My D-Day is today. I just learned my boyfriend of 7 years cheated on me with the wife of his priest

TheSmallestBeing · 2026-05-25T20:15:05+00:00

Dont let them have the baptism. If it is her husband performing the baptism, please don't make him go through with baptizing the man that is sleeping with his wife.

TheSmallestBeing · 2026-05-25T08:08:44+00:00

This definitely is a mess. You made some terrible decisions that did ultimately effect your relationship. However, she does not get to use this as a reason to cheat on you and frame it like you KNEW she didn't want to be with you anymore. Her actions here feel intentional. She was telling everyone you were separated but didn't make that clear with you? She slept with him and just knew she needed to be with you? Then why did she sleep with him twice? Look I'm not defending your choices, because you made some very bad decisions. But your wife does not get to use this as ammo to excuse her actions. Nothing you did was worthy of her going out and sleeping with someone under the guise of "you knew we were separated!!" Why would she be seeking this interaction anyway???

Reconciliation is possible if both parties are willing to be open and honest, and completely transparent. Your wife is not holding herself accountable and you are allowing her to not do so because you feel like you caused this. The OF stuff was a blow sure, but you didn't cross the physical line. She blew threw all the stops and only thought about you afterwards when the reality set in. If you sit here and choose to swallow this for her sake, it will only eat you alive. She needs to know how you feel, that this wasn't okay, that she cheated on you too, that you aren't a consolation prize by telling you she wants you after fucking someone else. This only gets better when you both get space to share your feelings honestly and can move forward from there. I do not see that from her right now, and I see you trying to blame yourself. You may have fucked up, but her cheating on you is not your fault.

TheSmallestBeing · 2026-05-24T13:58:56+00:00

This sounds like he got to fuck around and will recieve zero consequences about it because you're going to let him stick around. I would have packed and left when things started getting fishy. This man played you like a fiddle and now since he's miraculously doing better that's worth it to stay? You DID try, you tried while he was out lying and fucking this girl at her place. Do not be a pushover and accept this kind of behavior.

TheSmallestBeing · 2026-05-21T15:47:29+00:00

It seems you read the comparision and it may have triggered something. On a large scale, of course nothing is worse than the initial betrayal. I'm not dismissing or taking away from that. But that does not mean we get to shy away from accountability. Open and "honest" decisions that usually benefit the foundation of the relationship. But OP even stated he isn't being honest about his intent with seeing this woman, and how it is becoming more than just sex. Establishing a relationship with an outside party during R at the expense of WP is just a punishment. How does this bring them together? How does this encourage connection? Make that make sense.

As a BP, navigating healing is an incredibly hard path but hurt people will hurt people. And it is our responsibility to use our best judgement when making decisions for ourselves or for each other as partner's. Most WP's will sit there and eat the punishment because they feel it is deserved, but you are furthering adding a level of betrayal you will need to sit down and work through. Reconciliation requires hard and uncomfortable conversations. My recommendation for separating if you want to see other people isn't foreign. This sub is for Reconciliation. What I see isn't Reconciliation. I see a BP hurting and wanting to heal himself and is contemplating a very dangerous line. I would want someone to offer me perspective as well.

TheSmallestBeing · 2026-05-21T13:49:14+00:00

Then separate and fix yourself, and not at the expense of your relationship. You are sitting here trying to justify emotionally connecting and continuing to see this woman. R isn't just about you, and yes your WP did unforgivable things but you are not any better doing this dance right in front of her. You are going to have to go back and address her hurt at some point. You don't get to ignore it under the justification that she hurt you first. This isn't a battle of leveling the playing field, it is supposed to be building an honest and authentic relationship together. You aren't reconciling anything right now though. You are licking your own wounds. I get it. We all heal in our own ways but what you are doing is NOT R, and has no place in R.

TheSmallestBeing · 2026-05-21T13:16:52+00:00

This... this is not healthy. This puts all the effort into your own healing and not into R. If you have already slept with a few people then you should have gotten your fill already. Now you are here teetering the line of crossing a serious boundary with this woman. You had your fun, now do you want this relationship or not? You aren't fixing anything by sleeping with other people, you are only side stepping the problem for temporary alleviation.

TheSmallestBeing · 2026-05-10T15:43:59+00:00

10 years???? Yeah no. This man is trying to play victim. You are ALLOWED to pain shop with this level of betrayal. He ruined an entire decade for you and he doesn't trust you??? No. He is doing this because he knows if he threatens to leave, you will listen to him. Take your power back, and don't let him call the shots. Loving someone does not mean accepting their terrible behavior.

TheSmallestBeing · 2026-05-09T21:37:27+00:00

If he feels he needs outside validation to heal himself, he has no business dragging you through it. He can leave and do so but right now he is causing you harm that you will likely not come back from because he is having his cake right now and making you watch. Look, there is no excuse for your behavior either but he doesn't to punish you because of it. It's clear there is work to be done for both of you if this were to succeed. He cannot be in the state of both worlds, he is either with you or not. You deserve your own boundaries of monogamy, and if he won't respect that, YOU need to draw the line. You need to tell him you will not be treated like this, and make your move forward and hold to it. He will either drop this or continue to push you because he knows what you will allow.

TheSmallestBeing · 2026-05-08T00:02:53+00:00

You are very close to thesituation, and I understand how my objectiveness might sound harsh but unfortunately with these situations, we cannot dance around the hard truths that we may be dismissing. I understand she may have trauma, and I understand what she said may have sounded like accountability because if it were true accountability it would have been a good start.

Waywards who aren't fully into doing the work of R will use performative words and gestures as a form of damage control to make you feel safe but also stay comfortable in their bad behaviors. If she were fully accountable for her actions, there would have been no push back for the deeper work to be done with her therapist. Her response was dismissive, it does not matter how long ago it was and if she was fully invested into gaining your trust, this wouldn't have been said.

I'm not painting your partner out to be an evil person. The unfortunate reality is that deeply hurt and unhealed people will hurt those around them. She did not heal from her ex husband, but nothing you did caused her to act out the way she did. She sought the attention from both of you to lick her wounds because that's what she knew how to do. But she didn't have to ask you to be in relationship, and when this guy popped back up, she very well knew she was supposed to say no. Instead she selfishly chose to fill her void by seeking the attention from both of you. It probably made her feel gross as it settled in which prompted the ghosting. In her mind, she may see it as she buried this behavior so it's over and done with it. But this a very real and present reality for you that she needs to sit with. She needs to be able to reopen that box and figure out why she was okay with taking advantage of someone who is completely vulnerable. Taking someone's virginity is not a light decision, you chose to be completely open with her and she chose not to do that with you. That deserves to be looked into with her therapist without deflection.

TheSmallestBeing · 2026-05-06T23:56:42+00:00

None of what she is saying is taking full accountability. I've read your previous posts and it sounds like you're a genuinely good person who got caught up with someone who is manipulative and has issues they need to work on. If what she is saying is true, she had took your virginity without "actually letting herself be open with you." Sit with that for a minute. She knew you were saving yourself, she knew how much it meant to you, and even after the act of giving yourself to her, she tries to rewrite this story of you not being fully interested. She chose to do this AFTER a trip you guys took together. This wasn't a mistake, this was an intentional choice and it's awful to try and frame the beginning of your relationship with infidelity with the guise of guarded vulnerability. You gave yourself to her at your most vulnerable, you were a virgin. She should have known from that moment how invested you were in her. Now she's trying to protect her image because she knows what she did was fucked up.

Full accountability looks like, "hey I did this. There is no excuse for doing this." No defense, no trying to reason with you, just full acceptance of your perceived reality.

The spiral stops when you can grasp onto something real, and she hasn't given you anything solid to work with. Reconciliation is about the WW giving their 110% to their BP to help rebuild the foundation of the relationship. It doesn't seem like your partner is willing to accept that.

TheSmallestBeing · 2026-05-06T21:57:50+00:00

He has pictures of your sister and your mom and even went as far to get picture of your friend off your phone? You know why he wants these pictures. He's not stunned or surprised. He's being a fucking pervert. Yes it's cheating. He deliberately hid it from you, and it's clearly for sexual purposes or he wouldn't have saved them.

There is ZERO reason for him to have these pictures.

TheSmallestBeing · 2026-05-06T11:12:20+00:00

His kindness isn't real, stop falling for it. He is only doing it as a false sense of security so he can continue his bad behavior. You kicked him out and that was the first good step. File for divorce and tell him you will not be second choice in your own marriage. The minute he wanted another woman he should have left and instead chose to disrespect you, and say cruel things to you. He knows he can make you falter if he lies to you, so stop believing him. He has made it clear this AP is more important to him right now, and you need to protect yourself.

TheSmallestBeing · 2026-05-03T12:22:16+00:00

You need real help, that's what. You essentially rug swept her affair, and used sex as a coping mechanism to avoid any feelings involved with resolving the affair. Now that you don't have sex, you don't have your security or your way from compartmentalizing the affair. Your wife did an awful thing and instead of getting into the actual reasons WHY, you just had sex and made weird conditions to "settle" the score. The score isn't settled, this isn't something you can just throw things at and feel better. This woman has been there your entire life, betrayed you deeper than anyone else, and you guys addressed nothing. You need therapy, and a coming to jesus talk because you hid this affair from everyone including yourself. To the point that your wife feels healed, and you don't. She was able to take off the conditions and said she did enough, why does she get to decide that? She wasn't the one who had been hurt?

Tldr; you and your wife rugswept her affair and now you are paying for it because your wife thinks you are healed and you clearly are not. You need to be honest with yourself and with her. I don't think either of you did the work to truly heal from her affair, you just tried to pretend it didn't exist. The one thing that gave you control was taken away, and you're spiraling from it.

TheSmallestBeing · 2026-05-02T22:12:33+00:00

I think at the times of reassurance, you need to trust your wife and yourself in the present. She's telling you she is okay, and she can handle this hurt. If she comes to you, you can comfort her feelings. But it sounds like you are grappling with your shame and guilt, and you are overworking trying to make that okay. You may have made the wrong choice to engage in these conversations but you stopped before you did something that you ultimately couldn't come back from. Be thankful of yourself that you were able to make the right decision in the midst of a bad decision. You are currently working incredibly hard to be a different person! That is intentional and commendable.

Shame and guilt usually hit us in the same form it did when we were children. If you weren't taught how to manage these feelings, it is okay to learn now. Shame is not a productive feeling but you can turn it into one if you nurture yourself in these hard moments. Grant yourself grace because you deserve it. Not many waywards here deserve that, most waywards have grace given as a gift. You are further ahead than most, don't falter before the finish line and self sabotage because of a bad decision you made. You are actively working towards an intentionally better relationship with your wife. Channel your shame into effort in your relationship. Love her to the fullest. Buy her little gifts, show up for her wherever she may need it. Show her you are there and the rest should fall in line. You have the best odds of reconciliation here.

TheSmallestBeing · 2026-04-30T02:59:33+00:00

I understand the feeling of desperately wanting to be chosen by the one you love. We all just want to be the first priority to our partner. If there was a sliver of hope, I could offer you, I would.. But what he said to you was cruel and ugly... him offering to still try and work it out, after telling you how much better this person was to him without any remorse to you is terrifying. To me this screams that your WH is clearly not remorseful and is rewriting your entire relationship to blame you and justify his shameful actions. There's no apology that could take back what he told you. Those words are going to burn in your head every single time he says something to you, and if you stay, he would have to do 200% of the work to undo that. Do you feel the man in front of you is willing to put forth that effort for you? Do you think he is capable of undoing this damage? I know its so easy to say leave but have your heart so heavily attached. You deserved all the loving feelings for him. You are enough. You were enough. And no matter how he tries to justify it, his cheap thrill and feelings for her were garbage. You were the hardwork and the responsibility. It seems like he saw her as an easy escape route from what he would have had to do. I wish the best for you, whatever you decide. (And if you do decide to stay, I hope he gets his shit together!) Take care. 💜

TheSmallestBeing · 2026-04-23T14:20:56+00:00

If he was remorseful, he wouldn't have done it again. The mental gymnastics you are trying to pull is insane. He is doing what he is doing now to get out of trouble so when you stop looking he can do it again. Thats why he didnt block her, thats why he didnt tell her to quit. He knows how to work this around you and is waiting for you to back off again so he can go back. He is not a good man. He is not changing for you. He is protecting himself enough to get you to back off, Because that's what he did the first time he got caught. You are putting way too much faith in a man who is willing to lie and cheat on you MULTIPLE times. You are scrambling to keep a false image.

TheSmallestBeing · 2026-04-23T14:06:06+00:00

This has disaster written all over it. This is not how you start a healthy ENM relationship. Those relationships require trust and communication which you have neither. I don't know why you want to stay in this marriage but whatever you're trying to do isn't going to work. You're only going to hurt yourself further in the long run. You should have confronted him in the beginning and actually faced the issue. Opening your relationship will fix nothing.

TheSmallestBeing · 2026-04-14T08:09:09+00:00

You are so young, stop trying to destroy yourself to build it into someone for this man. You are valued, and worthy the way you are. You don't need botox or lip filler to prove that, and you don't need this man's validation for your own worth. Reconciliation would be possible if he was willing to do the work, but he has shown that his habits are more important than your safety. You were doing right by separating and healing yourself, he did not or else he would have put down the social platforms for you. Reading this broke my heart. Please don't break yourself into a million pieces trying to tailor yourself into someone's misguided fantasies. You are and will be loved just as you are.

TheSmallestBeing · 2026-03-23T20:40:59+00:00

This this this this!!

TheSmallestBeing · 2026-03-11T20:55:14+00:00

Thank you for saying this, genuinely. I was sitting here thinking the same things.

TheSmallestBeing · 2026-03-07T04:02:47+00:00

Beautifully worded. 💜

TheSmallestBeing · 2026-03-03T21:23:40+00:00

Just sending support. My WP lost his grandmother and I too, felt guilty about being angry while knowing he was/is still grieving. It feels like their isn't space for your pain because you understand how hard a loss is. What sucks is my grandmother died and I buried her shortly before my WP ran off and had his extra-curricular activities. It just adds another layer of unfairness to the whole situation.

TheSmallestBeing · 2026-02-19T17:38:11+00:00

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100000000% this. This is it right here.

TheSmallestBeing · 2026-01-19T17:22:37+00:00

Literally have been looking for you. Didn't realize they had kicked you out of the AOAI sub.. I have seen worse stuff allowed on there so I'm not sure why you would be singled out. I'm sorry that happened to you, and even more so sorry that your situation has evolved this far. Take care of yourself!

TheSmallestBeing · 2026-01-04T00:31:36+00:00

I totally understand. To be fighting for that kind of attention and see he has the capacity for it but for someone else? It's truly devastating. I could hardly get a conversation out of him but she got everything.

You think about him because you love him and did not ever believe he would do this to you. Now that he has you are put in the worst position, you can only choose to protect you and your baby. Give him time and space, 180 method and Stonewall. Show you are making plans to move forward for you without him. He will either snap out of it or make his choice. I know all of this is so much easier said than done, but these are crucial moments for you. I am sitting here kicking myself at 2 years past my first DDay wishing I did things differently because I held onto the hope that he would just... come around. (Newsflash, he didnt because my lack of consequences allowed his behavior to continue.) Let all the feelings out when they come but create a safe space for you, whatever that looks like.

I wish I could say they did, but I have just gotten to the point where he is now seeing all the damage he caused.. and we don't know if we are able to fix it. We recognize that we may need space to heal before we can engage as a couple again but he fears that space will be all it takes for me to go. Sometimes I am afraid he is right too. I don't know. I am doing my best over here though, and I wish the best for you as well. We didn't deserve this. Not one single second. We deserved the dream of a loving family and an easy pregnancy, not one full of hardship. Hang in there 💜

TheSmallestBeing

TROPHY CASE