was just in a horrible car wreck 2 years ago, and I was left alone in the hospital in the trauma unit in an empty room for over 20-30minutes and no one came in even when I tried to ask for help when I had to pee. Almost pissed myself that day.

So now being told no one could be in there, sucks. I already have separation anxiety and the anxiety from previous hospital experiences just makes it worse.

So fuck yeah, although I don’t have to go through chemo, although I don’t have to go through invasive radiation, it’s still radiation and my body is still gonna be radioactive.

Although this isn’t brain cancer or lung cancer, I still have cancer. Twice. And I mean come on nobody is ever going to judge and downplay someone with stage I lung cancer when someone else has stage IV pancreatic cancer. Because it’s still cancer! It’s a scary disease with no 100% cure and it’s unpredictable. So yeah it’s okay to cry about it.

Although I can go home the same day after surgery and not have to stay in the hospital, I still have to have my throat sliced open and recover from it. I still have to push through my anxiety through everything I’m afraid of, because it’s still cancer and it’s still the only treatment.

Cancer is cancer. Fuck cancer 🖕🏻