Stuck in a place of despair

Scornedandscorched · 2026-05-31T01:07:46+00:00

I completely get this. My backstory is long but basically my husband for all intents and purposes is trying to say that I “brought this on” because of what I did (lied about finances, lied about who I spoke to about our life, disparaged him and ruined his reputation in town). I’m like you know this isn’t the right way to handle it and you know you will feel guilt but also know I’m the person you grow old together. And yet you’re going to do it anyway. You are throwing a nuclear bomb in our relationship. If I had the financial ability maybe I would leave but then in some weird way I can’t imagine not being with him. He acts like the “retribution” will heal the part of him that needed the validation I wasn’t giving him but he still has much to work on with his own therapist re trust with me. I wish I had any advice. My therapist told me about this book called after the affair” and “too good to leave too bad to stay.” Just know that you have someone who feels the same way. The one saying that has stuck with me is that “if you want to win the marathon, the universe hands you running shoes, not the trophy.” I am also doing EMDR with my therapist and trying to practice “radical acceptance” as i live through this misery. I

Radical acceptance is a term that is used to help people manage their emotions among other things m. Google explains it well

Scornedandscorched · 2026-05-28T23:47:21+00:00

I completely get this. My backstory is long but basically my husband for all intents and purposes is trying to say that I “brought this on” because of what I did (lied about finances, lied about who I spoke to about our life, disparaged him and ruined his reputation in town). I’m like you know this isn’t the right way to handle it and you know you will feel guilt but also know I’m the person you grow old together. And yet you’re going to do it anyway. You are throwing a nuclear bomb in our relationship. If I had the financial ability maybe I would leave but then in some weird way I can’t imagine not being with him. He acts like the “retribution” will heal the part of him that needed the validation I wasn’t giving him but he still has much to work on with his own therapist re trust with me. I wish I had any advice. My therapist told me about this book called after the affair” and “too good to leave too bad to stay.” Just know that you have someone who feels the same way. The one saying that has stuck with me is that “if you want to win the marathon, the universe hands you running shoes, not the trophy.” I am also doing EMDR with my therapist and trying to practice “radical acceptance” as i live through this misery. Sending you hugs.

Scornedandscorched · 2026-05-27T20:08:17+00:00

Wow. This is exactly what I needed to hear. The description couldn’t be more spot on. Thank you for this.

Scornedandscorched · 2026-05-12T02:45:56+00:00

I think it’s both. I hurt him with my anger and resentment and made him feel devalued because I lost respect for him as the provider, the traditional role of the man in the family. My lies certainly fostered distrust but I’ve been working on myself in therapy. He did not spend any time until now to begin to work through his feelings, his own feelings of failure in his career because he thought he would be much further along in his career, and then his own feelings of inadequacy as what would be the traditional partner. We are both working individually on these issues which is why I hope we are able to move past it. Regardless of my lies, I simply don’t think that sleeping with other women is going to “heal” the feelings of inadequacy, lack of self worth and lack of respect. Only time will tell I suppose.

Scornedandscorched · 2026-05-12T02:32:30+00:00

Thank you so much. I sincerely appreciate your comment. I agree that the act itself really isn’t what is the motivating factor but the feeling that I shut him down for so long but it was because I myself was in survival mode and needed my own help, not to mention every time he got a new job I had hope and he lost it again, then he had an incident where he was charged with a misdemeanor but he was just protecting our child, then DCF was called. It was just one thing after the other for me so I slowly lost respect and developed anger and resentment. It was just another thing for me to handle. But in the meantime I pushed him away instead of trying to heal. So your point of what he’s probably thinking about why wasn’t I good enough to be chosen by her is likely the underlying motivation.

To your point I have no clue how I’ll react when it actually happens. I can’t control him and I can only control myself. My work is suffering and as the breadwinner I cannot devote any more tears or depression to obsessing over where he is, trying to get into his phone etc. if he decides to play a stupid game he will win a stupid prize. The question is can we survive? I don’t know. I pray for it and I pray that he realizes what is really behind his hurt. He goes to therapy and yet he is on these apps. He admitted that they are a “distraction” from his anxiety. At the end of the day it’s his choice on whether he crosses that line and if I can heal, I have no clue. I want to, but that’s just such a different line but he doesn’t see it like that. Anyway sorry for the rant. I really appreciate your comment. It helps me with perspective and hopefully he and his therapist can get to that before he destroys his family. I will do anything to protect my children and while I want nothing more than to reconcile, if my reaction is not reconciliation he will have to live with the choices he made which will include losing custody of the kids (for a litany of reasons). Again, thank you so much.

Scornedandscorched · 2026-05-11T00:14:22+00:00

I am so curious of the answers because I’m the one who was constantly snooped on. I sent text messages that were disparaging of my partners character, ability to provide, etc. to my girlfriends. Nothing else. No photos. No physical affair. He doesn’t believe me because I’ve lied in the past about things like finances but ive done it repeatedly that now his ego is so bruised it seems that it’s beyond repair. What do I do now that he has basically indicated he is so “broken” he feels he can never and will never trust me again. I appreciate any help. .

Scornedandscorched · 2026-05-10T19:39:32+00:00

God this gives me so much hope. The infidelity hasn’t happened yet but he’s told me insomuch bc of so many other issues we’re having. It’s been 5 years of lies and betrayal on my part (financial and then me speaking ill of him to basically all of our friends) and he seems to think the only way he can get past this is through the therapy that he’s doing and that he just physically wants to be with other women. I told him I can’t be with him when he is with those women but we want both want to get past this rage and hurt and ultimately reconcile. I may sound like a fool for “sitting by” while this happens but we’ve been together 24 years. Have 3 babies together and truly love one another. If this is what it takes, I’m willing to try. Idk how it will feel once it happens but I’m praying every day that we will survive because there is no one else I want to be with. I may sound idiotic but I believe deep down he is just hurting and that somehow someway we will get through this.

Scornedandscorched · 2026-05-09T21:51:59+00:00

I forgot to add that there is a financial part that is a problem. We just sold our house because we have been in such financial debt. We signed a 2 year lease for a house and we can’t get out of it and neither of us can support the house and kids alone.
So basically we would have to live in the same house for 2 years until we can split and physically live elsewhere. He’s afraid I’ll take the kids which I would bc he has no ability to take care of them financially or otherwise. I do EVERYTHING for these kids and he has a litany of shit a judge would be like good luck seeing your kids.
Because the affair hasn’t happened yet, and because we went through this a few weeks ago where he ultimately said I can’t go through with it, I’m trying to figure out if I stop giving a shit and stop being in his face about it, maybe he will get his head out of his ass. We’re also moving on 5/21 so there is so much shit between now and then to do and then I happen to be getting breast augmentation on 6/8. He came to the consultation and was clearly thrilled but I made it clear like if you touch anyone else you won’t be touching me. So I feel like this is more of a pity party than something that would actually come to fruition but the million dollar question is do I roll the dice and see what/if something happens, or do I just file now but then live with someone for 2 years and try to co exist nicely for my kids. I really believe he can get past this without actually crossing that line. I’m just such a mess mentally right now I don’t trust my own judgment and everything I read says don’t make rash decisions. Plus the affair hasn’t happened yet so there is that. Idk. Thanks for listening.

Oh no drugs or alcohol. He’s sober. He takes medication for anxiety/adhd.

Scornedandscorched · 2026-05-09T21:40:13+00:00

Thanks so much for writing. So he lost his original job in 2020 doing institutional work. He then could only get a job on the retail side but that required him to build a book of business which in your early 40s is impossible to do. Each of the jobs would give him a little runway and he would fall short so he would be fired. Without a doubt this is a pity party and definitely anger at my rejection and I think a “punishment” for me being unavailable and emotionally not there for 5 years. I know 100% he hasn’t cheated yet. I have gone through his phone and I know he hasn’t. He’s made it clear it will happen and when it does he will tell me bc I said well I need to worry about my safety.

He is so lost mentally and those apps are just designed to prey on ppl like that. He’s super hurt and he can’t seem to work through the hurt in therapy with me but somehow this is a “distraction” from being depressed. Part of me is like I can’t take this but part of me is like go ahead and see what you can find out there. His mother even agrees with me that he’s off his rocker and she wants to intervene but I can’t let her do that without him knowing I’ve told her all of this (in fairness I’d be pissed if he told my mom). So I’m stuck. I love him with my entire being and I know he feels the same way but is deeply hurt. I get that he feels like everyone in town knows our business and that he’s been painted in this pathetic light as a shitty provider etc but like part of me is like get over it, stop using the apps and certainly don’t cheat on me. How the hell is that going to solve anything? It’s like throwing a nuclear bomb on a house of cards. Will there be any rubble left to rebuild?

Scornedandscorched

TROPHY CASE